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To date a NT, or not to date a NT...

whatJimhasbecome

Active Member
I had a meltdown today. Eventho she wasn't there to witness it, when I told my lady, N, she ended up calling me crazy.

Being called crazy is nothing new. Been called crazy ever since junior high. My relatives have told me I'm crazy. Oh well, right?
She, N, has seen me in very weird moods. Times when I'm hiding in the dark...times when I'm pretty much dissociated...times when the anger flows outward and I just want to break things. The only good thing I can say about it all is that I've never raised my voice at anyone. Anyway, we spent the night not talking to each other...even when we were at the movies. I was livid but how is she not right if everybody says I'm nuts? I remember being in the theater wanting anyone to say the wrong thing to me. I had visions of throwing someone thru a display. My mind had clicked over...like: If you wanna see crazy, N, I'll show you crazy. Yet, I never act on my violent urges. On many levels I think that's why I have meltdowns. Doctors say not to keep things bottled up. It can lead to all sorts of health problems.

I think that I'm too far gone. I've accepted this aspie-burden but it feels like the world isn't made for me. I can handle being alone, but I don't get to be alone all the time. I have to go out in public. I have to work. These situations only serve to remind me that finding humanal semblance in this life is impossible. N is a NT. Brilliant photographer, but still an NT. We've been together almost 2 years...In the beginning, we talked. My quirks were understandable. Yet, over time, I find the things going on in my mind are too complex to explain to her. When I try, it confuses and/or upsets her.

Sidetrack, my brother gets angry with me when I talk about things...just regular things like the weather or politics or sports. I have considered pretty much all the basic life-stuff on a hugely profound level, apparently, and he resents me for it. He thinks I'm talking down to him.

Back to the topic at hand...N gets really fed up when I talk about things because I get really worked up, really easily. I try to explain that my brain is on hyper-drive 24/7 and that what may seem like me getting worked up is only the tip of the iceberg, but people can't even fathom that. It could be something as simple as having a negative opinion about the ethics of modern tv journalists but she can't handle it. Yet, the movie we went and seen outright bashed the ethical choices tv journalists and she laughed.

Okay, I'm not funny. I may think I think like a disgruntled stand-up comedian, but I'm not funny. I should just take a vow of silence and never type out my thoughts but doing what I ought to is really, really subjective.

It all kinda boils over, ya know? Most of the time I don't let anything bother me. Everyone is preposterous and I get to laugh at everyone in secret. But, it does bother me and denial has its limitations. It always hits me really hard. The lack of semblance amongst common humans, the overbearing uncertainty and instability that is my life....I can't explain that. I'd have to pay a shrink no less than 2 dollars a minute to listen to my deepest concerns. N can't follow me. Every now and again, she'll indulge me...but it's more like she's just listening to me talk...like those nights new lovers spend laying on the grass staring at the sky philosophizing everything that comes into mind.

When N is gone at work or wherever, I idealize her. You may say not to, but there's a thin line between thinking and idealizing. In fact, I'm pretty sure that idealizing is a form of thinking. Anyway...I look at her pictures and think about both good and bad times but when she comes home, she's nowhere near the person I thought she'd be. It's not a question of more or less, no. It's more like: I want her to cognitively grow as much as I do. I want her to have profound things to say but it's just stories about her job and then she gets lazy on the couch. We eat dinner. Sometimes we go out. It's like I'm trapped in a middle-class hell. I'm always thinking: This is all that life is?

You might say I should just split with her. Call it quits. Throw in the towel. Thing is: Every relationship I've ever had that lasted longer than a couple weeks feels this way. Utterly boring rigmarole. How am I to cope with banality? I feel that it exacerbates my meltdowns. I can only hold back so much. Yes, I can mingle with those with regular speed brains but after so long my mind starts sprinting. That kind of sprinting where when you stop it feels like your heart's gonna explode. Yet, my mind doesn't stop...my mind-heart will never explode.

I need stimulus. I need a windfall. I need a really amazing life-moment to happen soon. We only get a few in our lives. I haven't had one in forever. I doubt I had one in my twenties. I was raised in a lower-middle class family. On many levels, I am okay with sitting around playing cards or watching tv. Yet, on many other levels, I want a life worth living. Sorry everyone, being poor and disgruntled sucks and isn't worth doing. There's only so long you can live paycheck to paycheck and not be an idiot before it's just not enough. No, I don't want to go see some flick where super-rich actors entertain me for $9. It gets to a point where I see thru everything. All is a ruse and you can't convince me otherwise. I'm not paranoid.

Just crazy...ha.

-----

I wonder if it's all N's fault. She's the one that refuses to learn anything about Asperger's. She's the one that doesn't want to listen. But, no one does. Even in this forum setting, it's not like talking to a person. Not only that, but my social apprehension comes into play and stops me from checking on my notifications.

It seems that there is a place beyond your wit's end. It's "crazier". Problem is that you have to wait around for a really long time for the door to open...so you just stay there at your wit's end like some sort of dummy. No one notices you standing there. Even if a NT seen you at your wit's end, they'd deny that you were there...as if it's some concocted other-dimension.

I'm just in a state of overwhelming, existential uncertainty...in a world where I can't afford to do what a rich person would. Life is not a cartoon, unfortunately.
 
Well I can sympathize. I've been married decades, and we don't have a thing to talk about. Seems not to have worked, at this point, except for the kids who are great So much of what you wrote, I could have written. If it helps you to know, I feel less a freak reading stuff like that on these forums. Out in the world, I feel like a different, inferior species with nothing to offer, and no chance of achieving my dreams (which are crazy, anyway). At least I feel like I belong here and there are people here like me. No easy solutions, but we're in the same ******, leaky boat.
 
Jim (I take it that is your name), I haven't been officially diagnosed. I came here thinking that someone else had Aspergers and I wanted to know more, but I have a lot of similarities. I could be an NT or I could be an Aspie. Idk. Anyway, what I know is that I kinda have the same way of thinking - I don't know how people can stay with the same person for so long? Don't they get boring and become like an old shoe? Anyway, if you were married I wouldn't say this, but it sounds like you're not. So....I think you need some time to live by yourself and do what they call "finding yourself". I think you might be going through a "phase" as I know I used to be very angry before, but now that I know what I want, have a decent job, and have been by myself for about 7 yrs, I'm not angry anymore because I'm more in control over what happens to me. If I want someone in my life, it's because I'm making that choice; but I will not settle and have life happen to me. Taking a break doesn't mean you can't go back to that relationship. Think about it. You may also find some of your answers here on this site with other Aspies. I've met some great people here. Good luck! Angie
 
First of all, I'm sorry you're having difficulties with your girlfriend.

Secondly, don't write off counseling, because I could see you benefiting from it. Yes, it can be expensive, but I feel the benefits far outweigh the costs.

Imagining yourself in some grand struggle between people on the spectrum and people who aren't is probably a large part of your problem. You absolutely cannot expect people to have profound thoughts about life and the universe, etc. all the time. It doesn't make them stupid or less worthy of your time or mean that they must not care. People want to have conversations about the weather and about sports and politics. I've gotten frustrated with people too---I think about human suffering and the possible fate of the world a lot and it causes me a great deal of emotional stress, so when I hear other people just talking about the latest shoes or what have you, sometimes I want to shout at them and say "Don't you know what's going on in (pick a place)? Don't you care?"

But the thing to remember is that there are people who care. Even the shoe-talkers must care about something huge. I just don't know what it is.

All the "profound thoughts" can't be at the forefront of everyone's mind all the time. We would all go crazy. What we have to do about these thoughts is find a productive outlet for them. I'm currently working as an intern with an organization working against gun violence. It's still very small-scale compared to the things I think about the world, but we have to start somewhere. And as hard as my coworkers and I work, we stop to have casual chats now and then. We laugh and joke about things, and go get lunch together. If we didn't give ourselves a break from the latest news about a school shooting, we would all run around screaming and crying all day and never get anything done.

Do I think the world at large needs to worry and think about its various issues more often? Absolutely. But there have to be organized plans in place to address them. You can look at abused animals or starving children on the TV all day long and go "Woe is me," but that doesn't help them. That's why there are charitable organizations collecting money for them.

Oh, boy. Sorry if I've gone off on a tangent.

I don't think it's necessarily your girlfriend's fault either. Should she want to learn more about you and the things you deal with? I think so. But boiling complex relationship issues down to finger-pointing won't find solutions. I don't think the issue is that you're on the spectrum and she isn't. My boyfriend isn't autistic and I can talk to him more easily than anyone else. You just have to find better ways to communicate.

I need stimulus. I need a windfall. I need a really amazing life-moment to happen soon. We only get a few in our lives. I haven't had one in forever. I doubt I had one in my twenties. I was raised in a lower-middle class family. On many levels, I am okay with sitting around playing cards or watching tv. Yet, on many other levels, I want a life worth living. Sorry everyone, being poor and disgruntled sucks and isn't worth doing. There's only so long you can live paycheck to paycheck and not be an idiot before it's just not enough. No, I don't want to go see some flick where super-rich actors entertain me for $9. It gets to a point where I see thru everything. All is a ruse and you can't convince me otherwise. I'm not paranoid.

Well, you can either sit around wishing for something to happen or you can get out there and make it happen yourself. Trust me. I'm working on making my life happen right now. It's not easy, but I prefer it to aimless wishing. Wishing doesn't do anything---we have to do it.
 
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@OP: Basically, if you find real life too boring then live in a fantasy. Your apathy towards others should let you feel free to do whatever you want so have fun breaking social boundaries and laughing about it. Become an irl troll. Trust me it's fun.

just try not to break the law while your at it. (1/2 joke) But if you dig private laughs then there's nothing wrong with stirring up a little tom foolery. *mischievous grin*
 
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*edit that apathy to lack of ability to relate socially which in turn could lead to an apathetic disregard right?

oh and have you read the Artemis fowl series?
 
*rereads what i posted* what? omg . . . never posting after taking my bedtime meds ever again.

ok what I was trying to say with my initial response is that . . . *head begins to droop* idk something about a peterpan complex. Like, life is what you make it and if your finding it boring then go have an adventure. can't find one? make one up. specialized custom fit. it's all about having a risky attitude.

oh and obviously that was more in response to your views on life not your relationship.
 
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Alright so I've been thinking about you (Yes you whatjimhasbecome). You and your troubles.

So, from what I've gathered about you is that you like to view the world in a certain way. From a more intellectual stand point.

I can actually relate to this (I think) but a little differently. I like to view the world from the lens of my imagination. I like to make up pictures in my head and pretend like they are real. or maybe not real ,real but, the point is is this makes me happy, just as your intellect would seem to make you happy. At least you entertain it, is my point.

But the only issue is is that I think this is inhibiting you from forming better relationships- not the fact that you have an intellectual perspective on things, but that (and I apologize if I am wrong about this; feel free to disregard this if it is, well I mean that's up to you anyway but . . . ) you seem to value other people in your life only so far as they stack up to your interests. which is fundamentally problematic because- not everyone is so intellectually oriented as well as, intellect is often a private ordeal, kept in ones head. You seem like you'd be happiest in the philosophy department of some university, which btw if that's your thing then go for it man. But, it's . .. not healthy just think that your interests determine another persons value. Maybe subjectively but objectively do you see where this is flawed? Like, it's like your literally putting yourself at the center of the universe.

So my advice to you would be to try going outside yourself. Try putting yourself in another's shoes, think of it like a mental experiment and even stupid things you know that aren't true will start to take on new meaning. Give your self over to things you used to disregard as stupid and then, who knows what new meaning you could find in them. But thinking your way of seeing things is like the only way worthwhile - that's just not true. Realize each person is like an entire world- go exploring.
 
Do. :)

As long as it's an NT that wants to understand you more and learn about Aspergers. (Also, you (Aspie) need to do your part in learning more about NT's and their needs.)
 
I'm also with nurseangela. If the NT truly accepts you, cool. I'd like to try dating someone on the spectrum though.
 
I was just diagnosed last week, told her, and she could not deal with it. Even though it explained the social awkwardness, she started looking at me like some flawed specimen.
 
I was just diagnosed last week, told her, and she could not deal with it. Even though it explained the social awkwardness, she started looking at me like some flawed specimen.

Then I'm sorry to say it, but she's not worth your time. I wouldn't give her another thought.
I was wanting to ask what kind of problems did you two have?
 
Oh, okay. I felt she was being cold and sometimes too critical. She complained that it seems like I lack motivation or ambition. You're right, we were worlds apart and the irony is, I feel relieved.
 
Communication was an issue because she didn't seem to be very understanding. I thought she would take the news better as her ex had PTSD. I thought she would really understand imperfection.
 
I just went through the thought experiment of what it would really mean to try to be with a NT. That does indeed seem stressful. I will stick with aspie. Why? Here is, in part, what came to mind: NTs are like that old game of pacman, gobbling up little balls of non-verbal ego-adjusting, social ranking body language packets. If we cannot feed them those packets one after another, they are rather uncomfortable. And we trade, in contrast, in information. We eat up information. They work up lathers of soapy feelings...for what? For the sake of it, is what. We, when seeing this bubbly mess of wonder twins-esque emotional charge up, look for what information is being conveyed. But the information is not the point. Not their point. For us, emotional language is a step on the way to information. For them, information is just a step on the way to feelingpalooza.
 
Communication was an issue because she didn't seem to be very understanding. I thought she would take the news better as her ex had PTSD. I thought she would really understand imperfection.

Can you be a little more specific on the communication problems? Did you just not understand social things or were you having arguments? And would you tell the next person you date that you're an Aspie?
 
I wanted desperately to please so I tried to avoid arguments. It was social things and memory. I wasn't really good at interpreting her needs. I even asked her to simply communicate your needs and I would happily try to full fill them.

It didn't help that I learned later in the relationship that I'm an Aspie. I think I would lean towards disclosing my disability although I just don't know. Good question...
 

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