Understanding my partner, suspected ASD & AvPD

[Maria91]

Hey,

I was hoping some of you may be able to help me understand my partner better. It's a long post, so I hope you're bored enough to read it

We've been together 2 and a half years, and have a 6 month old child together.

We met online, on a MBTI forum, and dated long distance for 18 months before moving in together. Since we have moved in together, our relationship is really struggling, for a multitude of reasons.. But one of the main reasons is just his personality, and my inability to understand it. Which I know might sound absurd, stating that over two years in... Or perhaps it's my inability to come to terms with it.

When we spoke online and got to know each other he was fun, playful and full of bravado. Our relationship was simply a passing friendship, until he invited me to a concert (my favourite band and one of his), and then it turned romantic from there.

The next year was really enjoyable, we spoke over text all the time and we hooked up for a few days every 2-3 weeks and we went on some amazing dates. During this time, apart from struggling to hear him a few times, we generally spoke for hours, laughed, joked and really enjoyed each others company.

Fast forward 18 months, and we get pregnancy news (accidental)... which spun his head into a wobble. You see, he was a "divorced" dad to three children, and there was 100 miles between us, so this just presented extreme logistical problems for him.

When he first heard the pregnancy news he was happy, and asked me when I would be moving in with him in his city.

Unfortunately I felt very strongly about not moving to his city. It's one of the worst in the country, it's small, depressing, there's no opportunities, it's full of people I have nothing in common with, and in addition to that, my partner was an extreme isolationist and he didn't have any friends or life outside of his previous 10 year relationship. There was nothing but awkwardness, depression & isolation awaiting for me in that city.

Upon hearing this, he & his mother actually turned very nasty and started saying that I was being selfish.... I asked him if he could drive to my city and discuss this in person, yet the first thing he done was to go round to a female friends house (his only friend), got drunk and send me a bunch of abusive messages. He also went to a forum I used and started slagging me off, even up to the point of dragging my dead father into it, which was just absurd and completely below the belt.. I imagine he was drunk at this point, as this female friend always got him drunk.

I was utterly and truly shocked at this behaviour. His character is usually that of a timid person, who shrinks in crowd (despite being 6+ft), and he's one of those stereotypical "nice guys"... so this just came out of no where for me.

Now, I'm not claiming to be perfect in this.. I'm far from it. I suspect I have Borderline Personality Disorder. The revelation only befell me last year, despite me always knowing something wasn't quite right....

 

[Maria91]

I'm quite well functioning outside of interpersonal relationships, but it's relationships that are my downfall. I had a difficult childhood, but I'll spare you the details, the ultimate outcome is that I really struggle with trust & intimacy. My history before this relationship is one of short lived relationships, and a care free single attitude... But bringing a baby into the world don't half change all that.

Prior to the pregnancy news, he had to put up with my cold feet and wanting to bail all the time.

But, I didn't bail, we ended up with a baby, and after much arguing about the logistics, eventually moved in together. Firstly we moved half way between us, so we could both remain withing driving distance of our families & commitments. That only lasted 6 months.

I found out rather quite late into our relationship that he had lied bout being divorced and he was in fact still married, and he also lied about owning his mortgage himself, it was a joint mortgage, he had also lied about finances & various arrangements with his still wife at the time.

Suffice it to say, this all blew my BPD mind, and I very quickly went from idolisation of him to practically hating his guts. I can't stand liars, and he'd told me the biggest lies of all.

In fact, that's how I found out I had BPD, upon reviewing the messages between him and his wife, I discovered that a year prior he had in fact said to her "Can I speak to you about something? I think Maria has BPD.. " his ex had Bipolar disorder, and acts like a walking encyclopedia of mental illness, for some context. She's a vile woman who used the Bipolar Diagnosis to justify having 5 affairs behind his back and using hard drugs at one point. (rolls eyeballs), hence why they eventually separated, following him having enough of it.

This infuriated me for a couple of reasons 1) Why are you telling your wife my business? 2) Why haven't you discussed this with me?

It was a revelation to me, I had never before considered I had a disorder, to be honest, I always thought most people claiming various mental illness were mostly histrionics.

I have much more respect for the field now, upon my own revelation of BPD.

Anyway, this is of course another huge infringement on my boundaries, discussing me with his wife of all people. Apparently he knows nothing of appropriate boundaries, and at this point I'm just feeling like the third wheel to his unresolved marriage (despite them being separated for three years).

Fats forward to now, following those revelations, I couldn't stand living in a strange city for a man who had lied to me throughout the whole time of us being together, so I moved back to my city.

For the sake of our new daughter, he followed me over here and we are trying again... But it's so difficult.

 

[Maria91]

We are like two opposite people, totally contrasting the fact that we thought we had found kindred spirits in each other.

I first realised something was really wrong when I discovered the lies. I felt completely duped. I'm not usually a person who can be fooled, but this "nice guy" completely fooled be in regards to the details surrounding his marriage, separation and divorce (which was actually and eventually finalised a couple of months ago). To add salt into the wounds, he never had any intention of telling me the truth, his intention was to keep me in the dark and never tell me that he was still married or still sorting out the divorce & assets.

After I found out the truth, all these memories came flooding back of times he deliberately lied to me. I remembered at the time some of his statements seeming odd, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, as I thought he was honest with me from day 1.

Following those revelations, I became a harsher critic of him, and ended up checking out several facts. I took to online research and discovered he & his wife frequently used the same forums for years, where I read far more about both their histories than I had ever learned from him. I probably researched more than is healthy, but I'm a compulsive over thinker - and he triggered my FBI hat.

I learned that he previously thought he had Asperger's & AvPD.

This didn't come as a huge shock to me, but it was certainly illuminating as to his behaviours and mannerisms.

Following his exposure, of a being a liar, his false bravado soon dropped away and he's become an anxious & avoidant mess... Not helped by my now almost constant criticism.

My illusion of him being a "nice", "trustworthy", "secure", "safe bet" guy has been shattered, and today I view him as a selfish, spineless, avoidant jerk... Who's also a social embarrassment and a calamity waiting to happen.

I suppose my biggest problem, and his biggest problem, is that he's incapable of being honest. He will go to any lengths to avoid a confrontation, including lying himself into a bigger mess.

Unfortunately, one of my own personal triggers is lies... and he seems to fail to understand that no matter how mad I might be at hearing the truth, I can guarantee that I'll be 10x more mad at being lied to. Yet he apparently doesn't grasp that, as he persists in being dishonest, lying by omission or being evasive.

Unfortunately, another thing I can't stand is evasiveness. I "don't mind" confrontation, and I prefer to be direct & blunt. I really struggle when he tries to dodge and evade really simple queries... he also struggles to grasp the concept of "lying by omission". Often he'll only tell me about 20% of a story... I end up discovering the another 70% by myself, which infuriates me. I left another 10% hanging, because without his honestly, I will never know the full story, despite my FBI hat.

I'm really struggling with this. I always envisioned that when I met "the one" and "fell in love", that there would always be honesty & trust & to be safe in the knowledge that we both truly know each other, no secrets... But I fear I can never have this with him.

He never volunteers important information... Information has to be extracted from him, and I'm really sick & tired of it. Whether it be big things (as previously mentioned) or smaller things surrounding work, family etc... 95% of the time, I only learn something has happened in his life because I discover it myself, or I've had to press him for information. He never just walks in from work and says "Oh this happened today" or "Oh, I spoke to so n so today".

When we we're dating, I really didn't realise that he was a closed book... to the extent of being closed in behind brick walls. A magnolia brick wall to be precise, because that's about as vibrant as his personality is.

He only has one facial expression, and it's there alll the time. When he's stressed or under pressure, he'll furrow his brow. But that's about as much as his face moves. He's very unemotional.

Which I get, I'm not an emotional person myself, unless I'm angry. Angry & chill are about the only emotions I feel personally... I'll admit I have the emotional range of a tea-spoon... But he is something else.

 

[Maria91]

Now his false bravado has been dropped, he's just a nervous presence to be around. he socially isolates himself, and is happy playing stupid puzzle games on his phone all day, happily oblivious to the rest of the world around him... Unless he wants cuddles or sex, he can be quite needy in that regard... Needier than me, anyway.

He's oblivious to 80% of things happening around him.

He's got issues surrounding speech & body posture & mannerisms.

He can't speak without clearing his voice first, and he's very softly spoken, to the extent that most people, including myself, can't hear what he's saying. After clearing his throat and being asked to repeat himself 4 times, he then starts stuttering and repeating sentences... relevant information comes out at a very slow pace, which means I find myself getting impatient, and bored with what he is saying rather easily. His voice is also always monotone.

As if that wasn't bad enough, he has a serious speech delay.

When I address him or ask him a question, there's this deafening silence as I wait 1-2 minutes for it to "sink in". I just don't get it. I end up saying "did you hear me?" and then they'll be another long 30 second pause and he will say something like "Yes, I heard you.. I was just about to reply" .... But the gaps between someone else speaking and him speaking is painful, to everybody but him, apparently.

I'm struggling with this, as I communicate quickly, and so do all my friends & family.

This happens even if the question is simple like "have you seen the TV remote" .. or whether it's something more difficult like "You didn't tell me your ex was asking for more money". If it's one of the more difficult questions, I can visibly see him go into panic mode, his temple & jaw twitch, and the delayed response is even longer and the clogs in his brain go into over drive.... and it's annoying, because I can actually see it happening! The result is, I rarely feel like anything he tells me is the truth, as generally it shouldn't take than long to formulate an honest answer.. just what is he plotting?!

Additionally, he can't look me in the eyes when he's speaking to me.

This one is really bugging. If you're telling the truth, why can't you look at me and say it?

We spoke about this the other day, and I calmly and politely told him that I needed him to look me in the eyes if he actually wanted to work on building trust. Following that I had to tell him in the same conversation no less than 30 times to look at me. He would for one split second, then look away right again. It was impossible for him.

Apart from that, he also stands in awkward places, always stands in peoples way, hovers uncomfortably in corners, shrinks in crowds, and spaces around a room in a really annoying fashion.

I frequently have to tell him that he's standing in mine or somebody else's way. I frequently have to repeat the things he say to others so that they can understand. I frequently feel the need to engage the clerks in the shop, because I know they struggle to understand him, and he struggles to keep up pace with the conversation at hand... I feel like I have to excuse many of his behaviours to others.

When we walk into a building or a room, I'll see my family and friends and I'll quickly & easily say "Hey, how ya duin" .. He on the other hand has to take a few deep breathes, braces himself and stutters out a quiet greeting, about 1 minute after everybody has already said hello to him & turned away from him following his initial silence.

Now, I'm an introvert, and I definitely need to recover after prolonged social interaction.. But I can socially interact like a "normal" person. He just seems incapable of that.

I even have to tell him to look at our baby daughter and to engage with her, rather than his phone, I even have to encourage him to call his other children (between visits).

He's a lot more confident when he's drunk. He's a lot louder... The first year of us dating, I probably didn't notice he had these issues because we were often drinking, it was one on one, and he was still living the life of false bravado, before he got busted.

But he's even a liability when he's drunk. He's just so awkward, and sometimes childlike.. But in an embarrassing way.

He has very little physical grace. He's not ugly, he's quite handsome, but I'm not lying when I say it's Superman > Clarke Kent.

I fell in love with Superman, but ended up with Clark Kent.

He's totally a clutz, he has very poor dexterity. I'm always beating him at games & activities, which came as a shock to him because he spent 10 years beating his wife at everything... Hate to blow my own horn, but I'm in a different league to his ex wife.

Lord knows how she put up with these habits, I learned from my reading online we both basically have the same complaints about him. Like the way he chews his nails and keep them in his mouth all day. We are both revolted by it, although since I mentioned that to him, he's stopped doing it now. He said he's willing to become a better man for me.

I don't want this to sound all one sided, I need to become a better woman for him too. I have my own flaws that I need to work on... But my biggest struggle is in trust & vulnerability, and that's why I need him to be on the same page as me.

At the moment it feels like he's from Mars & I'm from Venus.

He's not very good in regards to arts, crafts or DIY, so I find myself doing the bulk of the traditionally male tasks... Which I'm somewhat okay with, as I can do those things.. but at the same time, sometimes I do wish I had a man to rely on.

He instead spends all his time reading up on science, math, playing games & writing stories. I don't even like his stories.

Honestly, if we didn't have a baby, I'd have left him in a flash... But we do, and somewhere beyond all his lies and my red mist, there was love, I think. We accidentally brought a beautiful baby girl into the world, accident or not, I wouldn't have run the risk with anybody else... and he did get straight to my heart strings with that very first concert.

Anyway, fast forward to now, and he won't admit to me that he has ASD or AvPD, and he's he has "something" but he won't define it.. But I think this is distancing himself from the fact I discovered all his posts talking about ASD & AvPD.

---

I've just asked him again, he said he doesn't think he's on the spectrum (despite scoring fairly high on the tests) but he does think he has AvPD.

---

For a bit of background on him, he was raised single handedly my his mother with his two older siblings. They lived in a city with no friends or family, his mother is a bitter narcissist who still hates his dad (30 year later, and probably alienated them), he's a victim of sexual abuse as a child, his mother made him repress it (it was the baby sitter), and he was severely bullied growing up, before entering a co-dependant relationship with his wife who walked all over him for 10 years.. and now he's with me, the ballbuster.

---

Anyway, I suppose I'm here seeking some sort of confirmation, education or solutions. What do you call his behaviour? And is there any hope for us considering I'm impatient, and to deal with him you need the patience of a saint?

Sorry it's long, I thought about erasing the whole thing... but I'll post it anyway.

Maria.

 

[Mary Terry]

Maria - With respect, what you posted is just a long rant typical of BPD. You don't know if he is on the autism spectrum or not and even if he were, his behavior as you describe it has little or nothing to do with ASD.

Since you can't stand him, his family, or his friends then, for the sake of your child, either give him custody of your daughter with visitation rights for yourself or you keep custody with visitation rights to him.

I recommend you obtain professional therapy so you can learn how BPD affects you in your relationships with other people and to achieve some degree of mental and emotional stability about the whole thing. Your child needs and deserves that. There are websites that cater to people with BPD. Please investigate them.

 

[Maria91]

Maria - With respect, what you posted is just a long rant typical of BPD. You don't know if he is on the autism spectrum or not and even if he were, his behavior as you describe it has little or nothing to do with ASD.

With respect, I didn't say I knew if he had ASD or not. I'm simply highlighting that he spent several years thinking he did have ASD. Is this irrelevant?

Since you can't stand him, his family, or his friends then, for the sake of your child, either give him custody of your daughter with visitation rights for yourself or you keep custody with visitation rights to him.

You're making a lot of assumptions here. I only quoted his feelings about his mother, I didn't even reference mine, and I didn't reference his "friends", he only had one and she was alcoholic, who he had fell out with previously once before for excessive drinking. He ultimately fell out with her the night he was at hers (that I did reference) because of a drunken row between them that turned very bitter after she propositioned him to bed, I was 100 miles away at the time.

I take affront to your your false assumptions, and heavy handed "give him custody statement" , how very well damn rude of you.

I recommend you obtain professional therapy so you can learn how BPD affects you in your relationships with other people and to achieve some degree of mental and emotional stability about the whole thing. Your child needs and deserves that. There are websites that cater to people with BPD. Please investigate them.

Well, that's something that I'm already doing... But it doesn't really help me with his problems, which you've yet to address, so thank you for nothing.

 

[Ken S.]

You are a very rude person who gets angry easily. You need to work on you.

 

[Maria91]

Why I am rude? Because I corrected incorrect assumptions and offered the thanks deserved?

 

[Mary Terry]

With respect, I didn't say I knew if he had ASD or not. I'm simply highlighting that he spent several years thinking he did have ASD. Is this irrelevant?



You're making a lot of assumptions here. I only quoted his feelings about his mother, I didn't even reference mine, and I didn't reference his "friends", he only had one and she was alcoholic, who he had fell out with previously once before for excessive drinking. He ultimately fell out with her the night he was at hers (that I did reference) because of a drunken row between them that turned very bitter after she propositioned him to bed, I was 100 miles away at the time.

I take affront to your your false assumptions, and heavy handed "give him custody statement" , how very well damn rude of you.



Well, that's something that I'm already doing... But it doesn't really help me with his problems, which you've yet to address, so thank you for nothing.

You're welcome.

 

[Maria91]

Well this is turning out to be constructive.

 

[Creep]

In my own experience: knowing someone online is different than knowing someone in person. Please get help for your own issues for the sake of your kid. This stuff with your ex will perhaps work itself out with time, perhaps not. Good luck.

 

[GadAbout]

Oh, oh, oh, no no no. Maria, you don't join a new forum and immediately call someone else rude. Mary Terry who first answered you is an intelligent and compassionate person, and rather than thanking her for insight and a different perspective, you insulted her.

I'm not weighing in on who is rude and who has ASD and who has BPD. I just feel very badly that you started off here this way, and seeing how you responded to another for their opinions, I'm not going to offer mine.

You seem to live in a whirlwind of controversy and drama, and I, for one, don't need any more of that in my life.

Good luck, Maria.

 

[Maria91]

Oh, oh, oh, no no no. Maria, you don't join a new forum and immediately call someone else rude. Mary Terry who first answered you is an intelligent and compassionate person, and rather than thanking her for insight and a different perspective, you insulted her.

I'm not weighing in on who is rude and who has ASD and who has BPD. I just feel very badly that you started off here this way, and seeing how you responded to another for their opinions, I'm not going to offer mine.

You seem to live in a whirlwind of controversy and drama, and I, for one, don't need any more of that in my life.

Good luck, Maria.

Mary dismissed everything I said about my partner and went for the low-hanging fruit that is "You have BPD, you're the problem".

Which is not very intellectually or emotionally insightful... She said absolutely nothing of use, I'd have more respect for her if she did.

I don't do the whole "you're new, you must kiss the ass of everybody who is not new" approach either.

But thank you to the two of you who have at least tried to engage from a different angle... despite the fact my queries have been left unsatisfied.

Just another lesson learned.

"With respect.. Give him custody".. There is nothing respectable about telling somebody to give up their kid without so much as engaging in meaningful dialogue with them, and I certainly won't pretend that it was respectful.

 

[Bolletje]

What do you like about him?

 

[Maria91]

What do you like about him?

I like that he's thoughtful in many areas (despite some times being clearly unthoughtful). He puts great care into choosing gifts he thinks I'll like, ranging from concert tickets to my favourite bands, or books from my favourite authors. He gets me chocolate & wine & my favourite sweets (I know this sounds childlike, but I have sweet tooth).

He takes care to message throughout the day with good morning, afternoon or evening wished etc.

He understands some of my intellectual pursuits, mainly politics, he's taken a keen interest in this area so he can meaningfully engage with me.

We share the same taste in music & film & food (mostly).

We both enjoy similar activities games & sight seeing areas... when we aren't under stress, we do get on well, like kindred spirits.

We both feel the need to escape away from people (although his tendency for this is far greater than mine).

I like that he is kind & patient... His best qualities are ones I somewhat lack, and visa versa.

Having said that, I hate the fact that he's so easily lead he would probably pretend to like something that I do, just to please me. But he doesn't need to do that, and I wish he would assert himself more.

For example, he drank the coffees I made him for three months before one day mentioning I was using too much milk... he said he didn't tell me about it before because he appreciated that I got up early each morning to make his lunch & coffee before work, and he didn't want to criticise me at all.

But I'd have preferred it if he just mentioned it three months earlier, as I can be a perfectionist, I then hated the fact I'd been serving him sub-par coffee for three months.

I like that he's a "family man" and all he's ever wanted was to be part of a functioning family. He stuck by his wife for years, whilst she done some of the most atrocious things, because he's a very loyal person. He loves his kids, and he's a reasonably good father, although his style of parenting is permissive, unlike mine.. He's not a bad dad, and he's generally not a bad person, besides being an avoidant pain in the ass.

 

[Judge]

Hey,

I was hoping some of you may be able to help me understand my partner better.

We would if we thought we could. However what you have posted about him doesn't seem to be sufficient enough to establish even an assumption that your partner might be on the spectrum of autism, relative to his behavior from only your own point of view.

The only insight I can offer might reflect some generic observations, not specifically related to possible neurological concerns or differences. That given the hostile tone of your comments about your partner, it seems more like a severe case of remorse in rekindling a relationship that has already gone south. Most likely held together to this point in time only for the sake a child.

So it sounds like you have three basic choices:

1) Consider seeking some kind of professional counseling to salvage the relationship, if that's what you desire.

2) If you're really just looking for reasons to bail, I think you have already found them.

3) Consider formally pursuing both you and your partner's neurological considerations to determine how they may be negatively impacting your relationship, and whether or not it can be salvaged if this is the case.

 

[Maria91]

We would if we thought we could. However what you have posted about him doesn't seem to be sufficient enough to establish even an assumption that your partner might be on the spectrum of autism, relative to his behavior from only your own point of view.

I appreciate that.

I can try to offer what I do know from his own perspective, what he has posted about previously in other forums, and pretty much what he has said to me.

He said that from a very young age, his mother often invalidated him as a child, their household was very much centred on his mothers emotions & turmoil. She drank a lot back then. There was the prolonged incident with the baby sitter aged 6, which went on for several months, until he started acting up at school & got suspended. He told his mother what had happened to him and she apparently told him to forget about it. He said he felt his mother wanted to pretend it didn't happen because that would have brought shame upon her.

He said following that came some pretty intense bullying when he did return to school, and that followed him all the way till the end of school. He's always been very book-smart, but couldn't learn to socialise like everybody else from a very young age.

He lived as a loner, until he met his wife working in a club, and then the next ten years revolved around her. He had no meaningful friendships, and in his own words, he didn't need them because "they bail when times are tough and no friendships have ever really been meaningful to him".

He made one close internet friend during their marriage, female, but was eventually asked to stop that close internet & telephone friendship because his wife thought he was having an emotional affair. He was very upset about this friendship coming to an end. I asked him why, as it was another female, and it was sort of emotionally cheating -he said his wife was on her 4th affair, he had nobody in the world to turn to, apart from this one friend who lived across the globe. Fair enough.

He's said that he learned from a very young age that if you just keep the same blank expression and show no emotion, then that would give people the illusion that they aren't hurting him (with the bullying) and they'll eventually leave him alone. It's a mask he never drops.

His anti-social & absent minded tendencies have held him back in the work place, and so has his crippling social anxiety. He's good at his job behind the scenes, but loathes the thought of interacting with people.

He recently lost two jobs because of these very same reasons. He's now in his third job here, but much happier as it's his usual job role (Estimating), but with almost no human interaction, besides a new co-worker who he likes and seems to get along with.

I'm happy for him, that he's now hopefully found a suitable workplace (back in his city he had the same job for 10 years).

Although I do worry about his lack of adaptability, and his social anxiety holding back future job promotions.

In regards to his speech problems, he said he has had them before in the past. He said sometimes he just gets "brain fog" and doesn't know why sometimes it takes him an age to process simple things.

It's been a while since we both took the AQ tests, but he scored fairly high on them. I'll be honest in saying I don't know a lot about autism, and I'd gratefully receive advice on how to ascertain if he is on the spectrum or not.

At this point, he & I are fairly certain he has AvPD... But I am still curious about this ASD.

The only insight I can offer might reflect some generic observations, not specifically related to possible neurological concerns or differences. That given the hostile tone of your comments about your partner, it seems more like a severe case of remorse in rekindling a relationship that has already gone south. Most likely held together to this point in time only for the sake a child.

So it sounds like you have three basic choices:

1) Consider seeking some kind of professional counseling to salvage the relationship, if that's what you desire.

2) If you're really just looking for reasons to bail, I think you have already found them.

3) Consider formally pursuing both you and your partner's neurological considerations to determine how they may be negatively impacting your relationship, and whether or not it can be salvaged if this is the case.

Well out next step is probably going to be individual and joint counselling. I've been trying to pin down a private therapist for the last 6 months. I'm not going down the route of the NHS for two reasons 1) The engagement and waiting process is far too ridiculously long 2) I don't want meds, I don't like taking pills and I also don't wanted "mental illness" to be on my record. I very much prefer to take control of my own life. I'm not too concerned about my parenting, the love I feel for my daughter is a love (and happiness) I've never felt before. She's doing amazing.

The thing that needs fixing is mine & her dads relationship, but rest assured if it can't be fixed, we've both agree'd the best thing we could do for her is to parent separately. Well, he reluctantly agreed, as he's got more eggs in the basket for making this work.

But I want to make it work too. I know I have issues and they need to be overcome... But youknow what would be really helpful? If my partner could learn to speak up and look at people when he's speaking to them.

I know I'm a ballbuster, that's just who I am, but I only want whats best for him and us as a family.

 

[Judge]

I know I'm a ballbuster, that's just who I am, but I only want whats best for him and us as a family.

ball-break·er
/ˌbôlˈbrākər/
noun
informal

1. a tough disciplinarian or taskmaster.
   "to be one of the world's best chefs, you have to be a ball-breaker"
   • a dominating or threatening woman who destroys a man's self-confidence.
     noun: ballbuster

Then indeed by your own words, IMO you are part of the problem and not part of the solution.

That if you are correct in such an assumption, probably the best you can do is to split up rather than perpetuate a broken home for both your child and your spouse.

If your spouse is in fact on the spectrum, you fundamentally cannot change him, especially via brute force of any kind. You can only make a conscious decision and effort to adapt to and tolerate his Neurodiversity. Which would require you to be anything but a "ballbuster".

 

[Maria91]

ball-break·er
/ˌbôlˈbrākər/
noun
informal

1. a tough disciplinarian or taskmaster.
   "to be one of the world's best chefs, you have to be a ball-breaker"
   • a dominating or threatening woman who destroys a man's self-confidence.
     noun: ballbuster

Then indeed by your own words, IMO you are part of the problem and not part of the solution.

That if you are correct in such an assumption, probably the best you can do is to split up rather than perpetuate a broken home for both your child and your spouse.

I agree that I'm part of the problem, I'm an assertive individual who doesn't hesitate to get the outcome I desire, and I don't think he's well equipped to deal with my assertiveness, although he assures me that it's one of the things he likes about me (to an extent).

I don't set out to "destroy his self-confidence", but I probably have in ways.

When I met him, he lived like a slob.. like a real slob, couldn't see his floor in two rooms because of the clothes & trash accumulated, but I don't live like that, and I've quite authoritatively ensured he doesn't live like that here.

I probably inadvertently invalidate him when I beat him at stuff and when I complete a DIY task that he can't.

I've said hurtful things about his lack of social grace & honesty... but i was just being brutally honest.

 

[Judge]

I agree that I'm part of the problem, I'm an assertive individual who doesn't hesitate to get the outcome I desire, and I don't think he's well equipped to deal with my assertiveness, although he assures me that it's one of the things he likes about me (to an extent).

I don't set out to "destroy his self-confidence", but I probably have in ways.

When I met him, he lived like a slob.. like a real slob, couldn't see his floor in two rooms because of the clothes & trash accumulated, but I don't live like that, and I've quite authoritatively ensured he doesn't live like that here.

I've said hurtful things about his lack of social grace & honesty... but i was just being brutally honest.

One thing to keep in perspective:

Having irreconcilable differences isn't a crime. It's merely a civil reason to discontinue a relationship.

And it happens- quite frequently.