thinking about how to handle this emotionally charged situation

[paloftoon]

A person I attempted to date at first, I lost interest right away and we kept in touch trying to build something platonic. During this time of building friendship, he has been making inappropriate physical advances at this angle and that angle to the point where I told him not to touch me at all.

Even after telling him this, he keeps bringing stuff up from time to time.

He wrote an e-mail to me today detailing quotes about when I talked about what it would be like if we were fwbs. Problem is, we were never actually fwbs because he only wanted a commitment or something platonic.

We have a mutual friend who doesn't like to be involved in conflict. When I spoke with mutual friend about my side of things, he always "sees" both sides of things.


After browsing e-mail and talking with mutual friend about situation,

I think I will be trying to completely distance myself from him. If I have to meet him at mutual friend's gathering, I will say directly for him to stay away and not say anything even if I have to cut him off.

 

[Magna]

Absolutely. You've told this person not to touch you and as such clearly you are not receptive to any further advances from him. He should respect that.

 

[paloftoon]

Absolutely. You've told this person not to touch you and as such clearly you are not receptive to any further advances from him. He should respect that.

In his replies after numerous uncomfortable interactions between me and him, he explains how he doesn't know better and that I need to be explicit with him on this and that. I told him that it is not fun to be around an individual who I have to figure out every single little thing of what might and what might not be appropriate. I told him that I was only okay saying "hi" and absolutely "no physical touching whatsoever" and that I didn't want to hang around with him anymore.

After this whole process, he sends the e-mail described in OP above explaining how I'm supposedly contradicting myself. Many of) The quotes were from 2020, which was awhile ago. Also, it seems that everything I read about talks about affection if we were ever in an fwb or building to a committed relationship. Problem is, we never once agreed to be fwbs or build toward a committed relationship. He wanted the committed relationship, and I declined.

I tried to keep this a relatively private matter talking to him 1-1 and my own closer friends only. Through my and the other guy's mutual friend #1, I find out through #1 that he has been talking with people that don't seem that close with him connection wise.

I don't enjoy being with a person who I was never physically attracted to who seems to "think" it's okay to "give me a high ten" and rub his finger on my palm while doing it. He is also arguing now that I didn't react right at that instance if it really was bothering me. Rather than continue to argue such small points, I'm thinking of saying something like:

"
Let me clarify how I'd like things presently:

1. Shut up.
2. Do not contact me or say anything to me in-person.
3. Do not contact me in any other way (not e-mail, not phone, etc.)
4. Stopping trying to look for lines to pick from the past or any time. Time to drop it and move on.
5. Go away.
"

I was going to add a paragraph before that to explain why his picking at little details is wrong, but I feel it's a waste of time for me to do that.

 

[tree]

QUOTE
I don't enjoy being with a person who I was never physically attracted to
who seems to "think" it's okay to "give me a high ten" and
rub his finger on my palm while doing it. END QUOTE

That's really creepy.
He apparently thinks he's being cute/flirtatious.

Yeah, shut that down immediately.
No reason you have to put up with that.

 

[paloftoon]

QUOTE
I don't enjoy being with a person who I was never physically attracted to
who seems to "think" it's okay to "give me a high ten" and
rub his finger on my palm while doing it. END QUOTE

That's really creepy.
He apparently thinks he's being cute/flirtatious.

Yeah, shut that down immediately.
No reason you have to put up with that.

If we were committed, or if he asked me specifically to do that before we did that and if I actually said it was okay, that would be different. That certainly wasn't the situation though.

In another forum, a poster pointed out that maybe I need to express that we were only platonic. And he may have a small point. Maybe I reply and tell him that, but that his actions were inappropriate for a platonic only relationship and that we were never fwbs or dating. I added that I should probably stress that I still want no contact regardless. I should not have to try to expend so much energy to explain every possible physical boundary issue I might have- the possibilities can be endless.

Another problem is that I did try to explain stuff earlier- but I focused on the specific actions that were annoying me rather than that we were platonic vs. fwb or building a relationship.

What do you think- reply with that- or keep things as they are?

I will be asking my therapist about this situation tomorrow too.
Thank you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

His behavior disturbs me by its presumption. With his not taking no for an answer I would be cautious about such a person. I have been in friendly and platonic relationships and am acutely aware of not overstepping boundaries. Evidently he does not respect your boundaries and needs to desist. The problem seems to be getting through to him in no uncertain terms.

 

[paloftoon]

I am having thoughts of unfriending my mutual friend between me and harasser, because mutual friend has a stronger friendship with harasser (about 6 years).

Mutual friend "always sees both sides" and doesn't usually want to try to tell someone when they are doing something wrong. Harasser friend is extremely steadfast though and he was able to get away with inappropriate behavior as a child apparently (it sounds like he has parents where he can do no wrong). Apparently, some of that behavior was physical inappropriate touching like the present.


I think it also makes sense to wait until another event comes up that I can make and just see what happens too. It's not a good sign when I don't feel supported by my mutual friend's friends network. I'm just kind of there when I went to his birthday party. One of mutual friend's other friends, I knew him before I met mutual friend. That other friend has treated both me and mutual friend like we are a step below him because we don't have enough in common with him. Mutual friend gets agreed upon physicality from other friend and myself. Myself and other friend don't talk but we don't annoy each other either. We would say hi, but I wouldn't try to waste my time beyond that.

 

[paloftoon]

Another poster tells me:

"I think you're completely right to just ignore him from here on out. He's always going to want the last word. Just ignore him."

A significant number of people in another forum are saying I make the boundaries even clearer. So, I think I will do that now even though I have reasons to not want to do that. And I add to that to clarify that I don't want contact with him.

Someone else mentioned not causing a scene at the party. I think they are correct. It made me want to have a game plan to immediately leave if I think some trouble will be a big issue.

 

[paloftoon]

The hard part for me right now is if I should unfriend my mutual "friend" because mutual "friend" does not want to take sides in this context, while understandable cause he doesn't like conflict, is also very wimpy and uncaring. No action is a response as well, and it's a poor one. Thank God I have other people I can try to spend time with.

I don't feel mutual friend's a bad person and the physical part is nice, lol. But now he's dense for this situation. . .

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The hard part for me right now is if I should unfriend my mutual "friend" because mutual "friend" does not want to take sides in this context, while understandable cause he doesn't like conflict, is also very wimpy and uncaring. No action is a response as well, and it's a poor one. Thank God I have other people I can try to spend time with.

I don't feel mutual friend's a bad person and the physical part is nice, lol. But now he's dense for this situation. . .

Dense, as in a lead wall? I do not understand that thinking when somebody's personal bounds are being trashed. Sorry, it's just my view from experiences.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I do not let any one invade my personal boundaries, or it gets physical fast, probably why I never got bullied when younger.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

Another poster tells me:

"I think you're completely right to just ignore him from here on out. He's always going to want the last word. Just ignore him."

A significant number of people in another forum are saying I make the boundaries even clearer. So, I think I will do that now even though I have reasons to not want to do that. And I add to that to clarify that I don't want contact with him.

Someone else mentioned not causing a scene at the party. I think they are correct. It made me want to have a game plan to immediately leave if I think some trouble will be a big issue.

Such guys are very dangerous in my eyes as they seem to believe your boundaries might be discussed or even invalidated by discussion. It means they will probably never(!) respect your boundaries, no matter what you do or say. Those kind of guys are like rapists...

If you can stay out of his way I would recommend that. If you can't or won't because you don't want to be shunned out of your social circle you could try to ignore him every time he talks to you and to shove him back when he's too close or he will think you like him being close.

DO make a scene, embarassing him might make him keep distance from you. And you have every right to make a scene if somebody harrasses you!

And If there is somebody who can support and back you up at those encounters (a good friend) well that would be ideal, it's also a good way to find out who your real friends are, if you want to know...

 

[paloftoon]

Dense, as in a lead wall? I do not understand that thinking when somebody's personal bounds are being trashed. Sorry, it's just my view from experiences.

Well this mutual friend has been good friends with the other person for at least 6 strong years. He knows a lot about harasser's childhood. He feels sorry for harasser because he understands that he can't control his impulsive reactions basically and harasser thinks "anything goes unless he thinks you should've clearly told him beforehand" mindset. Mutual "friend" gets enough out of his friendship apparently. All of this and his extreme lack of fear to ruin friendships by choosing a side get in the way for him. This situation just makes him no longer a good "friend".

After some thought, since mutual friends other neutral friends don't seem that warm except for one person I met prior, I decided to distance myself from this social circle. I told mutual "friend" we can only meet 1-1 now because of the current situation. I didn't need to explain further. He is sad, but he needs to take sides on this and his lack of a response is choosing the wrong side.

I don't intend on ruining a party and causing a scene or want to be constantly arguing or having to watch my back. If I got along with other people in mutual friend's social circle, I think I should not let one harasser push me away. All things considered, I need to try to spend my time building connections around people who are more likely to help me out and who I'd want to help out. So, I opted out of his social circle now.

 

[paloftoon]

I should add that harasser is officially diagnosed as I am and as mutual friend is too. Not that that "helps", but it could possibly explain the behavioral inconsistencies in this case.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I should add that harasser is officially diagnosed as I am and as mutual friend is too. Not that that "helps", but it could possibly explain the behavioral inconsistencies in this case.

I was going to ask. I guess that despite my acting out at times, I sorta liked people and learned to respect their boundaries, especially with potential partners for a relationship. But then that "rule" got in the way of knowing when and how to act for greater intimacy and I self rejected.

 

[paloftoon]

I was going to ask. I guess that despite my acting out at times, I sorta liked people and learned to respect their boundaries, especially with potential partners for a relationship. But then that "rule" got in the way of knowing when and how to act for greater intimacy and I self rejected.

Easy to confuse and a difficult topic. Best thing I can recommend is if you're not sure, always ask!