The Art of the Compliment and the Social Rules Governing them

[Gritches]

I work on one thing at a time in my general quest to be a better, nicer, more likable person, and this week I feel like working on my complimenting skills. I feel like I'm still a bit awkward when I try to pay someone a compliment.

I'm not very good at giving compliments because I don't have much practice. Insincere compliments were used to bully me, and I'm sure we all know about that type of compliment, but I'm trying to get good at giving sincere compliments that make people feel good about themselves.

So my questions are: What are the social rules as you know them that govern the paying of compliments? Do you have any tips or nuggets of wisdom regarding compliments? Do's, don'ts, and sometimeses?

Any and all input on the subject is appreciated. Thank you!

 

[Progster]

My general rule for myself is to only give compliments if I really mean it. Let my enthusiasm and sincerity shine through. I can't fake insincere compliments anyway, it's against my nature and I'm lousy at it. I try to live by the rule that if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.

 

[Suzanne]

If I cannot help but compliment a female and just happen to be another female there too, I MUST try and find something to compliment the other way too, because I have this thing that I actually feel myself being very uncomfortable if someone is heavily complimenting another in front of me.

I have never found it hard to compliment, because I want a nice atmosphere, but alas, does not stop a certain type of female, to give me the daggers anyway.

 

[OkRad]

If I cannot help but compliment a female and just happen to be another female there too, I MUST try and find something to compliment the other way too, because I have this thing that I actually feel myself being very uncomfortable if someone is heavily complimenting another in front of me.

I have never found it hard to compliment, because I want a nice atmosphere, but alas, does not stop a certain type of female, to give me the daggers anyway.

This is perplexing. You mean another female will give you the daggers if you say something nice to someone else?
Also , when you feel uncomfortable with others complimented in front of you,is it feeling left out?

 

[OkRad]

I agree it has to be sincere. The trouble for me, is that what I value is in no way related to what NTs value. So I don't even know what to compliment them on!

In cases I have, it's been more like thanking someone for praying with me, or something like that. Like how much I see God's love in them, etc.

I once told a lady I liked her nails at the checkout. It was not because I like fake nails and crap, but they looked JUST LIKE those ruby shoes in the Wizard of Oz and it just looked cool. She just looked at me like, "Phhhhhhhhhhh, Weirdo"

So I just canned it.

I really don't talk in public much anymore. Don't expect compliments, don't give them, and want to be left alone.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I agree it has to be sincere. The trouble for me, is that what I value is in no way related to what NTs value. So I don't even know what to compliment them on!

In cases I have, it's been more like thanking someone for praying with me, or something like that. Like how much I see God's love in them, etc.

I once told a lady I liked her nails at the checkout. It was not because I like fake nails and crap, but they looked JUST LIKE those ruby shoes in the Wizard of Oz and it just looked cool. She just looked at me like, "Phhhhhhhhhhh, Weirdo"

So I just canned it.

I really don't talk in public much anymore. Don't expect compliments, don't give them, and want to be left alone.

I agree it has to be sincere. The trouble for me, is that what I value is in no way related to what NTs value. So I don't even know what to compliment them on!

Well, this could certainly be an issue, don't really know. Sincerity is the key though, I believe. I think people can discern when someone is being sincere vs. not being sincere.

 

[Suzanne]

This is perplexing. You mean another female will give you the daggers if you say something nice to someone else?
Also , when you feel uncomfortable with others complimented in front of you,is it feeling left out?

In my head they will, because of how I feel. Sadly, I tend to have misplaced empathy.

As for the daggers. It is more that after I have complimented, they react as it is "so what" sort of thing and carry on that nasty look.

Yes, very sadly, I do feel left out, but that is because of how little I like myself.

 

[OkRad]

In my head they will, because of how I feel. Sadly, I tend to have misplaced empathy.

As for the daggers. It is more that after I have complimented, they react as it is "so what" sort of thing and carry on that nasty look.

Yes, very sadly, I do feel left out, but that is because of how little I like myself.

Misplaced Empathy. Oh my, I get that. When I was young, I would ache for people who did not even ache for themselves as much as I did! My friend had schizophrenia and I couild not sleep for ten full days when I first met them. It was terrible! I had to harden up. Abuse hardened me up that is for sure.

But my hardness did not stick. Now I amjust broken. and worn out .BUt I still get that misplaced empathy and will now be on guard for that. If it comes back, I will squelch it. Now that I am older and one of the ones at the bottom, I can see no one even WANTS MY empathy!

I offered to a lady once who was all messed up and who was still "plugged in" She was youjng and cute and blonde and pregnant and not knowing what to do.

I went up to her once and said, "Hey, if you would like to go out for some tea sometime....?"

And she LITERALLY (and I do mean literally), pulled back her bead , gave one of those looks like "Yeah right!" and said, "Uh.....that's ok" with a look of disgust on her face.

Well, she had the baby and two more and her young buck of a hubby left her when she gained weight from the babies and she was at the study years later, broke, on welfare, three kids, unwanted and crying.......

I TRIED to feel sympathy. I really did. I could not. I just kept hearing in my head" STupid B***ch"

 

[Judge]

Seems to me there's a simple social dynamic with compliments in general. Whether or not they are either sincere or manipulative in their intent.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course there's never any guarantee as to how people may or may not accept them whether sincere or otherwise.

 

[OkRad]

Seems to me there's a simple social dynamic with compliments in general. Whether or not they are either sincere or manipulative in their intent.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course there's never any guarantee as to how people may or may not accept them whether sincere or otherwise.

I am tending to agree here. I think it is just one of those things NTs find soooo easy, but Spectrum and non-NTs get all confused over.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Seems to me there's a simple social dynamic with compliments in general. Whether or not they are either sincere or manipulative in their intent.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course there's never any guarantee as to how people may or may not accept them whether sincere or otherwise.

YES! So agree with this. Stick to being sincere and people will know you are. After all, compliments are optional and not required.

 

[Suzanne]

And she LITERALLY (and I do mean literally), pulled back her bead , gave one of those looks like "Yeah right!" and said, "Uh.....that's ok" with a look of disgust on her face.

That is always my fear, that if I offer help, I will get that look.

As it is, I know this single person, who so much wants to be not single and honestly, I have gone out of my way to be there for her; inviting her over for meals ( I really find hospitality difficult, but am trying my hardest) and invited others, so she could have the association. I have felt such empathy for her situation that I can FEEL her pain and it has caused me mental anguish and each sunday, I think: oh, no she is all alone etc and even though I have not wanted to, I have still invited her over for a meal.

Yet, every time we are alone, she is derisive to me. Now, I tried to reason with her, but she said she had no recollection, and wouldn't want to be the cause of hurt. So, I think: why is it when I am with my husband, she says things to insinuate that I am a bothersome person ie if only I was not there?

I have been so shocked at how she treats me when we are alone and I mean, when I have been of help to her, that I cannot think what on earth to say and really do not want to start anything that I end up feeling worse about.

But, now that empathy has nearly gone. I honestly cannot be bothered now. I am polite, but that is all.

Oh, she texted me and asked how I was the other day and I thought: wow, that is so nice and responded and then she asked for a dear friend of mine's, number ( I consequently find that it was to invite my friend for a meal and I couldn't be happier for my friend). But it made me realise she only asked how I was to be polite, because she wanted something. I rather one just text and say: hey, sorry to disturbe you, but do you have such and such's number? At least it is straight up.

 

[OkRad]

That is always my fear, that if I offer help, I will get that look.

As it is, I know this single person, who so much wants to be not single and honestly, I have gone out of my way to be there for her; inviting her over for meals ( I really find hospitality difficult, but am trying my hardest) and invited others, so she could have the association. I have felt such empathy for her situation that I can FEEL her pain and it has caused me mental anguish and each sunday, I think: oh, no she is all alone etc and even though I have not wanted to, I have still invited her over for a meal.

Yet, every time we are alone, she is derisive to me. Now, I tried to reason with her, but she said she had no recollection, and wouldn't want to be the cause of hurt. So, I think: why is it when I am with my husband, she says things to insinuate that I am a bothersome person ie if only I was not there?

I have been so shocked at how she treats me when we are alone and I mean, when I have been of help to her, that I cannot think what on earth to say and really do not want to start anything that I end up feeling worse about.

But, now that empathy has nearly gone. I honestly cannot be bothered now. I am polite, but that is all.

Oh, she texted me and asked how I was the other day and I thought: wow, that is so nice and responded and then she asked for a dear friend of mine's, number ( I consequently find that it was to invite my friend for a meal and I couldn't be happier for my friend). But it made me realise she only asked how I was to be polite, because she wanted something. I rather one just text and say: hey, sorry to disturbe you, but do you have such and such's number? At least it is straight up.

Oh my! She sounds like someone you are better off without. Yes, she may have all the troubles in the world. I am sure I AM that girl to many people just because when you are in pain, you can be snippy.

HOwever, I get it when people drop me and I am just now learning to drop people, too. I never ever did this in the past. We are always accused of being so crass nad harsh, but we are not. We are super sensitive. I never would ever drop someone and still DON"T WANT TO. But omg I am beat down now. Believe me, if someone really wanted to know me, I would be happy, but also NOW? suspicious, careful, concerned that it will fail, scared, afraid, etc...........too much, too long.............

I am not rude about it. I just don't email back and if I see them in the store, no normal OKRAD greeting which used to be "HI!!!! " and spill my guts........Now it's a low, non eye contact "hey..." If they ask how I am , they get a curt, "Good. You?" and I walk away briskly before they answer. Now I know they never really wanted to know how I was but even more importantly, they really don't care to tell me how they are either.

It's just the equivilant of dogs sniffing each others' butts..............

 

[Suzanne]

if I see them in the store

As it happens, she walked into a meeting and my dear husband motioned to her that she could sit with us, but I am afraid I looked right ahead and pretended I had not seen her and she nodded her head towards me ( always her tactic) and as horrible as it sounds, I found myself pretending to have not noticed which I am not proud of and turned with a false, bright smile and patted the seat next to me.

I now fully get her and in truth, do not like her and so, will have as minimal contact as possible.

 

[Li Li]

I love this thread (sincerely)! I need to think about a proper rely, but I am already practicing the fine art of compliments. Did anyone notice that if you add "sincerely" to the compliment it comes across as less sincere? Or no?

 

[Judge]

Did anyone notice that if you add "sincerely" to the compliment it comes across as less sincere? Or no?

Indeed. If one attempts to embellish a compliment, it can result in the opposite effect.

Which explains sayings like, "Laying it on a bit thick" implying excessive praise.

 

[PATILYN]

From a NT .... here's a question ... as aspie, do you have it in you to make social compliments ... just for the sake of ... not sincerely ... for example ... when a woman has made an effort with her appearance ... to tell her ... "beautiful, gorgeous" ... because in the NT world, these kinds of compliments mean really "nothing", except that this is the expected response and we ladies would question their validity from certain men?

 

[Judge]

From a NT .... here's a question ... as aspie, do you have it in you to make social compliments ... just for the sake of ... not sincerely ... for example ... when a woman has made an effort with her appearance ... to tell her ... "beautiful, gorgeous" ... because in the NT world, these kinds of compliments mean really "nothing", except that this is the expected response and we ladies would question their validity from certain men?

Nope. Eddie Haskell ruined that scenario when I was a child.

"You look lovely, Mrs. Cleaver".

Granted, sometimes saying nothing at all can get you into trouble. Believe me, I know! But personally I prefer to say nothing rather than to project insincerity under such circumstances.

 

[Gritches]

From a NT .... here's a question ... as aspie, do you have it in you to make social compliments ... just for the sake of ... not sincerely ... for example ... when a woman has made an effort with her appearance ... to tell her ... "beautiful, gorgeous" ... because in the NT world, these kinds of compliments mean really "nothing", except that this is the expected response and we ladies would question their validity from certain men?

What a handsome question

If I notice someone has put forth the effort - especially concerning women and their appearances, incidentally - I'll make sure I say something at least to acknowledge their efforts. I know it's important to them, so I say something at least indicating my approval. The way I figure, the internet exists; if I want to see beautiful women, there's entire industries centered around catering to that. Or beautiful cars. Or beautiful art. What's important to me is that it's important to them.

I guess that means the compliment was insincere, since my reason for complimenting is other than genuine admiration. On reflection of the replies so far, I think I'm seeing where I'm going wrong.

 

[LucyPurrs]

What a handsome question

If I notice someone has put forth the effort - especially concerning women and their appearances, incidentally - I'll make sure I say something at least to acknowledge their efforts. I know it's important to them, so I say something at least indicating my approval. The way I figure, the internet exists; if I want to see beautiful women, there's entire industries centered around catering to that. Or beautiful cars. Or beautiful art. What's important to me is that it's important to them.

I guess that means the compliment was insincere, since my reason for complimenting is other than genuine admiration. On reflection of the replies so far, I think I'm seeing where I'm going wrong.

Hate to think your caring enough to say something would be going wrong. You don't have to rave- can you say you look good or nice and still be sincere?