The Art of the Compliment and the Social Rules Governing them

[Judge]

Hate to think your caring enough to say something would be going wrong. You don't have to rave- can you say you look good or nice and still be sincere?

Welcome to our world. Where sadly for many of us it becomes a mindset. When basic communication can be tantamount to walking in a minefield, which can color your ability to communicate. So you become conditioned to saying less- not more.

I've had my share of such experiences with NT girlfriends that went WAY wrong. Though at the time neither of us were even aware I was on the spectrum.

 

[Gritches]

Hate to think your caring enough to say something would be going wrong. You don't have to rave- can you say you look good or nice and still be sincere?

I currently pitch compliments in a sort of hammed-up way because I know nobody buys it when I try to be serious. I'd like to deliver a serious compliment, and I think you're right - I tend to go over the top. I'll try toning it down. Thanks, Lucy

 

[LucyPurrs]

Welcome to our world. Where sadly for many of us it becomes a mindset. When basic communication can be tantamount to walking in a minefield, which can color your ability to communicate. So you become conditioned to saying less- not more.

I've had my share of such experiences with NT girlfriends that went WAY wrong. Though at the time neither of us were even aware I was on the spectrum.

Help me understand- I'm not suggesting you say something insincere just for the sake of NT convention. I certainly wouldn't do that and wouldn't expect you to either. But if you could say "You look nice, or you look good" and be sincere, why is that a minefield? Because your woman demands higher praise than that?

 

[Judge]

But if you could say "You look nice, or you look good" and be sincere, why is that a minefield? Because your woman demands higher praise than that?

You're looking at the situation in the moment- at face value.

Consider one going into such a situation potentially with a lifetime of criticism over how you express yourself. It often conditions your response for better or worse. That for some of us it becomes less risky or traumatic not to say much of anything.

It just depends on what one's experiences may be over time...

 

[LucyPurrs]

You're looking at the situation in the moment- at face value.

Consider one going into such a situation potentially with a lifetime of criticism over how you express yourself. It often conditions your response for better or worse. That for some of us it becomes less risky or traumatic not to say much of anything.

It just depends on what one's experiences may be over time...

Understood and agree now. Sorry if I was being insensitive- didn't mean to be, was just perplexed.

 

[Judge]

Understood and agree now. Sorry if I was being insensitive- didn't mean to be, was just perplexed.

No problem. It's just the sort of thing that can reflect the divide between the Neurotypical and the Neurodiverse. Difficult to even explain.

Worse for me perhaps because I went through most of my life not really understanding what motivated me to react in various ways regarding certain scenarios of communication. I knew the hows and whats of my reactions, but never the whys.

 

[PATILYN]

Welcome to our world. Where sadly for many of us it becomes a mindset. When basic communication can be tantamount to walking in a minefield, which can color your ability to communicate. So you become conditioned to saying less- not more.

I've had my share of such experiences with NT girlfriends that went WAY wrong. Though at the time neither of us were even aware I was on the spectrum.

This is helpful .... and I can totally accept that the words ... while not always elegant .... and poetic .... are sincere, if delivered at the appropriate time. I value more than anything in a relationship what someone does or says to me ...because he loves me and knows it makes me happy! The gesture behind it is what is sincere ... wanting someone to feel good! How great is that!

 

[Crossbreed]

From a NT .... here's a question ... as aspie, do you have it in you to make social compliments ... just for the sake of ... not sincerely ... for example ... when a woman has made an effort with her appearance ... to tell her ... "beautiful, gorgeous" ... because in the NT world, these kinds of compliments mean really "nothing", except that this is the expected response and we ladies would question their validity from certain men?

I am comfortable complimenting my wife, daughters and other female relatives, but it feels like I'm getting fresh if I say so outside of that circle.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

No problem. It's just the sort of thing that can reflect the divide between the Neurotypical and the Neurodiverse. Difficult to even explain.

Worse for me perhaps because I went through most of my life not really understanding what motivated me to react in various ways regarding certain scenarios of communication. I knew the hows and whats of my reactions, but never the whys.

Its not so much compliments given but that history of compliments not given, I feel.

A yin and yang of the same circle.

Negative experiences of kne leads to negative experiences of the other.

Also theres sort of a 'pressure of uncertainty' in these sort of things which leads to extreme tiredness.... then likely a few mistakes..

Which leads to being judged harshly for them....
Which can lead to tbe unshakeable feeling that yoj are being judged harshly for them.
And that last sentence represents the baggage
Bringing forward the negatives, which has to be broken down and understood at some point. (Doesnt mean any outcomes will change imo, but at least they might!)

 

[Progster]

From a NT .... here's a question ... as aspie, do you have it in you to make social compliments ... just for the sake of ... not sincerely ... for example ... when a woman has made an effort with her appearance ... to tell her ... "beautiful, gorgeous" ... because in the NT world, these kinds of compliments mean really "nothing", except that this is the expected response and we ladies would question their validity from certain men?

My inner emotion needs to match my outer emotion. I can't fake emotion, so I'm not going to pay someone a compliment unless I really mean it and feel it. I won't give a compliment jsut because of a social expectation, I have to really feel it. I don't really know when it is expected of my to make a compliment anyway. If I really like a person's appearance, I will make a compliment - or rather, offer an opinion that I like an aspect of their appearance - but what I won't EVER do is give a compliment in order to manipulate or flatter or butter someone up/suck up to someone.

 

[Judge]

Its not so much compliments given but that history of compliments not given, I feel.

A yin and yang of the same circle.

Negative experiences of one leads to negative experiences of the other.

Indeed. Yet that's just another dynamic that can make it so tricky for us.

 

[312Sarah]

I have a close aspie friend who never gives compliments. Ever. And in fact he is very critical of nearly everyone, but never to their faces. I understand the reasons for this, that they may reflect his own life experiences, etc. But nevertheless, those two things combined lead to the impression that he does not really like any of his friends and may speak badly about all of us behind our backs. That can be hard to swallow. I don't really expect compliments all the time, but every once in a while it would be nice to know our friend actually likes or appreciates SOMETHING about us, rather than simply feeling like we are the people he's stuck with for lack of better options. The only compliment he has ever given me has been something like "I like your shoes" which really has nothing to do with me. He would have liked them on the store rack just as well.

So, if you're looking for insight on how and when to give compliments, I agree with the above. Make compliments when they are sincere; you don't need to make things up just to flatter someone. Avoid complimenting body parts for people in whom you are not romantically interested. Otherwise, your'e good to go. Complimenting people's actions is normally the safest and the most personal/appreciated. Examples: "You did a great job at X" or "It was really thoughtful of you to Y" or "You are really good at Z." If people tell you about an accomplishment you can simply say congratulations. But as stated above, compliments are optional, so you need not give them if you don't have it in you or feel awkward doing so.

On the receiving end, there was a recent thread about this, but simply saying "thank you" is more than sufficient. If compliments make you uncomfortable, you can simply say thank you and change the subject. A quick thank you is the fastest way out of the conversation if that is the goal.

 

[Siobhan]

I agree about being sincere, and also I find I get a good reaction when I'm specific about what I like about the thing I'm complimenting. Like, "Nice dress! The colour reminds me of the ocean." The only thing about that approach is it can open the door to small talk so don't add details if you don't want to have a short conversation about whatever you're complimenting. Also agree with not complimenting people's bodies unless you're trying to flirt.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Also agree with not complimenting people's bodies unless you're trying to flirt.

Hey babe, I really like your forearm.

 

[Ragnahawk]

Memorizing the social concepts can make you seem more natural in a social setting. Be careful about comprising your own existence for another's approval. Better to keep it natural then fake it.

 

[Progster]

For me the most difficult thing is when someone 'fishes for compliments' and asks you if you like something they have done or made. If I like the thing, it's no problem for me to say that I like it, but what if I don't? That's when it gets awkward, because I can't fake liking something when I don't. I resent it when people put me in this position, I'd rather they didn't ask me. Though I also think that if they are going to ask for people's opinions, they should be prepared to accept any feedback they are given, constructive criticism, too.

 

[Ylva]

I have come to view compliment exchanges as a sort of bonding exercise, like small talk. The main reason it gets weird is when the person doesn't want to "bond" with you, because they consider you beneath them (in my experience).

Personally, I get inexplicably angry if someone tries to frame a compliment as an objective statement ("you're pretty") but not if they frame it as the subjective feeling it is ("I like your hair"). (My hair likes you back.)

 

[Chris Russell]

What an interesting thread! I find complimenting others has been one of the easier social skills to grasp, although I am sure that the quality of my compliments to others is often hit or miss - sometimes too minor a point, (no, it's a really nice shade of pink!) sometimes too intense (You're absolutely gorgeous!) or just off the mark or inappropriate... But what about how to respond to compliments you are given? This has the power to make me squirm, or even leave a room. They are not always given freely and woe betide those who do not reciprocate in kind... And the ones that are without strings and entirely sincere are almost worse... It is a minefield, and it used to worry the heck out of me, so I wrote a blog about it a while ago called 'Friendly Fire'. Have a look if you like... The Talentless Liar: Friendly fire

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

(You're absolutely gorgeous!) or just off the mark or inappropriate

Your face is brilliant.


(Kind of like that as per quote)

 

[Chris Russell]

Your face is brilliant.


(Kind of like that as per quote)

Yeah! I got intimately familiar with that pleasantly surprised/utterly horrified combo expression that people somehow manage to pull off when you've got it badly wrong.... you know the one?