Thought of killing myself when I was 17

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Gerald Wilgus can be quite direct, perhaps, but he is interpreting your difficulties within his own framework, where he had to take responsibility for his early difficulties with no one to help as far as he knew at the time, after quite a harsh family style. Our families affect what we can find easy or difficult. I think it's hard for @GeraldWilgus to bear how difficult you are finding it to progress.

I guess I would say you are not really getting what you need from your therapist and it's unlikely they know the approaches Gerald is using, or that you could quite yet use those approaches, without some motivational work first. Gerald has done a lot already and is embracing those approaches and finding them pretty hard, but effective, you could too, in time.

Thank you @Thinx . My CPT was very hard, and, yes, it did require motivation, but as I've learned in the past, when I needed to change, I could steel myself for the work and cut it into bite sized pieces. This time I was fortunate to have a therapist who guided me well. I am introspective, yet, what I found that helped, that I cannot recommend to others, was using 10 mg CBD, 10 mg THC gummies. It seemed to relax me so that I could dive deep into my psyche without fear as I completed my exercises.

CPT allowed me to understand the ways, my old inner narrative, created to protect myself by my ASD, led to my dysfunction: how my shyness developed into crippling social anxiety, how I deliberately fought against people seeking to make contact even as I desired connection. It revealed my distorted thinking in allowing some social blindness to amplify feelings of neglect even as some women were noticing me and reaching out to me, how I rejected people even as I felt rejected. It was a disturbing realization how I failed myself. Yet, I was able to realize how I was able to transcend my social dysfunction to not only gain the love of an accepting woman, develop close friends, but also open myself up to new interests and skills, pushing my limits.

For those of you suffering from PTSD, I highly recommend CPT with a skilled therapist. I chose mine as she has dealt with combat trauma.

 

[Markness]

@Gerald Wilgus can be quite direct, perhaps, but he is interpreting your difficulties within his own framework, where he had to take responsibility for his early difficulties with no one to help as far as he knew at the time, after quite a harsh family style. Our families affect what we can find easy or difficult. I think it's hard for @GeraldWilgus to bear how difficult you are finding it to progress.

I guess I would say you are not really getting what you need from your therapist and it's unlikely they know the approaches Gerald is using, or that you could quite yet use those approaches, without some motivational work first. Gerald has done a lot already and is embracing those approaches and finding them pretty hard, but effective, you could too, in time.

My therapist actually knows the same approaches.

 

[tree]

My therapist actually knows the same approaches.

The fact that your therapist knows the same approaches
doesn't negate the fact that effort is required by the
therapist's client.

Active participation is necessary.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My therapist actually knows the same approaches.

This will require a lot of work by you with some honest assessments of yourself where you have to take ownership of those things that trigger you.

 

[Thinx]

Do you recall using any of these approaches? Most therapists know some basic CBT but for many they are not skilled in it and it may be used in a way that is basic. CPT is a further training. If you have been with her 13 years I think you need to review your progress with her, but bear in mind she may prefer to think you are the problem not her. A therapist is just a person. Some are very unrealistic about their training needs in my experience. Ask her for full printed details of her training. Or for onward referrals, as 13 years is a very very long time for you to have been with her, without her suggesting further ideas with other practitioners. Does she know your mother or another person connected to you?

 

[Markness]

Do you recall using any of these approaches? Most therapists know some basic CBT but for many they are not skilled in it and it may be used in a way that is basic. CPT is a further training. If you have been with her 13 years I think you need to review your progress with her, but bear in mind she may prefer to think you are the problem not her. A therapist is just a person. Some are very unrealistic about their training needs in my experience. Ask her for full printed details of her training. Or for onward referrals, as 13 years is a very very long time for you to have been with her, without her suggesting further ideas with other practitioners. Does she know your mother or another person connected to you?

I know some of the approaches but the bad experiences I keep getting discourage me.

She knows my mother. They don’t really agree on what should be done for me.

 

[Markness]

I wish I could reboot my brain.

 

[1ForAll]

I know some of the approaches but the bad experiences I keep getting discourage me.

She knows my mother. They don’t really agree on what should be done for me.

If you know how to visualize/day dream, then you can create good and positive experiences in your mind this way, regardless if they are true actual experiences or not, by imagining successes you desire and visualizing you being a good person with many great qualities. Our brains are not meant to just relive bad experiences, but to take us places we have never been before to create more calm, confidence and strength for us. If you choose not to use your brain in those ways or don't have the ability to do that, of course things will be harder that way. Maybe for many with executive functioning difficulties they see things as fact versus fiction, black versus white, and it may be harder to imagine, pretend and so forth, to improve one's mindset, so I take into account that, as admittedly our son finds that somewhat hard, but he is getting better there the more he attempts such.

 

[Markness]

My brain lacks neuroplasticity and is basically a malfunctioning machine.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thing is I went through the same thing I had an online relationship with a girl which ended up with her moving from some country in Europe to marry some other guy in Utah. That is what bought me to God for the first time which I ended up leaving when my so-called friends abandoned me when they all coupled up and got married. I was suicidal in college which is why I dropped out with poor grades and no friends at all. I was ignored of course I did not know I had ASD.

I came back to God in 2019 which I am on the verge on leaving again. The couples don't abandon me that.
The problem is they don't leave me alone. It is the single girls few as there are that don't give me the time of day. I also developed a mask phobia because of the pandemic, and I was suicidal until I was talked out of it from the pastor who is happily married and my happily married friend.

Now I have major back pain. I don't bother to go to any events anymore because it is the same people there and the same girls who ignore me, so I say heck with it. I have not been out in two weeks.

By the way @Markness I love your avitar.