Understanding my partner, suspected ASD & AvPD

[Maria91]

One thing to keep in perspective:

Having irreconcilable differences isn't a crime. It's merely a civil reason to discontinue a relationship.

And it happens- quite frequently.

That is serious food for thought, and may ultimately be the only solution or best course of action. I said the same to him, if we can't get back on the same page, we would be better off apart. I have no intention of staying in a deeply unhappy relationship for years (as some do), but I (we) are willing to exhaust every avenue before we give up. Our daughter at least deserves that we put some effort into this. I think.

I don't want him to feel under pressure from me, and me being assertive and him being avoidant certainly doesn't sound like a good match on paper.. I don't gain any pleasure in constantly being the dominant partner. I would really love for him come out of his shell, and to ditch the avoidance and half truths.. My own personal goal is learn a lot more emotional regulation & patience.

If this relationship gets in the way (much longer) to my road to recovery, it will have to end anyway, because ultimately my priority should be fixing my own problems. (as highlighted by some here, which I agree with). I just hold out hope that I could help him along the way also.

Blind leading the blind, I know.

 

[SameStars]

and today I view him as a selfish, spineless, avoidant jerk... Who's also a social embarrassment and a calamity waiting to happen.

Honestly, if we didn't have a baby, I'd have left him in a flash... But we do, and somewhere beyond all his lies and my red mist, there was love, I think. We accidentally brought a beautiful baby girl into the world, accident or not, I wouldn't have run the risk with anybody else... and he did get straight to my heart strings with that very first concert.

Don't these words say it all? It doesn't appear like you like or even respect him anymore. It sounds pretty toxic, and I hope this won't hurt your daughter in the end.

Even if he would have Autism (which we as outsiders can't diagnose, despite all of that backstory...), it sounds like you would not have the patience to work with that. Which is perfectly fine, some differences are insurmountable... don't hold on to something just because it was nice once, you have to both want to work on your future.

 

[Nervous Rex]

@Maria91, here are a few simple truths to guide your decision:

1) ASD is not a personality. A person can be stubborn or teachable, kind or mean, thoughtful or oblivious no matter whether (s)he is ASD or not.

2) Finding out whether your partner is on the spectrum or not will not change his personality.

3) There are no easy fixes for ASD-related issues. There are only ways to cope, and all involve hard work.

4) Nobody, ASD or otherwise, changes unless they want to change. People don't tend to change unless the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution.

5) You cannot change others. The only thing you can do is change the way you interact with them.

6) In every relationship, the person who cares the least has the most power.

If you feel that you are not well served in your relationship with your partner, you have two choices:
A) End the relationship
B) Change the relationship by changing your behavior. This is not pointing the finger at you or attacking you - it's recognizing that you are the only thing you have power to change.

If you need help doing either one of these, I suggest a therapist, as others have suggested. A therapist will be able to spend the time to understand your individual situation better than a group of schmoes on a website.

 

[Pats]

Sorry - I kind of skimmed over some parts, but I will point out that you came to a forum of autistics who tend to be brutally truthful.
It kind of sounds like the things you like about him are the things he is willing to do to match up with your wants. I would not call him a family man - he has a family already and look how he has done them by having a relationship with you. You know he lies and you know he cheats. If you're in it for the gifts and what he can do for you, then go for it. If you're looking for a real relationship - I would say this is not it.

 

[xudo]

Additionally, he can't look me in the eyes when he's speaking to me.

This one is really bugging. If you're telling the truth, why can't you look at me and say it?

For me, it's physically painful. Additionally, people who demand eye contact are only making it worse.

 

[Tom]

It's difficult to come up with suggestions/information, etc. One reason is that it already is a complicated situation, with much water under the bridge. Another is that it sounds like you are asking how to build a house of cards in a windstorm. Unless you could get things like anger, inflexibility, impatience, perfectionalism under great control I don't see how you can set up a good complimentary relationship with someone on the spectrum.

 

[Aspychata]

The observation l make is that you care about him, and you have come here with the hope of some insight. Relationships are extremely complex, and for everyone trying to point the finger at you, there will be just as many pointing the finger at him. Either you will stay and try to power through or you will decide to leave. It's a tough choice and nobody has right to tell u what to do. If the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, then stay. It will be a work in progress.

Sorry if the forum came across strong, relationships bring up many emotions for this particular forum. Maybe the forum was unclear in what you are asking.

There are no manuals or rulebooks on relationships. What works for me may not work for you. We all run to a different drummer and we all have reasons for staying or breaking up. Much success to you, and please think of your child and the healthy way to raise that beautiful child.

l suffer from relationship anxiety for some reason. Maybe due to a very bad marriage. So l am learning more about myself.

 

[Aspychata]

It's difficult to come up with suggestions/information, etc. One reason is that it already is a complicated situation, with much water under the bridge. Another is that it sounds like you are asking how to build a house of cards in a windstorm. Unless you could get things like anger, inflexibility, impatience, perfectionalism under great control I don't see how you can set up a good complimentary relationship with someone on the spectrum.

There are some people on the spectrum that suffer from the very issues you mentioned. Just sayin'

 

[SignOfLazarus]

I like that he's thoughtful in many areas (despite some times being clearly unthoughtful). He puts great care into choosing gifts he thinks I'll like, ranging from concert tickets to my favourite bands, or books from my favourite authors. He gets me chocolate & wine & my favourite sweets (I know this sounds childlike, but I have sweet tooth).

He takes care to message throughout the day with good morning, afternoon or evening wished etc.

He understands some of my intellectual pursuits, mainly politics, he's taken a keen interest in this area so he can meaningfully engage with me.

We share the same taste in music & film & food (mostly).

We both enjoy similar activities games & sight seeing areas... when we aren't under stress, we do get on well, like kindred spirits.

We both feel the need to escape away from people (although his tendency for this is far greater than mine).

I like that he is kind & patient... His best qualities are ones I somewhat lack, and visa versa.

Having said that, I hate the fact that he's so easily lead he would probably pretend to like something that I do, just to please me. But he doesn't need to do that, and I wish he would assert himself more.

For example, he drank the coffees I made him for three months before one day mentioning I was using too much milk... he said he didn't tell me about it before because he appreciated that I got up early each morning to make his lunch & coffee before work, and he didn't want to criticise me at all.

But I'd have preferred it if he just mentioned it three months earlier, as I can be a perfectionist, I then hated the fact I'd been serving him sub-par coffee for three months.

I like that he's a "family man" and all he's ever wanted was to be part of a functioning family. He stuck by his wife for years, whilst she done some of the most atrocious things, because he's a very loyal person. He loves his kids, and he's a reasonably good father, although his style of parenting is permissive, unlike mine.. He's not a bad dad, and he's generally not a bad person, besides being an avoidant pain in the ass.

An observation:
You are calling him "an avoidant pain in the ass" and yet dressing him down in a public forum of strangers.

You can discuss these things with him and meet him half way with a lot of what seem to be minor logistical communication issues- some of them creating problems because you demand what is comfortable for you but (going by your own report of the situation) maybe not actually *necessary* and at the expense of a lot of effort for him.

You state in more than one way that you don't have patience- yet appreciate he does.

You can't mold people to be something other than what they are and asking strangers to explain your own partner to you is avoiding issues that need to be dealt with straight on.

Also: Don't demand that people look you in the eye.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

mm.. I don't know why people are so mad about it; or maybe it's triggering? I think Maria's posts were like a beautifully written tragic love story.. sorry if that sounds rude. May your path gets smoother, Maria.

Maybe since it's hard for him to speak, with the stuttering, that's why not much information came from him. And, it's hard for some people especially autistic people to look into the eyes of the other people; maybe because of sensory overload - "a picture can tell 1000 stories, let alone a real-time 'video'".

All that said, it must be very hurtful to be lied upon, especially about big big things that involve you and your future - about how he's not divorced and about the mortgage. some men lie to get the woman.. ugh bad people! (side note: not related but it just made me think maybe that's why premarital sex & being drunk are not recommended by some.. okay everybody please don't get mad at me).

But it's already in the past. On the bright side, you have a beautiful baby with you

 

[Bolletje]

side note: not related but it just made me think maybe that's why premarital sex & being drunk are not recommended by some..

Not that much of a problem when you take precautions. There’s a myriad of forms of birth control available these days.