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Was this rejection it seems like it?

Tony Ramirez

Single guy treated badly with Asperger's Syndrome
I went to Church this Sunday and after we were making sandwiches. I went up to two woman who were talking and I tried to introduce myself after asking on of them to repeat what they said. One of them did then they both left together. If that's not rejection then I don't know what is.
 

Stuttermabolur

A psychologist said so
V.I.P Member
They probably didn't want someone intruding on their conversation. I have done the same more than once and gotten a "nothing" as a response the same number of time. I did actually find it hurtful, even though I knew it shouldn't be. I do think it's a rejection, but I don't see it as a personal one, and they were well within their right to carry their conversation on between the two of them.
 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy treated badly with Asperger's Syndrome
Then how the heck are you supposed to go up to a woman you don't know if you get rude responses like that? As they rarely cone up to you unless they are a couple.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Not enough about the particulars of the interaction. Did you introduce yourself first? What you did is an introduction and this is not a rejection if they were busy or otherwise engaged. You wanted a direct answer and you got it. Now that you are a known quantity it is up to you to greet them in a friendly manner when you next see them. Treat this as a rejection and you will not progress in advocating for yourself.
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I went to Church this Sunday and after we were making sandwiches. I went up to two woman who were talking and I tried to introduce myself after asking on of them to repeat what they said. One of them did then they both left together. If that's not rejection then I don't know what is.
When you seek the company of others in such an environment, note visually how many of them are already in groups or sticking to pairs. Most of them? All of them? Where you're the "odd man out" and they all know it. Yet they wouldn't dream of telling you to your face.

Social venues which harbor cliques of all kinds. No matter what the basic intent and purpose of a social institution may appear to be, and whether it involves two people or considerably more. Church is no exception, every bit as a social club or even a college fraternity. And they don't make it easy. Groups within groups, which may have a very low tolerance for much of anyone outside any clique. That would be you. Or me...or any one of us who has difficulty socializing. So take a long look at this link. It's just one of many.

There's lot of articles about how even church can be toxic for much of anyone perceived as an "outsider". No matter how long you may have been a member. Socially speaking, in church you are likely trying to win at a loaded game of dice and you don't know it. -YET.

Read the article, and then seriously ponder picking a less toxic social venue to establish even the most benign relationships with others.

 

Tony Ramirez

Single guy treated badly with Asperger's Syndrome
See I was right all along that the woman go into cliques and only couples or guys you can approach or most if the time they approach you.

@Gerald Wilgus you are old no offense maybe in the 50s 60s it was different in your generation but everything today not just school but work and even so called social places like park events and churches is all about cliques and being left out.
 
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Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
The trick is trying to determine the best you can those venues where cliques are less likely to exist. Perhaps where everyone is new and unknown. Where most if not all persons are in the same predicament when it comes to meeting new people. But places like social clubs and church, or "Cheers" odds are you're just walking into a social land mine encountering one clique after another. Those you should avoid. Where the prejudice of cliques can run deep.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
See I was right all along that the woman go into cliques and only couples or guys you can approach or most if the time they approach you.

@Gerald Wilgus you are old no offense maybe in the 50s 60s it was different in your generation but everything today not just school but work and even so called social places like park events and churches is all about cliques and being left out.
See Judge's response. You have got to find a mileau where, while social, there is an overriding something that people are there for. I got involved in the local bike club, and what I liked about the people is their acceptance. We are social, but it seems more cooperative about having a good, enjoyable activity. Most people are -20,+10 years around my age, and now I'm a known quantity. People, including couples and single women greet me and seem pleased to see me, as I, them. and having such a group gives me a network. I am confident that should I be bereft of my spouse, i will not lack for companionship. Maybe you also need to figure out how to recognize the shy women who may be waiting for a more quirky and accepting man to take an interest in them. You need to practice acceptance big time before you can interest somebody like that. your judgemental ways are strike one.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Nevertheless if Tony continued to pleasantly greet those women when he encounters them, that sends a message of friendly confidence. I still think getting to know people in an ongoing interest class or group would be easier though. What you did, Tony, takes a lot of nerve, super well done, but you do have to roll with the punches with this method. It's like cold calling, I am capable of that, but slowly getting to know someone, listening to them and conversing in a neutral environment, that works better for me.

You need outliers too, in my experience, generally, a person who is also alone, maybe they're unusual, new, anxious, quiet, but for whatever reason, approachable by someone underconfident. I would likely get same response you did in same situation, I think it's less likely to happen if the person does actually appreciate your interest or help when they too are struggling a bit. Try a class or regular interest group, church is a possibility, but you'd have to be up for taking it all with a pinch of salt.
 
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Tony Ramirez

Single guy treated badly with Asperger's Syndrome
Also all social places are cliques so there really is no place to go this day and age avoiding it.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
All social places are likely to be hard for many of us, they don't work for me. I am not social really. This is why a place focussed on an interest, a class, volunteering, or similar can work though, because the focus isn't social, it is the interest, or the volunteering, or the subject of study.
 

GypsyMoth

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Oh, my, this needs a woman's perspective... @Tony Ramirez, I just couldn't log out without weighing in first.

So, let's review the facts:
1.) you're at church, perhaps a luncheon (due to the sandwiches);
2.) after the luncheon, you approach two women who are talking (kudos, by the way--very brave of you)
3.) you introduced yourself after asking one of them what they were talking about
4.) the one tells you what they were talking about
5.) then they left
6.) and you take that as rejection

The easy answer is, maybe it is & maybe it isn't. I'm just going to toss a whole lot of crazy ideas out there, so let's see what else we find.

Regarding premise 1,
...luncheons always draw in people from outside of the church. How do you know they weren't just crashing the luncheon? [guilt; therefore not rejection].

...What if they had been invited but weren't really interested in meeting any new people? [shyness; not rejection]

...What if they are church members but needed elsewhere? [busy; not rejection]

2. What if...
...it was a private conversation? [Rejection; Change topic next time to something that establishes common ground]
...they're visitors & not used to having their conversation walked in on? [Rejection; establish common ground]

(Personally, just about any public spaces conversation at church is open to people coming and going so I think there has to be a better reason than these.)

3. What if...
...Good job introducing yourself! Just be sure and do that before asking them what they're talking about. [Change order of introduction]

...you take pressure off of women to involve you in their prior conversation by starting a new conversation that includes you: "these were great sandwiches. Do you know what deli catered them?" <-- that, seriously, is not something a guy would think of. [You changed the topic to a common ground topic]

...you stand back about thirty seconds in order to catch a line or two so you can open a little less directly: "I couldn't help notice you were talking about ____. I had a cousin who was into that!" [You charmingly include yourself in the conversation without introduction but also without asking. Shows confidence and self-assurance.]

4. What if...
...how were your listening skills? Were you an active listener, or a passive listener? Passive listeners just nod; active listeners ask questions about or reflect back what they've just heard or reflect . "That must have been difficult for you..." [I get it; guys just don't talk like this. This is why I felt compelled to help you out!]

...she told you what they were talking about. Awesome! Then what happened? How did you reply? [Keep it light & keep it positive.]

...women love talking about themselves. If you're not sure how to respond, just relate it back to the woman and ask her how she would have handled that situation. Let me tell you, she'll take the next forty-five minutes telling you, too. [I.e., be prepared to listen, even at the risk of boredom.]

5. What if...
...they were just rude... [not rejection]

...they were keeping to a schedule and were late for somewhere... [not rejection]

...they were in their little world and didn't read the cues that said you were interested in talking with them [not rejection]...

...they read the cues that you were interested in talking with them but were not interested in talking with you [rejection]...


What I hope you get from all this is that there are a myriad of alternatives that do not all lead to their rejecting you. They're busy, it was private, they're snobs. I mean, it all goes as possibilities. Actually, very few possibilities do lead to rejection. And you know what? Rejection is okay. if you want people to accept you for who you are, you have to accept them for being them, too. And if that's just the kind of person she is, then walk away & don't worry about it.

Kudos to you for walking up to them and saying hi! Just consider it a little bit of practice for the next luncheon.
 

GypsyMoth

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Oh, she could have been married, too. I snubbed a guy once super bad on that account. Felt really bad about it, too, but it was a genuine case of cat-got-your-tongue and I was married. But it was all for the good. I heard his friend mention on their way out that he was married, too. Any conversation we could have had was not a conversation I would have liked to have been in.
 

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I went to Church this Sunday and after we were making sandwiches. I went up to two woman who were talking and I tried to introduce myself after asking on of them to repeat what they said. One of them did then they both left together. If that's not rejection then I don't know what is.
At least one of them actually told you and didn’t say anything horrible back. That would have been rude. So because they actually didn’t ignore you, i don’t see how that’s a rejection. As for leaving together, it is a bit confusing but if they fully left the place or went somewhere else to have a private conversation that is not a rejection.
They probably didn't want someone intruding on their conversation. I have done the same more than once and gotten a "nothing" as a response the same number of time. I did actually find it hurtful, even though I knew it shouldn't be. I do think it's a rejection, but I don't see it as a personal one, and they were well within their right to carry their conversation on between the two of them.
I have done the same. I’ve also been the one to stand awkwardly near in the hopes that I will be include. Whilst the response has been negative and actually rude and hurtful, it’s understandable.
@Gerald Wilgus you are old no offense maybe in the 50s 60s it was different in your generation but everything today not just school but work and even so called social places like park events and churches is all about cliques and being left out.
And you don’t think that Gerald or other older members never experienced cliques and being left out? Human nature doesn’t change that much.
 

Progster

Grown sideways to the sun
V.I.P Member
@Tony Ramirez What are you hoping to get out of this thread? Are you looking for advice not to be rejected, for validation of your experience, or just wanting to rant?
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
@Tony Ramirez

I strongly recommend that you don't try to actively search for a romantic partner yet.

You should spend at least a couple of months casually interacting with other people just to get used to it. Treat everyone equally. Make no distinctions based on age, gender, whether in a life partnership or not.

Do not target potential romantic partners in your preferred demographic.

What you should be working on is having things to say to people. This isn't as easy as it sounds, but it's not so hard either. The right things to say depend on context. Two (of many possible) examples for you:
* Interacting with staff when you do shopping. Note that it's not polite to try to start a relationship in that case, but you can be more or less pleasant in how you interact. Wok on being more pleasant without being socially intrusive.
* At church. Things related to the church, and your participation in church activities are obvious possibilities. If you know someone is interested in a particular sport or hobby they might be possible. Sport is boring IMO, but it's a good topic because there are many ongoing small changes that you can talk about: latest score, changes in team members, weather conditions related to a given sport etc.

Remember:
Do not "target" women. If someone comes to you, or opens a conversation, of course you should exchange a few words. If not, leave them alone. This includes things not not talking only to the wife if a couple approach you for a chat (this isn't equal treatment of course, but it's also very annoying for both members of a couple).

BTW someone may have said this already, but it seems likely you drove the two women in your first post away.

Either way, it's clear you need to practice your social skills. Approaching strangers is nowhere near the beginning of the list of things to work on.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
In case you missed it on your other thread.
"One of the most important preconditions of a good relationship is a satisfactory perspective on being single. The more we are happy to be on our own, the more we will be able to exercise the correct degree of caution around finding a new companion. The bedrock of true love is happy singledom.

Yet our societies do very little to help us to be calm or at ease in our own company. Singledom is framed as an involuntary, depressing and always hopefully temporary state. The notion that someone might want or need to be on their own, perhaps for a long while, terrifies a world shaped by legions of silently miserable couples who need confirmation that they have not chosen the wrong path."


I fail to see that you are happy with yourself. You have a ways to go before you are seen as a happy confident person who is interesting that is ready for a relationship. When I was desperately lonely I certainly was not ready. Only after working on myself, enjoying who I am that I became capable of connection for relationships.
 

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