Tired of it all

[Hannibal]

I want to give up but know I can’t. I’m exhausted from pushing myself so hard and trying to work so hard and live up to NT standards. I don’t have any other option though. I hate this and want it to end

 

[BrokenBoy]

I want to give up but know I can’t. I’m exhausted from pushing myself so hard and trying to work so hard and live up to NT standards. I don’t have any other option though. I hate this and want it to end

What do you do specifically to live up to NT standards.

 

[OkRad]

If your name is Hannibal, you CANNOT give up. You just can't. Channel the other Hannibal.....Barca.

 

[Aspychata]

We all have to tough out the NT world. It's hard. I am totally in agreement. I want to yell at all NT's and then climb into my turtle shell. But l know this is unrealistic and l need to chill out and reset my thinking by getting some great exercise, and thinking about the kind people l do know.

 

[Hannibal]

What do you do specifically to live up to NT standards.

Mostly working. I’ve worked an average of 50 hours a week in kitchens since age 16, became a manager, walked to work, always worked for bad pay. I’m trying to switch to tattooing while making no money as an apprentice so I have to work a second job… so essentially I’m working two jobs now just to barely get by. The constant faking is destroying me. My attention issues and anger has only gotten worse over the years. I can’t focus on anything and get anything done. Because I’m outwardly interpreted as “smart” by society and how they perceive / define that asset it doesn’t seem like I’m eligible for any kind of assistance or pushed to get comfort or help by family. I’m expected to think and respond to life the same as a NT.

I’ve noticed over the years and specifically past few months I’ve been declining to the point I feel I can barely take care of myself independently.

I have a very limited threshold like most autistic people do. If I’m working so much I can’t socialize. If I’m socializing a lot I can’t work a lot. I’ve not done anything fun in a long time and I can’t because I’m so zapped.

I wish people and professionals could better understand just because I can drive, cook decent meals, and don’t have an intellectual disability that it doesn’t mean I’m not struggling severely in other ways.

 

[Hannibal]

If your name is Hannibal, you CANNOT give up. You just can't. Channel the other Hannibal.....Barca.

Good point haha. You made me laugh. Thank you

 

[Hannibal]

We all have to tough out the NT world. It's hard. I am totally in agreement. I want to yell at all NT's and then climb into my turtle shell. But l know this is unrealistic and l need to chill out and reset my thinking by getting some great exercise, and thinking about the kind people l do know.

Even with exercise and mindfulness I want to collapse. I feel like I’m pushing myself too hard and others are too. Hopefully it’ll get better with time

 

[BrokenBoy]

I recommend smoking pot or taking a xanax if you wanna not be stressed.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Even with exercise and mindfulness I want to collapse. I feel like I’m pushing myself too hard and others are too. Hopefully it’ll get better with time

I hope you are getting adequate nutrition, taking your vitamins and learning to power nap! It's easy it's just attempted meditation where you deliberately fall asleep, it only takes 40 minutes

 

[Thinx]

I know the feeling. Sorry you are up against this. Back when I was 20 we didn't know it was autism, which was both a curse and a blessing, I suppose. I always prioritised work, though often very stressed. I saw no alternative. I do think the way to cope is to find work that you like and that is adequately paid, sounds like you're already onto that. Can you manage on any less than current earnings, to work less hours? And/or, have a duvet day?

 

[Suzanne]

If it were not for my faith, I would feel the exact same way and in fact, before I found my faith, I was pretty much like it, but not knowing I have aspergers.

Now, with the help of my God, Jehovah, I am doing things I never would have thought possible.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Even if you don't realize it, there's always someone depending on you as their hope to keep going too.

 

[Wulven]

How it was for me when I worked. I suggest calming music it will take some of the edge off.

 

[Suzette]

@Hannibal It is clear something must change. No one can push themselves endlessly. We all crack up when pushed too hard. Even NTs!
So what can you change? What is in your control right now?

Let me be clear about this question.
Start asking the question by rejecting anything that isn't actually part of the question.
The question is What is in your control to change?
This is not "What can I change that will still keep everyone else happy".
The answer to this question might mean others might not be happy with those changes.
That's o.k.
You are not looking to shirk your reponsibility just because you feel lazy. This question and the answer are about your survival. You need to focus on that.
Others can take care of themselves. They really can.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It is a difficult thing to constantly be "in character",...masking,...for the sake of making others comfortable and accepting of you. For the past 35 years, or so,...working with the public, seeing people at their emotional and physical worst, knowing that whatever they say might not be directed towards you specifically, but you happen to be in the room and they need to "vomit" out their emotional BS in your direction. Working with a team of generally good people, but are stressed out to the point of apathy and do not want any excuses why you aren't pulling your weight,...and sometimes theirs as well, because you are a team leader. I totally get where you are coming from, the stress and depression building up, the weight of it pulling me under,...and not knowing, but suspecting I was on the autism spectrum, sought out a psychologist for the first time in my life a few years ago. I literally had the shakes at times, sleeping for hours during the day, gym workouts that I once loved meant nothing, my total personality changed to a flat affect, I had the attention span of a housefly,...I felt like a zombie,...and looking forward to another 10 years of it before I could retire. I wasn't going to make it,...I don't think I would have sunk far enough to take my own life,...but a sudden heart attack, stroke, cancer, car accident, something would end me for sure.

The only thing that kept,...and still keeps me going and looking forward, is the idea that "I've got "things" to do,...and they don't include working." A lot more colorful language when I actually say it to myself. I was going to go to the psychologist and sort this all out,...at whatever cost,...and I did when I was diagnosed and then took a deep dive into the literature on ASDs. I basically "found myself". However, work was still work, and would be for several years. As a means of trying to shrug off some of the stress of masking and trying to please everyone else around me, I "came out" with my diagnosis to Human Resources, my manager, my supervisor, and my close co-workers. For me, it did two things, allowed them to see me in a different light knowing that I was doing what they were doing,...with the addition of constant sensory and processing issues. In addition, I realized most people truly lack the cognitive empathy and intellectual curiosity to understand,...so much of what I got in response was, after revealing myself,...an "OK", perhaps an odd look of misunderstanding (not sure),...and little changed for them. What it did for me though,...took some of that stress and emotional weight off of me,...I could take those little 5 minute "mini breaks", collect myself, and keep moving forward through the workday without people complaining. Most people at work just care about you getting your work done in a timely manner,...and despite my little breaks,...my level of focus allows me to actually function at a higher pace than they do. I am at a point now where I am shoving as much into my investments as I can, selling and donating items, including my beloved Ford Mustang, paying off the mortgage and cars,...all in an attempt to set myself up for as early a retirement as I can. I've got things to do,...mostly just escape from my current life.

Someone above mentioned cannabis to take some stress away, allow you to get some good sleep, etc. The other is the psilocybin-producing mushrooms,...micro doses (without the psychodelic trip) may prove to be successful at significantly reducing stress as well as stimulating alternate neuronal pathways. Previously, I have been such a "control freak" with my emotions and behavior, I would have never considered it,...but, the more and more I research this topic, I am opening up my mind to it. I found it interesting that the human brain has cannabis and psilocybin receptors,...so, it would suggest that these compounds may actually be something that, in our ancestry, was not only part of our lives,...but our brains, at a genetic level have created receptors for these compounds. There is an evolutionary theory being put forth that the reason for the incredibly rapid changes found within our human ancestor's brain and skull, and our ability to develop complex verbal and physical communication, was, in part, the ingestion of psilocybin-producing mushrooms. The theory being that psilocybins, even within very short time periods,...days,...can stimulate alternate neuronal pathways, but furthermore create synesthetic conditions where sensory information from one area of the brain can interact with other sensory information. This is, in part, why communication has become so complex and nuanced, this mixing of all of our senses, both conscious and unconscious, to mean one thing or another, to trigger responses, etc. Coincidently or not, these are cognitive areas where myself and many other autistics are lacking. I would never make a recommendation when it comes to cannabis or psilocybin, do ones own research on the topic, and make your own decisions.

An eye and mind-opening documentary recently posted on Netflix:

One of a handful of TEDx talks:

 

[Ken]

It sounds to me like you are simply burned out and overworked. Everyone, even NT's burnout with overwork.
Also, you have worked for a very long time in kitchens. I think you have to ask yourself; is that because you love it or because that is what you are familiar with? Everyone, aspies and NT's have a lot more burnout tolerance when the work is something they love. There is a big difference between love and familiar.
My first job taught me that I cannot work any job that requires customer interface. Even though my first job involved my life passion, the social requirements killed it.
Since then I would only accept jobs that allowed me to do my work in private. That made me happy and successful in my career. My last job was the best. I had my own private design lab with a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door (my boss put the sign). My boss let me free-run with my designs. He and the customers liked my innovative designs. The company was extremely successful and grew rapidly. The management team also grew with more management tiers. It was finally decided to group all the engineers in one lab due to outgrowing the building. I quit the day that was to be implemented, knowing I could not handle it. The timing was good because I was able to retire. I am now happy in my retirement business in my own little private lab.
I don't know your work environment, but I would guess working in a kitchen would involve a lot of social interaction and I would guess that being a tattoo artist may be even more.

 

[ucrenegade]

Mostly working. I’ve worked an average of 50 hours a week in kitchens since age 16, became a manager, walked to work, always worked for bad pay. I’m trying to switch to tattooing while making no money as an apprentice so I have to work a second job… so essentially I’m working two jobs now just to barely get by. The constant faking is destroying me. My attention issues and anger has only gotten worse over the years. I can’t focus on anything and get anything done. Because I’m outwardly interpreted as “smart” by society and how they perceive / define that asset it doesn’t seem like I’m eligible for any kind of assistance or pushed to get comfort or help by family. I’m expected to think and respond to life the same as a NT.

I’ve noticed over the years and specifically past few months I’ve been declining to the point I feel I can barely take care of myself independently.

I have a very limited threshold like most autistic people do. If I’m working so much I can’t socialize. If I’m socializing a lot I can’t work a lot. I’ve not done anything fun in a long time and I can’t because I’m so zapped.

I wish people and professionals could better understand just because I can drive, cook decent meals, and don’t have an intellectual disability that it doesn’t mean I’m not struggling severely in other ways.

This is why I say those that tell people to try and do the best you can but don't reveal your autism I say are wrong if anything we need to embrace it more and realize the limitations.

Here try this link it is for that autonomyworks website that is trying to help others

Similar Organizations (autonomy.works)

 

[Giant Hogweed]

I understand where you are coming from. I tell myself, I am very capable and smart, AND I am autistic. So if you were in a wheelchair you wouldn't expect to be an olympic runner. Same thing. Except you can't see our disability.

I have a badge on my rucksack that says "keep calm I'm autistic". I feel comforted by that badge because I'm allowing myself not to be perfect and telling the world that I'm not.

 

[Kirsty]

We all have to tough out the NT world. It's hard. I am totally in agreement. I want to yell at all NT's and then climb into my turtle shell. But l know this is unrealistic and l need to chill out and reset my thinking by getting some great exercise, and thinking about the kind people l do know.

Yip. I agree with ALL of this! The gym is great. I go to one. Anyway, it is tough dealing with other NDs too. Some of them. Not just NTs.

 

[Hannibal]

I understand where you are coming from. I tell myself, I am very capable and smart, AND I am autistic. So if you were in a wheelchair you wouldn't expect to be an olympic runner. Same thing. Except you can't see our disability.

I have a badge on my rucksack that says "keep calm I'm autistic". I feel comforted by that badge because I'm allowing myself not to be perfect and telling the world that I'm not.

Good way of wording it. Thank you.