Beanfinity
Member
I just turned thirty last year. I've had a lot of struggles during these past two years, not limited just to COVID stress, but also unemployment, loss of a loved one, and loss of a sense of self, to name a few. My ability to keep up with life around me (what I've now found out is 'masking') has been pathetically low.
A month ago I watched Free Solo, a documentary on a world-famous climber, Alex Honnold, who topped El Capitan, the peak of accomplishment for any climber (pun intended), without any ropes or safety equipment. I related to him a lot, in his desire for solitude, and the documentary hinted at the possibility of an autism diagnosis for Alex. My boyfriend pointed out how much like him I am. As a climber myself, I wasn't offended, but rather felt flattered. Alex is an inspiration to me.
Two weeks ago, I found a meme I greatly related to. I can't remember what it was about, but it was hashtagged #autismspectrum and #neurodiversity. I thought, 'I don't know too much about this, I wonder why I relate to these things so much. Let me look into it.' And down the rabbit hole I went. For the next two weeks I took every assessment test I could find (scoring at least half or more for points), read every article on autism I came across (especially ones about women), meandered through reddit threads, ordered two books on autism (one of which I've already read), and am now (im)patiently waiting for my stim toys to come in the mail, to test out and see if they will help. Probably about 90% of what I researched gave me an 'aha!' moment. I related to so much. I reflected on my childhood, my struggles going into adulthood expecting that they would 'eventually be resolved, I just need to put more effort in' and constantly frustrated on the why, and how come, they persist. Everything started to fit together like a fast-forwarded time-lapse of a puzzle being completed, pieces flying in from every direction. I feel like I'm acting very quickly on this, but when you know you just know.
I brought this up to my boyfriend, before my book orders came in. I was scared to bring it up, afraid he would deny it, maybe claim that I 'act so normal' or think I am using it as an excuse to be a social recluse. But the opposite happened, and he had the same 'aha!' moments as I did as I explained myself. He encouraged me to seek a diagnosis if I felt I needed one, and he hoped the realization didn't make me feel worse, but actually gave me some peace of mind, which it does.
So, now I am here. I hope I can find some more 'aha!' moments here, and sus out all the things that make me uniquely me so I can finally just be ok with them, and find effective ways to cope other than masking (I'm tired). It is nice to finally have something of an answer. What a relief!
A month ago I watched Free Solo, a documentary on a world-famous climber, Alex Honnold, who topped El Capitan, the peak of accomplishment for any climber (pun intended), without any ropes or safety equipment. I related to him a lot, in his desire for solitude, and the documentary hinted at the possibility of an autism diagnosis for Alex. My boyfriend pointed out how much like him I am. As a climber myself, I wasn't offended, but rather felt flattered. Alex is an inspiration to me.
Two weeks ago, I found a meme I greatly related to. I can't remember what it was about, but it was hashtagged #autismspectrum and #neurodiversity. I thought, 'I don't know too much about this, I wonder why I relate to these things so much. Let me look into it.' And down the rabbit hole I went. For the next two weeks I took every assessment test I could find (scoring at least half or more for points), read every article on autism I came across (especially ones about women), meandered through reddit threads, ordered two books on autism (one of which I've already read), and am now (im)patiently waiting for my stim toys to come in the mail, to test out and see if they will help. Probably about 90% of what I researched gave me an 'aha!' moment. I related to so much. I reflected on my childhood, my struggles going into adulthood expecting that they would 'eventually be resolved, I just need to put more effort in' and constantly frustrated on the why, and how come, they persist. Everything started to fit together like a fast-forwarded time-lapse of a puzzle being completed, pieces flying in from every direction. I feel like I'm acting very quickly on this, but when you know you just know.
I brought this up to my boyfriend, before my book orders came in. I was scared to bring it up, afraid he would deny it, maybe claim that I 'act so normal' or think I am using it as an excuse to be a social recluse. But the opposite happened, and he had the same 'aha!' moments as I did as I explained myself. He encouraged me to seek a diagnosis if I felt I needed one, and he hoped the realization didn't make me feel worse, but actually gave me some peace of mind, which it does.
So, now I am here. I hope I can find some more 'aha!' moments here, and sus out all the things that make me uniquely me so I can finally just be ok with them, and find effective ways to cope other than masking (I'm tired). It is nice to finally have something of an answer. What a relief!
