The cost of suppressing your autie/aspie self

[Epicurean Pariah]

Warmhearted, so simple and yet so profound. I appreciate short and precise far more than all my babbling for the 4 days. My gibberish was clarified and surpassed by your poster with just a few words.

 

[Maelstrom]

It is a hard thing, I can only show my intellect in small flashes...even here I get in trouble. I guess people are intimidated by it, for me I just want to share who I am..like here look at my new toy,(idea) I just found. And they're like I don't want to see your new toy,(idea), go away don't bother me. So I try to be extra friendly to earn enough tolerance points to show a little bit of my self once in a while. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, and I get discouraged and feel like packing up my boat and going off somewhere to be a hermit. It would be nice to have a girlfriend who got me enough that I could relax and just be me...I wonder sometimes if anyone like that exists...and how in earth I would find them???

 

[watersprite]

When I let down my mask, I let out a creative (I think?) self, but also a vulnerable self which has seen what people can do. Unfortunately I can only hold the mask together for at most 20 minutes, then need a break if it involves verbal communication. If I cannot get a break, well: ugh oh.
My self therefore will express negativity about people and that gets me into Trouble. Even though I keep the mask on most of the time, it is coming to my awareness now that I'm a few months out from the diagnosis, that I'd better learn to keep the mask on all the time. I can be myself only when alone.

 

[Maelstrom]

When I let down my mask, I let out a creative (I think?) self, but also a vulnerable self which has seen what people can do. Unfortunately I can only hold the mask together for at most 20 minutes, then need a break if it involves verbal communication. If I cannot get a break, well: ugh oh.
My self therefore will express negativity about people and that gets me into Trouble. Even though I keep the mask on most of the time, it is coming to my awareness now that I'm a few months out from the diagnosis, that I'd better learn to keep the mask on all the time. I can be myself only when alone.

I understand totally Kestrel, in some situations when people don't respect my space it can feel like I just walked face first into a cobweb with a big fat hairy spider on it. The urge to thrash about and get them off of you can be overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes I have to retreat, leave the room, go out side or even go home to recollect my self, weddings are the worst. But these days I do fairly well most of the time as long as the people and places aren't too strange. Best wishes to you Kestrel... Mael

 

[watersprite]

I understand totally Kestrel, in some situations when people don't respect my space it can feel like I just walked face first into a cobweb with a big fat hairy spider on it. The urge to thrash about and get them off of you can be overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes I have to retreat, leave the room, go out side or even go home to recollect my self, weddings are the worst. But these days I do fairly well most of the time as long as the people and places aren't too strange. Best wishes to you Kestrel... Mael

Managed to walk into one of those cobwebs today. That's an apt description - well done. I'm taking responsibility for having not seen this coming at me, this time.
For me there's the rub, in fact.
I want to take charge of things properly, but naturally when other people are involved, anomalous situations arise for which I have no script. This time somehow I decided to say what I felt, to be myself, and that was the wrong choice.
Edited to add: then, when a person gets upset, I'm supposed to show appropriate care. That gets me into more trouble - do I fake it, or do I be myself.

 

[Maelstrom]

Managed to walk into one of those cobwebs today. That's an apt description - well done. I'm taking responsibility for having not seen this coming at me, this time.
For me there's the rub, in fact.
I want to take charge of things properly, but naturally when other people are involved, anomalous situations arise for which I have no script. This time somehow I decided to say what I felt, to be myself, and that was the wrong choice.
Edited to add: then, when a person gets upset, I'm supposed to show appropriate care. That gets me into more trouble - do I fake it, or do I be myself.

My sympathies to you Kestrel, sometimes it's a lose lose situation, stay and crash and burn..leave to regroup and look like a heal. A third option which takes a little more strength is just to admit you're struggling a little with the situation. Nice people will cut you a little slack sometimes if they know it's not you just nerves. But I understand, I do that modeling thing in my head too, to speed up the mental processing of people stuff. But when they go off script the world lurches sideways, the brain turns to mud and all sorts of lovely things crawl out of hell. It's usually best to just try to disengage a little and do something to calm the mind. Easier to apologize for a head ache the a mortal insult. But showing you care late is better than not at all, I'm trying to swallow the pride more and just make some jesture to smooth things over, it seems to help. I hope you are feeling better Kestrel

 

[watersprite]

Maelstrom - I like that. It's like a back-up script for when the usual scripts fail to cover the situation. I am feeling okay now - thankfully I managed to utter a timely apology and things are smoothing over I think with the other peoples.

 

[Maelstrom]

Maelstrom - I like that. It's like a back-up script for when the usual scripts fail to cover the situation. I am feeling okay now - thankfully I managed to utter a timely apology and things are smoothing over I think with the other peoples.

Yes Kestrel I think that is why I hate surprises soooo much, if I know what to expect ahead of time, I'm not having to try to think through all the hidden wants, needs, emotional curancies of the person talking to me, and still come up with a good response at the same time. For you NTs it's like having a couple of people shouting in your ears while you're trying to talk on the cell phone. Processer overload. I'm glad you're doing better Kestrel

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Managed to walk into one of those cobwebs today. That's an apt description - well done. I'm taking responsibility for having not seen this coming at me, this time.
For me there's the rub, in fact.
I want to take charge of things properly, but naturally when other people are involved, anomalous situations arise for which I have no script. This time somehow I decided to say what I felt, to be myself, and that was the wrong choice.
Edited to add: then, when a person gets upset, I'm supposed to show appropriate care. That gets me into more trouble - do I fake it, or do I be myself.

Kestrel, it is impossible to know the mind of another. Even those that try to be transparent, are really translucent. As I see it the only certainty in life is knowing oneself.
There are many ways to make hay while the sun shines, but no way to make up a day, yet,

 

[watersprite]

Kestrel, it is impossible to know the mind of another. Even those that try transparent, are really translucent. As I see it the only certainty in life is knowing oneself.
There are many ways to make hay while the sun shines, but no way to make up a day, yet,

I find it energizing and more genuine when I use the right mask for the situation.

Being authentic and genuine is a necessary part of my existence. Even my mind is translucent a lot of the time but - when I am drawing or painting often the layers shift this way and that, giving me a grasp of the inner landscape. Difficult for me to express with words.

When I am writing here on AC, I am just me - attempt to keep my heart on my sleeve, to show as much as I can for that very reason you stated above. I give away my art here. <~ play on words.

 

[Maelstrom]

I find it energizing and more genuine when I use the right mask for the situation.

Being authentic and genuine is a necessary part of my existence. Even my mind is translucent a lot of the time but - when I am drawing or painting often the layers shift this way and that, giving me a grasp of the inner landscape. Difficult for me to express with words.

When I am writing here on AC, I am just me - attempt to keep my heart on my sleeve, to show as much as I can for that very reason you stated above. I give away my art here. <~ play on words.

Hi Kestrel I know how you feel on the mask thing...I do get tired of holding up my guard, you know trying to socialize and the whole time you're telling you self pull back a little on that, move forward on this, look out for hidden sentiment on that...walking the mine field. I don't really view what I do as being fake, I try to keep my responses genuine just tempered a little so the NTs don't run screaming into the woods, I don't always succeed, I lose some you can't please everyone. But over the years I have learned to enjoy being warm and outgoing even tho I'm really a introvert, it makes people happy, which makes me happy. But I do still get very worn out from too much of it, one or two major social things a week is plenty...of course having a good friend over to talk isn't as bad as going to church or town...I'm sure you feel the same way on the getting tired thing?

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I find it energizing and more genuine when I use the right mask for the situation.

Being authentic and genuine is a necessary part of my existence. Even my mind is translucent a lot of the time but - when I am drawing or painting often the layers shift this way and that, giving me a grasp of the inner landscape. Difficult for me to express with words.

When I am writing here on AC, I am just me - attempt to keep my heart on my sleeve, to show as much as I can for that very reason you stated above. I give away my art here. <~ play on words.

Kestrel, I hear you. Among the greatest philosophers of our time, Popeye the sailor is on the top tier. "I am what I am , that's all that I am."
So .....accept or reject? That's for others to chose, whatever. I know who I am, where to go and how to get there.
I just request that we all are honest with each other, so we know where each other stands and who we stand with.
I am Asper, I am strong in that, and even a bit proud,

 

[watersprite]

Popeye had a good point. I will add that another layer of confusion that can be a problem is that Popeye is male, and when I am being myself I don't necessarily come across as what society in general expects from a female. I am not particularly wanting to address that whole subject, just noting that the gender issue becomes pertinent to the conversation at some point.
I like communicating without worrying whether I am fitting someones's expectations. Plus I am not good at guessing those correctly anyway.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Popeye had a good point. I will add that another layer of confusion that can be a problem is that Popeye is male, and when I am being myself I don't necessarily come across as what society in general expects from a female. I am not particularly wanting to address that whole subject, just noting that the gender issue becomes pertinent to the conversation at some point.
I like communicating without worrying whether I am fitting someones's expectations. Plus I am not good at guessing those correctly anyway.

Kestrel, if I dare, Popeye is a cartoon character that demonstrates some human values, self respect, courage, inventiveness.
I am not sure about this, but over all,in our community, I would like to think that whether we have a innie or an outie is almost, but not quite a non-issue with us. It is all about these marvelous minds we carry around and occasionally use. Our Asper minds are..... Awesome! Spectacular!
Web search for suspected Aspers through History or some such phrase. The list is inspiring, up lifting. Do it, the NT are the majority and make society, but the Aspers are the innovators.

 

[Datura]

I also see it that way, but to me personally, it is too late, maybe later in my life I will work something out, but the exams that determine my future is now, and I'm not ready. Right now I am stuck and paying for all the years I was not me.

Easier said than done, but try not to stress about it. Failure is not so final as you might think, even on finals. It is always possible to retake courses, go back to college later with mature student status, or find success in something where SATs don't even matter.

Also; I don't know if you have looked, but there are often bursaries and scholarships for people with disabilities, and you may qualify. In addition, special supports and concessions might be available to you which would make post-secondary more accessible.

 

[kris]

I've found running and yoga to be helpful.. when I'm not too tired to go. Kind of a vicious cycle of being too tired vs actually going and getting the benefits of that. I haven't been in months. Yoga really does help with the tense muscles, though.

I've been going through a lot of the same the past year or so since learning about ASD.. trying to figure out how to be myself a little more and quit wearing that stupid social mask I've been wearing for years. It's nice. I have noticed some of what you'd called "autistic regression" as well.. I catch myself stimming more in public and covering my ears if I'm on a patio outside and a fire engine rushes past. But honestly, I've decided that if I'm more comfortable, I don't care what anyone else thinks...I try not to rock, but if I'm bouncing a knee or tapping my feet under the table, who cares.

I think the thing that has helped the most is just saying no to things I don't want to do.. especially social things. It means I get to spend more time with people I really want to spend it with and less wasted trying to fit in with people I dont even like anyways. And I get way more done in my alone time

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I feel we'll only be happy once we stop trying to fit in and accept that we will never be like everybody else. And, frankly, would any of us here truly want to? I can't see why I should have to spend 30 minutes of lunch break day in and day out trying to make pleasantries with people I never chose to be with when I could read a book or contemplate how restructuring your DNA might fit into a multidimensional universe - part of the reason why I don't have a job

Karin, the restructuring of DNA, and the multiverse comment prompts me to say, your thoughts are of more consequence than a simple "job".
I have met others here that are considering or have formed theories of using the mind to imperceptibly move from one space time line, to another. I think this is an idea worth a great deal of research . I am a strong proponent of the theory and perhaps a practitioner.
If you could make a buck doing what you like, what would you like to do. I switched careers about every 3-5 years on average, and feel that I succeeded at most of them, whether I liked what I was doing is another issue. My interests were pretty consistent, my jobs, were varied. EP

 

[Karin]

If you could make a buck doing what you like, what would you like to do. I switched careers about every 3-5 years on average, and feel that I succeeded at most of them, whether I liked what I was doing is another issue. My interests were pretty consistent my jobs, were varied. EP

Oh boy, what a good question... I change every couple of years too. Writing books, making jewelry, painting, giving lectures, photographing (all after my time in the business world as chemist and project manager). It seems I can do so many things because of how I pull in information. The only piece missing is how to make that buck

I would love to be able to share more of my knowledge of how to work in multiple dimensions but the world doesn't seem to be ready for it so I put that on the shelf for now and just live it and discuss my ideas with a few special friends. What is closest to my heart these years, also because it allows me the privacy I treasure, is my photography. I loved writing my SF and Fantasy stories because I could work my ideas into those without becoming new agy, but the endless editing was killing me. Photography is a fast route from idea to result, as an art form as well as a way to tell stories, and I would love to make money from that work.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Oh boy, what a good question... I change every couple of years too. Writing books, making jewelry, painting, giving lectures, photographing (all after my time in the business world as chemist and project manager). It seems I can do so many things because of how I pull in information. The only piece missing is how to make that buck

I would love to be able to share more of my knowledge of how to work in multiple dimensions but the world doesn't seem to be ready for it so I put that on the shelf for now and just live it and discuss my ideas with a few special friends. What is closest to my heart these years, also because it allows me the privacy I treasure, is my photography. I loved writing my SF and Fantasy stories because I could work my ideas into those without becoming new agy, but the endless editing was killing me. Photography is a fast route from idea to result, as an art form as well as a way to tell stories, and I would love to make money from that work.

Karin, ok I think we understand each other. Long long ago and far away, I too had an interest in photography, and shared several other of your interests.
I had an acquaintance who was a plant broker in S. Fla. There was a plant brokers convention up coming soon and the photographer took sick. Well my pal asked if I could do the gig, and said yes. Mind you I was not a pro, just a putz with audacity.
The next day I went to a camera store that I had a few dealings with, and rented a Nikon F2, a flash, a 35- 105 zoom and about 10 rolls of high quality slide film. Then I went to the brokers convention and pretended to know what I was doing.
About a week later everything was processed onto 8x10 contact sheets and all these sheets were sent to the attendees of the convention. At the time I had to stretch my budget far beyond the limits of reason.
Within a week, I had orders for many hundreds of 8x 10 glossies that the brokers themselves selected from the contact sheets.
So, I paid cash and bought the equipment that I rented, established a rep, even did a mag cover. My $300/500 investment garnered me about 5-6 k on the back end. I could give you dozens of other examples but I don't want to wear you out with boredom.
I will conclude with this, I am a retired lapidary, I like to cut stone and gems, especially cutting opal. I do not like dealing with people in person. A quandary, no. I established connections with front people and art galleries to push the work whilst I cut stone at home.
Ah, the point ...do not conform to the world. Think out of the box and compel the world to modify its attitudes to appreciate you and your work.
I could be wrong, use your best judgement.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Oh boy, what a good question... I change every couple of years too. Writing books, making jewelry, painting, giving lectures, photographing (all after my time in the business world as chemist and project manager). It seems I can do so many things because of how I pull in information. The only piece missing is how to make that buck

I would love to be able to share more of my knowledge of how to work in multiple dimensions but the world doesn't seem to be ready for it so I put that on the shelf for now and just live it and discuss my ideas with a few special friends. What is closest to my heart these years, also because it allows me the privacy I treasure, is my photography. I loved writing my SF and Fantasy stories because I could work my ideas into those without becoming new agy, but the endless editing was killing me. Photography is a fast route from idea to result, as an art form as well as a way to tell stories, and I would love to make money from that work.

K, I dabbled with writing also, all on type writer -hard copy. Need to put into 'puter. My wife was one of the Savannah newspaper editors during the time of (midnight in the garden of good and evil) and knew, and partied with the entire cast of characters.
Anyway I think she would edit for me, but I don't think I ever showed her the work, but I'm not sure that I really have anything to share that would not show me up to be the fool that I assume I am.