What does my aspie friend want from me?

[312Sarah]

Hi. I am pretty new here. I see a lot of interesting posts about what NTs want and need, and how aspies can try to meet those needs if they want to. However, I would really like some insight about what my aspie friend might want from me. I saw a long thread about aspies being annoyed to talk to NTs about their special interests, which included comments about NTs looking bored, not caring, and lacking depth. I can see how that might be frustrating when you have extensive knowledge of something and someone else does not, and may not care much about the subject at all.

In my case, my aspie friend seems to enjoy talking to me about his interests. (Or, he wants to talk to someone and I'm one of maybe two people he knows who are willing to listen, so he talks to me for lack of other options). Anyway, he knows I have neither deep knowledge nor particular interest in this subject, but I don't mind hearing about it either. It's really all he wants to talk about, so that subject consumes the vast majority of our communications.

All of this is fine, but my question is--how should I respond? Most of this is over email so I just respond with what I think is validating feedback--asking questions and encouraging his pursuits. Do you think, in your opinion, that he appreciates this or is this all just wasted effort because he doesn't care? I respond the way I would want someone to respond to me. Is there anything else I should be doing? Or does it even matter if I respond? We have some mutual friends and one of them recently said to me "He just wants to talk and he doesn't even care if I don't answer." In general, does that tend to to be true?

I know that everyone is unique and there's no one answer, but if you are on the spectrum and you enjoy talking to NTs (or anyone) about your areas of interest, what kind of feedback, if any, are you looking for? Are you looking/hoping for people to become more actively engaged in the topic? Or do you just want to be heard? Thanks.

 

[MrSpock]

If he's continuing to talk to you and gives no indication of a problem you're probably doing just fine.

It's possible that he talks to you because he likes you and any not obviously negative response from you is positive. If what he talks about is political or religious it's possible that he wants to change how you see things to make the world a better place. If what he's talking about is not about changing things it may be just to have something to make conversation with and yet not feel silly talking about something he doesn't know or care about. It's possible that he feels that the information he's sharing with you is somehow helpful to you and it would be negligent of him to fail to share it.

Personally, if I'm not changing the world (a tiny corner of it maybe) I have little need to 'be heard'. If I continue to talk to someone despite them failing to provide relevant information or acknowledge that the information is useful it's because I like them. I understand that the vast majority of people are uncomfortable being around me if I don't talk much more than is natural for me, if I make the effort to talk a lot (which might not seem so much to you) it's because I like the person or am trying to fit in. I certainly would care whether or not you respond, if I really didn't care about anything as described above I wouldn't go to the effort of talking so much.

 

[the_tortoise]

Do you think, in your opinion, that he appreciates this or is this all just wasted effort because he doesn't care?

If it were me, I would appreciate it.

If I didn't care about other people's responses or engagement I wouldn't bother with the effort of talking to them.

I'm not looking for any specific response.... I am very happy when other people share my enthusiasm/passion/curiosity/interest, but I also appreciate it when they just humor me -- it's a warm fuzzies thing when people want to know about what's in my head and what I think about and what I like, even if they don't care about any of it for its own sake.

There is also a third option where it is maybe wasted effort but not because he doesn't care -- because he doesn't really notice or doesn't have a lot of skill at recognizing when people are bored out of their minds and/or disengaged from the conversation vs intrigued by what he's saying and/or engaged with the conversation.

And a fourth option is that maybe he just struggles to talk about other things....like he just can't figure out what to say and/or adapt himself to the mechanics of conversations that are about other things; But maybe he really wants to talk to someone just to connect and interact with them.....so having someone sit there and sort-of-maybe listen but not respond at all while he talks at them about his interests is better than not having anyone there at all or better than being silent.

There could be many more options.....

 

[onlything]

In my case, positive feedback and a soft encouragement are the trick. If I clearly see or even suspect that someone is not interesting in hearing me talking about my interests, I simply shut down. Feedback is valued, questions make me content. It's like being validated and I appreciate the effort. It makes me fuzzy inside when I see that someone is simply interested in hearing me out just because that's me. It can be even better when they are not really interested in my interest because then I see that they value and like me enough as a person to try to understand what I see in it. It's heartwarming.

Of course, it can be different for him. We are different people but he's also a male and from what I see the symptoms and behaviours are rather different for us.

 

[Rasendra]

All of this is fine, but my question is--how should I respond? Most of this is over email so I just respond with what I think is validating feedback--asking questions and encouraging his pursuits. Do you think, in your opinion, that he appreciates this or is this all just wasted effort because he doesn't care? I respond the way I would want someone to respond to me. Is there anything else I should be doing? Or does it even matter if I respond? We have some mutual friends and one of them recently said to me "He just wants to talk and he doesn't even care if I don't answer." In general, does that tend to to be true?

I would like to add that when I don't get much response, or short responses it becomes an indicator that people are bored or uninterested. So if you don't mind listening then some response would be better than none.

 

[312Sarah]

Thanks, everyone. This is super helpful and reassuring. It was also my inclination to think that if he didn't want or desire some response, why would he bother talking to me, but sometimes I have trouble understanding his motives or intentions. I also think he is somewhat lonely, so maybe he was just emailing me out of pure boredom. I feel better about the situation to know that some of you would consider this kind of communication to still be worthwhile and positive. I will continue to respond positively.

This is someone I care about very much so I don't mind showing interest and responding, but sometimes he does not respond or doesn't respond the way I anticipate, so I get confused. For example, he will write me a long email with lots of description and details about his interests, and I respond with questions and enthusiasm, and then he doesn't respond. But in learning more from this website, I think maybe he gets overwhelmed by lots of questions or emails that address multiple subjects. Like it's okay for him to write long emails, but he's not good at reading them on the receiving end. For example, when I write back, he will often respond to me in multiple emails that are categorized by subject matter, with each message addressing a single topic (soccer, basketball, etc). He will also always start a new email instead of continuing the email chain, like he can't stand to have the prior text piling up on itself (OCD!!) So maybe that has something to do with it? I think I will start limiting my questions to one or two per message so as not to overwhelm him, and maybe even start labeling and categorizing my emails like he does so they are easier to read. Does anyone else struggle with similar things? If you do, I would welcome any other suggestions. Thanks again.

 

[MrSpock]

I wouldn't say that I struggle with those things, but if you sent an email that contained many deep questions I might be a while before responding. I would want to feel comfortable that I'd answered your questions well before I sent a reply. Sometimes I will categorize things like that, and in such a case I would likely enjoy it if my correspondent were to categorize them similarly.

I wonder if his emails are displayed differently when they're started fresh as opposed to continuing a chain, if some of the beginning email is displayed but the rest of the chain is hidden I might start fresh chains for ease of reference when looking at previous emails. I'm a bit OCD myself and I gather that this is a fairly common thing to have in conjunction with autism.

 

[312Sarah]

If it were me, I would appreciate it.

And a fourth option is that maybe he just struggles to talk about other things....like he just can't figure out what to say and/or adapt himself to the mechanics of conversations that are about other things; But maybe he really wants to talk to someone just to connect and interact with them.....so having someone sit there and sort-of-maybe listen but not respond at all while he talks at them about his interests is better than not having anyone there at all or better than being silent.

I think some of this is definitely going on. I saw him recently and we had a meal with a person he knows but that I was meeting for the first time. I made typical pleasant small talk with that person for quite a while and my friend didn't say anything at all. I know this is a common scenario but it was clear to me that if the conversation isn't about my friend's interests or something at least related to him, or maybe if the conversation isn't directed by him (?) he really doesn't know how to participate. Or maybe if he's not controlling the conversation he can't really follow it?

He rarely asks me about my life or interests, but sometimes he does, and while his questions are sometimes a little odd and possibly only perfunctory, I have come to accept that small gesture as a huge effort coming from him.

 

[Rasendra]

This is someone I care about very much so I don't mind showing interest and responding, but sometimes he does not respond or doesn't respond the way I anticipate, so I get confused. For example, he will write me a long email with lots of description and details about his interests, and I respond with questions and enthusiasm, and then he doesn't respond. But in learning more from this website, I think maybe he gets overwhelmed by lots of questions or emails that address multiple subjects. Like it's okay for him to write long emails, but he's not good at reading them on the receiving end. For example, when I write back, he will often respond to me in multiple emails that are categorized by subject matter, with each message addressing a single topic (soccer, basketball, etc). He will also always start a new email instead of continuing the email chain, like he can't stand to have the prior text piling up on itself (OCD!!) So maybe that has something to do with it? I think I will start limiting my questions to one or two per message so as not to overwhelm him, and maybe even start labeling and categorizing my emails like he does so they are easier to read. Does anyone else struggle with similar things? If you do, I would welcome any other suggestions. Thanks again.

I have had that happen actually. Getting overwhelmed by so many questions and trying to figure out where to start that sometimes it would take a while to respond to an email. If I initiate something long that is one thing but if someone asks sometimes I struggle with the response.

 

[MrSpock]

I saw him recently and we had a meal with a person he knows but that I was meeting for the first time. I made typical pleasant small talk with that person for quite a while and my friend didn't say anything at all. I know this is a common scenario but it was clear to me that if the conversation isn't about my friend's interests or something at least related to him, or maybe if the conversation isn't directed by him (?) he really doesn't know how to participate. Or maybe if he's not controlling the conversation he can't really follow it?

Small talk can be about many things, often it's about things that I know nothing about, for example baseball. I like someone who plays baseball, and sometimes she talks about it with others in front of me. I cannot contribute to that conversation in the least meaningful way, so I shut up and respect the fact that they've chosen to discuss something that is beyond me. The way I see it it would be rude to try to change the conversation or to interrupt it to make only the most obvious or possibly erroneous or inappropriate comments.

 

[OkRad]

Each Aspie has their own personality. It would be hard to figure him out w o knowing him. You seem nice, though and I hope he appreciates you

 

[the_tortoise]

I think some of this is definitely going on. I saw him recently and we had a meal with a person he knows but that I was meeting for the first time. I made typical pleasant small talk with that person for quite a while and my friend didn't say anything at all. I know this is a common scenario but it was clear to me that if the conversation isn't about my friend's interests or something at least related to him, or maybe if the conversation isn't directed by him (?) he really doesn't know how to participate. Or maybe if he's not controlling the conversation he can't really follow it?

Could be.

I have never tried to direct/control a conversation (unless I don't understand what you mean), so I don't know how that might work. It is hard enough just to follow them, and I have trouble imagining what others might say in response to me. If I try to anticipate/plan for a response and then in reality it's something totally different, my whole script falls apart and I have nothing -- I'll either fall silent or I'll start saying whatever sounds like it fits with the other person's words....

Another possibility in the context of conversations with more than one person is that he might be unable to follow when more than one person is talking, or just have more difficulty with it than he does one-to-one. It could be that he gets totally lost, or that he does follow along but can't do so quickly enough to participate ... and/or that putting his own responses into words goes too slowly for him to participate.

He rarely asks me about my life or interests, but sometimes he does, and while his questions are sometimes a little odd and possibly only perfunctory, I have come to accept that small gesture as a huge effort coming from him.

It's possible he is interested in knowing more about you than is apparent but isn't great with asking questions or just expects you will tell him anything you want him to know about you.

Or maybe he doesn't know what is safe to ask without being intrusive or socially inappropriate.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there

As everyone is saying: you are doing the right thing, because he is still talking. If you have that ability to let someone talk, even though it does not interest you, that is a pretty unique and beautiful ability to process.

I love an interchange of ideas; as long as what is being said to me is based on logic and common sense; otherwise, I feel myself getting angry.

Sadly, NT's do tend to demean aspies; treat us as though we are limited in intelligence. And when we show we are not stupid, they do not like it and we get accused of being narcisstic.

 

[xudo]

"He just wants to talk and he doesn't even care if I don't answer." In general, does that tend to to be true?

For me personally, this can be true. If a special interest comes up in conversation then I want to be sure that they are well informed about it, as I know so much about the topic. With some people I'm happy to engage more about it and with others I don't really care about their input.