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Featured Understanding body language/touching

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Sara3, Nov 11, 2018.

  1. Sara3

    Sara3 Active Member

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    Hello!
    Recently, a man I know got upset with me. He was constantly trying to touch me, specially in the waist area and face. I honestly don't like that. I kept on moving away and he didn't seem to get it. He aproached again and I just yelled at him asking him why he was always trying to touch me. As soon as I yelled, he froze and almost immediately walked away saying: ok, I get it.
    We recently talked but he seems to be uncomfortable. I have thought maybe it is better if I stop talking to him (as always happens :( ).
    I don't go to parties to avoid something that is very frequent: body contact without permission. I remember I would ask people to avoid atempting to hug me or bury their faces on my neck. Now I never set foot in those places. I even remember one of them reacting in the worst way and everyone looking at us (he was drunk) and my brother warning him to stay away. It's been more than a year and If I get invited to that specific place, I decline.
    But, I have been wondering: Am I missing an important part of life? Am I exaggerating? I am worried because all of this inevitably leads to isolation. My ex used to say I didn't love him enough. I eventually got really anxious and decided to end the relationship. I just didn't feel like hugging a lot.
    Finally, is there a way to learn how to enjoy FREQUENT contact? Is it hard for anyone to express love through touching?
     
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  2. Bronzelincolns

    Bronzelincolns Well-Known Member

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    people who pursue others romantically are going to want physical contact at some point. if that's not what you're into than romantic relationships may not be for you.

    you can still make friends though.
     
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  3. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I seen a cartoon of an armor covered with sharp spikes - we need one of those. lol
    No one should touch you anywhere other than a handshake without your permission. But if hugging seems important, you can practice and feel less discomfort with it.
    It's kind of funny, maybe not - but I remember when I was young and I would think of a boy I had a crush on kissing me, but when I was actually kissed I didn't like it at all.
     
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  4. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I had that happen a year or so ago. One was kissing my hands, etc. The other constant tapping.

    The one I let pass because he had so much trauma in his life. It was grossly inappropriate to be kissing me without any intentions. (i.e he never asked me out . Was not interested that way, just getting a kick, I guess).

    The other I told to stop. The one I told to stop does treat me differently. But I don't care.

    But when I told the second man, the first caught on. The first is kind still but no more touching. So I am glad I did not have to tell the second outright because it would have hurt me a lot to hurt him.

    But over all, the whole things was so much stress that is ruined my pleasure in going to that place. It was a place I liked to go. I still hate it and it's not always possible to tell people to stop. But I totally understand. I hate it and would NEVER do that to another person.
     
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  5. disconnected

    disconnected Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Its weird. I’m not sure I completely like my wife touching me unexpectedly, but when it’s up to me, I like to cuddle and snuggle her. I guess when I’m ready it’s ok.
     
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  6. TempeFan

    TempeFan Well-Known Member

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    I truly enjoy my husband touching me, but when I am really busy dealing with something difficult or intense, I do get a bit annoyed at the interuption sometimes. I do the same to him but he never seems to get annoyed at me for it, even if I knock him over while doing it. Then we usually end up laughing, as long as we're not bleeding or in pain.

    It's easy to enjoy frequent contact with someone I love but hard with someone I don't completely trust.
    I love hugs when it's appropriate, which it's not with total strangers or others whose intention is unclear. I think perhaps autistic people are more uncomfortable with casual touching because it's harder for us to discern what is meant by it. People who are more in tune with social mores probably feel slighted if they are not receiving such attention. Personally, I'm not real fond of touching rituals, for example when visiting friends or relatives it's custom to aframe hug and kiss on cheek at every arrival or departure or dating rituals with the hand holding, or being led by the elbow, or arm around shoulder possessively, or the good night kiss when you don't know or like him well enough to want to do so. It's icky.
     
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  7. Sara3

    Sara3 Active Member

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    I have to admit practice hugging sounds interesting...
     
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  8. Sara3

    Sara3 Active Member

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    Yes, "when I'm ready" would be so much better. However that means the other person must be patient, which is not always the case :)
     
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  9. TempeFan

    TempeFan Well-Known Member

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    Hey! You're another cat!!!!!!

    Sorry @Pats maybe the next one will join team dog.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018
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  10. Sara3

    Sara3 Active Member

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    I agree. Now that I think of it, I may need my time to love. It would be perfect if I found someone willing to slow down :3 Most people are used to the opposite I guess...
     
  11. Sara3

    Sara3 Active Member

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    This cat's name is Iris. Do you like her? She was very territorial and used to hiss at strangers :D
     
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  12. Bronzelincolns

    Bronzelincolns Well-Known Member

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    did you explain this to the guys you were involved with?
     
  13. TempeFan

    TempeFan Well-Known Member

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    Our boy cat was a feral. He only hisses at me now. Below is a picture of my broad, which probably answers your question. Sandy Cuddles on my pillow, Sara Snuggles stretched out at the foot of the bed and then there's our baby boy Natayo or Nat the Cat for short.
    3 cats.jpg
     
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  14. Sara3

    Sara3 Active Member

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    Most of them were strangers to me :( No matter if I had crossed some words with them or had seen them a few times, I still didn't feel they were close or that I was involved with them. It happened at parties. Party environment is not my favorite one. o_O
    But in the specific case of my ex. I am wondering right now: Did I fail at expressing myself? Did I fail at stating clearly when I didn't want to be approached? Did I choose the right expression/words? Or, was he too stubborn? o_O
    Anyway, I think I will have to talk to the guy I yelled at. Maybe that will stop me from running away again? o_O
    Wow, you can't imagine how long it took to me write this! lol
     
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  15. Sara3

    Sara3 Active Member

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    Lovely cats! Also... Sara Snuggles :3 That's a great name for a cat!
     
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  16. Bronzelincolns

    Bronzelincolns Well-Known Member

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    i'd say it's normal to not be comfortable with strangers trying to caress you. certainly don't go into that environment again.....weird

    i'm sure the guy would be happy with you wanting to give it another go. just make sure to be up front with him about your boundaries.
     
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  17. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    People shouldn't touch other people without consent. People shouldn't take it for granted that it's ok to touch under any circunstance - it's intruding into personal space. Sometimes people need a firm 'no' or to be told not to touch. I really dislike it when strangers try to touch me, but it's ok for family members and my partner.
     
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  18. Catana

    Catana Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's nice that you were able to avoid hurting the first person, but it was just a lucky situation. But it is always possible to tell people to stop, even if it might hurt them. Your feelings are more important than the feelings of someone who's doing something to you without your permission. And there's a huge difference between touching from someone you know and trust and who will respect your feelings, and people who just think they have automatic permission to do that. Some people need to have their feelings hurt for them to learn anything, and you aren't obligated to avoid that possibility.
     
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  19. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    Touching your waist and face is way too intimate in my opinion and I would only be comfortable with doing that with an intimate partner and probably not in public.
    I would react badly to that.
    If someone I know touches the top of my hand or my arm for a brief moment, that is probably ok.
    You shouldn’t have to explain to a partner to slow down, it’s good if you do spell it out but I wouldn’t second guess what you could have done/should have done about your past relationships. Life is hard enough without questioning the past.
    It is a red flag when a man isn’t aware (or care) when a woman isn’t comfortable with how he is touching her. Another red flag is when they get all upset with YOU when you give them feedback, no matter how the feedback is given.
     
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  20. Ginseng

    Ginseng Christian V.I.P Member

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    I think we need to remember that there are some people who do not take hints that we mean No! We need to be weary of these people. They seek out weak people who are too kind to be forceful in their response. These people can even be quite dangerous. I recall once there was this man who kept trying to put himself in my life wanting to come into my home or some manner that I did not feel comfortable with. He kept pushing himself and smiling real big. I finally looked at him and said rather loudly “Do you have trouble accepting a no answer? Others heard me ask him that. He became embarrassed and said that he could and walked away. I seriously wondered what he would have been like had we been alone and I was telling him no about a sexual advance. If they can’t accept no regarding small things how will they do regarding sex? We really need to make sure our boundaries are respected. If they get their feelings hurt when they disregard our boundaries I say too bad. This is our first line of defense. We must not allow ourselves to get conned by these people and just assume the fault is with us.
     
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