Was it me or was it not me or was it both?!

[Suzanne]

Confusing? Sorry if it is, but just not sure how to open the thread and this is the best way to describe.

So, a few week's ago, I get whispered: we are having a little get together and this time, I thought it would be lovely if everyone brought their own food, but for every one to share; rather than each bringing a picnic for themselves. I groaned in side, but was encouraged that it would be a great evening.

I reasoned that I know everyone so it can't be that bad, but as the date was getting nearer, I could feel myself shrinking back and just wanting to get out of it, but at the same time, a weird excitement.

Ok, so I have a tendency to think of the worst case, so that I can prepare myself mentally.

It was WORSE than I imaged. We were late on arriving and everyone was sitting around the table chatting away and NOT ONE PERSON SAID HELLO. Even the "hostess" the owner of the house did not welcome us and yet, she knows how hard I find this kind of thing! I was at a complete loss, because the table was full of food and so, had to make room for my bits and no where to put dessert.

I wanted to just run fast and never stop running! Ok, I felt humiliated.

I managed to find a seat and thankfully, two lovely ladies started to chat with me. I ate absolutely nothing, because I had to fight the tears back and my anxiety was so high, that I felt sick.

To be honest, it hurt that people know me for not being great in huge gatherings and yet ignored me.

I did get some acknowledgment of: are you ok etc etc, but I felt that they were doing it out of politeness and these are ones who usually I get on really well with. I wonder: do I give off such a horrible aura that it makes me abhorrent to be around? Are people enjoying themselves so much that they can't be bothered with a deeply shy one?

My husband says: be sad but don't pass blame?

I thought that if you are invited somewhere, you are supposed to be made to feel welcome?

I shall never go to such a huge function again!

I can cope with 6 of us but anymore, and I seem to freak out!

 

[Ste11aeres]

If no one said hello, not even the hostess, they were being a bit rude. Especially the hostess.
It is also true that us Aspies who are shy and introverted give some sort of impression that makes people unwilling to talk to us. Perhaps they feel that we don't want anyone to talk to us, and they are trying to be kind. But the hostess definitely should have at least greeted you.

Did you know most of the people there? I enjoyed exactly one party in recent years. It consisted of the people I'd been taking a college class with. It was the end of the semester, and, due to the type of class it had been, we'd gotten to know each other very well. But all the other parties I've gone to in recent years have been miserable. Because they have been filled with people who did not already have established friendships with me. And they were not interested in talking to me.

 

[RidingDutchman]

To be honest, I think most people don't get exactly why or how hard these things are for you. Perhaps they reasoned that, because you think big groups are scary, that you want to be left a bit to your own so you won't feel like a center of attention. Those are some speculations I could see happen. If they are good friends of yours, you could ask them about it. They might have a perfectly sensible explanation to any of it.

I wish I would have an answer, but everybody thinks in a different way, sometimes completely illogical behavior has a perfectly sensible train of thought behind it, but the point of view can change the perception quite a lot.

I really don't like groups bigger as 4, maybe 5 either.

 

[Duane Wyatt]

I somewhat relate to that Suzanne. I was at my wife's family reunion. I spent the day in a corner recliner with my eyes closed, wishing I was back home. My mother in law came up to me and asked me what was wrong with me, why I don't socialize with people. I went out to the patio but became angry and shouted at every one to hurry up and take the family photo--that I was going to walk the fifteen or so miles home. My wife came after me in the car and took me home. My children were also there. It was so embarrassing for all of us. This incident combined with the fact that I can never look at people in the eye makes me feel like a failure in this life--even though I accomplished my career goal.

 

[Ste11aeres]

To be honest, I think most people don't get exactly why or how hard these things are for you. Perhaps they reasoned that, because you think big groups are scary, that you want to be left a bit to your own so you won't feel like a center of attention. Those are some speculations I could see happen.

Quite possible.
For me, I'd much rather stay at home.
But if I am at a party, ironically, if someone is talking to me, I feel like there is less attention on me.
If no one is talking to me, I feel that I just stick out like a sore thumb. Either I manage to insert myself into a group of people who are talking, and then I think that they must be thinking "who is this intruder who thinks she can stand near us even though she is not talking?" Or if I sit by myself I think that people must be thinking "who is that weirdo who is by herself even though she is at a party?"

 

[RidingDutchman]

Quite possible.
For me, I'd much rather stay at home.
But if I am at a party, ironically, if someone is talking to me, I feel like there is less attention on me.
If no one is talking to me, I feel that I just stick out like a sore thumb. Either I manage to insert myself into a group of people who are talking, and then I think that they must be thinking "who is this intruder who thinks she can stand near us even though she is not talking?" Or if I sit by myself I think that people must be thinking "who is that weirdo who is by herself even though she is at a party?"

You sound like that voice in my head named "thinking" . Pretty much exactly how I think about it myself and why I get really nervous at gathering because whatever I do, I always feel like I stick out in some negative way, very familiar.

So I tend to talk a bit but not too much, but that is hard because I tend to ramble a lot, love discussions and can't not respond to things xD
I just weird, hehe

 

[Aspieistj]

It is my personal experience, (interpretation??) that most people who have acknowledged that I have a problem, often resort to the magical thinking that if I am baptized by total immersion into a difficult situation, it will force me to work hard to improve. I believe they either find it amusing to watch me struggle or think it is the only way I will eventually learn to adjust. Who needs such friends! If I have someone with me to help me "work the crowd" until I find a place where I feel somewhat comfortable, I sometimes stay in that particular group and can muddle through the evening. I learned early on, when I worked at a hospital and large parties always meant I was out of my comfort zone, I made myself the designated photographer and circulated taking pictures and saying very little to any one person. This was in the days of 35mm film and expensive printing of the pictures and when I brought the pictures to the nursing office everyone poured over them, remarked at what a fabulous camera I had (yeah--way back then my Nikon and two lenses coat a 1.5 grand and the fabulous flash system several hundred dollars more, but the person taking the pictures still have to have some level of expertise), I was always able to get great shots. I took a lot so no one was left out and also in order to keep myself occupied. I then paid to have all those shots printed by a quality lab on good paper. It used to make me furious because many people would automatically ask for a reprint but no one ever offered to pay for the cost. It also drove me crazy that so many people asked to see my "pitchers" and then circulated their own Instamatic "pitchers" which seemed to be as well accepted as my high quality prints. I actually shot two weddings as my wedding gift to the couples because they couldn't afford a professional photographer. I printed the shots and placed them into nice looking albums and also gave them the negatives so they could choose to make formal enlargements of their favorites. I had been able to afford a professional photographer for my own wedding and learned from his work how I should photograph a formal wedding. Ok, Rant's over!

 

[Ylva]

They may have been punishing you for arriving late. That's a thing people do.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

It is my personal experience, (interpretation??) that most people who have acknowledged that I have a problem, often resort to the magical thinking that if I am baptized by total immersion into a difficult situation, it will force me to work hard to improve. I believe they either find it amusing to watch me struggle or think it is the only way I will eventually learn to adjust. Who needs such friends! ...I made myself the designated photographer and circulated taking pictures and saying very little to any one person. ...I took a lot so no one was left out and also in order to keep myself occupied. I then paid to have all those shots printed by a quality lab on good paper. It used to make me furious because many people would automatically ask for a reprint but no one ever offered to pay for the cost.

I've done exactly this--your first experience defines my grad school experience, your second was sort of like my experience trying out freelance photography, although I held a show and sold pictures: the only "gift" I made was to a couple whose house burned down, with their own children's baby pictures, and since I had a print of their grandson getting a haircut, I made a gift of it. Didn't cover my costs, but the experience was well worth it, and I did get business after that.

Congratulate yourself for solving the social problem, and finding a way to contribute; notice where your rising expectations robbed you of joy. I think there's a lot of good stuff in your experience, and in you.

 

[Suzanne]

Thank you all and tons of "food for thought"!

Sitting my by myself is the worst and as hard as I tried to take in my surroundings and just be a contented observer, it is just not in me to be that way! Yes, ironically, chatting to someone, makes me feel less like a beacon and I knew I was, because IV

If no one said hello, not even the hostess, they were being a bit rude. Especially the hostess.
It is also true that us Aspies who are shy and introverted give some sort of impression that makes people unwilling to talk to us. Perhaps they feel that we don't want anyone to talk to us, and they are trying to be kind. But the hostess definitely should have at least greeted you.

Did you know most of the people there? I enjoyed exactly one party in recent years. It consisted of the people I'd been taking a college class with. It was the end of the semester, and, due to the type of class it had been, we'd gotten to know each other very well. But all the other parties I've gone to in recent years have been miserable. Because they have been filled with people who did not already have established friendships with me. And they were not interested in talking to me.

On reflection, it was due to the hostess "snubbing" me that had the rebound effect! It was all so bizarre, because she is one of my absolute favourites and usually so nice! Sort of half an hour into the gathering, when I am afraid, I was barely holding up, she was passing, paused and looked at me quizzically and mouthed: ah you ok? I mouthed yes ( what else could I do)? And she looked PAINED but hang on, she was the cause of MY pain. I thought I could read people, but even now, I am perplexed!

I know them all, but there are two females who I just do not get on with and this is because they do not like me! One just about tolerates me ie has pity for me ( I can see it in her eyes) and the other, cannot even be bothered to say hi! But last night, I felt nearly all were my enemy and that hurt!

What would you say about this? One said: I really enjoyed talking to you, Suzanne! I felt like saying: why the surprise? Do I look that unapproachable?

 

[Suzanne]

To be honest, I think most people don't get exactly why or how hard these things are for you. Perhaps they reasoned that, because you think big groups are scary, that you want to be left a bit to your own so you won't feel like a center of attention. Those are some speculations I could see happen. If they are good friends of yours, you could ask them about it. They might have a perfectly sensible explanation to any of it.

I wish I would have an answer, but everybody thinks in a different way, sometimes completely illogical behavior has a perfectly sensible train of thought behind it, but the point of view can change the perception quite a lot.

I really don't like groups bigger as 4, maybe 5 either.

I really am not sure! For towards the end of the meeting, the hostess came to sit next to me and said: when ever I look around, you are always on your own!!!! I could not talk with her, because of how much pain I felt in my heart, so I just smiled and said: I am fine. I know there is no point in asking, because nt's don't get the point and I would end up feeling a pain to them and thus, I keep quiet.

The gathering not so long ago, which consisted of 5 of us, was a splendid evening!

 

[Sass]

Yup, the hostess was super rude, although sometimes when other guests arrive, it can be hard to extract yourself from a conversation with other guests to get to the new ones in time. This is one of the reasons I don't have parties/gatherings, because I don't know the best way to move on and greet others without offending the people I'm talking to.

Also, I know this might seem odd, but don't write off the fact that you were asked if you were ok. Even if they were just doing it to be polite, that still means they think enough of you to ask, and that's not a bad thing. Maybe they asked because they felt you needed to be asked, and that means they were paying attention, even if they didn't know a good way to deal with it?

If they are close friends, I'd try to talk to them about it. Real friends will be aghast at having upset you, and try really hard for it not to happen again.

 

[Progster]

The hostess and other guests were very rude. Being late is no reason not to greet you, and no excuse for their rudeness.

I find that if I go to social events, people always greet me, but they don't talk to me after that. Here, people don't make the effort to talk to you if you are on your own, because they think that it's up to you to join in and talk, and not their obligation to see that someone is on my own and talk to them. So usually I'm on my own. My partner is a member of a local drama club, so most of his friends are from the club and they just talk theatre and club gossip all the time. Boring.

One of my biggest problems with large gatherings is that people smoke near me and don't go outside to smoke as they do in other European countries. I find it difficult to talk to someone who's smoking, or when others are smoking near me even. Also, people talk over the top of each other, don't listen and I can't make out what they are saying - it's just about impossible to join in the conversation, and when I do, I just get ignored because someone else starts taking at the same time and everyone listens to them and not to me. It's pointless. I have no voice.

 

[Suzanne]

Thanks for ALL your replies

I was the "hostess" company all morning today and even though, how I felt about her "treatment" of me, did not come into the conversation, by what she said clearly showed that she did not mean it, but was rather overwhelmed herself and for that moment, couldn't get up and say hi. And true enough, when on other gatherings, others arrive late, no one gets up to greet them, but guess what? I DO because I know how awful it feels arriving late.

I now come to the conclusion this is an nt way of thinking.

I have calmed down now and she knows that when ever this happens again, I shall not be attending! She now knows I can deal with up to 5 people, but there were about 20 there yesterday and it was just too hard for me to cope.

 

[Aspieistj]

Some people absolutely can't tolerate lateness. Maybe you ticked her off and the rest of the NTs simply followed her lead. Maybe they had already discussed your lateness? Are you often late?

 

[Cosmophylla]

At the party, when the hostess looked pained, perhaps she was feeling pain for you? Could she have been feeling guilty for not greeting you when you entered? Maybe she was trying not to draw attention to you but normally a hostess will make an effort to make guests feel at home... I think. I'm a dreadful hostess.

Well done for sticking it out. I admire you! Unless they were all people I got along well with or I had someone come with me, there is no way I would go to a party like that. I hate entering parties... (And shops, rooms, etc., with people in them). All those eyes on me...

For me, four people is perfect. Six is tolerable. More than that and I really struggle. When there are conversations going left and right I can't understand any of them. It's bewildering. I try to engage, do a good job of faking it at first, but after a while I hit the wall and start shutting down and all I can think of is going home... After most social gatherings I'm not fit to drive home even though I don't drink alcohol. I am just too exhausted and my brain can't seem to cope with concentrating on the road. Often I end up falling asleep. And if it's a big party I've been to I then need bed rest!

 

[Skye81]

Hehe that could so have been me! I occasionally have to go to things with my husband and I'll feel anxious when first told the date, then I'll ignore it until nearer the time. I'll want to be ok about going but I will just start panicking and wishing I was suddenly too ill to go..!! It will be awful and I'll panic the entire time. I will be very aware of not talking to people and seeing groups of people chatting.. and then me. I'll be better if stood with my husband but oh my goodness of he disappears for the toilet or a drink I am in trouble!! I've never known a hostess not say hello but maybe they were just so caught up in everything they forgot.. If I was holding a party I'd forget to say hello to most people.. Eek. I am often the one stood on my own looking totally awkward. Lovely. !!