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Time to get busy dying?

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J

Jared Jacobson

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Is anyone here contemplating not
Living anymore? I am 40 and I am an aspergarian and an alcoholic. I am out of hope. The latter had led me to some legal trouble. But more than that, I do not believe alcoholics ever heal, any more than we with Aspergers. I have nothing, I am nothing, and I think the honorable thing to to consider ending my life. I have lived for nothing, and these two conditions have destroyed me.
 
Hi and welcome to the forums. I have thought of suicide since i was 15 or so, it's been an on and off thing.

Since when are you feeling this way? Even the feelings that seem most real are temporary. You might feel like you want to die today, and feel completely different the day after. For example a week ago i had no appetite from anxiety and felt like vomiting.
I also wanted to drink, and smoke in daylight.
But today i seem much better even though nothing has changed

Also, you will die eventually anyway. It might help you to think of it this way. Death will come whether you want it or not, why not wait for it to come naturally?
 
Jared Jacobson said:
Because
Life is not worth living
Click to expand...
I have felt like that a lot. I have felt like I don't exist, like I've already died and somehow haven't realised it yet. And contemplate running away. It isn't easy if there's nobody who cares to share it with. I realised the isolation and loneliness were fueling it. Then I came here and found people who care. Who I like. And things have changed.
I'm glad you have revealed yourself here, Jared. Keep talking. Someone is always listening.
 
I've felt that way before, just recently too for about 3 months. Things can get better, but anything good is never easy. I've quit the hardest drugs there are to quit, not saying I don't want them anymore and that it's not an every day struggle, but it can be done. You are probably also having a midlife crisis. I think mine was during those three months I referred to earlier. Things can get better. It's best to talk about it with someone you know you can trust. Be careful who you tell, because telling people you feel that way can be a one way ticket to the psyche ward. There are those who will listen though and not judge, especially perhaps those who have been in somewhat similar situations.
I hope you feel better somehow, soon.
 
There is no one. I’ve seen therapists since I was 8 years only and I’ve never gotten better. I learned about my Aspergers in my 30’s but knowing hasn’t helped me become better. I’ve gone
To school, tried to become an EMT, a trainer, I
Was in the Iron workers union for 4 years as an apprentice and tried to join the Navy reserves. None of my efforts were good
Enough. Not for my family, my
Country, a woman or a friend. I am broke, unattractive, uninteresting and unaccomplished. All of that was just because of Asperger and now I am
Prone to alcohol addiction. I am a male, but not a man, an adult, but
Not grown up, hard working, but have nothing to show for my struggle and suffering. To shrug off the mortal
Coil is now bringing a grin to my face, because I don’t have anymore hope, no more dreams, and I no longer believe in family, love, or god.
 
Jared Jacobson said:
To shrug off the mortal
Coil is now bringing a grin to my face, because I don’t have anymore hope, no more dreams, and I no longer believe in family, love, or god.
Click to expand...
If that is your choice, you have a right to make it. I hope you don't choose it but I'm not the one living your life.
Do you believe there is an afterlife?
 
I've felt this many times.
I've been having a lot of the best of my years have gone by thoughts lately.
And they probably have. Don't see much ahead when you reach 60, have no family and know people
don't want to hear about it. No one really cares. The psychs listen because of the money they are
paid to do so. I know how it feels.

I just don't worry if I'm good enough for other people. The only ones I felt totally at ease with
and trusted were my parents. It's unbelievable in a world of people how you can feel so totally alone.
Some days feel worse and others more liveable.

At my age I take the attitude @AprilR spoke of. I'm going to die anyway, just don't know when,
so I go on and take what experiences happen. Afterall, I know what this life is like, don't know
what comes after death.

I am familiar with physical and emotional pain. And the things that are interesting and may bring
small pleasures. Actually the worst thing I worry about at this time in life is how to live with
very little income.

Time goes by so quickly. I'll let it go by naturally.

Funny how I was raking the yard at dusk today and a song kept going through my mind I haven't
heard in years. I finally started singing it as I worked.
 
Jared Jacobson said:
No I don’t believe in the afterlife.
Click to expand...
Ok.

I believe this is not all there is. Of course if I'm wrong there'll be nothing there to know that I was wrong, lol. But still...
While it's not a very defined belief, it makes it so that acting on feelings you describe when I have them seems pointless. I might go, but that won't be the end. I believe I am here for a reason and can only go, as @AprilR mentioned, naturally, or whatever way life brings.

So it's not a faith in some religious belief, just in the idea that I am more than this ego structure, my thoughts and beliefs. If it were up to me, I would give you a small dose of Psilocybin, the active ingredient in liberty cap mushrooms. It's being used again in therapeutic situations, and definitely helps IMO. It has always helped me.
 
We struggle in life. Some of us struggle more than others. l see it as a test. Can l survive my struggles like a character out of a Russian novel? When you read the classics, it's all incredible life struggles.
Some of us feel we are in constant turmoil because we never quite step out of the cesspool of bad jobs, failed relationships, horrible childhoods. But some of us chose to continue.l have felt that way a lot of my life however l have made peace with myself. I have accepted that l am destined to not have much. So l chose to live my life enjoying very small pleasures and finding my own brand of happiness. Can you stop and think about what makes you smile?
 
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You can find something you enjoy doing in every age. It doesn't have to be a job. I am thinking of participating in charitable organizations and groups for example.
Even in an online forum like this. When talking with you and the others here, i discovered a part of myself i would never discover otherwise. I made friends here, got helped and helped other people. It genuinely made me happy and feel like my life has a meaning.
 
Don't make any decisions today.
Choose a date in four weeks time to revisit your circumstances, look again at options and see how you feel about dying then.


In the meantime, get into AA meetings? Email or call the Samaritans?
(I don't know which country you're in)
Tell them the same things you're writing here.

Nobody can stop you making any decisions.

Is it that you don't want to live?
Or that you don't want to live like this?
 
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