Wondering if Aspie guy 30's will give a 2nd chance after apology present

[ConeyFlyLand]

So, I met a man with Aspergers, 30's who is very high functioning and is a scientist. He's working on a pretty intense research project at the moment and helming the project.

I met him a few years back and he made the first move, we became reacquainted at the new year and he told me he was in a pressured situation with work and that he was trying to find the right balance in his life.

He had pre-warned me that if he felt bothered he would withdraw. Well there was a misstep in our communication and I was a bit reactive via text where I wondered when he was going to get back to me. And he responded saying that while he liked me he feared that my impatience and pushiness wouldn't change.

Arghhhh... I have bad past relationships with narcissist that I'm recovering from and I sometimes act out. I've been getting therapy but when I get nervous and still hurting from the past with not nice men, I experience rejection and can be reactive. I feel really bad of course that I acted that way.

After thinking about it I decided to get him a little, I'm sorry, present. I hand crafted the whole thing and it was very personalized. I wrote a little note with it saying something like this (what do you think),

Dear (name),
I hope this present finds you well. I bought this to symbolize that I really
would like to connect with you and I'd like a fresh start if that's ok? As I
did feel bad about that misstep in communicating with you via text. You
explained that if things bothered you, you might withdraw and I totally
understand that. But I am asking if you'll consider opening up again to
another conversation and to connect. I most certainly didn’t want you to
have a poor impression of me.
Whatever you decide, I do wish you much success in your research.
I meant it when I said, I find what you’re doing inspiring.
I hope these gifts give you a little inspiration and encouragement right
now, with all the pressure in your life. Maybe these presents could be a nice conversation starter.
Sincerely and w/ Kindness,
-Me

 

[SimonSays]

Welcome to the Forum!

That is a nice note. If he's a nice guy he should respond to it and hopefully open up. If he doesn't, let him go and move on. You deserve better.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. It sounds like he had experienced you as pushy and impatient. You probably need to directly address that by explaining clearly how your actions relate to your history, including asking him for other examples, to check if these also relate to your history or if there is a side of you he's finding challenging, irrespective of this incident.

If you knew each other better you could certainly ask for more leeway in this area, but the difficulty is that so far he's not seeing sufficient positives about you to outweigh this type of behaviour. I think you may need to see if there's areas of yourself that need work, as most of us have these. Otherwise this may just happen again, even if he gives things another try.

 

[Aspychata]

Hey you aren't perfect. You are human. It's okay. Welcome to the site. Please don't beat yourself up. Flow with the flow of what comes your way. Kinda of Buddha philosophy. Sometimes l say things but it's when l feel that l am not understood for who l am. Am l reactive, probably. In my case, l trigger re: certain things that l have endured. Now l tend to withdraw a lot. It feels safer to me being a senior citizen. You will come to your comfort zone sooner if you accept yourself.

 

[Magna]

Welcome. He may very well desire to forge a relationship with you. However, given the fact that he's not only involved in an intense research project, he's also in charge of it, that's a great deal of pressure for him and commands a great deal of focus.

A commonly held (but not universal) strength of autistic people is an ability to hyper-focus on something. Pouring intense energy into a certain thing can make it difficult to provide an equal amount of attention somewhere else (e.g. a burgeoning relationship).

Your "misstep in communication" was a demand for his focus and attention. He knows what he can and can't do. It's possible that the amount of attention required for him to be successful at his current project means he's not capable of also being successful at a relationship and the demands and obligations it requires. He should not be faulted for that; it is what it is.

I liken the obligations I have in my life to being like the objects used in juggling. Each obligation is a ball in the air that I need to focus on to ensure it's not dropped. It requires a great deal of effort and focus for me to "keep all the balls in the air". I'm also thankfully aware that I can only "juggle so many balls" and as such, I will often refuse to take on any additional obligation because it's not that the additional obligation would be in jeopardy of failing, an additional obligation can jeopardize my ability to fulfill all the other obligations. An additional obligation could be the thing that causes all the others to come "crashing down".

 

[OkRad]

I would cut down the words. All those things can clutter the mind as he tries to go down the path of your thinking and he can't do that right now. I would make it more mysterious. The gift with a smile attached and maybe "Thinking of you, if that's ok!" With a smiley at the end. The gift in itself will tell him you are thinking of him. Too many words will take him down a rabbit hole. Did you send it? If so, what was the response? I hope he does get back to you because you seem to like him but you are also really gentle about his work and aspie-ness! Good luck and I hope he reaches back out to you

 

[The Pandector]

Wow.

As a guy, let me say... If I got a letter/gift like that from a woman I was at all attracted to, I would dump the over-demanding job and pursue happiness.

 

[Streetwise]

I would cut down the words. All those things can clutter the mind as he tries to go down the path of your thinking and he can't do that right now. I would make it more mysterious. The gift with a smile attached and maybe "Thinking of you, if that's ok!" With a smiley at the end. The gift in itself will tell him you are thinking of him. Too many words will take him down a rabbit hole. Did you send it? If so, what was the response? I hope he does get back to you because you seem to like him but you are also really gentle about his work and aspie-ness! Good luck and I hope he reaches back out to you

I wish he would look for an autistic woman,neurotypical women will never understand and that's not good enough, it's settling for second best

 

[ConeyFlyLand]

Welcome. He may very well desire to forge a relationship with you. However, given the fact that he's not only involved in an intense research project, he's also in charge of it, that's a great deal of pressure for him and commands a great deal of focus.

A commonly held (but not universal) strength of autistic people is an ability to hyper-focus on something. Pouring intense energy into a certain thing can make it difficult to provide an equal amount of attention somewhere else (e.g. a burgeoning relationship).

Your "misstep in communication" was a demand for his focus and attention. He knows what he can and can't do. It's possible that the amount of attention required for him to be successful at his current project means he's not capable of also being successful at a relationship and the demands and obligations it requires. He should not be faulted for that; it is what it is.

I liken the obligations I have in my life to being like the objects used in juggling. Each obligation is a ball in the air that I need to focus on to ensure it's not dropped. It requires a great deal of effort and focus for me to "keep all the balls in the air". I'm also thankfully aware that I can only "juggle so many balls" and as such, I will often refuse to take on any additional obligation because it's not that the additional obligation would be in jeopardy of failing, an additional obligation can jeopardize my ability to fulfill all the other obligations. An additional obligation could be the thing that causes all the others to come "crashing down".

Thank you for this really great response, It really helps me to have a better understanding. After receiving so many thoughtful responses and different perspectives. I'm going to just surrender and go with the flow. I don't want to push I want to flow. Irregardless of having autism, he is a smart kind fun man. I wish the present would melt his heart into a river of possibilities. But I gave that present from an intentional space but with gratitude I let the outcomes be what they are. <3

 

[The Pandector]

neurotypical women will never understand and that's not good enough, it's settling for second best

I was married for 40 years to a NT woman and we never knew what we were dealing with, powerful as it was. Our lives were good enough; it was not second best.

For her part, before passing she made clear that she never regretted her choice of men, also saying with great satisfaction that our lives were never boring. But as you say, she never understood.

Good enough for me.

 

[Streetwise]

I was married for 40 years to a NT woman and we never knew what we were dealing with, powerful as it was. Our lives were good enough; it was not second best.

For her part, before passing she made clear that she never regretted her choice of men, also saying with great satisfaction that our lives were never boring. But as you say, she never understood.

Good enough for me.

Exactly she didn't !understand and I wasn't addressing you I was addressing @OkRad,

Not! Good !enough for me !

 

[The Pandector]

I wasn't addressing you I was addressing @OkRad,

Maybe I misunderstand the public nature of these forums. I thought... you make an incautious public statement, you liable yourself to thoughtful public response.

Not! Good !enough for me !

Ah. Now, there is a tenable position.

 

[Streetwise]

Maybe I misunderstand the public nature of these forums. I thought... you make an incautious public statement, you liable yourself to thoughtful public response.



Ah. Now, there is a tenable position.

Read the name of the person I addressed my comment to .

My statement was honest! .


The autism! community suffers!!!!! because we try to be neurotypical

 

[The Pandector]

I wish he would look for an autistic woman,neurotypical women will never understand and that's not good enough, it's settling for second best

These words are not taken out of context. You clearly made a very broad and very negative judgement against the value and viability of NT/ND romantic relationships. A judgement that (my understanding of these forums) you have every right to air.

Read the name of the person I addressed my comment to .

Here my confusion begins. Are you claiming that...
1) These words only apply to the situation under discussion? If that's the case, I'd naturally expect some sort of qualifier to your remarks. But your comment is flat, all-inclusive.
Or, that...
2) Remarks of any sort on this forum may only be commented on by the person formally addressed?
Or,
3) ??

Honestly, Streetwise, I am flummoxed by your instructions to consider who was being addressed.

The autism! community suffers!!!!! because we try to be neurotypical

I agree! I personally am only recently beginning to understand just how much my life of masking has cost me and my loved ones. I hope that honest examination of this predicament resolves into a better understanding on both sides.

However...
I think it behooves the spectrum community to be very cautious about making or accepting judgements that preclude any segment of relationships between the NT and ND worlds.

That aside, I obviously found your remarks a direct reflection on the value of my lifelong marriage. I sought only to correct the fallacy and, hopefully, open a few minds to the power of love to build bridges across what appear to be unnegotiable chasms.

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