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Wondering if i was in an emotionally abusive relationship

Moonhart44

Moonhart44

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
i had this feeling for a while. i also felt like i was thinkng about it too much. but the way my ex is acting now that we are not together, it is making it more clear what kind of person he is.

I think he is a gaslighter. whenever i have a problem he will deflect. he makes me feel ugly. he said i was too hairy on my face. sorry i am a mammal. he wouldnt kiss me (now of course he wants to) so it made me feel even uglier. when i try to defend myself, he doesnt want to hear it. i really think he wants someone who is just a doll that worships him and ha no feelings besides happy and the desire to worship him. i remember when i tried to defend myself through reasoning he said, why are you attacking me?! Nothing is his fault. We broke up because i was depressed and too dirty for him. i was and am depressed. i am very dirty. i was sad but undrestood that i am overwhelming, even tough i was and am sad about that. still he comes by to try to have sex. i asked him (crying of course) does this mean we are together, and he will make an exucse after excuse, deflecting until finally he admitted (hours later), "hes being weak" and he has no thoughts of us together.

We had sex, even tough he didnt deserve it, but he knew what state i was in and took advantage of i guess my desperation to be with him in ANY form. i didnt put myself first.

the worst part for me was that when it was all done, he gave me this whole spiel about how i need to be cleaner. and it made me sad because he just ignores that i am depressed, anxious, and autistic. and i told him why i am messy many times and he just doesnt care.

i wish he was out of my life. i feel lame

i will probably just keep this as my complain thread so i dont keep making new ones.
 
oh yeh i remember there was a member here who said, he sounds liek the kind of guy who says "I know" after you say "i love you" and he never did that till that day i gave in. it felt eye opening to me.
 
He’s a narcissist. Now that you’re not giving him attention anymore to boost his ego, he’ll do whatever it takes to get you back. Once you do, he’ll go back to treating you like ****.
 
Stardust Parade said:
He’s a narcissist. Now that you’re not giving him attention anymore to boost his ego, he’ll do whatever it takes to get you back. Once you do, he’ll go back to treating you like ****.
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i been feelin that for a long time but the actions he does are so small or micro or isolated it makes me feel like i am crazy and nothing is happening at all, and it made me quiet about the problems we had for a long time, because i thought i would look naggy or stupid revealing them.
 
That’s what they do. They start out chipping away at your self esteem little by little. They’re seeing how much you can tolerate before upping the entee. They figure “Oh this person doesn’t seem to mind what I’m saying/doing to them, so I’ll start doing something else to see if they’ll tolerate that too”.
Run as far away from this person as possible. If you have to talk to them, go grey rock (that’s a real term look it up). I’d just block them and move on. I had to do that with a former “best friend”.
 
Stardust Parade said:
That’s what they do. They start out chipping away at your self esteem little by little. They’re seeing how much you can tolerate before upping the entee. They figure “Oh this person doesn’t seem to mind what I’m saying/doing to them, so I’ll start doing something else to see if they’ll tolerate that too”.
Run as far away from this person as possible. If you have to talk to them, go grey rock (that’s a real term look it up). I’d just block them and move on. I had to do that with a former “best friend”.
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i googled what that meant. Yeah i also had to move on from a friend. i wouldnt call her narcissistic necessarily, but she basically didnt really care about me. she only cared about me when she was alone. i am not saying, btw, that i am innocent in that regard (the friendship) but i knew that we had to separate from each other and i blocked her and even other people that should could use to reach me. i miss her the most, but i know i will be better off without her.
 
Oh, this friend was a text book narcissist. Watching her turn was like flipping a light switch. Everything was about her. She constantly talked about how fit and little she was and that overweight people deserved to drop dead because they didn’t eat only tofu and salad or work out 7 days a week like she did. If she saw a fat person she automatically assumed it was because they had a crappy diet and were lazy. If someone got sick it was because “they don’t work out enough or eat enough veggies”. At her job she talked like she was the only person that worked hard and that “nobody else can do my job as good as I can!” She constantly trash talked her colleagues. She couldn’t take any form of criticism whatsoever. If she thought someone mistreated her (a woman) she would say that the person was jealous of her because she had such a great body and they didn’t. I could go on and on. I lived with this “friend” who told me I was like a sister to her for a year until one day for no reason at all, she decided to kick me out when the day before she told me how wonderful I was. It made no sense. I should have seen the writing on the wall earlier, because she would tell me all about her former friends and how awful they were. She also had no other friends except me.
 
that sucks :/ I jut blocked him. I asked my mom before doing so she said i need to be forgiviing. this for some reason made me sad. but i decided to block him.
 
What the hell should YOU apologize for? Does your mother know about the comments he made about your body? Or the fact that he gas lit you? No, you have nothing to feel bad about. You don’t need people in your life that make you feel bad.
 
my mom is coming from the view of how she turned down a lot of dudes because of their mistakes and now she is alone. i think she is mistaking that with her wasting her time wiht people who were not worthy, and in turn them making her feel like she cant do better. i think that my whole history of boys i have been understanding or lenient, in that i am very accepting. but i realize this acceptance is what is my crutch, and i feel that i really do need to just finally wait and have real standards.

yes i told her, but when u explain narcissistic like abuse, it just sounds like nothing
 
He sounds like a total jerk! Try to get strength from people here like @Aspychata who see being alone is not bad at all. He is doing NOTHING for you. I could see it if he were being in ANY WAY kind to you. Calling you dirty? Even if you are, so what. He should be packaged up with the trash and deposited next trash day. Human garbage. KICK HIM TO THE CURB, dear friend!! Tell him go rot in whatever kind of scary and dreadful afterlife abode you choose. He will have good company there. Tell him to say Hi to Epstein.
 
I sure hope you can remove him from your life. You are in what I call "the pattern" as was I. I had this experience with women who are gaslighters and narcissistic. In the pattern, one of your parents is like this.

You can break out of the pattern. Be gentle with yourself!

It is so easy to blame ourselves for a personal flaw that draws these people in and keeps us involved with them. I feel that this is a biological pattern that is like an extension of gender...only much much stronger.

People can be in love with and have relationships easily with people of the same gender. The same is not true for people in "the pattern" (yes... "the pattern" also happens with same sex partners). Us understanding driven people always end up with respect driven partners. (ADD +NPD kind of).

You are not broken in this. Being aware of it can help free you from it. When I hit 35, I started to fight energy parasites in my life. Those people who did not give back and took all of my energy. I still ended up in 2 more relationships with them even though I figured out the pattern!

I totally get what you are feeling about this. I used to beat myself up over these relationships... why did I stay as long as I did? Why did I give them what they wanted?

They are the reason we are totally drained emotionally. This is why spoken boundaries are so important. Set a boundary early in a relationship and monitor for the other person breaking it. They are the canary in the coalmine that is the relationships we end up in.
 
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Ursus Chainus said:
I sure hope you can remove him from your life. You are in what I call "the pattern" as was I. I had this experience with women who are gaslighters and narcissistic. In the pattern, one of your parents is like this.

You can break out of the pattern. Be gentle with yourself!

It is so easy to blame ourselves for a personal flaw that draws these people in and keeps us involved with them. I feel that this is a biological pattern that is like an extension of gender...only much much stronger.

People can be in love with and have relationships easily with people of the same gender. The same is not true for people in "the pattern". Us understanding driven people always end up with respect driven partners. (ADD +NPD kind of).

You are not broken in this. Being aware of it can help free you from it. When I hit 35, I started to fight energy parasites in my life. Those people who did not give back and took all of my energy. I still ended up in 2 more relationships with them even though I figured out the pattern!

I totally get what you are feeling about this. I used to beat myself up over these relationships... why did I stay as long as I did? Why did I give them what they wanted?

They are the reason we are totally drained emotionally. This is why spoken boundaries are so important. Set a boundary early in a relationship and monitor for the other person breaking it. They are the canary in the coalmine that is the relationships we end up in.
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yeh i keep remembering about the boundary thing. i finaly blocked him on all my media. now the healing can really begin
 
Moonhart44 said:
when u explain narcissistic like abuse, it just sounds like nothing
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Narcissism is VERY subtle and so insidious.
Whatever they do seems so slight that when you tell it is is like nothing, but it cuts you, and cuts you and cuts you.

Really beware - sound like you are doing the right thing to block him
 
Your own former boyfriend should not have told you you were ugly when he was actually your boyfriend.
People might say dumb stuff like that once in awhile but this sounds like it was probably a pattern. This part of your post, OP, makes me feel that he was a gaslighter.

The idea that he wanted to have sex - well people just like sex sometimes and you were actually boyfriend/girlfriend at the time, and you both agreed as consenting adults. As frustrating as the emotions out of that former relationship came out to be, I don't see anything wrong with the sex itself from you or him doing it. I hope you enjoyed it physically when you two did do it at least.

Also, not everyone is comfortable with messy. He must've liked other things about you, but in the end, the messiness just got in the way for him. It works for you and some other people that you can attract, but it didn't ultimately work for this particular ex of yours. It doesn't matter if the messiness is caused partially by other factors- ultimately that is your thing to work with.

Remember, look for partners who complement you- don't expect them to help you become more independent or to work with you (easier said than done). They need to be okay with who you are, but in the same token, you need to be okay with who they are overall. It's all about compromise and reciprocity.
 
paloftoon said:
Your own former boyfriend should not have told you you were ugly when he was actually your boyfriend.
People might say dumb stuff like that once in awhile but this sounds like it was probably a pattern. This part of your post, OP, makes me feel that he was a gaslighter.

The idea that he wanted to have sex - well people just like sex sometimes and you were actually boyfriend/girlfriend at the time, and you both agreed as consenting adults. As frustrating as the emotions out of that former relationship came out to be, I don't see anything wrong with the sex itself from you or him doing it. I hope you enjoyed it physically when you two did do it at least.

Also, not everyone is comfortable with messy. He must've liked other things about you, but in the end, the messiness just got in the way for him. It works for you and some other people that you can attract, but it didn't ultimately work for this particular ex of yours. It doesn't matter if the messiness is caused partially by other factors- ultimately that is your thing to work with.

Remember, look for partners who complement you- don't expect them to help you become more independent or to work with you (easier said than done). They need to be okay with who you are, but in the same token, you need to be okay with who they are overall. It's all about compromise and reciprocity.
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yeh i was surprised that the pysical part was good, but it was because this time i didnt let him have control.
i agreee with you
 
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