• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Trying to be nice but not taken advantage of

Aspergers_Aspie

Well-Known Member
Does anyone else struggle with being nice/polite but not taken advantage of? Struggle with autistic masking? Not sure when people are being serious or not? I struggle with volunteering, work and study for these reasons and others, I also have mental health conditions and sleep problems, alertness and feeling exhausted are factors.
 
Being polite without allowing others to take advantage is definitely a hard problem.

For me, I have found that it helps to think in terms of "limit" - what am I willing to accept.

For example: a friend needs to borrow money, and I suspect my friend will probably forget to pay me back (not all friends are entirely reliable :) .

So I figure "my limit." I ask myself "How much am I willing to give to this person," on the assumption that the "loan" will actually be "a gift," which won't be repaid.

This way I can just give my needy friend some help, and then completely forget about it.

Knowing one's "limit" and not allowing one's self to be pushed beyond it, helps.
 
There will always be people in the world that will want to rip you off but if you lose your faith in humanity and become untrusting then they have succeeded in destroying your happiness.

"If you lend someone $50 and you never see that person again then it was $50 well spent."

In Aussie culture someone asking to borrow money is a definite red flag, we tend to have little respect for people that can't stand on their own two feet and sort their own problems out. Other than that it's about setting boundaries, lines that you will not cross and will not allow other people to cross. Consider your own time and commitments in exactly the same way as TBRS1 mentioned money, set yourself limits and if someone asks for more then the answer is No.
 
I have struggled with this my entire life. As I’ve mentioned so many times, I learned to be a people pleaser very early in life. Getting affirmation from others was my way of surviving much of the chaos happening in my head. For far too long, I took this way too far, and I have been taken advantage of many times in life.

I’ve gotten a lot better about not putting myself in those situations anymore. I am proud to say that this has not made me less willing to help and support others. Instead, I have put my energy into identifying people that are willing to take advantage and develop developing strong boundaries in those situations. I know for sure that there are people that I can trust to not take advantage of me, and I get a good feeling from being helpful toward others.

I certainly still have a lot more to learn in this area, but I have come a long way from being a very quiet doormat for people to wipe their feet on.
 
I can't think of any situations where people are trying to take advantage of me.

Maybe I appear to have no advantages to offer.

Sometimes people have asked me to read items they'd received in the mail because
they were having trouble making sense of them.
Now that I think about it, that nonsense with a relative expecting me
to sign over an insurance policy to them because they believed my mother should have
assigned it to them----that probably counts as trying to take advantage of me. I consulted two
lawyers and did not relinquish the policy. That was 10 years ago.
 
This issue reminds me in particular of forum members who have shared with me such concerns, and within their own family.

A sobering reality for some of us that may have family members who may or may not have good intentions in implying we are somehow not up to certain responsibilities. Something I had to struggle with as well some time back.
 
Last edited:
Does anyone else struggle with being nice/polite but not taken advantage of? Struggle with autistic masking? Not sure when people are being serious or not? I struggle with volunteering, work and study for these reasons and others, I also have mental health conditions and sleep problems, alertness and feeling exhausted are factors.
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Sometimes

1. It usually presents itself with door-to-door sales people. After years of trying to be polite, listening to their sales pitch whilst not really interested and wishing them to leave, but every now and again me being duped into a purchase, I make my wife interact with them. I no longer answer the door. I no longer answer phone calls.

2. I am of the mind that even those who fool themselves into thinking they mask well, probably don't do it as well as they think they do. They are still marginalized and pushed to the periphery.

3. Discerning "intent" can be difficult, especially when there are efforts to hide or mislead. If anyone isn't picking up all the subtle nuances of verbal and non-verbal communication, it's easy to be made the fool.
 
There are no social police to arrest you, so technically, you don't have to be anything at all except neutral. You don't owe anybody anything. I have told myself, you don't pay my bills, or rent, l have zero obligation to complete strangers.
It's survival of the strongest on the planet, don't forget this.
 
I always try to be polite, and I always want to help people when I can.

I absolutely have been taken advantage of. Once that becomes clear, I no longer interact with that person, so it's a self-limiting problem.

I would rather have a little advantage be taken of me than I miss the opportunity to be a genuine help to someone.
 
I'm ok at standing up for myself, and can surprise people when I don't put up with their nonsense, but deep inside I love making people happy and can totally miss it when people take advantage of me.
 
I've had people try to take advantage of me but as soon as I began saying no they didn't like it and turned on me, using the highly insulting catchphrases people like to throw at me when they're not getting their own way, two of my favourite (worst) ones being "stop whining" and "grow up", I hate those said to me when I'm not whining or not being babyish. Those phrases are usually a way of saying "do what I say!"

Like when I had this "friend" one time who was rather bossy and abrupt, she began telling me to "stop whining" whenever I opened my mouth. One time she demanded I paid for her lunch. I had to politely say no because I only had enough money on me for my lunch and that wasn't the first time she'd got me to buy her things with my money. I knew she was just trying to take advantage of me, so I had to stand my ground. I wasn't "whining" in the least but she kept saying I was.

In fact so many people have told me to stop whining so often when I'm just being matter of fact, that it's kind of lost all meaning to me now and whenever it's said to me for expressing my feelings it makes my blood boil. It reminds me of being that whiny little 8-year-old I once was, where I literally did often talk in a high whiny sort of tone as a way of expressing myself, like most kiddies do. But I'm 34 years old now and I know how to regulate my tone of voice to not sound whiny but still not be afraid to express myself, so I don't want people to keep saying those two damn words to me.
 
Yes. It's been a long journey and one I'm still on. I don't think I'm being taken advantage of at this point but I have to remain vigilant as I am a kind autist and still niave at 52. I catch myself believing what people say to me and that isn't always appropriate or safe. I wish I was less socially inclined but these days I am making lots of efforts socially and I moved to a city but am yet to be kept "out of trouble" with a paid job. I wish I wasn't so social because of having to be so vigilant to keep myself from over use and abuse, as I have suffered a lot from those things in the past, but, the truth of the matter is; I genuinely care about people, love being kind to people and enjoy deep and real connections with people.
 
Yes, when I am nice and helpfull people may understand that I am being nice beyond normality and thus can be used. Like I have downgraded myself.

For me, I have found that it helps to think in terms of "limit" - what am I willing to accept.

So instead of using my own "limits" that are not "normal" I try to reflect other people limits that are normal.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom