Why is everyone better than me

[Pats]

I have a hard time understanding such variances in how people think, live and act. I've spent my life studying about people and watching people and learning all I can about understanding the way people think, feel and react, but no matter how much I learn, I just can't seem to really grasp more than just the concept. For instance, I know that no two people are the same. When I walk into church I see about 100 different people. They all look different and sound different. Those are things I can see. I listen to the sermon and I wonder why the preacher chose that topic because I think everyone there already knows that and lives accordingly. I don't see, therefore I dont know what any of these people do once they leave church but my assumption is that they all live a stronger Christian life than I do. I think they are probably at home reading their Bibles right now while I'm writing a post instead. They are ALL better people than I ever will be.

In nursing school it was the same thing. It doesn't matter that I got high grades, all these other students, even the ones with c's and d's, knew more than I did. I'd hear them give verbal answers and participate in discussions and I couldn't do either of those things. During clinicals, everyone jumped at every opportunity to perform a task like placing an ng tube or catheter. I could never raise my hand or call out that I wanted to volunteer. For one thing, it involves speaking up and the other thing, it involves being observed. I can do it, just don't watch. Other students met in groups to study together and quiz each other while I went home and read. Even as a nurse, all the other nurses had to be smarter than I was because I would hear them using all the technical terms when talking to patients and family members and I didn't. Although I was thanked several times for explaining things in a way they could understand. I know what hemoptisis means, but why not just say the patient is coughing up blood?

Even though I know everyone is different, I'm still under the assumption that they are basically the same. That's the category I'm always trying to fit into. After spending several months here I feel like I'm starting to understand more. Guess that's because people actually are talking about how they think and experiences, whereas anywhere else, you only see what they want you to see.

 

[Pats]

Wait. Maybe it's that I feel like everyone is just better at being a person than I am and I've just been a misfit who doesn't know how to live in this world like everyone else. I keep trying, but everyone else seems so much better at it in every aspect.

 

[tree]

How do you determine that others are "better at it in every aspect"?

 

[Pats]

How do you determine that others are "better at it in every aspect"?

You need proof to determine something for certain. It's just how I feel. I'm okay with it - it just feels like others can do things better, exist easier, is smarter and a better person. I guess I think the best of everyone else while not in myself?
Or I know my flaws and struggles and don't see it in others?

 

[Mia]

Was never good at talking Pats, even thought I developed verbal skills later at school and on the job. Also don't like being watched, when I'm doing things. It creeps me out. People who would stand behind my chair in the office as I was working lasted about two seconds, where I would quickly get up and push the chair right into them.
Oh sorry, didn't see you there

Think that the reason you feel that everyone else is better than you, comes down to the way you were raised. The way you think about yourself, has a lot to do with childhood. It's a hard thing to overcome. That perception. Proper self-esteem doesn't come easily. It has to be worked on.

I suggest that you take a look at the things you've accomplished in your life, your nursing career (how many people have you helped? likely thousands). Your ability to work hard and raise your children pretty much alone. And it looks like you did an excellent job of it, I think. Are all things you should be truly proud of. Go through everything over time that you've done and survived and been with a different outlook. It's what I did.

 

[Judge]

I get such thoughts. I often lament that my father was a better man than me.

But then I can't help but wonder how much more introspective we on the spectrum might be. Especially in dwelling on thoughts of so many social interactions gone bad.

 

[tree]

You need proof to determine something for certain. It's just how I feel. I'm okay with it - it just feels like others can do things better, exist easier, is smarter and a better person. I guess I think the best of everyone else while not in myself?
Or I know my flaws and struggles and don't see it in others?

It seems likely that you know your interior ("flaws and struggles")acutely,
while it appears that you aren't aware of the same sort of workings taking
place in other people.
And that you have made a non-rational decision to suppose that
they are getting by easier ("exist easier") and therefore are superior
("smarter and a better person")to you.

 

[Pats]

I get such thoughts. I often lament that my father was a better man than me.

But then I can't help but wonder how much more introspective we on the spectrum might be. Especially in dwelling on thoughts of so many social interactions gone bad.

Interesting thought. We do tend to have a lot of introspection, which is probably why we see more flaws in ourselves while others don't look at their flaws and just appear more confident?

 

[Judge]

Interesting thought. We do tend to have a lot of introspection, which is probably why we see more flaws in ourselves while others don't look at their flaws and just appear more confident?

It's one trait I really dislike. I get fatigued going over the same things over and over that happened so long ago that I can never resolve. Yet I have great difficulty attempting to stop such thoughts as well.

Something I suspect many of us have.

 

[Mia]

I often lament that my father was a better man than me.

Me too, that he was a better person that anyone I've ever known.

 

[Mr Allen]

Because they're NT and not disabled, and a lot of us are on the Autism spectrum and/or otherwise afflicted.

 

[Shamar]

I have a hard time understanding such variances in how people think, live and act. I've spent my life studying about people and watching people and learning all I can about understanding the way people think, feel and react, but no matter how much I learn, I just can't seem to really grasp more than just the concept. For instance, I know that no two people are the same. When I walk into church I see about 100 different people. They all look different and sound different. Those are things I can see. I listen to the sermon and I wonder why the preacher chose that topic because I think everyone there already knows that and lives accordingly. I don't see, therefore I dont know what any of these people do once they leave church but my assumption is that they all live a stronger Christian life than I do. I think they are probably at home reading their Bibles right now while I'm writing a post instead. They are ALL better people than I ever will be.

In nursing school it was the same thing. It doesn't matter that I got high grades, all these other students, even the ones with c's and d's, knew more than I did. I'd hear them give verbal answers and participate in discussions and I couldn't do either of those things. During clinicals, everyone jumped at every opportunity to perform a task like placing an ng tube or catheter. I could never raise my hand or call out that I wanted to volunteer. For one thing, it involves speaking up and the other thing, it involves being observed. I can do it, just don't watch. Other students met in groups to study together and quiz each other while I went home and read. Even as a nurse, all the other nurses had to be smarter than I was because I would hear them using all the technical terms when talking to patients and family members and I didn't. Although I was thanked several times for explaining things in a way they could understand. I know what hemoptisis means, but why not just say the patient is coughing up blood?

Even though I know everyone is different, I'm still under the assumption that they are basically the same. That's the category I'm always trying to fit into. After spending several months here I feel like I'm starting to understand more. Guess that's because people actually are talking about how they think and experiences, whereas anywhere else, you only see what they want you to see.

Sounds like you are trying to blend in with the NT world. And failing at it. I've read your posts before, and you know better. When we try be become "normal" we usually fail at it.

That being said, I have to admit that there is a powerful temptation to do it. Being an outcast is never pleasant, even when you want to be alone.

One thing I do know is that intelligence is highly variable and, for want of a better word "compartmentalized." Is the idiot savant who can tell what day of the week it was for any date or solve complex equations in his head, yet must be institutionalized more intelligent or less intelligent than the average person? Are the other students using technical words when common words are sufficient being more intelligent or just showing off? You don't want to draw attention to yourself in a group. This sounds like a common autism trait. It is not an indicator of lack of intelligence.

I don't like saying this, but I have a tested IQ (Wechsler Standard Adult) of over 140. Am I intelligent? The tests seem to say so, yet there are a lot of things I do not and cannot understand. For example, in geometry I am perfectly comfortable working on spheres (I'm an expert navigator) and four dimensions, yet some aspects of algebra throw me. I have written many times here about my lack of understanding social interaction. Does that make me unintelligent? In that one particular area, yes. In figuring out field effects of electrical current flowing in the Earth? No.

You know what your strengths are. Go with them and use them.

 

[Mia]

Sometimes I think it's all about perspective. For a good portion of my life I blamed myself for things that happened, and one day I began looking at the occurrences from another point of view. And realized that I had been too self-deprecating.

One instance when I was lost in a forest with a troop of boys, blaming myself for years that it was somehow my fault. Thinking I should have been able to predict that a boy would bolt into the woods. I can't read minds, I'm not superhuman and it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it, it was so random. That I got the boys out by navigating those woods at night without any injuries, was something that didn't occur to me for a long time. I only thought about the responsibility I had, and somehow that it hadn't turned out perfectly.

 

[Fino]

I've had the exact same thoughts so many times! Based on this and other posts, I would say I'm a reincarnated version of you but you're alive and I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

But if it helps at all, my automatic thought when I read the title was, "That's weird, all this time I've been thinking you're better than most people."

From where I'm looking, you can't get much "better"!

 

[Crossbreed]

Why is everyone better than me...?

(You probably know this as a nurse) Whenever you measure any facet [height, BMI, IQ, etc.] of humanity en masse, those statistics almost always form a "bell" curve.* ASD, by definition, is a pervasive development disorder. That is, in some pronounced way, our neuro-development is stunted or delayed in comparison to that curve.**

They seem better at staying on the behavior/developmental path because their kind established that path through repeated wear.

*The center of that curve is called the "mean." (I refer to its inhabitants as "meanies...!" )

**Precocious neuro-development (in comparison to the curve) is understood to be "gifted." Exhibiting both, in the same person, is known as "twice exceptional" [a.k.a. 2E]. I am stuck being an (almost) 57yo "wiz kid..."

 

[Peter Morrison]

Hi Pats - I am glad you are taking a somewhat light-hearted view of yourself, but I also think you are being unnecessarily harsh. I can be my own worst critic, and all I see is flaws. In exchange, I overvalue those parts of me that I think are special and unique. I see it as compensating for the fact that I suffer from low self esteem, but I compare myself with the world in ways that are nothing but a losing proposition.

Like you, I feel that I observe the world as opposed to participating in it. I do things, but I don't follow the crowd. I gave up on that a long time ago. The crowd is not worth following - too much fakery, image, and underhanded manipulation.

I only know you from your posts, but I sense very strongly that you are one of the better people on the earth. You are not angry, you don't whine and complain, you try to solve dilemmas and feelings in a logical way, and you also seem to strive to be a good, happy person. You are already at the top, in my opinion. It's normal to question and compare, but I don't see where the need to do that comes from. Most of us who have had some kind of abuse or misfortune in life can be very critical of our value. We feel we are not good enough according to a standard that we may not agree with or even care about. We focus on the fact that others can portray an image or life that seems to be superior. Life is full of people who are better or worse than others according to different perspectives. The fact that you can admire those who use medical terminology accurately or read the bible more shows that you care about standards. I always thought this of you anyway.

Although life can be a set of unending competitions at every turn, you must be OK with yourself whether you are at the forefront or lagging behind in some respect. We all continue to grow as our lives unfold and develop, so nothing is ever really over. Everyone is in transition, so you shouldn't judge yourself so harshly as if you have lost some competition or feel frustration because someone else can do something better. I think you are doing fine.

 

[Pats]

Thank you everyone for such kind words. I do know I have low self esteem and I'm sure a lot has to do with my upbringing. I always felt like my mom was so disgusted with me that she couldn't even touch me - but now I look back and think maybe she was on the spectrum, too and just wasn't capable. We were playing a game once with my niece and my mom picked a card that she was supposed to braid my hair or get a pimple and she chose the pimple. Any idea how that makes one feel? Anyway, maybe it is the low self esteem that I feel like everyone is better, but do you guys see others as so much better? I have a hard time seeing fault in others and I don't apply as many rules to them as I do myself and much easier on everyone else than I am myself.

 

[onlything]

I think it comes, as you said, from the feeling of not fitting in, of being left out. Logically speaking, you probably know that your thoughts are either faulty or irrelevant, or that your thinking becomes quite extreme, black-white, but it doesn't mean that you know it emotionally. Like me, you seem to have a belief that any other person would cope better in your life than you and that they indeed cope better in their lives than you do in yours... but it's inconsequential in the long run, since you cannot change it anyway. It's better to try to focus on things you have and appreciate, or the little deeds you're proud of or at least you're glad you did. With time, it gets a little easier to think of yourself as not half-bad and if you put work into to you may even turn out quite good in your own eyes. No one is perfect, no one will ever be, we can only try to be the best possible versions of ourselves and guilt is one of the things that will only hinder us in the process.

 

[Crossbreed]

..., but do you guys see others as so much better?

No. I just see them as better able to navigate well-worn channels.

I have a hard time seeing fault in others and I don't apply as many rules to them as I do myself and much easier on everyone else than I am myself.

Their faults are pretty obvious to me, but I have just as many (if in different places), so I am not qualified to "cast the first stone..."

 

[paloftoon]

You feel like a jack of all trades and a master of none. I can relate to that. You might be right about that too. There is nothing wrong with being either.

I guess ultimately, it is us, ourselves, who need to seek what we want. There seems to be a part of you that wants to be accepted for who you are in some kind of circle if not many or all circles you are in. Maybe get out and look for an interest group(s) with a small number where you can all gather and try to connect. Try not to overdo it either- as that is the situation I'm in now.