Why is everyone better than me

[the_tortoise]

Other people could be looking at you the same way you look at them, @Pats -- you never know; People don't tend to talk about these things (which I find both frustrating and quite sad, since none of us are mind readers).

 

[Joshua the Writer]

Don't worry, I have felt the same way. I am currently taking a game design course for high school, and, whenever my parents ask me about the technological stuff, I can't figure out a way that will be easy for them to understand.

That doesn't mean that I'll be a terrible game dev, it just means that I can't really explain it in a simpler way, since my autism causes me to understand what my mom, dad, and other older people call "tech jargon/gibberish", since I tend to learn complicated material easily. I am not saying that my parents are stupid or unintelligent by any means, I would never say that about my parents. They're actually pretty smart people. My dad got a master's degree so he could become an accountant. It's just that I am unable to explain it in a way that somebody their age would understand it, mostly because the tech terms they do know pertains to different areas of computers.

My mom would really only know tech terminology for web browsing and some other basic stuff, and, since my dad is an accountant, he'd know how to manage files with advanced files, the (obsolete) knowledge of how to operate a fax machine, and how to back up files to an external drive.

However, the field I work in requires me to know even more advanced terms, even PC SPEC terms other than the simple (I don't actually have this kinda PC yet) "Yeah, my rig has a GTX 1080 and Intel Core i9 in it." I mean, I have to know the terms for the components OF the components! I'll be here for hours if I try to list those.

I am just kinda embarrassed that I can't explain something in a simple way as a YouTube video from TechQuickie/Linus Tech Tips can.

I can assure you, you are NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON! You are not stupid. You are not any less of a person than those you are comparing yourself to. If you just believe in yourself an hope for the best, the best will come. Sorry if that is stereotypical, but it's true! I know from personal experience. I actually have quite good luck, and I wish some of it upon you. Be brave out there and don't let anybody get in the way of your success in life and tear you down.

 

[Adora]

I know how you feel,I always wondered why others just get things yet I struggle with even simple stuff,I have had people call me smart including the psychologist that diagnosed me as being on the spectrum but I still doubt it all the time,I struggle each day with feeling stupid and some days it really gets to me,but also my husband who is not on the spectrum has told me he has been feeling like a failure due to struggling at his new job that he started but he is a smart person so I guess it’s something that can be a universal problem though some are more affected than others.

 

[Autistamatic]

There is a way of expressing abilities across the NT and ASD populations that is used by professionals and researchers in the field which might help.

If you plot all the core abilities of an average person, their memory, sensory processing, logic, pattern recognition, social skills and so on on a bar graph, most NT people will show a reasonably even distribution of skills.

Some columns will be higher than others, but overall they form a relatively even line across the board. They may be better at language skills than logic skills, but the columns won't be dramatically different to one another.

When you do the same for someone on the spectrum you get a spiky graph. Some columns are way higher than the typical NT would measure, but there are also troughs where our abilities are very weak.

Inevitably most Autistics will likely score poorly on social skills, so that is an obvious trough for many of us, and there are other areas we frequently spike in such as logical reasoning, learning ability and the like. It's also not unusual for us to have (for example) massive spikes in language processing and artistic ability but a pronounced trough on say mathematics and musical ability or any other variety of skills.

The key difference between NTs and Autistic people in this method is that our abilities are spread unevenly. We plot a series of highs and lows whereas most NTs will have a far more consistent looking line.

There are some areas where we as individuals have deep troughs and every NT we meet is likely to seem better than us in that skill. Equally some NTs may admire or fear the abilities we spike highly in.

I'm perfectly happy to be spiky. I have weaknesses, sure, but I wouldn't want to lose them if it meant blunting my spikes.

When I look at the typical NT graph, it brings to mind the old adage "Jack of all trades, but Master of none..."

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Anyway, maybe it is the low self esteem that I feel like everyone is better, but do you guys see others as so much better? I have a hard time seeing fault in others and I don't apply as many rules to them as I do myself and much easier on everyone else than I am myself.

Well, I got stuck in that way of thinking almost 10 years until now , so I feel what you
say it was one of the things that got my stuck. I think like that sometime and I was stuck in this state of mind for year.

So...once I started to put things a bit more in order in my life I can move on.

First thing I use to calm me down is that 99% of strangers dont care about you.
And then, people doesnt show their flaws in public, you know yours , but not theirs.

What do you know maybe after going to the church they go back home and drink like alchoholic ? Maybe they hit their kids? What do you know?

Everyone has little things they hide.

Then, about the "better than me thing" , I am cleary in a situation where I am behind all my peers, so , objectivly they are all better than me.
But who cares anyway? Are you satisfied in your life, that's the only thing that matters.

The fact that I felt like an idiot and behind got me even more behind and stuck for years, now I move on. I know why I am behind, but I know what I am capable of, and why I was failing for years.
And when I look to my friends' life, they are successful in a game I don't want to be part of.
I am in a safe place with my family and I need to find my own path, that's it.

I guess you'v already found your own life and path, be proud of it.

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

give verbal answers and participate in discussions

jumped at every opportunity to perform a task

raise my hand or call out that I wanted to volunteer

Other students met in groups to study together and quiz each other

You seem to be comparing yourself to neurotypical, and even extroverted, standards for how people should demonstrate how much they know or how good they are at being students. Why should they get to determine how we measure excellence?

I would hear them using all the technical terms when talking to patients and family members and I didn't

Then you were actually the one doing it correctly, not them. Patients don't want to listen to nurses babbling technical terms that they can't understand, they want to understand what's wrong with them and what you're going to do about it.

you only see what they want you to see

And there's the answer to your question. Most people at church try to look like they're always good Christians. Most nurses try to look like they're always good nurses. Many people go through their lives wearing a mask of perfection because they're afraid that if they show their flaws, everyone will judge them horribly for it. Sometimes they're right about that, so it's an effective way to protect themselves. Sometimes they're wrong about it, and they miss out on getting help or making a good friend who would understand them. Some of them even hide their flaws from themselves, so they think they really are perfect. Those are the people who are really in trouble because they don't know they have problems until the problems grow out of control. If you know you have problems, you're already doing much better than those people. You've even found a community (this one) where people openly share their problems to get advice and form connections, which is more than a lot of people do. I think being on the autism spectrum makes us look more closely at ourselves than NTs usually do because we can't just assume that doing things the same way as everyone else will get us the same results. NTs can seem to be better than us because they are living in a world that was made for them and that measures success based on the things they are good at. We have to learn to set our own standards. Maybe in doing so we will even be able to teach the rest of the world something new.

 

[TempeFan]

I read an article about an autistic teenage boy in Reader's Digest. It was written by his mother who asked him the question, "What does it mean to be autistic?" He replied that it meant he could do some things better than other people and other people could do some things better than him. If you think about it for a minute, isn't that generally the definition of an individual human being?

I bet your new puppy thinks you are the greatest human in the world.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I'm better than you.

That's all that matters

 

[Suzanne]

Comparions often leave us feeling very useless, because we always come out the loser!

When I sense myself going down that road, I stop myself now, as all I feel is utterly useless and pathetic; not even able to shed tears.

I too, have spent years wondering what I am not "getting". On the face of it, everyone seems to be being normal and yet, somehow, there is a missing link for me and finally, with aspergers, I am getting it and realising I will always be different and right now, trying to fit in with that reality, because it actually does not make me feel better around people.

 

[SusanLR]

I never think of people as being better than me.
Not in the definition of better than really matters to me anyway.
The ability to love equally.
John Lennon described it with Imagine.
Truly, if everyone could love equally there would be no hurting each other in the name
of ( insert what ever cause you want).
One Tin Soldier- is another good song definition.
As you can see, I pay attention to lyrics and what rings true in music I hear.
Each tells someone's story.

Other things that people may call better I found didn't mean that much.
I had an IQ of 160 at age 19. Did it buy friends, relationships that I could trust to last?
No.
I was a model in my 20's. That gets the most shallow, fickle, relations I've found.
I was never wealthy, but, if I had been would I have found love actually?
No. You can buy as many people as you want with money to do anything you want,
but you can't force trust and love.

So I don't see better and worse. No one is 100% perfect at anything.
Yes, abilities may vary. But no one really knows what that ocean of people are truly
like as an individual person. I know what I'm like. Probably in the over all scheme, no better, no worse.

 

[Progster]

I know what you mean. I used to feel that way a lot more, especially about my job. I feel that a bit here even, that other people write better posts, are more articulate, intelligent, give better advice and are more helpful, understand better what the person means. But it isn't logic to think that way, because nobody is superior or better than anyone else, everybody is different. If we look for them, we can always find ways in which other people might be better than us, but equally, if we look for them, we can always find ways in which we are better than other people. I might be worse at some things than others, or better at other things, but that doesn't make me either inferior or superior, just different, and it is unfair on yourself to compare yourself to them.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

that other people write better posts, are more articulate, intelligent, give better advice and are more helpful, understand better what the person means.

I'm practicing what I call ' reverse paranoia'
Like the above quote.
Because it says nice things.
It ,therefore, must be about me

 

[Gracey]

Wait. Maybe it's that I feel like everyone is just better at being a person than I am and I've just been a misfit who doesn't know how to live in this world like everyone else. I keep trying, but everyone else seems so much better at it in every aspect.

If I stepped into your shoes and lived your life for any length of time,
You’d still be better than me (at living your life)

No two people start at the same place, with the same genetics, experiences and understanding.
Effectively making comparisons void.

Don’t be to hard on yourself @Pats,
There’s nobody alive today better at living your life, than you.

 

[Gracey]

Another thought, @Pats,

I’m willing to wager nobody could care for, soothe, teach reassure, encourage or support your children better than you could.

No one knew them better than you.

 

[Autistamatic]

Just dug this out. This is an excerpt from a paper by Damien Milton from 2012 which describes "spikey profiles" that I mentioned above. He might explain it better than I did. The section is more concerned with sensory overload than abilities, but the principle is the same.

 

[Adolonius Ganz]

I know this problems very well of my own. A gaze of others is often very disturbing to me too. I also know it's easy to use the category of good/bad and so better/worse in moments of performance in general. I mostly withdraw myself from this situations. I'm studying at the moment my third time. It's my third attempt to study. But I'm not able to go physically to university. Lucky me they provide podcast.

I wish I could give you a useful advise than just a me-too.

 

[Adolonius Ganz]

My theory is, that due to circumstances, humans effect more pop-out details in my consciousness than other objects in my environment, which evokes problems in situative orientation. Hence it results in a dominance of orientation-reducing processes of signals from the environment. This dominance is accompanied with a poor ability to attribute during this time. So I end up in the most simple categories of attribution. Attribution seems to be a top down process which in repose is less negatively modulated, I guess. Even with animals it's much easier, because they don't effect as much of pop-out details than humans do. I see it mostly as a biological problem, then psychological. It might have a connection to the work memory.

 

[tlc]

I have felt the same for most of my life. All growing up I was told by peers I'd never amount to anything. I know I've proved them wrong, but I don't feel it. I get compliments and find them hard to believe, I usually think people are just being nice.

It's been said we are each our own biggest critic. We see all the things that everybody else does, but don't feel the insecurities that they often have. We can't see ourselves perform with an onlooker's view only. Probably the only way to do that would be to perform drunk on video so you don't remember then watch it, but that wouldn't amount to a quality job anyway.

I also blame the internet. Before that, for example I was the best at programming the TI85 calculator in my whole school. Teachers would pull me from boring classes to write programs for their other classes. I got an award and recognition speech. A few years later when internet came along, I learned that what I did was barely a drop in the bucket compared to the assembly programming that others out there had done with the device. Thanks to the internet, it doesn't matter what I do, there's always someone who has done it previously, and done it better.

As far as the interest spikes, I see that. I always looked up to my cousins who played music, had average smarts, good looks, and were well known and loved wherever they went. Well I learned later on that they looked up to me too, because of the specialty things I could do like building a guitar from scratch, and designing and building most of the components along the way. And while they played heavy metal and I played soft rock and country, they were telling others that I played very well.

 

[Crossbreed]

A few years later when internet came along, I learned that what I did was barely a drop in the bucket compared to the assembly programming that others out there had done with the device. Thanks to the internet, it doesn't matter what I do, there's always someone who has done it previously, and done it better.

There is nothing wrong with being an accomplished amateur [< "practiced out of love"]. I still enjoy drawing, while acknowledging my limitations.

 

[Major Tom]

I've learned not to really compare myself to others, because it also ends up making me feel inferior. Instead I embrace my strengths, and try to work on my weaknesses when I can. I know there are some things I'll never be good at, and I accept that.
Accept yourself and you will hopefully lose the desire to compare yourself to others.