What do you wish your parents had done differently?

[Outdated]

Took me 8 years of marriage before I was "ready" to have children.

It never really goes away, does it? Mum wasn't allowed to "baby" us, I only ever got hugged once in my life. I was really sick and I woke up in Mum's lap. She was crying, and when she noticed I was awake she said "You've lost too much weight, I'm scared.". And in the background my father was yelling "You're not taking him to a bloody hospital.".

I was 7 years old. That's the only time in my life my mother hugged me, I snuggled in to her and went back to sleep.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

We as a family think my dad may have had PTSD living through the war did not help effected him in many ways
I have a lot of his personality when ever we changed homes all the bright people in the town migrated to him town lawyer, doctor owners of large farms. He knew all his kids were not typical or his siblings. I am happy with who I am.
My parents liked to move drove use nuts looking back worked out OK. Skilled tradesman to farmer to hardware store owner.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

It is not always their fault in terms of my dad had a very domineering and controlling mother who I believe died of a broken heart.
And his father worked so hard all the time in different jobs yet they were still very poor and my granddad commit suicide and they 9 kids.
They had some upsides, they let me be me without any authoritative approach and still provided food best they could, fun and spent time having fun with us without teaching me or my brother to be greedy or indulged because they provided simple joys and we never grew up greedy or very demanding.
My mum provided a lot of junk food and did not help a lot with healthy and appealing for options but in my 20s she took me to dietitian appointments after the doctor recommended it and I did a food journal like they said.
But they did not always provide a lot of emotional feedback and affection or physical affection and time.
And..I am not like them in the sense I am way more affectionate and loving and caring so I need more.
They made mistakes but they never told me what to be or wear or act like some parents might.
They did their best, in my 20s my mum took me to a lot of doctors appointments where I had discussions about the way I was feeling.
Both to two Irish doctors actually, the woman was a lot better before she left.

 

[SusanLR]

Autism wasn't talked about when I was a kid.
My parents knew I was different in not caring to have friends and very defiant in being told how to believe or dress, etc.
I had a mind of my own and they respected that.
They didn't try to tell me how to live or to leave home by a certain age.
I always felt loved, comfortable and never lonely.

Being diagnosed late in life, they were both deceased before they even knew.
I've learned home is not a building, it is a feeling.
They had little money, but I was always happy.
Now I live in a large house that does not feel like home because there is no one
I feel trust in or truly loved by.

So, I would say be worthy of their trust and show them they are loved.
If they struggle, help them as best you can.

 

[Cryptid]

What do you wish your parents would have done differently?

Abstained from smoking and drinking.

Been more attentive to the concerns and insecurities of my sisters and I.

Gone to church more regularly.

Stuck up for me when the bullies and teachers (sometimes they were the same people) were plainly wrong.

Shipped my brothers off to reform school and/or military academy before it became too late.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Talk about things, ask me how I'm doing/feeling. Talk to me when something seemed to be wrong. Showing more support/interest when I did things or wanted to do things they found weird or which they just wouldn't like to do. Being less judgmental. Being more attentive to when I was overwhelmed or overstimulated, instead of just calling me oversensitive and going on. Giving me the space to talk about difficulties without judging or giving "good" advice that just didn't work for me. Leaving me freedom to choose my future. Making me feel like I could do things, instead of telling me that I can't do them/they're too dangerous/I'm too childish for that. Not drink alcohol (or not so much, at least).

Those are just things, since you asked. But I'm sure they did their best at the time, and I'm sure so will you. Doing your best is all anyone can ask.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It never really goes away, does it? Mum wasn't allowed to "baby" us, I only ever got hugged once in my life. I was really sick and I woke up in Mum's lap. She was crying, and when she noticed I was awake she said "You've lost too much weight, I'm scared.". And in the background my father was yelling "You're not taking him to a bloody hospital.".

I was 7 years old. That's the only time in my life my mother hugged me, I snuggled in to her and went back to sleep.

A different generation wasn't it? The first time I ever so much as shook my father's hand was at my wedding. That was the first time I received a hug from my mother, as well. Before that, our parents never touched us, quite literally unless they were punishing us.

The doctor thing, too, the mind set was that you went to the doctor when you were dead and needed a toe tag for the morgue. So, you can imagine the betrayal of my parents when I went into neonatal medicine, my wife a nurse, a sister a pharmacist, and another son, a chemical engineer working for a pharmaceutical company. Good Lord, the conversations because my parents never, ever saw us as adults, but rather ignorant little children who dared not speak to them as if they were wrong about anything.

 

[Outdated]

A different generation wasn't it?

Still, we grew up strong and self sufficient. People that others can rely and depend on.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

Oh a number of things but I'll keep it to a short list rather than go into full detail, and this isn't in any specific order. This is mostly on my father though as my mother was the more chill one.
1. Tried to better understand my Asperger's/Autism instead of just working with what he already knew about it which was outdated, or just plain ol stereotypes.
2. Looked into getting me help during middle/high school instead of just pinning all the blame for my struggles on me, ala "You're just being lazy! You need to study more/harder!"
3. Not given me such high expectations for school in the first place and been more okay with grades lower than A or B, mostly the former though.
4. Not gone so hard on telling me that I'll be judged and that I need to be mindful of x, y, z or else I'll be judged and "You don't want that do you?", I have a deep seated fear of judgment because of that.
5. As an addendum of sorts to 3. not forced certain things on me, like starting me off in middle school as an honors student when I said I didn't want that, and also choosing my band instrument for me (Alto Sax, I wanted the Mini Tuba but "That's too dorky!"), as a couple of examples.
6. Maybe not told me the circumstances of my adoption, or at the very least not told me until I was old enough to properly understand and process it. Long story short I was told that I was adopted because my adoptive parent's triplets didn't make it to term, which expedited their decision to adopt me/allowed them as now there was "an opening".
If they hadn't told me this at too young an age my anxiety probably wouldn't have gone through the roof when my little brother was born, because essentially I was worried I wouldn't be wanted anymore and can you blame young me when I was told that?

 

[Xinyta]

6. Maybe not told me the circumstances of my adoption, or at the very least not told me until I was old enough to properly understand and process it. Long story short I was told that I was adopted because my adoptive parent's triplets didn't make it to term, which expedited their decision to adopt me/allowed them as now there was "an opening".
If they hadn't told me this at too young an age my anxiety probably wouldn't have gone through the roof when my little brother was born, because essentially I was worried I wouldn't be wanted anymore and can you blame young me when I was told that?

I feel this one. Holy flipping birds, do I feel this. The circumstances are a bit different, as I only got a new 'mother'. But I digress.

I felt similarly about my half-siblings being born. That I wouldn't being given attention and lost my chance to be really loved. But because they did get all of the attention and I rarely got much, I think there was some jealousy there in me too.

But no. I cannot blame you, or anyone, for thinking that way, when you are told that you're adopted.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

I feel this one. Holy flipping birds, do I feel this. The circumstances are a bit different, as I only got a new 'mother'. But I digress.

I felt similarly about my half-siblings being born. That I wouldn't being given attention and lost my chance to be really loved. But because they did get all of the attention and I rarely got much, I think there was some jealousy there in me too.

But no. I cannot blame you, or anyone, for thinking that way, when you are told that you're adopted.

Thanks.
Though for further context, since I didn't give much in my previous post, I was aware of the adoption throughout the entire process as it happened when I was 4 so being told I was adopted wasn't the problem in my instance.

The problem was being told that I was essentially only adopted because my adoptive parents lost their triplets via a miscarriage.
Or well what I was told was "We were considering adopting you but since your mother (adoptive) was pregnant with triplets we weren't sure if we could but after she miscarried we had no barrier to not adopt you into our family so we did"
So naturally when they finally did get a child naturally it made me feel like they didn't need me anymore since now they finally had a natural born child.

Oh and I didn't mention it initially because I didn't wanna cause any upset but long story short there was also a religious reason behind my adoption too, which I was also told about.
If people don't mind too much I could go into further detail, I just know religion is one of those sensitive subjects. Though I suppose it might be able to be guessed based on context.

 

[Xinyta]

The problem was being told that I was essentially only adopted because my adoptive parents lost their triplets via a miscarriage.
Or well what I was told was "We were considering adopting you but since your mother (adoptive) was pregnant with triplets we weren't sure if we could but after she miscarried we had no barrier to not adopt you into our family so we did"
So naturally when they finally did get a child naturally it made me feel like they didn't need me anymore since now they finally had a natural born child.

I can completely see why you would see it that way. It would be hard to see it any other way, with the context your adoptive parents gave you. Truthfully. I would have the same thought process, under the circumstances. I probably would be worse off mentally on top of that, with that kinda knowledge.

 

[Judge]

Regarding my autism, my parents weren't the problem so much as the time I grew up in. Too early to be properly diagnosed as a child, and too late to be properly diagnosed as a senior citizen.

My parents knew I was "different", but couldn't get beyond that. But then neither could medical professionals who examined me as a child.

 

[honeytoast]

Give me a hug.

 

[AprilR]

I think my parents did their best with the limited circumstances they live in.

My father being an undiagnosed aspie with lifelong trauma, my mother not having any knowledge about autism, the lack of knowledge and resources in my country.. Nothing had the chance to be good in the first place. It is a miracle i survived to my age lol.

 

[Shevek]

I didn't find out about AS until I was 57, but I still think it is relevant that my parents never listened to me, they were only concerned with being considered good parents without spending much time on it.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Not have me, maybe? That’s how I feel sometimes.

 

[Seladon]

I wish they would have encouraged me to talk about my feelings. Different generation I guess ..

Oh I didn't know I was autistic although my parents and school had suspicions but didn't tell me

All of this and a bag of chips.

My mum is a lot better about talking to me and trying to understand my emotional landscape & quirks in my adulthood—she even was a big help & support in getting my assessment done—but it took her til after I crawled all the way through education then burned out to sit up and take notice, so it’s too little too late, really. I think she spent many years hoping it was just a phase, or hormones, or the weird domestic/scholastic environment I was in that caused me to not fit in—which reminds me of another point I think could have been done differently for me: a special school or home schooling (bullying set me back many years). Also, less helicoptering and trying to muscle in on or schedule all my extra curricular social activities. The kids at school loved my mom and hated me, it was ridiculous.

My father is still an avoidant, dismissive, critical, empathy deficient, bullying, bootstrapping piece of work to me like he’s been since I started puberty, though with age and my mother’s chiding he’s backed off a bit and given me space/a wide berth (probably expecting/hoping I’ll change his nappies when he’s old and drooling, and not put him a home). The driving instructor I had as a teen was more of a father to me.

The saddest part is it’s likely my bio dad on the spectrum as well, but as he doesn’t believe in modern medicine nor neurological differences he’s never going to do anything to address it. Oh, well.

Anyway, that’s the negative and having a good moan. On the positive side, I can say that now I’m a grown up they just leave me to it and don’t interfere much—learned it doesn’t get them anywhere, I suppose

 

[Aspychata]

That was real easy to answer. Not had me. I use to wonder if my family was a mistake, like l was placed with the wrong family. I also use to daydream there was a big parent store, AND l could trade them in. That probably got me thru my early childhood. But nothing helped with the second half.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

If you had asked me a year ago I would have said not moved as much My dad dream was to work for himself so he quit his job bought a farm, talking to my younger brother a decade younger than me I realized their was more to the story than I knew.