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Would my Mom find this website useful?

NicolePfisher

NicolePfisher

Active Member
V.I.P Member
Hi, I don't know how to lead into this, so here we go...

I am a young woman self-diagnosed with ASD. My mother and I have always loved each other but we've always have had trouble communicating (now we know why). My mom believes that I am on the spectrum--she was the first to suggest it even. Lately the break down of communication has been awful. Not to get to into detail here but conversations wind up with me crying while I hide my face in my hair, really wishing that I could just leave, and my mom stubbornly waiting. I don't think her 'hook or by crook' attitude in forcing me to open up to her is going to get us anywhere. It hasn't for 5 years now.

I have tried getting help for myself for the past two years in finding counseling or just someone who can help me sort out the mess my life has become. I notice though that while my mom has become intimately familiar with the disorder, that she hasn't read anything that would help her in communicating with me. That's not to put all the responsibility on my mom. I'm trying to get better at this too. I just want to get us back to a point where I don't fear conversations with her.

So I'm wondering if any parents with kids on the spectrum have found this website useful. Would you guys recommend this as a useful place to go for support and advice? Do you have any other thoughts about anything we can try?
 
I'm not a parent so I can't speak from that perspective, but I do believe that this forum provides quite a comprehensive snapshot of both the variety of differences between autistic people and also the many struggles we share. Maybe seeing a little of the world from an AS point of view might help communication somewhat.
 
I have found it really useful to research Aspergers and autism for myself, and that this gives me more insight about what I may find helpful or developmental given how I am. So it could be that if you find out more gradually you will get some ideas of how to advise your mum what's best for you. It's not unusual for a person with ASD to like to have space and distance from others so you might try setting some boundaries with your mum based on that?

I have always experienced my mother as intrusive and I handle it by living a few hundred miles from her. That works well. It would be normal at your age to not necessarily want to hang out much with your mum, whatever brain type you have. This is a useful site with lots of information I hope you enjoy it here.
:palmtree::seedling::cactus::herb::leafwind::deciduous::palmtree::seedling::cactus::herb::leafwind::deciduous::crocodile::palmtree::cactus::snake::palmtree:
 
Thanks, but I'm worried if it's not something my mom can get involved with, she won't be interested in it much. I don't want to sound like I'm calling my mom childish, I'm not. I just happen to know that she likes social media.
 
I don't know. My advice is to start the process of finding out. I have found this site useful for myself, while waiting for a diagnose.

At the moment I find a lot of articles on the site in the link below, that conveys how I work. What I have been trying to communicate to my surroundings, but never found the right words for. It is so hard to explain something that other don't understand, to another that you don't understand how they understand, if that makes any sense. Read some articles there. I think they may have the possibility for normal people to understand at least some of the issues.
I’m not just Socially Awkward

Of course, I have not received a diagnoses yet, so I may just be a rambling madman.
 
lol

Personally, I don't think living so far away from my mom should be necessary. Intrusiveness isn't the issue in our case. I just want no more yelling and screaming and verbally pushing me into a corner. It's suffocating. I don't understand how NTs cope with angry people much less are capable of having an argument. I can't handle angry people.

I'm glad you found a resolution to the issues you were having though.
 
Sir Stig said:
I don't know. My advice is to start the process of finding out. I have found this site useful for myself, while waiting for a diagnose.

At the moment I find a lot of articles on the site in the link below, that conveys how I work. What I have been trying to communicate to my surroundings, but never found the right words for. It is so hard to explain something that other don't understand, to another that you don't understand how they understand, if that makes any sense. Read some articles there. I think they may have the possibility for normal people to understand at least some of the issues.
I’m not just Socially Awkward

Of course, I have not received a diagnoses yet, so I may just be a rambling madman.
Click to expand...
I haven't received an official diagnosis yet either, so let me just say: be fair to yourself. A lot of us go undiagnosed and are here because a doc won't formally diagnose us (if we can find one at all). But still we're supposed to be normal people who just "relate really well". :rolleyes:
 
You have the right to leave and not be tortured by her forcing you to stay in a room and tell her something, unless it's something she has the moral right to know (like if it's about her or business that affects her life literally and directly... not just by "being upset about her daughter").
 
I don’t think this forum will help your mom. I say this because even though she knows (or think she knows) a lot about autism she doesn’t get it that forcing you to open up to her isn’t going to work.
She sounds overbearing and insensitive. If what she is doing is making you cry, then why doesn’t she just stop? What is so important to communicate about anyway?
Your mom has issues and by her telling you that you have Asperger’s is so that she can blame you for the so-called lack of communication. It takes two to exchange information and she is the one that isn’t communicating well.
If you share this forum with your mom then you won’t have a safe place to go to talk about her or other confidential things. You don’t want the forum to be like a third person in the room to translate.
 
I had given thought about what you had said regarding she I and both using the site before posting. I was thinking about it as an option and what I'd have to do to mitigate those downsides. She wouldn't have to make an account to browse some parts of the site and I post so infrequently that I doubted she and I would encounter each other. Still, I think that a place she can connect with other people with kids on the spectrum might be helpful, though you've convinced me that it isn't here.

I apologize if I gave the wrong impression as to why my mom suggested that I am on spectrum. It was a behavior that is totally unrelated to communication habits or skills that had initially tipped her off. I don't want my mom to come off as abusive. She didn't suggest that I was autistic to be mean. And I'll concede that my mom does have communication issues, but they stem from being part of a family that is "dysfunction", if you understand what I am trying to get at. My mom has bad habits, I'm also not the only thing she has going on in her life/

My experience has been that trying to explain my needs, even though I do so ineloquently, doesn't go well. She doesn't understand me or what I am saying, I don't understand where she is getting lost, she wants me to keep trying, I can't even remember what page I'm on.

My hope is that hearing why things break down, but from somebody on her side of things, will help. Also I'll feel less like a brat telling mommy all my special stuffy needs, the needs I have are real and this is not in my head.
 
NicolePfisher said:
I notice though that while my mom has become intimately familiar with the disorder, that she hasn't read anything that would help her in communicating with me. That's not to put all the responsibility on my mom. I'm trying to get better at this too. I just want to get us back to a point where I don't fear conversations with her.
Click to expand...

Apparently, your mom is not "intimately familiar with the disorder" because "she hasn't read anything that would help her in communicating." There is no way a person can become at all familiar with a medical condition while at the same time totally disregarding the main symptom and what do do about it.

I'm not sure if the book "Communication for Dummies" is out in stores yet, but you can go to the children's section of the library and check out a copy of "Amelia Bedelia" about the autistic maid who was able to have a great working relationship because the people she needed to communicate with actually put forth the effort to talk to her in a way she could understand and reciprocate. It can't get any simpler than that.
 
Just as an idea....
I think the point made about this place not being safe for you to vent if your mum was around is a good one and worthy of consideration.
How about telling her about a different, reputable online community?
The National Autistic Society in the UK (NAS) has quite an active and well moderated forum which has a section specifically for parents and carers. It has subscribers from all over the world but just as this site has a large US presence, theirs is similarly heavy on UK members.

National Autistic Society - our Community
 
Yelling and screaming and verbally pushing you into a corner sounds like intrusiveness to me. Sounds really stressful and I hope Yr ok. Maybe Yr mum can't get it but sounds like you have an angle on things. Good luck!
 
Idk really but you may be better off having your own places without her.

You guys have a interpersonnal problem and seem in a stagnated place - no movement. Counseling (if both are serious about improving it) might help.
 
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