Just listen, hear me.
Just understand. It's not about right or wrong.
When we get this from others we feel safe and connected because we can openly express our emotions without 'restraint' and know that no matter what, they will accept us.
I think the disconnect, for me, is that what you described in the parts I bolded...I don't experience those things. At all. I've never felt understood. I've never felt safe and connected with people (even though I love my husband and he's a great person...long backstory there, though, that is not his fault, but a result of my childhood experiences). I've never felt truly accepted because I've never been able to express my emotions without restraint. I've tried. Honestly I have. But it doesn't come out in an authentic, natural, intuitive, fluid sort of way. It just doesn't. So if I can't express what I really feel, then I can't be accepted, so I can't feel safe and connected, and no one understands me.
If all of those things could happen, then maybe the scenario you describe would be more comforting and fulfilling, and might be something I would be able to give and willing to pursue. But it doesn't work that way for me. I don't know why. I've tried for 4 decades to find that kind of experience with people. And it doesn't happen. Ever. So it's really hard for me to understand that it actually
does happen for NTs.
I thought everyone was faking that experience. Really, I did. I thought you showed someone you cared by
faking connection. I thought that was what everyone did. And then I stopped faking it because I wanted to be more authentic, and I thought people would appreciate my honesty, but people started getting hurt, and I was really confused. I'm still not totally convinced other people
aren't faking it. I just can't quite fathom that this is a real experience for people.
Please understand that this is not judgment against you (or other NTs), at least not from me. There really seems to be a layer of experience you have in relationships that I simply don't get. It's just as foreign to me as, say, synesthesia would be to you. I can't imagine what it feels like to you, but when I watch people enjoying that sense of connection, and I pick up on the clues that show how
much they enjoy it, I feel extremely lonely in that space. Sometimes it's easier to assume they're faking it than to admit how much quality of life I miss out on.
And sometimes it's not denial so much as ignorance. My understanding of NTs' experience is based purely on observation and cognitively connecting clues to try and figure out what you want or what you're feeling. For you, it's intuitive. You don't have to think about it. For me, it's a complex guessing game where I frequently fail.