When to tell potential date that you're Autistic?

[Gerontius]

So anyway I'm talking to someone nice, and we have the understanding that this isn't for "hookups" but for an actual chance to get to know one another with an eye on marriage.

We share similar temperaments & interests & seem to be getting along.

The thing is -- I should wait, right, before revealing that I'm on the high-functioning end of the spectrum? Not really sure. Ideas? Thanks.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I'm not sure what it changes to tell them one way or the other. Autism is part of you - it's with you in the way you think, act and live your life.

If they like you for who you are, then must a label be attached? How does your body feel when you think about telling them? If there's a feeling of nervousness around revealing this diagnosis to them, is it needed? Surely autism is already revealing itself each time you see and speak to them?

I suppose if it's important to you, then go for it. But I wouldn't feel like you need to pin a time/date or moment to tell them. If it occurs naturally, or feels right - go for it. But if there's apprehension around it - wait, and give it time until things feel right.

Ed

 

[GadAbout]

My dear husband told me of some of his peculiarities before we married because he didn't want there to be any secrets. They didn't matter to me. We're an excellent match. We met on Plenty of Fish, by the way.

 

[Magna]

This is only my opinion of course, but I would tell the person now rather than wait. Disclosing at the outset or shortly thereafter means you start the relationship on "good footing".

The longer you wait and the stronger the relationship develops, the greater the imbalance becomes (good strong relationship / hiding something from them).

 

[GadAbout]

Well, the first date is too soon. It's like giving your date a chance to reject you before they actually like you.

I'd wait until there is something of a relationship going but before permanent commitment.

Also, there's the question of what it means to be autistic in your particular context. Few people understand autistic traits and those who do have some knowledge may misjudge the significance in your case.

So, "I want you to know that I'm high-functioning autistic and what that means is:

- sometimes I have trouble expressing my emotions or even recognizing my own emotions

- I sometimes get lost in a special interest or work when I am in hyperfocus

- on the plus side, I'm very loyal " etc.

 

[Gerontius]

Well, the first date is too soon. It's like giving your date a chance to reject you before they actually like you.

I'd wait until there is something of a relationship going but before permanent commitment.

Also, there's the question of what it means to be autistic in your particular context. Few people understand autistic traits and those who do have some knowledge may misjudge the significance in your case.

So, "I want you to know that I'm high-functioning autistic and what that means is:

- sometimes I have trouble expressing my emotions or even recognizing my own emotions

- I sometimes get lost in a special interest or work when I am in hyperfocus

- on the plus side, I'm very loyal " etc.

OK! This is what's needed.

The girl I liked before this one didn't see me in the same way at all, which is fine (and we are still good friends) but as far as loyalty goes, I didn't have a bed in my apartment (so that any female guests could come over without there being an appearance of starting something. Ridiculous? Or genius? I'll tell you whether I have a wife or a backache in ten years.)

There are a ton of horror stories about autistic guys dating & the one that scares me most is that we're perceived to be controlling. That worries me. I don't want to be that kind of person at all.

So in the meantime I am still looking round--it might be interesting, this dating thing.

 

[paloftoon]

I like to wait until the 3rd date/meeting in-person unless they suspect something or something extreme happens like maybe if you find out your date really had to go to the hospital (this really did happen to me with a "date" or "friend").

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

OK! This is what's needed.

The girl I liked before this one didn't see me in the same way at all, which is fine (and we are still good friends) but as far as loyalty goes, I didn't have a bed in my apartment (so that any female guests could come over without there being an appearance of starting something. Ridiculous? Or genius? I'll tell you whether I have a wife or a backache in ten years.)

There are a ton of horror stories about autistic guys dating & the one that scares me most is that we're perceived to be controlling. That worries me. I don't want to be that kind of person at all.

So in the meantime I am still looking round--it might be interesting, this dating thing.

Looks like your an out of the box thinker.

 

[Gerontius]

Looks like your an out of the box thinker.

I try to be, LOL!
If you have something to do I promise I can invent a more impractical way to do it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I try to be, LOL!
If you have something to do I promise I can invent a more impractical way to do it.

My youngest son likes to think outside the box. He became a tour guide to meet potential girl friends, worked now engaged.

 

[VernalSole1355]

My opinion is this: As long as you're just dating, you don't have to tell her that your Autistic, but if you two decide to go into a boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship, then you need to tell her before you go into that stage to allow her time to process if she's going to be able to, and I mean this with all respect, handle you because of your Autism.

Let me make this clear, I am not trying to be mean here. I'm just stating the facts as they are. Some people out there may not be able to handle someone with Autism in a relationship of that level. This could be due to a variety of factors. For example, they may have someone in their own life with Autism or something similar, and they just cannot mentally handle two persons with Autism. No offense, but from someone who is an Aspie and someone who has friends and has been in relationships with at least one Aspie, we can be quite a handful at times.

That's why the respectful thing to do once you decide to go to that stage, or earlier if you feel comfortable, is letting her know you have it, and making sure she has some time to process that information. Plus, it's a good test to see whether she cares about you enough to accommodate for your differences.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

My opinion is this: As long as you're just dating, you don't have to tell her that your Autistic, but if you two decide to go into a boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship, then you need to tell her before you go into that stage to allow her time to process if she's going to be able to, and I mean this with all respect, handle you because of your Autism.

Let me make this clear, I am not trying to be mean here. I'm just stating the facts as they are. Some people out there may not be able to handle someone with Autism in a relationship of that level. This could be due to a variety of factors. For example, they may have someone in their own life with Autism or something similar, and they just cannot mentally handle two persons with Autism. No offense, but from someone who is an Aspie and someone who has friends and has been in relationships with at least one Aspie, we can be quite a handful at times.

That's why the respectful thing to do once you decide to go to that stage, or earlier if you feel comfortable, is letting her know you have it, and making sure she has some time to process that information. Plus, it's a good test to see whether she cares about you enough to accommodate for your differences.

i'm an aspie,so i'm not telling her a thing,because the moment she ever finds out about it,she's done with me,also because the way i see it,they want nothing to do with us because of the way we appear so severely awkward to them,as well as unattractive,upon eye contact & i resent them for it

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

A little to cynical for my way of doing things, do not have a over simplistic view of women.

 

[VernalSole1355]

i'm an aspie,so i'm not telling her a thing,because the moment she ever finds out about it,she's done with me,also because the way i see it,they want nothing to do with us because of the way we appear so severely awkward to them,as well as unattractive,upon eye contact & i resent them for it

Remember, and this is something we all need to hear every now & again, men & women alike. Not every Neuro-Typical is the same. Look what happened on Big Bang Theory with Sheldon & Amy. Amy's an NT, and Sheldon is (highly likely but not confirmed) Autistic in some capacity, yet their relationship goes the distance. Sure, it's a TV show, but it's a practical reminder that there are other Amys in the world. It's alright for us to love an NT, it's alright for us to love a fellow Aspie. God will provide for us who we are supposed to be with.

 

[Magna]

As can be imagined, this question/topic has come up before on various autism forums I've been a part of. Opinions on this subject can be vastly different. There are those that believe early disclosure is important for both partners. I recall seeing opinions on another forum on this topic where some people actually believed that disclosing one's autism even to a potential lifelong partner was not the non-autistic partner's business and the people with that opinion believed they could have a meaningful relationship hiding that secret presumably all of their lives. Personally I don't see how that would be possible, why anyone would want to live that way or how anyone could have a truly honest relationship with someone else if they never disclosed their autism. I would never want to have a relationship like that.

 

[Gerontius]

My opinion is this: As long as you're just dating, you don't have to tell her that your Autistic, but if you two decide to go into a boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship, then you need to tell her before you go into that stage to allow her time to process if she's going to be able to, and I mean this with all respect, handle you because of your Autism.

Let me make this clear, I am not trying to be mean here. I'm just stating the facts as they are. Some people out there may not be able to handle someone with Autism in a relationship of that level. This could be due to a variety of factors. For example, they may have someone in their own life with Autism or something similar, and they just cannot mentally handle two persons with Autism. No offense, but from someone who is an Aspie and someone who has friends and has been in relationships with at least one Aspie, we can be quite a handful at times.

That's why the respectful thing to do once you decide to go to that stage, or earlier if you feel comfortable, is letting her know you have it, and making sure she has some time to process that information. Plus, it's a good test to see whether she cares about you enough to accommodate for your differences.

Indeed I rather tend to agree with you.

I have to distance myself slightly from my family as my father shows a lot of the same symptoms as I am--I'm diagnosed, and he is not but when during the family rosary both of us were stimming in the exact same way (leg bouncing) and in the exact same cadence--I had to start laughing. Yes. Two Aspies in one spot is a lot to put up with LOL.

The thing is, I don't know if this will make sense to folks on here but once dating starts, it's only a short step to what they used to call "going steady" with another person; I am not of the personality to really date casually, and the girls attracted to me are not really "casual" either.

Yes, I suppose I'd let her know honestly enough once things got serious, because that seems like the right thing to do. I wouldn't want to marry someone with BPD, for example, without knowing what it was or how it worked.

 

[Gerontius]

i'm an aspie,so i'm not telling her a thing,because the moment she ever finds out about it,she's done with me,also because the way i see it,they want nothing to do with us because of the way we appear so severely awkward to them,as well as unattractive,upon eye contact & i resent them for it

Haven't found this to be the case. If we're that bloody UGLY, then I shouldn't even have to ask whether or not to tell. No, I find girls don't mind me at all--and since autism is frequently hereditary I guess other girls & other guys didn't mind too much either.

 

[Gerontius]

As can be imagined, this question/topic has come up before on various autism forums I've been a part of. Opinions on this subject can be vastly different. There are those that believe early disclosure is important for both partners. I recall seeing opinions on another forum on this topic where some people actually believed that disclosing one's autism even to a potential lifelong partner was not the non-autistic partner's business and the people with that opinion believed they could have a meaningful relationship hiding that secret presumably all of their lives. Personally I don't see how that would be possible, why anyone would want to live that way or how anyone could have a truly honest relationship with someone else if they never disclosed their autism. I would never want to have a relationship like that.

Magna, I remember your posts on Wrong Planet were good and you continue the unbroken pattern here.

I don't see the point of starting a relationship that isn't honest; there's nothing attractive about that at all.

 

[Aspychata]

This is tough. First we don't even know where we are going in relationships because of communication issues. So to throw out one more wrench , hey not only can l not communicate well, hiccup, hiccup, but l am on the spectrum, hiccup, hiccup. I don't even know where l am going in relationships because l have no personal relationship GPS system. So it maybe be a tab premature to offer up such information.

I haven't come across a post of- omg, l confessed, she left or he divorced me because they found out l am a hamburger or an aussie.

 

[Thinx]

Remember, and this is something we all need to hear every now & again, men & women alike. Not every Neuro-Typical is the same. Look what happened on Big Bang Theory with Sheldon & Amy. Amy's an NT, and Sheldon is (highly likely but not confirmed) Autistic in some capacity, yet their relationship goes the distance. Sure, it's a TV show, but it's a practical reminder that there are other Amys in the world. It's alright for us to love an NT, it's alright for us to love a fellow Aspie. God will provide for us who we are supposed to be with.

I think Amy's an Aspie too. Totally. The female profiles often a bit different. Maybe this person @Gerontius is dating is an Aspie too, or has empathy with our ways of thinking and being.

I think the main reason this is tricky is the unhelpful stereotypes that get conjured up by the word autism. People may see us as damaged or weird or negatively in some way. So have information ready for whenever you mention this.