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Wanting to disappear.

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by KagamineLen, May 4, 2021.

  1. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    I have no real social life left. Most of my friends have abandoned me and dropped out of my life completely since the pandemic started. All I have left are my thoughts, and my thoughts make for miserable company.

    Thinking of diving back into hard drug abuse these days. I most likely won’t do that, but that does not mean that thought does not occur to me these days.

    Most days I feel like I do not have any reason to get out of bed outside of my job.

    I am finding a whole lot of older bad habits creeping into my daily life now. Obsession with porn? Check. Nonstop self pity? Check. Slacking off on the most basic of things? Check. Obsessing about friends I had to ditch a decade ago because they were extremely unhealthy people to be around? Check.

    I hate my life today.
     
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  2. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    10 years ago is a long time. Maybe those people have changed, but you don't have to go chasing them down either. I wouldn't close my doors at this point, but I'd have high expectations to allow it to make it work sort of thing. Like communication needs to be open and transparent, and they need to respect your time and interests, and you need to be able to stand up for yourself in a way that you could make this work.

    There are lots of people in the world including this community here, thankfully.
     
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  3. George Newman

    George Newman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It’s gonna be okay. Don’t give up and hang in there.
     
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  4. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    I am quite certain most of the people I used to hang with a decade ago have not changed for the better. I am not going to actively seek them out - they were living in a genuinely toxic addict culture, and so was I back then.
     
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  5. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit "..experience moments of happiness."

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    Drugs wont help, that just makes a bigger mess. This is actually a good sign that you have [now] grown beyond the last circle, like rings on a tree.

    Now is the time to review actual beliefs that are current and see if some sort of spiritual community would be a good fit. I always go there first, i know, bc its so ez, just walk rite in, and start making friends. More likely to work
    [make nu friends]
    as more ppl at once offers greater selection, so better odds.

    Most of the fun type hobby clubs are typ started by churches, but they vary from place to place. There are steps to take first, the church or mosque or temple or whathave you is traditional, safe and often has perks

    bars are awful crime infested depression factories for me. Never again. I want to drink fine wine with a yoga yum yum soccer mom who drives a lexus, not listen to janky music in a dive with sticky floors and wings on the menu.

    Whole different scene at art galleries and charity fund raisers. Dont worry, america is going to be amazing and fix the mess pretty soon, the nu culture will be even better than b4 the plague

    Also, depending on terrain and site security issues, local traffic mess. Etc

    Did you get a bicycle yet?
     
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  6. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    I do not have a bike, I am kinda reluctant to buy one since it rains all the time where I live. It keeps the scenery green, but I don’t want to bike in the rain.

    I am tempted to buy a large sized BBQ grill, though, so I can use it for my guests whenever this pandemic starts to die down. Or maybe I will also buy a smoker, since I have space for all of that stuff now that I am renting a house.

    There is a lot I can do to improve my quality of life, my biggest enemy now is procrastination and self pity. I get nothing done, feel bad about getting nothing done, do nothing because I feel bad and want to wallow in sorrow.

    Vicious cycle, indeed.
     
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  7. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit "..experience moments of happiness."

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    Plz rethink the bicycle, even if u only get to use it a few times a month it is a great help. So long as you are fit enough to pedal, and confident it wont get stolen or vandalized at home, its a fun thing to have. It will cheer you up, honest. Grill sounds good too, but pricey, and they get rusty too.

    I have a truck so bike goes in truck drive to nice nieghbor hood and just wander around on the bike, its fun
     
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  8. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

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    PLEASE DO NOT START DRUGS AGAIN! It will do no good and will not take away the feelings.

    Do you have a green space, a place to look at birds, at creatures who don't care about who you are or how much you make or anything at all. They will just look at you and wonder.

    Who said humans were all that great anyway? I was all eager to get out there after this was all over and now I am thinking, "For what?"

    I do hope that you can get through today because tomorrow you might feel better. I am glad you came on here because if you even do one thing that someone suggests and know that we are doing it because we care about you, it might help.

    Life is a lot of plodding for a lot of people. But there is also periods of joy.
     
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  9. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    You aren't talking about your toxic family anymore. You won that battle. Congrats on that by the way.

    But the upward climb can be lonely. Once we detox on toxic family, toxic friends, numbing substances to help us over the HUMP, it's a haul. I am not going to lie to you about this part of it. You make your choices wisely. You decide what, when and where now. But your family is now just a bad memory instead of ACTIVELY influencing your decisions. Your bad choices are now all yours, lol. You changed so much since you have been here. YOU are another success story here. You keep me fighting to be a success also. Thanks from the battlefield.

    You don't truly see yourself as a success. But you are. You now have the option of being a failure as your mom programmed you for, OR as being a success, because revenge is a bee. Take that mom.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2021
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  10. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Have you got a garden? Growing some plants could be a relaxing interest. Just making any outside space you have look nice is quite interesting to do. It's been blowing a gale here today, my new walk in polythene greenhouse has been swaying, but it's fine.

    Perhaps look on plant and garden websites and find stuff you want to try growing, or ideally go to a garden centre. I try new plants every year, I like herbs and food plants and flowers. Don't beat yourself up for lack of motivation, it's common with depression. And your work takes a lot out-of you too. America will get you all vaccinated, and then the battles largely won, social life will restart.
     
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  11. Greatshield17

    Greatshield17 It’s May, the month of Mary! V.I.P Member

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    These past few days I have actually made a lot of success in overcoming my own issues with my family; I guess the true turning point started unknowingly with my decision to become a homesteader, but these past few days I really overcame my sort of emotional issues regarding my broken relationship with them and now just view them as my fellow-human beings.
     
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  12. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hard drugs isn't really an option for autistics, we don't have the social skillset required.

    Try doing it without work, it's worse. It's ok to live to work if you have nothing else, maybe something else will come along later.

    'You think too much', just keep busy.
     
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  13. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    Well, I did something that was somewhat self destructive today. I opened up a new line of credit and charged a new gaming laptop on it that I now have to pay off in one year if I don’t want any interest charged on it. I just got out of most of my debt, too, and I just had to put myself right back into the hole for a couple thousand dollars. At least I can’t afford to buy drugs now.
     
  14. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    You should sign up for my website! Just to have someone to talk to, about anything. And I promise I won't talk about Jesus. :D Message me if you're interested!
     
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  15. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    I did disappear and found that my troubles followed me. Just about every problem in your life will remain the same it's mainly your outlook on life that makes a difference.

    That being said, I also used to be a user, and the one thing that did change with location was that I no longer see drugs or the evidence of them everywhere I look. I do not think I could remain sober if I'd have stayed in the USA. Where I am at now, it's always a thought on my mind, but I have ZERO access to them. This is one thing I'm very thankful for.

    I hope you feel better soon/find a different outlook somehow. My outlook on life changed dramatically by talking to a few people here on the forums in the chatroom. I got addicted to that to and have since stopped chatting in the room, but I'd be happy to get a PM from anyone. You included of course.

    Good luck and feel better!
     
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  16. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Wherever you go, there you are.
     
  17. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit "..experience moments of happiness."

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    Great choice len, no worries, let the world bring u pleasure anyways, rock on dude !
     
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