The suggestion had nothing to do with your relationship with your step-son.
I suggested you change your status so that people wouldn't be confused by it.
As some already have noted.
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When does autism become an excuse?
- Thread starter yaeuhw
- Start date
The suggestion had nothing to do with your relationship with your step-son.
I suggested you change your status so that people wouldn't be confused by it.
As some already have noted.
Well it's a clean room but that does not mean I can't get advice. Look I have gone out of my way to please him and the next day it will the same thing. Unfortunately there is NO bonding between us. As the man of the house I just want respect.
As poor you mean pity because of his mental state? As young you mean because of his mental state he acts more like a 5 year old? Look I have no say when it comes to his direction. Label him as my problem you mean repairing damaged walls, doors, furniture, personal things? Being threatened with knives, punched, kicked and verbally assaulted? You have no idea.
I know from bitter experience medicines for the mind are very powerful and the medicine he takes could have any number of side-effects his mother is probably concerned about his mental state being that he is autistic she is now experiencing a level of Intimacy she has never had if he has never been taught to be emotionally mature let's say he's not graduated maturity school and sadly he will probably learn in a very painful way I have learned this is what is most important to you
Absolutely medicines have helped and finding the right combo is crucial. He has been autistic his entire life and of course she is but treating like a baby to shut him up is not right. I believe like normal kids set in their ways he is too old. He wasn't taught these things early on and with him he should've been I believe.
If you leave the possibility open, then bonding could still happen. Hopefully, you haven't closed that door, even if it is currently not open from his end; however, your statement indicates that you have already closed the door.
Respect is never a given. It has to be earned.
It is okay to put "Not on the spectrum" for family members and other concerned citizens. It helps to allay such confusion and lets us know that we should answer in an NT frame of mind.
Buzzerfly
Well-Known Member
No. I said poor, because I felt so sad for him for having to deal with such an inhospitable home. I said young, because he is young. At 19, I felt young. It also seems to me that you are using this site for external validation of what you already need to be true in order to justify questionable behavior. That trait is not something autistics comprehend, and therefore, you are tricking people on here into thinking that you really are asking for their advice.
And as for the young man's violence, I suppose it is the result of a legitimate anger towards you for blinding his mother's faint understanding of him, coupled with a disturbance in his mind from the harmful medication you have him on.
As a post script, I happen to like 5 year olds.
Buzzerfly
Well-Known Member
This guy can't hear anything you are saying.
Some of that is just "terrible teens." I am on the spectrum and my [natural-born] youngest (17yo) may be, too, or has other mental issues. He refuses to acknowledge basic family boundaries. His nearly-19yo (gifted, possibly 2E) brother gets the intent of our rules and has not been nearly as adversarial.
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InfinityRose
Well-Known Member
Hmm, this does seem like a tricky situation.
From what you said, the anger problems are what worry me the most. It's never acceptable to scream or become violent with another person (unless it is in self-defense, of course), even if the person in question is autistic. That being said, autistic people in general tend to become very stressed when we are experiencing sensory overload, or when we feel a great deal of pressure on us. So while you should never let him bully or intimidate you, try not to dismiss any triggers he might have as just something he needs to "get over," either.
As far as his room goes, maybe try a compromise. Try to suggest a rule against him bringing food or drinks into his room so you don't have to worry about bugs getting into your house. However, if it's just disorganized and not actually dirty, then I'd say just leave it be, especially if it's negatively impacting your relationship with him or your wife. A messy room is not something worth making a huge fuss about imo.
From what you said, the anger problems are what worry me the most. It's never acceptable to scream or become violent with another person (unless it is in self-defense, of course), even if the person in question is autistic. That being said, autistic people in general tend to become very stressed when we are experiencing sensory overload, or when we feel a great deal of pressure on us. So while you should never let him bully or intimidate you, try not to dismiss any triggers he might have as just something he needs to "get over," either.
As far as his room goes, maybe try a compromise. Try to suggest a rule against him bringing food or drinks into his room so you don't have to worry about bugs getting into your house. However, if it's just disorganized and not actually dirty, then I'd say just leave it be, especially if it's negatively impacting your relationship with him or your wife. A messy room is not something worth making a huge fuss about imo.
I like the suggestion about turning the room cleaning into a bonding experience, and building a relationship. For some on the spectrum something like cleaning a room can be very daunting, and a bit overwhelming, others with ASD have to be neat and tidy. The best way to learn how to approach your son would be getting to know him. Once you start to establish a positive role in his life, I would approach your wife about the spoiling, and explain the importance of presenting a united front as parents and as partners, that means consulting each other, and not making decisions unilaterally. The goal should be, ultimately, to help this young man become more independent, that can't happen if he's given everything. I'm sending you positive vibes, and wish you the best of luck. 
Since autistic people dislike change, I'm wondering if the mere fact that you are now living with his mother could also be a catalyst for some of this behavior and his unwillingness to conform to your rules. There must also be a certain amount of 'atmosphere' in the house, given the conflict you gave described. I don't know what the answer is, but there is often difficulty in newly blended families even without autism being a factor.
I'm wondering how much time you spent with the son before you got married and whether you discussed the role you would play beforehand. If he just doesn't like you and resents your presence in his and his mother's life, I think you may have a difficult road ahead.
I'm wondering how much time you spent with the son before you got married and whether you discussed the role you would play beforehand. If he just doesn't like you and resents your presence in his and his mother's life, I think you may have a difficult road ahead.
I can imagine and he is obviously taking advantage of the fact that he can turn on the "water works" and his mum immediately sides with him.
Sadly, there are only two choices you have. Reason with her and hope she listens and if not, put up or walk away.
OlLiE
Well-Known Member
your wife has married you,
compartmentalising which parts of married life you are and are not allowed into seems a bit opportunistic, especially if the child's behaviour impacts your relationship
as they say in the USA, 'no taxation without representation'
marriage is a package deal, personally i wouldn't put up with a wife that puts her kids before me by locking me out, putting kids first does not mean locking out your partner from having a say in how the peace is kept in your household
kids automatically sense when parents are divided and exploit it to the max
agree to not exhibit division in front of the child
it seems to me that your wife is a bigger problem than the child
i would suggest talking to your wife about it to try and form a common front,
get her to agree on what areas she thinks it is worth trying to correct behaviour,
and agree a common plan
start with smaller things, quick wins and gain trust from your wife and the child
you will see if progress is possible or not, and make a new plan from there
at the end of the day, at one point he will have to go out into the world, she should want him to be able to cope with it as much as he can
ps what i wrote is just my opinion, i tend to see things as a black/white process, so i end up sounding too confrontational, apologies in advance
good luck
compartmentalising which parts of married life you are and are not allowed into seems a bit opportunistic, especially if the child's behaviour impacts your relationship
as they say in the USA, 'no taxation without representation'
marriage is a package deal, personally i wouldn't put up with a wife that puts her kids before me by locking me out, putting kids first does not mean locking out your partner from having a say in how the peace is kept in your household
kids automatically sense when parents are divided and exploit it to the max
agree to not exhibit division in front of the child
it seems to me that your wife is a bigger problem than the child
i would suggest talking to your wife about it to try and form a common front,
get her to agree on what areas she thinks it is worth trying to correct behaviour,
and agree a common plan
start with smaller things, quick wins and gain trust from your wife and the child
you will see if progress is possible or not, and make a new plan from there
at the end of the day, at one point he will have to go out into the world, she should want him to be able to cope with it as much as he can
ps what i wrote is just my opinion, i tend to see things as a black/white process, so i end up sounding too confrontational, apologies in advance
good luck
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Also, try to keep these discussions reasonable and calm, no devolving into arguments if it can be helped. Start out with topics about helping your son become more independent (without it looking like you're trying to push him out of the nest). Later on, discussions will have to be had about how you were treated in all this, nothing worse than feeling unsupported by your own partner.
Autism is not really the problem here - except the brushing past him bit, because autism can (usually does) create high sensitivity to touch, particularly light touch, which can result in considerable and very real pain. But the issue is one a lot of step-parents face when the bond between child and natural parent is long-running, and significantly predates the step-parent's participation in the family.
There are only two routes to resolve the issues that arise from this. The first is to confront it, which can cause a bit of separation between the child and parent, but even if it does, it might only be brief. The second is a bit more of a bite-the-bullet approach and ask 'what can we do to help(name of child) deal with this'.
One thing that is invariably true however, is that after many years, the child will be used to, and conditioned to, being treated in a particular way, and having particular expectations placed on him, and of course particular freedoms given. It isn't his fault. In a situation like this it's a parenting failure which you can't really resolve by demanding the child changes, and sadly nor is it likely that the mother would admit to her failures by changing her parenting style now. Short of a confrontation, it's you who will have to compromise. It shouldn't be the case, but in practice it is.
Ames
Active Member
I agree with above commenter who suggested helping him to clean/organize his room.
Every person is different, so my personal feelings may not be applicable (that is, I am well aware I am projecting), but I find that I need a "system" for everything. I am overwhelmed to the point of being non-functional in messy, chaotic environments. If your stepson is similarly wired, he may be overwhelmed by the mess, but unable to organize it himself. Personally, I do best with few, well-organized belongings. Maybe approach it as an experiment to see if organizing his space would help him thrive by giving him some clear, reliable systems/signals to utilize? (E.g., if all the clothes go into the hamper, then when the hamper is full, you'll know you need to do laundry. If your bed is made and cleaned off, then you'll know that clothes I stack on it are clean and ready to be put away. Etc.)
Every person is different, so my personal feelings may not be applicable (that is, I am well aware I am projecting), but I find that I need a "system" for everything. I am overwhelmed to the point of being non-functional in messy, chaotic environments. If your stepson is similarly wired, he may be overwhelmed by the mess, but unable to organize it himself. Personally, I do best with few, well-organized belongings. Maybe approach it as an experiment to see if organizing his space would help him thrive by giving him some clear, reliable systems/signals to utilize? (E.g., if all the clothes go into the hamper, then when the hamper is full, you'll know you need to do laundry. If your bed is made and cleaned off, then you'll know that clothes I stack on it are clean and ready to be put away. Etc.)
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