When you feel disgusted with yourself

[The Phantom]

Hey guys,

I just really need to talk about how I've been feeling, because it's been a while and I only see my counselor every 2 weeks, so I need a place to talk where I won't be judged.



I've felt that lately, I feel like a bad person/ disgusted with certain emotions I have/ reactions.

Today at school, my science table and i were discussing the Shrek movies (lol I know, super random, but I digress) and my friend mentioned how at his old school last year the school's play was shrek the musical. He said that 'The fattest kid in the grade played Shrek' and for some reason my other friend and I laughed. Not a lot, just a little because of how my friend phrased/said it and I know i can't always use this as an excuse but please cut us some slack, we're in 8th grade.
Anyway, that ended and we went on with our work. Then, my classmate who sits next to me said to me 'You're so rude for calling him fat,' I was taken aback, and replied 'You know I didn't actually say anything' and I sounded like I didn't care, but I was really hurt. I thought he was joking at first, but he always laughs, but this time he wasn't. He shook his head at me, really dissapointed and said "But you laughed." I got really upset and my mood was ruined for the rest of the schoolday. A quality of mine is that I tend to feel emotions in the extreme, when a small thign upsets me it can affect me for the rest of the day. To make it worse, the classmate who told me off is on the spectrum, I'm almost entirely sure. And usually I'm used to spectrum kids being really frank (my other spectrum friends are really frank and can be pretty rude) but then one kid says I was rude. And I felt like a terrible person for laughing, and that he thought I was a bad perosn for saying this to me. He didn't even tell the other guy off (the one who said the thing in the first place) he called me 'so rude. And I really hate when peopel say that because it's not liek theri excactly saints themselves. I know this is getting worked up over nothing, he is more severe on the AS scale than me so I know I should excuse what he said, but I really got upset when he said that. Especially since he chose the one other kid with AS to say that to lol. I just felt cruel after he said that to me.

Also, I get very annoyed/angry at the popular girls in my school, who sometimes act airheaded but everyone likes them and they have complete confidence in what they do (on the outside, at least) while I get embarrassed to have some people even pass me by on the street. I just hate that all the guys like them and stuff when they have very little originality/personality and are mostly just 'cool' and that's it.
Sometimes, when I see celebrities or something with their girlfriend (even when I don't have a crush on said celebrity) I can sometimes get really angry, not at them dating someone, but just the person their dating. I just get overwhelming jealousy that these people who are socially accepted as gorgeous can find hapiness like that while I'm stuck at home wanting to run away or even kill myself sometimes. And on the opposite side when I think someone is 'too ugly' Iget annoyed that they are dating a certian person.

The thing is, I hate these emotions with everything I have.

I wish I didn't have to feel this way about people, I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could be like those people who are always happy for others, and call certain couples 'so cute' and stuff like that, but I know I can't be that person. There are some couples who I love together, but that's not a huge lot. I don't even have romantic feelings for these people, and it can even extend to fictional characters. I hate to be the bitter person who just because they're not happy, means that more privileged people shouldn't be happy either, in fact that's what i try to fight against (people who hate more privileged people for having a happy existence). But I can't help feeling this way, and I feel like there is something wrong with me/ that I"m a bad person for feeling this way. I hope and wish everyday I didn't have to feel like this, but I do and I hate it. I'm honeslty starting to gain more self-esteem issues from how I feel about my personality than anything else. How I feel others view me if a whole nother story.

Any advice for feeling better about myself/ and feeling happier for others?

Thank you so much!

 

[RidingDutchman]

First of all about the "fat" thing
It is completely normal behavior for young teens to make jokes about things like that, most people would lie if they say they don't do it so I wouldn't worry too much about that, making fun of people like that is pretty normal behavior.

Your other problem, with the "cool" people I can totally understand. But remind yourself of one thing. Just because somebody looks happy doesn't mean they are. Being a celebrity looks incredibly glitter and glamour but remember that those people can't even normally go to the grocery store without being smothered by people annoying them.

Playing fair weather is really easy for some people and most those cool, popular kids have insecurities as well, why else would you constantly want to prove how cool you are by reminding people of that fact.

I know it is hard but try to look at yourself as an individual with all your good points and traits, nobody is perfect so don't try to be. It's a thing i struggle with myself so I know it is way easier to say as it is to do, but try to sometimes put away that mirror and just be you. You can't be liked by everybody and as long as your friends like you, that's what matters most.

About that friend that called you rude. No offense to any auties here but many can be incredibly straight forward and black and white in their thinking and don't think about what their words might mean to others.
For example a guy once asked me from what farm I came, and if I could try to speak like a normal educated person.
I know I talk with an accent and from his point of view I can get why he prefers listening to people without an accent, but after getting back to him about it, he couldn't understand why I might be annoyed by a remark such as that.

Something to think about: just because somebody has a problem with you, doesn't mean you have a problem. Perhaps it is them with a problem or issue.

 

[Wireless]

Please don't judge yourself too harshly. We've all laughed about others and felt jealously.
I don't really have much advice to give, but I like to listen to beautiful, moving music. It reminds me that we're all imperfect human beings, but we're also all precious because we are so human.
This is one of my favorite pieces of music from Dr Who. I don't know if you've even seen the show. Maybe you don't like it. I'm sorry for posting it, if that's case.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[BlueChapel]

5HTP and GABA help me a lot, in terms of keeping a level head. I also find that pot before bed really helps. I just have to be careful what strain I smoke. Indicas often make me feel like ripping my wrists open. But seriously, if the guy who introduced me to pot told me he was Jesus, I'd believe him. That's how much weed has improved my life.