Why do I sometimes "play dumb"?

[Misty Avich]

Why do I keep playing dumb? It's like it's a habit I can't seem to break.

A guy had just come back from suspension (I won't go into the reasons why), and he has a late Christmas present for me and says he'll give it to me when I finish my shift (he finishes at a different time, so we don't have breaks together). Yesterday before I left to go home I went to find him, but another colleague told me not to find him because he's working. I knew the reason why he said that, it was because he'd just returned from his suspension and wasn't a good idea to distract him while he was working (chattering among colleagues during work time isn't really against any rules here, as everyone else does it).

But despite automatically knowing the reasons, I still expressed to another colleague that it wasn't fair I wasn't allowed to speak to my friend and that they shouldn't stop me. I pretended to be looking at it from a "he won't let me talk to my friend because he's a jerk" perspective, and I was hoping the colleague I was confiding in would agree. But instead she said what I already knew, about him not being allowed to chat during work time because of his suspension. So I then felt a bit silly.


Is this a normal human behaviour, or is it just me being awkward to myself? I do find myself doing this quite a lot, I act more naive than I really am, meaning I know and understand more social situations than I let on. Why is this? Does anyone else do this?

 

[kriss72]

You are not alone, I think it is a personality trait seen in many people both ND and NT.

My JJ could do it too, I would be too uncomfortable doing it.

I saw a couple of guys play dumb in our local shop yesterday, trying to get away with stuff, and it wasn't a question of incompetence .

I have seen it used as a facade to get others to do stuff for the "dumb" person too - anyway you are not alone.

 

[kriss72]

Just remembered another story, we had a guy where I worked, who wasn't shy to admit he did the tasks he didn't like in a wrong way to avoid being asked to do them again... just a different way to play dumb

 

[tree]

Why do I keep playing dumb? It's like it's a habit I can't seem to break...

Is this a normal human behaviour, or is it just me being awkward to myself? I do find myself doing this quite a lot, I act more naive than I really am, meaning I know and understand more social situations than I let on. Why is this? Does anyone else do this?

It looks like you are describing defensive behavior.

Using naivete/lack of awareness as an excuse from being responsible for
what you say or do.

 

[Misty Avich]

Oh well I'm glad I'm not alone then.

I didn't think it would be an ASD trait, because usually autistics don't always understand hidden social meanings, and if they do they'd probably be more honest about it. But for me it feels more like an NT trait.

 

[kriss72]

Actually I don't know anyone autistic IRL except myself, so I'm not sure... but I really think it's more a personality trait than an nt one... it might still be more common for nt's though...

Edit: Changed my statement about not knowing anyone autistic IRL, as I don't know anyone who is (self-)diagnosed and have told me - but I do know some who are starting to consider if they are, and some I suspect are/was, but never told me.

 

[Hypnalis]

But for me it feels more like an NT trait.

If it was an NT adult, I'd treat the scenario in the OP as, at best, an attempt to be manipulative.
That's a risk of saying "it's not fair" when the facts don't support it. It could well be a false call for sympathy or claim to victimhood.

I prefer "honest" selfishness (being less agreeable than appropriate).
Everyone has to look out for themselves, so a certain amount of "disagreeableness" is necessary, variation between individuals is normal, and a minor misjudgment doesn't mean much.

Or ASD. IMO ASDs on aggregate incline towards selfishness. But it's due to genuinely not considering the consequences of our actions and choices. The effect is the same, but it's due to naivety rather than calculating or malicious selfishness.

 

[Misty Avich]

It looks like you are describing defensive behavior.

Using naivete/lack of awareness as an excuse from being responsible for
what you say or do.

Maybe, although the reason for his suspension was nothing to do with me. But I know you didn't mean that.

 

[Judge]

Is this a normal human behaviour, or is it just me being awkward to myself? I do find myself doing this quite a lot, I act more naive than I really am, meaning I know and understand more social situations than I let on. Why is this? Does anyone else do this?

"I don't mind unwritten rules. It's written rules I hate." -(Your words in another post.)

Perhaps it's more a matter of your personal disdain for written rules. Particularly those in terms of human resource requirements that can put an employee on some form of probation. The sort of thing that a great deal of employees must actively accept, yet passively despise.

You know you shouldn't approach the employee in question, especially on company time. But it doesn't mean you have to like it, either.

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/my-problem-with-unwritten-rules.46641/#post-1065763

 

[marc_101]

Why do I keep playing dumb? It's like it's a habit I can't seem to break.

A guy had just come back from suspension (I won't go into the reasons why), and he has a late Christmas present for me and says he'll give it to me when I finish my shift (he finishes at a different time, so we don't have breaks together). Yesterday before I left to go home I went to find him, but another colleague told me not to find him because he's working. I knew the reason why he said that, it was because he'd just returned from his suspension and wasn't a good idea to distract him while he was working (chattering among colleagues during work time isn't really against any rules here, as everyone else does it).

But despite automatically knowing the reasons, I still expressed to another colleague that it wasn't fair I wasn't allowed to speak to my friend and that they shouldn't stop me. I pretended to be looking at it from a "he won't let me talk to my friend because he's a jerk" perspective, and I was hoping the colleague I was confiding in would agree. But instead she said what I already knew, about him not being allowed to chat during work time because of his suspension. So I then felt a bit silly.


Is this a normal human behaviour, or is it just me being awkward to myself? I do find myself doing this quite a lot, I act more naive than I really am, meaning I know and understand more social situations than I let on. Why is this? Does anyone else do this?

It sounds more like a way of expressing frustration rather than playing dumb. Instead of saying "I feel frustrated because I wanted to see my friend and now I can't," you complained about something else.

 

[Mary Terry]

Maybe it's just an attention-seeking behavior.

 

[Misty Avich]

 

[Kavigant]

I spent years "playing dumb" because being intelligent and having an excellent vocabulary got me picked on and ostracized.
I studied the way that "average" (and below average) people spoke and began to copy their mannerisms (going so far as to allow my grades to fall to be just above passing) so as to fit in better. I even joined the military in order to better qualify as an "average guy."
Not exactly what was being discussed in OP, but a thought that arose in response to the titular question.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm not a narcissist though, am I? (Please say I'm not). I don't ever hurt anyone emotionally, and these little behaviours are equivalent to the definition of white lies.
Just hearing the words "manipulative" and "attention-seeking" don't sound good, unless you mean it in a different context, which is OK.

I'm not a narcissist, because my husband has married a narcissist before, and he's quite familiar with how dating/marrying a narcissist is and says he can spot a narcissist a mile away. But he says I'm like the opposite of a narcissist.

 

[kriss72]

@Misty Avich I don't see it as narcissistic, you knew it was to protect the college, I don't think a narcissist would have the insight to understand that.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I often do this because I don't want to be stuck in a conversation I'm not interested in, because I want to uphold a certain reputation, and for humor value.

For instance, I do know quite a bit of sports trivia from reading the news, but I honestly don't have any interest in sports, and find conversations about them incredibly boring. If people ask me about something sports related, I often pretend not to know anything about it to escape a potential conversation. As a kid, I would often pretend not to know something because I felt like knowing it was kid-like and beneath me, or didn't fit my personality (I was quite the snob). On the forums (and in real life), I often give reactions as if I'm taking things literally, even when I know said item is a joke.

 

[Rodafina]

It sounds mentally tiring to "play dumb" in the ways being described. It would take a lot of processing power to come up with these white lies in the moment. I tend not to do these things because it is simpler. Authenticity does not take so much brain power.

@Misty Avich
Behavior that can be described as manipulative or attention-seeking does not necessarily directly relate to narcissism. When one is desperate for connections to others, they can sometimes manipulate. When one feels totally alone and unseen, they can act in attention seeking ways. There is an underlying reason that you are making up these white lies and feigning ignorance ("playing dumb"). Based on things you've shared about your social interactions, it could be due to insecurity and a feeling of wanting to protect your image to others. This is not a criticism, but an observation of a social survival strategy. You seem afraid to lose control of how the world sees you. Bending the truth into white lies or playing dumb could be a way for you to attempt to control the way others see you.

 

[Misty Avich]

It sounds mentally tiring to "play dumb" in the ways being described. It would take a lot of processing power to come up with these white lies in the moment. I tend not to do these things because it is simpler. Authenticity does not take so much brain power.

@Misty Avich
Behavior that can be described as manipulative or attention-seeking does not necessarily directly relate to narcissism. When one is desperate for connections to others, they can sometimes manipulate. When one feels totally alone and unseen, they can act in attention seeking ways. There is an underlying reason that you are making up these white lies and feigning ignorance ("playing dumb"). Based on things you've shared about your social interactions, it could be due to insecurity and a feeling of wanting to protect your image to others. This is not a criticism, but an observation of a social survival strategy. You seem afraid to lose control of how the world sees you. Bending the truth into white lies or playing dumb could be a way for you to attempt to control the way others see you.

OK, I get it now. Thanks.

 

[Misty Avich]

I can seem to make up little lies on the spot, when needed. Even when I was little, which is another reason I often question my diagnosis.
I remember when I was 4 or 5 we all had to draw our houses on a piece of paper, making the whole paper the whole front of the house and just sticking on squares for the windows and door. But I forgot myself and drew the house at the bottom middle of the page, then started sticking two little squares on for the windows. But the teacher noticed and reminded me that the whole paper was supposed to be the house. I knew she'd make me start again and I didn't want to. Luckily I had draw a rectangular shape that could pass off as a large door, so I said that is the front door and that it has two windows on (which was a lie). The teacher believed me and let me carry on.

But, being only small, I started worrying after that in case the teacher came past my house and saw that my front door didn't have two windows on lol. But the point is, I seemed to have developed a sense of TOM and was able to make up a white lie on the spot. I bet I failed the stupid Sallyanne test though.

 

[kriss72]

I can seem to make up little lies on the spot, when needed. Even when I was little, which is another reason I often question my diagnosis.
I remember when I was 4 or 5 we all had to draw our houses on a piece of paper, making the whole paper the whole front of the house and just sticking on squares for the windows and door. But I forgot myself and drew the house at the bottom middle of the page, then started sticking two little squares on for the windows. But the teacher noticed and reminded me that the whole paper was supposed to be the house. I knew she'd make me start again and I didn't want to. Luckily I had draw a rectangular shape that could pass off as a large door, so I said that is the front door and that it has two windows on (which was a lie). The teacher believed me and let me carry on.

LOL - I could have done that too, if I'm caught in doing something unintentionally wrong, the feeling of failure is worse than the one of maybe twisting the truth a bit...

But, being only small, I started worrying after that in case the teacher came past my house and saw that my front door didn't have two windows on lol. But the point is, I seemed to have developed a sense of TOM and was able to make up a white lie on the spot. I bet I failed the stupid Sallyanne test though.

I always feel bad for a loooooooong time after, ok I admit, it was me who scratched that table in the office, sorry