Trying to help someone else in a meltdown- a bad idea?

[Noelle]

Hello again.

First, I'm wondering if anyone on this forum feels like you can recognise high-functioning AS and ASD in other adults, even if the person is a total stranger? If so, what markers does someone display that make you think they are also on the spectrum? How do you feel when you see them "acting out" or doing something that you just know will be frowned upon by the neurotypicals around them? Do you feel empathy? Frustration? Embarrassment? Anything?

Second, has anyone ever reached out to a person in the middle of a meltdown? I had this experience this week. A young woman was going through a pretty public meltdown, confounding the people who witnessed it and practically bringing me to tears. After sitting there for a few minutes trying to figure out whether or not I should attempt to get involved, I finally decided to try to speak to her.

I still don't know if this was the right thing to do. I just told her that I've been where she is and experience the same anxiety and frustration with communication and emotions, and that nobody else gets it. While my intentions were good, I worry that I might have made the situation worse in that moment. If it had been my meltdown, I might have been inclined to say: "piss off-- this is none of your business." Thankfully she didn't do this, but I still feel anxious over getting involved.

I'm not a counselor or psychologist. I'm new to the world of neurodiversity even though I've been on the spectrum my entire life. I have no idea how to behave in situations like this, but walking away and minding my own business during that incident felt very wrong to me. Thoughts? There probably is no exact answer to this...

 

[Judge]

I can only answer such a thing from my own perspective and experience with shutdowns.

That there's nothing another person can do, and that with the person experiencing such a thing, that it's simply a matter of letting it run its course. Best not to interfere.

Personally I've never felt that anyone could possibly "talk me out or down" of such an occurrence. That only time and solitude allow me to come out whole again.

 

[Bolletje]

For me, personally, meltdowns just get worse when someone else gets involved, even if they’re just trying to help me calm down.
Especially when the other person gets emotional, it makes me feel like I’m to blame for their feeling bad, which only makes me feel worse.

 

[AO1501]

In a meltdown, I need to be left alone. Any attempt by someone else to 'help' or intervene just makes it harder to maintain any remaining equilibrium, or regain it afterwards, and in the middle of the meltdown would add complications and confusions that would do anything but help.

The nearest that I think is generally ok would be to be close by, but not touching or speaking or in any way trying to intervene. If someone is near, I know they are there, and as long as they are not doing anything that impacts on me, they are not a problem. It is a fine line however between being present and being a problem.

If anyone has tried to speak to me, I can't really process what is being said, and it just makes things worse, because the meltdown is a result of overload, and the person has just added another element to that situation for me to try and handle.

 

[BraidedPony]

When I’m out in public I can get pretty stressed, but it’s a quiet going into myself thing where I get confused and my vision and hearing get distorted. I am very good at hiding my anxiety (I think!)
If during one of these things when I’m trying my best to hide my anxiety, then it would freak me out to have someone say they know what I’m going through.
But your situation was almost the opposite because the person was obviously upset. I know a lot more about shutdowns than meltdowns.
I have had, always women, talk to me with a slow calm voice about nothing important. It isn't until later that I wonder if they sensed I was anxious and wanted to help. And they did help! It sort of resets my brain, I can begin to think more clearly and either continue shopping or checkout with whatever is already in my cart.
I don’t think people realize how much a little kindness can make such a huge difference in my life. I’m too internally upset to say thank you at the time to these angels but I often think of them years later.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Either a friend or stranger, you need to know what you are trying to accomplish with your involvement. A lot of people need to let the rage out, so stopping the rage is negative interference. Kindness and support for the person's emotional state is a human gesture. But, acting out in public may be a sign of something seriously wrong. Medication, legal and otherwise, can prompt unreasonable outbursts. Whatever is happening, keep a calm atmosphere and demeanor. Beyond this, a professional needs to get involved. Let the person having the meltdown decide if they need help.

 

[Progster]

I think that if someone were to meltdown in my presence, I would give them some space until they calmed down, and then talk to them about what happened if they wanted to talk and thought it would help. I might help them to get to a calmer or more private place, if I thought it was appropiate.

For me, my reaction would depend on how the person handled it... if they were shouting or telling me to pull myself together or stop acting immature or to stop exaggerating or any of the other judgemental things people often say in these situations, it would only make the meltdown worse. If they were to suggest going outside for a bit, or sitting down in a quiet place away from people, or something like this to help me to remove myself from the situation and calm down, then that might be helpful.

I did once have a couple of (undiagnosed as far as I know) students who melted down... one with a Abba fixation, when she melted down, I played some Abba and that seemed to help because she calmed down. I didn't try to talk to her, though, it doesn't help.

Another one at the school: whenever she melted down in class, a member of staff would take her and guide her out of the classroom to a quiet, cool-off room on ther own, and when she was ready, she rejoined the class. No punishment for 'bad' behaviour, no judgement, just calmly removing her from the classroom with as little fuss as possible. I think that they handled it well.

 

[Mr Allen]

If someone is chucking a wobbly, I mean having a massive meltdown, they tend not to listen to anybody, I know that from experience, so leave them alone.

 

[disconnected]

I would say it’s an individual basis per episode. If I was freaking out and some dude said “hey man, I’m crazy too” it may help shake things off....but it may not too... I think it could go either way.

 

[Autistamatic]

In general terms, the only person I would be comfortable with, and might be calmed by in a meltdown, is my wife. I have never known anyone who understood me better and she is a very calming influence on me, helping me to understand the NT world all the time. As I always say, I am extremely lucky to have eventually found her.
When I meltdown it's rarely an angry outburst, it's usually me collapsing down muttering loudly to myself and bashing my head with my fists, sometimes cursing incoherently. I've also recently recognised an extreme form of meltdown when I just shut down - I start uncontrollably shaking, can't breathe properly and can barely speak.
Otherwise I have had 2 people in my life who tried to intervene when I was cracking up who actually helped (and plenty who made it worse).
Of those who helped, one (somebody I vaguely knew in a pub) just stepped in and told everyone to back off, stop staring, nothing to see here, give him some space, and then sat cross legged next to me until I started to come out of it. She then got me to a taxi and took me home.
The other one was a stranger who caught me just as I was tipping over the edge, took me by the shoulders and said "I know what's happening, come with me" and steered me out of the room into a corridor. She sat me down and told me she'd check on me in 20 minutes, which she did, by which time I'd come down a lot. I then left and walked home.
I'm not saying doing what those 2 ladies did for me would be right for everyone, but it was right for me at the time.

 

[Noelle]

Thanks all. I don't know if this woman has autism or not. It may have just been a panic or anxiety attack (not to trivialise this). I do feel I interfered. She's not a total stranger-- we have class together. I am wishing I had not done what I did. I have no idea how this will impact her moving forward, since we'll be seeing each other once a week at least for the next 14 weeks.

Appreciate the responses!

 

[AO1501]

Thanks all. I don't know if this woman has autism or not. It may have just been a panic or anxiety attack (not to trivialise this). I do feel I interfered. She's not a total stranger-- we have class together. I am wishing I had not done what I did. I have no idea how this will impact her moving forward, since we'll be seeing each other once a week at least for the next 14 weeks.

Appreciate the responses!

Regardless of what responses you have had here, you clearly acted as you did because you felt that it was in the best interest of this person, that you could help her in some way, even a small way, and it would benefit her.

This is not something to be upset or sad or to question whether you should or shouldn't, because you acted out of kindness and concern for another person. It is very rare that this would be a truly bad thing.

Also, from my experience, were anyone to intervene in a meltdown I was having, while it would likely not be of help to me at the time, I would understand it afterwards as an act of human kindness.

Having sought our views, you may opt to act differently in the future, and it is to your credit that you even asked. But I really don't think you should feel badly about what you did.

 

[Major Tom]

I learned from an early age with my son who has classic autism, that there is nothing I can do to stop the meltdown or to help, except for to do as another poster said and steer the gawkers and idiots aside, but otherwise leave the person alone that is melting down. Maybe after it has passed say "Are you OK?" And if the response is yes be on your way.
I totally understand the urge to help, because I feel it every time my son melts down, I just know now that he just needs to let out some emotion, and that's the only way he knows how to for now. My meltdowns are fairly minor and don't last long compared to some I've seen. One thing I learned from my own experience with meltdowns is the worst thing you can do is say something negative or accusatory.

 

[tducey]

Part of our training with our job last year was related to this. You should let a person be and only help them if they ask for it.

 

[Bolletje]

Thanks all. I don't know if this woman has autism or not. It may have just been a panic or anxiety attack (not to trivialise this). I do feel I interfered. She's not a total stranger-- we have class together. I am wishing I had not done what I did. I have no idea how this will impact her moving forward, since we'll be seeing each other once a week at least for the next 14 weeks.

Appreciate the responses!

I’m sure this person knows you meant to help. If people accidentally make my meltdowns worse, I don’t blame them for that, because I know they tried to help me. I just explain to them how to help me next time.

 

[SusanLR]

The nearest that I think is generally ok would be to be close by, but not touching or speaking or in any way trying to intervene. If someone is near, I know they are there, and as long as they are not doing anything that impacts on me, they are not a problem. It is a fine line however between being present and being a problem

This is how I've always felt.
Knowing someone is there that understands and is not giving advice like how I should be handling it
or how I am strong enough to pull out of it which sounds like the old shamey, shamey.
Just leave me alone but be there if I should ask for help.
It IS a fine line. I feel embaressment that I couldn't hide the anxiety, yet I feel the need for someone
to be there that I can trust not to judge.

Finding someone like that is difficult. Of course my Mom understood because she knew me
and everything about it. A professional that shows concern can be helpful as long as they aren't
touching me and trying to talk me out of it.

I would feel empathy for someone in a meltdown, shutdown or panic attack.
I might sit by them long enough to see if they displayed a want for someone to be there.

 

[Nemo]

I feel like I do have a bit of an "aspie sense" almost - sometimes I see people and see myself reflected back a bit I guess.

 

[OlLiE]

i find its hard to tell as many of us avoid crowds

trying to help me in meltdown is not good,

it requires an extra effort on my part to pretend to appreciate the effort and attempt to politely turn the offer of help down

all i want is to be left alone and not have to deal with anyone else

 

[Pats]

You should never feel bad for trying to help someone.
Because of my upbringing I learned control very quickly and no one would ever know I was having a meltdown unless they really knew me. I go more into a freeze, silence mode and literally can not move. It will be my insides cracking up. I sometimes wonder what they would find in there if they ever did an autopsy. I might be more inclined to recognize someone in a freeze mode since that's what I am more familiar with. Otherwise I am not very observant to what other people around me are doing. Not that I don't care - I just am not observant. I used to tell people I work with to tell me if they need my help because I will not notice or know if they do otherwise.

 

[Catana]

Even though it was well-intentioned, probably the worst thing you could have said was that you've been where she is and have experienced the same anxiety and frustration with communication and emotions. Because you didn't know where she was or what the cause of her meltdown was. It isn't a good idea to assume that someone is experiencing what you've experienced, especially if that person is a stranger.