To date a NT, or not to date a NT...

[Mattymatt]

I just went through the thought experiment of what it would really mean to try to be with a NT. That does indeed seem stressful. I will stick with aspie. Why? Here is, in part, what came to mind: NTs are like that old game of pacman, gobbling up little balls of non-verbal ego-adjusting, social ranking body language packets. If we cannot feed them those packets one after another, they are rather uncomfortable. And we trade, in contrast, in information. We eat up information. They work up lathers of soapy feelings...for what? For the sake of it, is what. We, when seeing this bubbly mess of wonder twins-esque emotional charge up, look for what information is being conveyed. But the information is not the point. Not their point. For us, emotional language is a step on the way to information. For them, information is just a step on the way to feelingpalooza.

Heh! Don't know if I could've summed that up better m'self.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I wanted desperately to please so I tried to avoid arguments. It was social things and memory. I wasn't really good at interpreting her needs. I even asked her to simply communicate your needs and I would happily try to full fill them.

It didn't help that I learned later in the relationship that I'm an Aspie. I think I would lean towards disclosing my disability although I just don't know. Good question...

I disagree with 2aspirin. There are NT's that are understandable about certain things such as Aspergers - you just have to find them and they have to know what they are dealing with. I didn't know anything about Aspergers, but I was and am willing to learn and now that I know more I'm much more understanding. I would like to think its not just because I'm a nurse, but part of my acceptance and understanding may be because I'm around so many people with different issues. I don't see Aspergers as a disability really - I see being an Aspie as having a different way of thinking and socializing. I don't know what it's like to be around an Aspie that has stims, but NTs do some of the same things (I bite my lower lip when I'm stressed and its now going on 6 yrs - two of my teeth have actually been ground down.). I also am not sure what meltdowns are, but if they're about a lot of anger and aggression I would not put up with that - from anyone.
The only way, though, that I could be understanding is by knowing the other person is an Aspie. I laugh at it now, but when I first came to this site I remember saying a lot "My that was a rude thing for them to say." Now I'm getting better at not taking things personally, but I still have my moments. Coming from an NT, I believe (for myself) it would help greatly to know someone is an Aspie from the very beginning.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I just went through the thought experiment of what it would really mean to try to be with a NT. That does indeed seem stressful. I will stick with aspie. Why? Here is, in part, what came to mind: NTs are like that old game of pacman, gobbling up little balls of non-verbal ego-adjusting, social ranking body language packets. If we cannot feed them those packets one after another, they are rather uncomfortable. And we trade, in contrast, in information. We eat up information. They work up lathers of soapy feelings...for what? For the sake of it, is what. We, when seeing this bubbly mess of wonder twins-esque emotional charge up, look for what information is being conveyed. But the information is not the point. Not their point. For us, emotional language is a step on the way to information. For them, information is just a step on the way to feelingpalooza.

I don't get any of that. What does it mean?

 

[Ereth]

What I think 2aspirin means is: "NTs crave social status and social interaction. Aspies prefer what is not especially social, and will only engage in socializing when it's beneficial to them."

I don't necessarily agree with this, by the way. I'm just trying to translate.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

What I think 2aspirin means is: "NTs crave social status and social interaction. Aspies prefer what is not especially social, and will only engage in socializing when it's beneficial to them."

I don't necessarily agree with this, by the way. I'm just trying to translate.

Thank you, Ereth. I reread it several times and finally got out if it that NT's feel too much, is that right? What in the heck is a "bubbly mess of wonder twins-esque emotional charge up"? Is twins-esque even a word?

 

[Ereth]

What I got from it is that compared to Aspies, NTs require more emotional input (though this is a generalization and ought to be avoided).

That post is full of clashing comparisons of NTs to Pac-Man, soap, and the Wonder Twins from Super Friends, which is why you were confused.

 

[Mattymatt]

I'm just confused about dating period ... one day I suppose I'll get it

 

[Judge]

I'm just confused about dating period ... one day I suppose I'll get it

It never confused me. I've just avoided it as much as possible, along with most any other ritualistic behavior short of memorial services for people who really helped me in life.

I make friends first...lovers later. Without all the issues of contrived socialization and unnecessary rituals that goes with dating.

 

[2aspirin]

What I got from it is that compared to Aspies, NTs require more emotional input (though this is a generalization and ought to be avoided).

That post is full of clashing comparisons of NTs to Pac-Man, soap, and the Wonder Twins from Super Friends, which is why you were confused.

Heh heh. It was a confusing post, to be sure. Just a set of mixed bad metaphors to illustrate my impression. I suspect some will get it though. I will come back and articulate my thoughts on this much better sometime soon. I believe we (aspies and nts) all have immense amounts in common in our internal lives and capacity for empathy, sensitivity and emotion. But the things to which out nervous systems sync up are quite different...and so communication is quite different. Communication can appear to imply different values (ranking people versus not) but I think this is a natural offshoot of socializing upon receiving different inputs. Let me reach for an analogy here: deaf people are not talkative but it does not mean they devalue or judge talking per se. It is just not as available to them as a form of expression because the input (to hear the spoken word in the first place) is not available.

As to wonder twins...

The Wonder Twins reference:

Wonder Twins - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

...served as an analogy to a power that transfers upon a certain action, a certain syncing up.

 

[2aspirin]

I don't get any of that. What does it mean?

I will take a shot at a more serious analysis some time. I have to think about it some more. But I will share at least some other thoughts here: No, I do not mean NTs feel too much. I just mean the expressiveness is a result of having a sense that we aspies are lacking. And sometimes our own sense of this sort, seated in the basal ganglia function of the brain, is turned toward other things other than what is the normal variety of wiring. For example, neurotypicals often yawn easily when seeing someone else yawn. They also adjust body position in conversations without even thinking about it and smile when others smile. It is automatic. For me, I get involuntary rhythmic muscle motions, blinking middle ear myoclonus and a variety of other involuntary reactions to certain signals around me such as a frequency of sound, a light pulse frequency, strobe from ceiling fans, colors...on and on. It is a powerful phenomenon. When I realize that NTs have their own set of USEFUL spontaneous movements and reactions to social, non-verbal cues, I am in awe. I realize what I am missing by imagining what it would be like for my abnormal sensory processing and basal ganglia function to be directed toward the things it is supposed to be directed to instead of stuff like ceiling fans in motion.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I will take a shot at a more serious analysis some time. I have to think about it some more. But I will share at least some other thoughts here: No, I do not mean NTs feel too much. I just mean the expressiveness is a result of having a sense that we aspies are lacking. And sometimes our own sense of this sort, seated in the basal ganglia function of the brain, is turned toward other things other than what is the normal variety of wiring. For example, neurotypicals often yawn easily when seeing someone else yawn. They also adjust body position in conversations without even thinking about it and smile when others smile. It is automatic. For me, I get involuntary rhythmic muscle motions, blinking middle ear myoclonus and a variety of other involuntary reactions to certain signals around me such as a frequency of sound, a light pulse frequency, strobe from ceiling fans, colors...on and on. It is a powerful phenomenon. When I realize that NTs have their own set of USEFUL spontaneous movements and reactions to social, non-verbal cues, I am in awe. I realize what I am missing by imagining what it would be like for my abnormal sensory processing and basal ganglia function to be directed toward the things it is supposed to be directed to instead of stuff like ceiling fans in motion.

Very interesting!
About NTs copying another persons body position is very true. And some NTs KNOW its true and it can be used to get the other person to like you (as a subliminal message so to speak).

I'm actually trying to get some answers now in the "NT And Aspie Communication" thread regarding feelings since how NTs and Aspies convey feelings is very different and causes a lot of communication issues in relationships. I'd like to hear more about your thoughts on the subject.

 

[Tyler Ford]

I know I'm a little young to rant on about this, but for me, the relationships I have been in have been disastrous, possibly catastrophic. It sounds like the NT's I have been with (which hasn't been much) want to take advantage of me and use me like a dirty cleaning rag. I hate when people don't understand me. I know I'm eccentric but like other people, I have feelings too and I have already dealt with tons of stress in my life from family to school, home, and out in public. I wish I could have some "alone" time where I could just listen to music but being on this site has gotten me out of my shell, so to speak. I feel like you guys can understand me more than other NT's do.

 

[Judge]

I wish I could have some "alone" time where I could just listen to music but being on this site has gotten me out of my shell, so to speak. I feel like you guys can understand me more than other NT's do.

Good to hear. However just understand we still value that "alone time" every bit as much as yourself.

And that when it comes to relationships with NTs, it can often easily be misunderstood by them. At least that's been my experience with all the NTs I had relationships with. They took my routine need for solitude personally, which ultimately strained the relationship.

We need not apologize to anyone for such traits, but we do have to be aware of them for our own good and for those within our social orbit who might not so easily understand.

 

[Tyler Ford]

I know you do. Being an Aspie teen can be difficult due to the stereotypical nature of high school and trying to "fit in" with the crowd. I've tried passing off as normal and everyone seems to think I'm a phony bologna. Yeah, sometimes they just don't understand our need for solitude and solace. I usually try to keep a vigilant eye in a relationship because I don't know the other person's intentions.

 

[Randomperson]

I can not eat social status, it will not keep me warm in the winter or cool in the summer, it will not shelter me from storms. This social status thing has no value.

 

[Sass]

I've been with my NT husband for 13 years. I don't know that any of the problems we've had have been based on our differing neurology, they seem mainly to be based on communication, both his and my reluctance to express ourselves at times. I'm an aspie, but often I'm the one trying to eke out some kind of communication where I see a need for confronting an issue. It's not as simple as NT vs Aspie, never will be, and I think we tread tricky territory when we reduce it to this. Humans are complex beyond all the things we think we know about ourselves, you can't tar a whole group of people with the same brush you used for someone who hurt you, as comfortable as it is to use that as a reason to hide.

 

[icesyckel]

I am married to an NT female. I do not believe it would be better for me to be married to an aspie or for her to be married to an NT. We fit together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, filling each others' gaps. Feel free to turn this into a sexual pun (there's ammo there), but I am serious about our differences complimenting each other.

It was difficult when we didn't know I was on the spectrum. Now that we do, things have been much easier for both of us. I cannot imagine living with someone like me, nor would I want to. I like that she is totally different. More of the same is dull. Dull is bad. Different is interesting. Interesting is good. Different is good.

Marriage is never easy. Might as well be intriguing.

I can not eat social status, it will not keep me warm in the winter or cool in the summer, it will not shelter me from storms. This social status thing has no value.

Social status can get you a job or clients if self-employed and thereby provide $$$ to keep you warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and sheltered from storms. Sure, there are other paths to meeting your needs, but social status can be one of them.

Social status and networking generates opportunities. I suck at it, but I still work at it to some degree for the tangible benefits it offers me.

 

[Shiznown]

My take is women NT, or otherwise that are nurturing make better and more understanding partners. I have never been with a nurturing woman, but in theory it makes sense. Someone who is a nurse, or who works in the medical/fitness field would probably be way more understanding than someone who doesn't.

 

[Judge]

Someone who is a nurse, or who works in the medical/fitness field would probably be way more understanding than someone who doesn't.

Careful. That's what I thought when confided to my NT cousin I thought I had ASD. She's worked more than 20 years in the health insurance field.

I was sooooooooooo wrong!

 

[Shiznown]

Careful. That's what I thought when confided to my NT cousin I thought I had ASD. She's worked more than 20 years in the health insurance field.

I was sooooooooooo wrong!

Working with insurance and actually working with people are two different things.