whatJimhasbecome
Active Member
I had a meltdown today. Eventho she wasn't there to witness it, when I told my lady, N, she ended up calling me crazy.
Being called crazy is nothing new. Been called crazy ever since junior high. My relatives have told me I'm crazy. Oh well, right?
She, N, has seen me in very weird moods. Times when I'm hiding in the dark...times when I'm pretty much dissociated...times when the anger flows outward and I just want to break things. The only good thing I can say about it all is that I've never raised my voice at anyone. Anyway, we spent the night not talking to each other...even when we were at the movies. I was livid but how is she not right if everybody says I'm nuts? I remember being in the theater wanting anyone to say the wrong thing to me. I had visions of throwing someone thru a display. My mind had clicked over...like: If you wanna see crazy, N, I'll show you crazy. Yet, I never act on my violent urges. On many levels I think that's why I have meltdowns. Doctors say not to keep things bottled up. It can lead to all sorts of health problems.
I think that I'm too far gone. I've accepted this aspie-burden but it feels like the world isn't made for me. I can handle being alone, but I don't get to be alone all the time. I have to go out in public. I have to work. These situations only serve to remind me that finding humanal semblance in this life is impossible. N is a NT. Brilliant photographer, but still an NT. We've been together almost 2 years...In the beginning, we talked. My quirks were understandable. Yet, over time, I find the things going on in my mind are too complex to explain to her. When I try, it confuses and/or upsets her.
Sidetrack, my brother gets angry with me when I talk about things...just regular things like the weather or politics or sports. I have considered pretty much all the basic life-stuff on a hugely profound level, apparently, and he resents me for it. He thinks I'm talking down to him.
Back to the topic at hand...N gets really fed up when I talk about things because I get really worked up, really easily. I try to explain that my brain is on hyper-drive 24/7 and that what may seem like me getting worked up is only the tip of the iceberg, but people can't even fathom that. It could be something as simple as having a negative opinion about the ethics of modern tv journalists but she can't handle it. Yet, the movie we went and seen outright bashed the ethical choices tv journalists and she laughed.
Okay, I'm not funny. I may think I think like a disgruntled stand-up comedian, but I'm not funny. I should just take a vow of silence and never type out my thoughts but doing what I ought to is really, really subjective.
It all kinda boils over, ya know? Most of the time I don't let anything bother me. Everyone is preposterous and I get to laugh at everyone in secret. But, it does bother me and denial has its limitations. It always hits me really hard. The lack of semblance amongst common humans, the overbearing uncertainty and instability that is my life....I can't explain that. I'd have to pay a shrink no less than 2 dollars a minute to listen to my deepest concerns. N can't follow me. Every now and again, she'll indulge me...but it's more like she's just listening to me talk...like those nights new lovers spend laying on the grass staring at the sky philosophizing everything that comes into mind.
When N is gone at work or wherever, I idealize her. You may say not to, but there's a thin line between thinking and idealizing. In fact, I'm pretty sure that idealizing is a form of thinking. Anyway...I look at her pictures and think about both good and bad times but when she comes home, she's nowhere near the person I thought she'd be. It's not a question of more or less, no. It's more like: I want her to cognitively grow as much as I do. I want her to have profound things to say but it's just stories about her job and then she gets lazy on the couch. We eat dinner. Sometimes we go out. It's like I'm trapped in a middle-class hell. I'm always thinking: This is all that life is?
You might say I should just split with her. Call it quits. Throw in the towel. Thing is: Every relationship I've ever had that lasted longer than a couple weeks feels this way. Utterly boring rigmarole. How am I to cope with banality? I feel that it exacerbates my meltdowns. I can only hold back so much. Yes, I can mingle with those with regular speed brains but after so long my mind starts sprinting. That kind of sprinting where when you stop it feels like your heart's gonna explode. Yet, my mind doesn't stop...my mind-heart will never explode.
I need stimulus. I need a windfall. I need a really amazing life-moment to happen soon. We only get a few in our lives. I haven't had one in forever. I doubt I had one in my twenties. I was raised in a lower-middle class family. On many levels, I am okay with sitting around playing cards or watching tv. Yet, on many other levels, I want a life worth living. Sorry everyone, being poor and disgruntled sucks and isn't worth doing. There's only so long you can live paycheck to paycheck and not be an idiot before it's just not enough. No, I don't want to go see some flick where super-rich actors entertain me for $9. It gets to a point where I see thru everything. All is a ruse and you can't convince me otherwise. I'm not paranoid.
Just crazy...ha.
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I wonder if it's all N's fault. She's the one that refuses to learn anything about Asperger's. She's the one that doesn't want to listen. But, no one does. Even in this forum setting, it's not like talking to a person. Not only that, but my social apprehension comes into play and stops me from checking on my notifications.
It seems that there is a place beyond your wit's end. It's "crazier". Problem is that you have to wait around for a really long time for the door to open...so you just stay there at your wit's end like some sort of dummy. No one notices you standing there. Even if a NT seen you at your wit's end, they'd deny that you were there...as if it's some concocted other-dimension.
I'm just in a state of overwhelming, existential uncertainty...in a world where I can't afford to do what a rich person would. Life is not a cartoon, unfortunately.
Being called crazy is nothing new. Been called crazy ever since junior high. My relatives have told me I'm crazy. Oh well, right?
She, N, has seen me in very weird moods. Times when I'm hiding in the dark...times when I'm pretty much dissociated...times when the anger flows outward and I just want to break things. The only good thing I can say about it all is that I've never raised my voice at anyone. Anyway, we spent the night not talking to each other...even when we were at the movies. I was livid but how is she not right if everybody says I'm nuts? I remember being in the theater wanting anyone to say the wrong thing to me. I had visions of throwing someone thru a display. My mind had clicked over...like: If you wanna see crazy, N, I'll show you crazy. Yet, I never act on my violent urges. On many levels I think that's why I have meltdowns. Doctors say not to keep things bottled up. It can lead to all sorts of health problems.
I think that I'm too far gone. I've accepted this aspie-burden but it feels like the world isn't made for me. I can handle being alone, but I don't get to be alone all the time. I have to go out in public. I have to work. These situations only serve to remind me that finding humanal semblance in this life is impossible. N is a NT. Brilliant photographer, but still an NT. We've been together almost 2 years...In the beginning, we talked. My quirks were understandable. Yet, over time, I find the things going on in my mind are too complex to explain to her. When I try, it confuses and/or upsets her.
Sidetrack, my brother gets angry with me when I talk about things...just regular things like the weather or politics or sports. I have considered pretty much all the basic life-stuff on a hugely profound level, apparently, and he resents me for it. He thinks I'm talking down to him.
Back to the topic at hand...N gets really fed up when I talk about things because I get really worked up, really easily. I try to explain that my brain is on hyper-drive 24/7 and that what may seem like me getting worked up is only the tip of the iceberg, but people can't even fathom that. It could be something as simple as having a negative opinion about the ethics of modern tv journalists but she can't handle it. Yet, the movie we went and seen outright bashed the ethical choices tv journalists and she laughed.
Okay, I'm not funny. I may think I think like a disgruntled stand-up comedian, but I'm not funny. I should just take a vow of silence and never type out my thoughts but doing what I ought to is really, really subjective.
It all kinda boils over, ya know? Most of the time I don't let anything bother me. Everyone is preposterous and I get to laugh at everyone in secret. But, it does bother me and denial has its limitations. It always hits me really hard. The lack of semblance amongst common humans, the overbearing uncertainty and instability that is my life....I can't explain that. I'd have to pay a shrink no less than 2 dollars a minute to listen to my deepest concerns. N can't follow me. Every now and again, she'll indulge me...but it's more like she's just listening to me talk...like those nights new lovers spend laying on the grass staring at the sky philosophizing everything that comes into mind.
When N is gone at work or wherever, I idealize her. You may say not to, but there's a thin line between thinking and idealizing. In fact, I'm pretty sure that idealizing is a form of thinking. Anyway...I look at her pictures and think about both good and bad times but when she comes home, she's nowhere near the person I thought she'd be. It's not a question of more or less, no. It's more like: I want her to cognitively grow as much as I do. I want her to have profound things to say but it's just stories about her job and then she gets lazy on the couch. We eat dinner. Sometimes we go out. It's like I'm trapped in a middle-class hell. I'm always thinking: This is all that life is?
You might say I should just split with her. Call it quits. Throw in the towel. Thing is: Every relationship I've ever had that lasted longer than a couple weeks feels this way. Utterly boring rigmarole. How am I to cope with banality? I feel that it exacerbates my meltdowns. I can only hold back so much. Yes, I can mingle with those with regular speed brains but after so long my mind starts sprinting. That kind of sprinting where when you stop it feels like your heart's gonna explode. Yet, my mind doesn't stop...my mind-heart will never explode.
I need stimulus. I need a windfall. I need a really amazing life-moment to happen soon. We only get a few in our lives. I haven't had one in forever. I doubt I had one in my twenties. I was raised in a lower-middle class family. On many levels, I am okay with sitting around playing cards or watching tv. Yet, on many other levels, I want a life worth living. Sorry everyone, being poor and disgruntled sucks and isn't worth doing. There's only so long you can live paycheck to paycheck and not be an idiot before it's just not enough. No, I don't want to go see some flick where super-rich actors entertain me for $9. It gets to a point where I see thru everything. All is a ruse and you can't convince me otherwise. I'm not paranoid.
Just crazy...ha.
-----
I wonder if it's all N's fault. She's the one that refuses to learn anything about Asperger's. She's the one that doesn't want to listen. But, no one does. Even in this forum setting, it's not like talking to a person. Not only that, but my social apprehension comes into play and stops me from checking on my notifications.
It seems that there is a place beyond your wit's end. It's "crazier". Problem is that you have to wait around for a really long time for the door to open...so you just stay there at your wit's end like some sort of dummy. No one notices you standing there. Even if a NT seen you at your wit's end, they'd deny that you were there...as if it's some concocted other-dimension.
I'm just in a state of overwhelming, existential uncertainty...in a world where I can't afford to do what a rich person would. Life is not a cartoon, unfortunately.