Why I don't approach women I don't know?

[Tony Ramirez]

I just realized something walking home after my latest encounter with women. The few times I actually approached a woman mainly from Church or yoga I did not know she was standoffish and would not remember my name. Then whenever I would see her again she would completely ignore me. This happened at church with two women that made me so severely depressed it took weeks and much consoling to get out if it.

Then I realize the past couple if years every woman from church and a couple from yoga who say hi to me, know my name, talk to me and even sometime walk with me partway home all approached me. Every single one. Even when I meet my married friend at the coffee shop a woman approached us looking for a church. I told her my name. She came to our church today and sat in front of me. She saw me and knew my name and talked to me and everything. Again she approached me.

So you see why I don't like approaching women I don't know. I know it's more rare for women to approach men even though it's been happening much more now but when it does they are polite, respectful and remember my name.

 

[Judge]

I'm seldom inclined to approach a total stranger regardless of gender for no particular reason if just to be social. Though if they approach me, I try to keep it all cordial. Unless I suspect they intend to commit a felony on my person. Then it's a very different matter.

Though it reminds me of one particular exception, as she was a coworker. So it seemed reasonable to do so. Actually I thought she was adorable, and the one time when I simply could not stop from deliberately interacting with an incredibly cute, but complete stranger. My bad!

Perhaps some day you'll see that one incredibly special person, who you just can't ignore, no matter what perceived social barriers are usually in place keeping you from doing so. One of those situations you don't see coming and probably don't believe it will happen to you. But it did.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I'm seldom inclined to approach a total stranger regardless of gender for no particular reason if just to be social. Though if they approach me, I try to keep it all cordial. Unless I suspect they intend to commit a felony on my person. Then it's a very different matter.

Exactly! I don't approach women (or men, or kids) I don't know because I don't know them!
Yes it limits meeting new people. So it's a win/win for me.

 

[Judge]

Exactly! I don't approach women (or men, or kids) I don't know because I don't know them!
Yes it limits meeting new people. So it's a win/win for me.

It's also why I never dated. Too many social rules/expectations/rituals over someone you don't even know.

So otherwise I stuck to learning about people through friendship rather than a "trial by fire".

-With this one unique exception. Where I figure that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I just thought it was the normal thing to do for a single guy to approach woman. I just know it's been an disappointment the few times I tried. But the ones who approached me I became good friends with some and all of them know my name.

 

[Judge]

But the ones who approached me I became good friends with some and all of them know my name.

That's how most of my friendships turned into relationships happened. They approached me...though it always seemed weird. As if I wanted to turn around to see the cool dude they were really talking to.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I just thought it was the normal thing to do for a single guy to approach woman. I just know it's been an disappointment the few times I tried. But the ones who approached me I became good friends with some and all of them know my name.

You're confusing us with NTs

 

[Thinx]

Hi Tony yes I agree with @Judge, it may be true in the neurotypical world but in our world, things are different, especially around social relating. This is why I find getting to know people at work or at a shared interest group or activity or such, much more effective for me as a way to start friendships or possible relationships.

And once you know them, and get along well with them, it does become possible to think of ways to progress. They may indeed invite such a progression, all my friendships over the years, started that way, also my few and far between relationships.

Clearly the women who remember your name and approach and greet you or talk with you, value you and you are someone they are pleased to see. I am not surprised, as I have noticed you are a thinker, and can be sharp and witty. Just be relaxed and be how you are, show it if you are glad to see them, as they show you. This is how friendships and relationships start.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Clearly the women who remember your name and approach and greet you or talk with you, value you and you are someone they are pleased to see. I am not surprised, as I have noticed you are a thinker, and can be sharp and witty. Just be relaxed and be how you are, show it if you are glad to see them, as they show you. This is how friendships and relationships start.

You're right. The ones who have known me for a while all say that I look thinner. Even today one woman said that too me. One even said last month when I was depressed because of that woman I approached during the summer said two words back to me (exact words: "I got to put away the tables") and never talked to me again ever even when I sat next to her at a someone's home dinner that I lost a lot of weight. It made me feel good.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I just realized something walking home after my latest encounter with women. The few times I actually approached a woman mainly from Church or yoga I did not know she was standoffish and would not remember my name. Then whenever I would see her again she would completely ignore me. This happened at church with two women that made me so severely depressed it took weeks and much consoling to get out if it.

Then I realize the past couple if years every woman from church and a couple from yoga who say hi to me, know my name, talk to me and even sometime walk with me partway home all approached me. Every single one. Even when I meet my married friend at the coffee shop a woman approached us looking for a church. I told her my name. She came to our church today and sat in front of me. She saw me and knew my name and talked to me and everything. Again she approached me.

So you see why I don't like approaching women I don't know. I know it's more rare for women to approach men even though it's been happening much more now but when it does they are polite, respectful and remember my name.

Interesting that a woman approached you, but I'm not surprised on how it happened because normally if a woman does approach a man then she is normally doing it just to be social and kind and friendly but women normally never approach men when trying to convey romantic or sexual interest

 

[Thinx]

Interesting that a woman approached you, but I'm not surprised on how it happened because normally if a woman does approach a man then she is normally doing it just to be social and kind and friendly but women normally never approach men when trying to convey romantic or sexual interest

Maybe not straight off without knowing the person, but after getting to know them, possibly they might feel and wish to convey such interest. That's what @Judge was describing and I think that's definitely how some women may proceed. Then too, the friendship, or potential relationship, is built on knowing someone as opposed to the transferences and hopes that people often may bring to relating initially.

 

[Magna]

@Tony Ramirez What exactly do you mean when you say: "approach women you don't know"?

Do you mean walking up to a complete stranger who is female and start talking to her?

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Maybe not straight off without knowing the person, but after getting to know them, possibly they might feel and wish to convey such interest. That's what @Judge was describing and I think that's definitely how some women may proceed. Then too, the friendship, or potential relationship, is built on knowing someone as opposed to the transferences and hopes that people often may bring to relating initially.

Yeah I'm just saying on how for all time on how women normally never approach men or women are normally never the ones to ask a guy out or never the ones to initiate a relationship and likely that will be the norm for all eternity and hence why the majority of people who end up forever alone or chronically single are mostly male-dominated cases

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Interesting that a woman approached you, but I'm not surprised on how it happened because normally if a woman does approach a man then she is normally doing it just to be social and kind and friendly but women normally never approach men when trying to convey romantic or sexual interest

I know they are approaching me to be social, kind and friendly.

@Tony Ramirez What exactly do you mean when you say: "approach women you don't know"?

Do you mean walking up to a complete stranger who is female and start talking to her?

No. This is either at church during the greeting or coffee hour. Or after yoga class. Not randomly in the park or street unless it's an organized social park event which I been to.

Also forgot to say there was one time I did approach a woman I did not know during the coffee hour and it was a very positive experience. We talked for a while. She greets me every time and knows my name. That was the only exception. That was the woman I was afraid to ask for her number which I still never did get.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I know they are approaching me to be social, kind and friendly.

No. This is either at church during the greeting or coffee hour. Or after yoga class. Not randomly in the park or street unless it's an organized social park event which I been to.

Also forgot to say there was one time I did approach a woman I did not know during the coffee hour and it was a very positive experience. We talked for a while. She greets me every time and knows my name. That was the only exception. That was the woman I was afraid to ask for her number which I still never did get.

I'm glad my assumption was correct because I doubt those women who approached you were doing it because they were attracted to you

 

[Jumpinbare]

I'm glad my assumption was correct because I doubt those women who approached you were doing it because they were attracted to you

Ouch!!

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Ouch!!

I made that comment due to my lifelong hatred and resentment on how nature and reality dictates for all time on men always being expected to make the first move and do the approaching and asking out, I'm sure I'm not the only guy in the world that's always hated and resented on how the world has to be that way on men always being expected to be the initiators

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

ijust keep my distance from them,especially when i'm happily living the single life as i never thought i ever would

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I made that comment due to my lifelong hatred and resentment on how nature and reality dictates for all time on men always being expected to make the first move and do the approaching and asking out, I'm sure I'm not the only guy in the world that's always hated and resented on how the world has to be that way on men always being expected to be the initiators

It doesn’t matter to me whether or not I’m an initiator. What matters to me is if they’re a reciprocator.

 

[MNAus]

I've read someone say this before but it's not going to work when you have this kind of ulterior motive dynamic going on. I mean, "approach". What does that mean? Why does it need a special word like it's some sort of start to a mating ritual, narrated by David Attenborough?

Look, I know you're not actually being manipulative, but though there's a lot of BS out there about how women have intuition (they mostly don't any more than guys) they can spot that uneasy feeling of a man not being upfront about his agenda. So you might be superficially chatting, listening about their cat, nodding as they talk about work, but in your mind this is the "approach" and the next step is "the number", then what? "Back to my house where the bathroom is already set up with tarps"...? They know you have an ulterior motive, but what might it be? Why take the chance to find out?

Men are big and strong. If you're a woman without any sort of training and you're caught in a difficult situation with a guy, you're in trouble. So yeah, they're not going to want to know much about the guy who is basically broadcasting "i need to approach single women, don't want to speak to married women, I need single women" vibes loud and clear.

It's really simple. Talk to everyone from a genuine interest in learning and you can't go wrong. If they're boring, oh well. If they're rude, oh well. Nothing is lost: "oh man, I lost the chance to be bored by someone for 12 hours" or "Poor me, I lost the chance to listen to a terrible person the whole evening". The spark comes from genuine connections, and while you're not being genuine, there will be no spark.