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When does autism become an excuse?

Y

yaeuhw

Active Member
My wife has a 19 yr old son with autism. He has been on several different meds and seems to be getting better anger wise but now has become more needy. I am fairly new in his life and have had many rage filled issues with him but I am not his biological father so my say is limited. My wife uses his autism for just about everything. I believe he can be taught to clean his room, which is always a complete dump but he complains and denies its his mess. Oh and another thing is she buys him just about whatever he wants and I don't feel that is right. My concerns or complaints are always met with denial and blow backs from her. She won't join any support groups which also concerns me. Before I get to my wits end when does the autism become an excuse?
 
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No excuse for a messy room or direct disobedience. If you can take a fully grown aspy, put them in your son's shoe and they can't think of a good excuse.... well. You have your answer.

I wouldn't go off the deep end. Rather cultivate obedience and nurture love.

I personally would have turned into a selfish emo kid if my dad didn't spank me and love me. It would have been too lonely. Punishment is still love. It's care. Your not doing it because you want to, your doing it because it matters.

Now I'm not saying try to override whatever causes problems. Still going to be a kid, and autistic. It's a touchy subject.
Just don't come out trying to make your son normal. That will never happen. Normal is overrated.
 
I suck at this, so take what I say with care. Try to imagine you are your son from the future. What would have wanted from dad?
 
Welcome, @yaeuhw! Tough situation. I can relate. I've been in it with two teenage piggies... I mean step-sons, one of whom is an Aspie. What is more important to you: building a relationship with your step-son (and all the trust that eventually comes along with it) or having a clean house? If your answer is a clean house, then I can't help you. If your highest priority is building the relationship, then please read on:

If that untidy room bothers you so much, then help him clean it up. Lead by example. Model the behavior. Turn it into a weekly bonding event (again: relationship building > tidiness). Doing so will both build that trust and get the house in the condition you want it. Remember: neither he nor your wife really care about a tidy house. You're most likely fighting a losing battle in trying to change their attitudes about it. In time, hopefully your son will see the benefits of having a clean room. If not, then at least he will appreciate your servant leadership and the fact that you took the time to bond with him. Once you establish the trust, then he might become more willing to help keep the house clean. One thing I do know from experience: both your wife and step-son will appreciate your new attitude toward the situation.
 
My husband's mother had four sons. All of whom had autistic traits. She did everything for them, cleaned their rooms, made all meals, did their laundry. That's who I married, a husband who didn't know how to be independent. He wanted me to be like his Mom and take care of these things for the rest of his life. Although I didn't know that at first, and learned pretty quickly that was what he wanted.

We both went to school, and then worked. In the beginning I had two jobs, one at home, and the other outside the home. Realized that this wouldn't work and I began showing him how to cook, clean and do laundry. Initially, we did this together until he felt comfortable doing these things. It was more a matter of showing him how to do these things, and his remembering to do them, rather than him not wanting to. He was reluctant at first, but it became a routine after awhile.

Please show him, how to cook, clean, and do his own laundry. It's something every individual should know to become an independent adult. As well as teaching him the value of money, and that it has to be worked for, earned and saved. If he's autistic, then he needs to know these things to function in a world where his parents will not live forever.
 
yaeuhw said:
My wife ha an 19 yr old son with autism. He has been on several different meds and seems to be getting better anger wise but now has become more needy. I am fairly new in his life and have had many rage filled issues with him but I am not his biological father so my say is limited. My wife uses his autism for just about everything. I believe he can be taught to clean his room, which is always a complete dump but he complains and denies its his mess. Oh and another thing is she buys him just about whatever he wants and I don't feel that is right. My concerns or complaints are always met with denial and blow backs from her. She won't join any support groups which also concerns me. Before I get to my wits end when does the autism become an excuse?
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Moderation is the right call. His mother is not helping him at the moment, on the contrary. Spoiling and protecting him from the world isn't going to solve anything.
 
It depends on if he has other issues. I had other issues which caused daily chaos. At first, people were all up into that, "Okrad can do better, etc" But then, when I was just crushed, it became apparent not much could be done. But I gave it one he** of a fight. Probably more than 300 therapists and in/out/day treatment all over the country, wasted so much time..................

I tried so hard and at each place, did what they said, even when the therapists were a holes or even some hit on us. Yes, "You need to listen to us" as they are smoking away IN SESSION or coming in drunk.

Wish I had known and had just been left alone.
 
It seems to me your wife has failed to teach him life skills, perhaps using his lack of them combined with his autism to get eternal sympathy.
 
@yaeuhw , I'm a little confused. Your profile says that you are officially diagnosed with autism. If that is the case, why would you accept it as a blanket excuse for misbehavior, when you should have a personal understanding of its limitations?
 
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yaeuhw said:
My wife ha an 19 yr old son with autism. He has been on several different meds and seems to be getting better anger wise but now has become more needy. I am fairly new in his life and have had many rage filled issues with him but I am not his biological father so my say is limited. My wife uses his autism for just about everything. I believe he can be taught to clean his room, which is always a complete dump but he complains and denies its his mess. Oh and another thing is she buys him just about whatever he wants and I don't feel that is right. My concerns or complaints are always met with denial and blow backs from her. She won't join any support groups which also concerns me. Before I get to my wits end when does the autism become an excuse?
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She is living on guilt; seeing that what he is, is her fault and so, letting him get away with everything, to ease her raw emotions.

It is not an excuse; it is more an apology. He has autism, you cannot expect him to do thing, so she is cultivating a spoilt brat.

Possibly the way forward is to both of you research on what autism is and gently reason with her that it is better to encourage him to keep things clean, because one day, she may not be around to pick up the pieces and then, where will her son be, if you, her new man, cannot have a say in discipline.

Yes, he can be taught to clean his room and will feel good about it.

His anger issues, is due to wrapping him up in cotton wool; he NEEDS someone like yourself to teach him dignity.

At the end of it, if she digs her heels in, then you may have to walk away.
 
Suzanne said:
She is living on guilt; seeing that what he is, is her fault and so, letting him get away with everything, to ease her raw emotions.

It is not an excuse; it is more an apology. He has autism, you cannot expect him to do thing, so she is cultivating a spoilt brat.

Possibly the way forward is to both of you research on what autism is and gently reason with her that it is better to encourage him to keep things clean, because one day, she may not be around to pick up the pieces and then, where will her son be, if you, her new man, cannot have a say in discipline.

Yes, he can be taught to clean his room and will feel good about it.

His anger issues, is due to wrapping him up in cotton wool; he NEEDS someone like yourself to teach him dignity.

At the end of it, if she digs her heels in, then you may have to walk away.
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I would say try some of the suggestions above, until mom can't stand to see dad get treated badly. Maybe it will open the door to understanding.
 
yaeuhw said:
My wife ha an 19 yr old son with autism. He has been on several different meds and seems to be getting better anger wise but now has become more needy. I am fairly new in his life and have had many rage filled issues with him but I am not his biological father so my say is limited. My wife uses his autism for just about everything. I believe he can be taught to clean his room, which is always a complete dump but he complains and denies its his mess. Oh and another thing is she buys him just about whatever he wants and I don't feel that is right. My concerns or complaints are always met with denial and blow backs from her. She won't join any support groups which also concerns me. Before I get to my wits end when does the autism become an excuse?
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I wish being alone had been more natural for me and that includes caring for myself starting when you are completely alone and your parent is dead is hard I hope he learns before they die
 
Crossbreed said:
@yaeuhw , I'm a little confused. Your profile says that you are officially diagnosed with autism. If that is the case, why would you accept it as a blanket excuse for misbehavior, when you should have a personal understanding of its limitations?
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I didn't know how to answer that but my step son is the one with autism not me.
 
Ragnahawk said:
I would say try some of the suggestions above, until mom can't stand to see dad get treated badly. Maybe it will open the door to understanding.
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Nope she's made it clear that it's her kids before me. My suggestions mean little because I don't have a child with autism.
 
Suzanne said:
She is living on guilt; seeing that what he is, is her fault and so, letting him get away with everything, to ease her raw emotions.

It is not an excuse; it is more an apology. He has autism, you cannot expect him to do thing, so she is cultivating a spoilt brat.

Possibly the way forward is to both of you research on what autism is and gently reason with her that it is better to encourage him to keep things clean, because one day, she may not be around to pick up the pieces and then, where will her son be, if you, her new man, cannot have a say in discipline.

Yes, he can be taught to clean his room and will feel good about it.

His anger issues, is due to wrapping him up in cotton wool; he NEEDS someone like yourself to teach him dignity.

At the end of it, if she digs her heels in, then you may have to walk away.
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All of that makes sense to me but again my concerns only upset her. A few weeks ago I was walking out the door to retrieve groceries from the car and I brushed him as I passed and he made a huge scene. When I returned a was met with a mouthful from my wife. I did nothing wrong but he can lie just to make things more tense between us. Its not fair!
 
yaeuhw said:
I didn't know how to answer that but my step son is the one with autism not me.
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Since that is the case, how about going to your Profile,
clicking Personal Details and changing your Diagnosis status? :)
 
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