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Surprisingly unattractive

transitioning into physical intimacy isn't normally happening so early (i think), especially for someone on the spectrum. There has to be a lot of closeness and trust, it may be uncomfortable to painful to do it for some people. It eventually gets much better but the start is not easy.

Did the girl say why she said sorry? It sounds to me like she overstepped your boundaries and thought you didn't want her to kiss you. But you were too busy deprecating yourself to understand her hints of interest to you which even NT men have trouble with. They can't believe a girl would like them.
 
Dating is a trip both ways, you may just want to have fun with someone but they are looking for someone compatible on a deeper level and perhaps a lasting relationship that they can enjoy. If you're not considering having children or not or don't even have a decision yet, it seems to me like you're not looking for that serious of a relationship or building a family. which is understandable since you're not ready nor experienced, and looking just for experience and enjoyment/company. Are you romantic or aromantic?


People get very curious about someone they want as their partner and they really want to choose the one who is what's right for them, so what you answer to these questions is very important to them in whether they will consider you a good enough worthy potential partner. Thats like the first test in the trials
 
Girls who drink alcohol hang around bars and clubs, so maybe you have been looking in the wrong places for girls who could share your interests and habits. (But you said pubs are too noisy so maybe a bar where there are not many ppl or loud music or a private party with less people)
 
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Someone without opinions and philosophies may be seen as immature, inexperienced and unable to partake in a deep meaningful conversation, and people can feel really unsafe trusting someone who has no data about them and no interest in checking to see if they have things in common with them especially for life s important things, an opinion about children is known to be a real danger in causing even strong couples to break up. You do give a vibe of uncertainty and lack of serious intent or awareness.
 
"It was boring and stupid for me - I dont know these girls. I dont know where I will be. Plans are plans..."

It's true people change but if you don't even know where you are, it can seem quite risky to date you.
The point of the questions is to actually get to know you, and this is how you can show interest in them and also explore them as intellects and people. It's true people can lie but lies also come off through discussions and questions.
 
Pesky Person said:
must be learning... I'm just afraid, if I cannot see differences... damn! I would need a teacher by my side :)
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if you can get a friend to accompany you and advise you and discuss with him how it went, he can offer you insight. You can even excuse yourself here and there and go talk to him.
 
I have a theory. You say most girls you Kno w are girls you liked and you mentioned aphrodisiac effects of them based on certain traits of them, but all rejected you. Perhaps due to a childhood mind trap as a result of trauma you tend to choose based on who is likely to reject you, so go towards people who you get along with but aren't mortally attracted to. That could also help you focus on the conversation more.
 
Eric the NNT: I met some aspergers in facebook groups. Non of them seemed to be attractive for me (little too close-minded from my point of view). Later, one great looking girl wrote me, that she read about my dating problems and she has the same. So, we had a date (at least to find whats wrong with us). It was a disaster. Whole time, when I started to talk about me, she stopped listen to me. I had to ask her at the end. She answered that my whole life stopped to be interesting for her, because she found my job is not interesting for her (some basic administration...not great, not bad...usual work). That discouraged me a bit from idea that AS girl would be better option for me.

Poloftoon: Well, I speak rather quickly, but making mistakes (and I feel little bit stupid for it) and maybe, I could have better intonation. I'm used, when I'm talking in group of people, that nobody listen to much and they used to talk when I'm still talking (not exactly because it is slow or long...) It's not a great deal, but sometimes, I found myself suprised, when I whole group listened to me .)
Anyway - my hobby is photography (even my profile picture is self-portrait.)), so I will focus more on filming. I bought my first better (price tag over 1 dollar .)) microphone and this means, I will have to work more with my voice. It could help me little bit in my real life communication.
 
Rexi: I have been rejected frow all sort of girls. I'm not proud of it, but I have ever wanted to know how it is to have a sex .) Not so to pay for it and not so to go with girl I really dont like (very ugly or person I would never believe or like). I had a few good friends, talking to me how crazy horny period without boyfriend they had. But denied my help. Even so, one of my friend, not really great looking (on the edge of my line of atractivity) was in crysis and wanted to be with anyone. She started flirting with me, inviting me to the bed (over the internet). After that, she wrote it was bad idea, she just cant, because she doent feel anything more, its "chemistry" and she cant have sex with me. Well, I know she was in crysis, but I hate her since the accident. She knew about my problems and even so I talk to her, I dont like her as a friend anymore.
I was horrified. Ok, it's not nice from me, but I was almost topmodel next to her, more clever, more funny, more succesfull in work, more adventurous, but it was me, who was rejected. Later, she returned to her ex-boyfriend with words "she is not good enought to have a better one". It was really humiliating.
 
Oh. I think she wanted to try to help you and thought you were a good choice but the spark was lacking, she wasn't turned on or some things you said turned her off.

Its possible it was a rebound, and no one, no matter how better they are can compare to an ex if they're not moved on from and cut contact with them, especially if recent. I have met a perfect guy but my abusive ex decided he suddenly wanted me back despite knowing i was trying to move on, i wished the guy i met would have fought for me more, it was really hard not to return to the ex, but the new guy just ghosted me. Luckily now i have someone who managed to help me break up with him and cut contact, and then confessed shes been in love with me all along.
 
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Pesky Person said:
Hi all, it turned out lately, that I should be highly functional aspie. My life is not such a bad. Have a few friends, job... but what has been real pain - relationships. I have been always charmed, when I have spoted interesting girl nearby. But still, in my whole live, I had only one very short relationship (a few kisses, a few walks, quick and ugly ending). It was maybe 12 years ago and only case, I have ever had second date. People around say, I'm looking normal and behave like it (so not really weird, maybe a bit nervous), but I saw girls almost running away after I tried to invite them to go out. Also, when I try Tinder, its not such a big deal to have a date, but after first date, girls disappear (no bye, no explanation). Sometimes, it ends in friendzone. Strange is, even my real good friend was nervous, when I get too close to her comfort zone (and I was only one in this role from all her friends). I can hear very often, that girls can't imagine me as partner (only friend).

After so many refusals, I feel quite (long-term) depressed. I have never heard, where could be a problem, so its problem to find solution. As a bonus, I'm not ugly, stupid, not so boring... so its quite hard to point. I hoped, that anybody had the same problem? It would be great to get some advice or directing. Anyway, thanks for reading.)
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Shame, my friend. I know exactly what you've been through. You're a super-special guy like me who does everything possible to make yourself and the lady happy, and I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I've practically emptied my life savings on a lady to stop her from dumping me. But nothing ever works - have you had that as well? Join the club, dude. I see myself as such a good guy and yet I get dumped! So DOWNRIGHT FRUSTRATING! And my situation is so bad I've actually set up a consultation with a relationship specialist. Maybe you'd like to do the same?
 
Rexi said:
Oh. I think she wanted to try to help you and thought you were a good choice but the spark was lacking, she wasn't turned on or some things you said turned her off.

Its possible it was a rebound, and no one, no matter how better they are can compare to an ex if they're not moved on from and cut contact with them, especially if recent. I have met a perfect guy but my abusive ex decided he suddenly wanted me back despite knowing i was trying to move on, i wished the guy i met would have fought for me more, it was really hard not to return to the ex, but the new guy just ghosted me. Luckily now i have someone who managed to help me break up with him and cut contact, and then confessed shes been in love with me all along.
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It's not exactly what happened. She later indirectly admitted that she wanted to feel better and wanted. I can't trust her like before. Not angry yet, just lost interest in her as a person. I would never think about having sex with her (without her started talking about it) and personally, I'm not sure she is sexy enought. But, and it sounds selfish, it's worse to hear that unatractive person doesnt wanted you (instead of pretty one).
Only just to be fair, I was guest at her wedding. I wasnt jealous. It was just boring .) (I dont like wedding, furneals...)
 
Roy Nel said:
Shame, my friend. I know exactly what you've been through. You're a super-special guy like me who does everything possible to make yourself and the lady happy, and I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I've practically emptied my life savings on a lady to stop her from dumping me. But nothing ever works - have you had that as well? Join the club, dude. I see myself as such a good guy and yet I get dumped! So DOWNRIGHT FRUSTRATING! And my situation is so bad I've actually set up a consultation with a relationship specialist. Maybe you'd like to do the same?
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Not exactly. You can't buy someone's attention. Ok, you can buy more time together, but it's just a pain, not real relationship.
I pay on a date at a restaurant. It is polite. But I hate expensive gifts (in both directions). Even so, I prefer financial independence for both of us.
She has to like you, not money or gifts. I remember one colleague. He bought a horse to her girlfriend...and she had less time for him. So, he gave her an ultimatum. She chose the horse .) Later he liked one girl from work. She was (and still is) happy with her boyfriend. But he invited her to the cinema (saying it's not a date), paid for her. Later buying her chocolates and etc in work. Later invited her to his flat and telling her if she would be with him, he would let her live there for free.
Believe me, the girl (we shared a room at work) and I found it ridiculous. For me, he clearly looked like looser. You cant change anyone to like you. And you can pay for sex, not for love. Its sad, but true.
 
Pesky Person said:
Eric the NNT: I met some aspergers in facebook groups. Non of them seemed to be attractive for me (little too close-minded from my point of view). Later, one great looking girl wrote me, that she read about my dating problems and she has the same. So, we had a date (at least to find whats wrong with us). It was a disaster. Whole time, when I started to talk about me, she stopped listen to me. I had to ask her at the end. She answered that my whole life stopped to be interesting for her, because she found my job is not interesting for her (some basic administration...not great, not bad...usual work). That discouraged me a bit from idea that AS girl would be better option for me.
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Meeting a single person on the spectrum and not getting into a relationship does not mean anything.

Dating is a numbers game, otherwise any single NT meeting another NT would instantly result in reproduction. It doesn't work that way - there has to be chemistry.

The key is to play the right numbers - continue to pull from the NNT pool and try to ignore the NT pool and you'll increase the odds.
 
I agree - meeting single person doesn't mean anything.

As a first - let's omit the chemistry. It doesn't work overall and yes, this is problem to solve, but it works on everyone the same.

People adviced me to date with AS people. So I would guess better experiences. But date was terrible, and the worst from her side was (in my point of view) due her spectrum. I don't judge other AS, but I saw that it wasn't better than other dates. So why prefer AS?
We are still at one person, but over the internet, I was in three AS FB groups (etc 50-200 members). Honestly - I didn't like it. There people weren't bad, but very soon, I found myself in role one of the most optimistic person, comforting others (it is my nature when I see someone in worse troubles than me, otherwise I also complain enough). That's ok, people are helping each other, I have my own problems. But soon, I felt exhausted.
I guess, there could be fine AS partner for me, but I dont see I should prefer them over NT.
 
Pesky Person said:
As a first - let's omit the chemistry. It doesn't work overall and yes, this is problem to solve, but it works on everyone the same.
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Chemistry most certainly does not work on everyone the same. For instance, current theories posit that a complementary immune system plays a large part in attraction.

I Want Your Antibodies

Pesky Person said:
But date was terrible, and the worst from her side was (in my point of view) due her spectrum. I don't judge other AS, but I saw that it wasn't better than other dates. So why prefer AS?
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Imagine how other people view you with the exact same feeling. If you can't even get a NNT to view you in a positive light, knowing everything they know about the issue, how on Earth do you think a NT will view you?
 
Eric the NNT said:
Chemistry...?
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I'm not sure we understand each other. I wasn't talking about how chemistry work or not. I just mentioned, that chemistry don't balance in choice between NT and spectrum ones. So, we can omit this variable in next part of my post.

I don't disagree about how people could see me. But what is the point? I don't say I dislike spectrum people, just say I see no reason why to prefer them as a potencional girlfriend? The fact, I didnt feel well in these groups after some time just didnt help it. But as I said, I could imagine I would find some great AS girlfriend.
And yes, many NT has problems with me. Anyway, I have still great (longterm) NT friends. Maybe it sounds funny, but in my state, these people helps me a lot to be...well, lets say better. But of course, sometimes I have to "translate" and adjust their advices.

Nevermind. Point is - NT or spectrum girl - non of them is closer to solve my problem, so its meaningless in this case. My bad experience with the girl was just and example, not conviction.
 
Eric the NNT said:
I did not say you would prefer them.

I am simply saying it is more likely a girl on the spectrum will like you back.
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But I don't see real reason for it. How I said, I met more NT girls I liked and they liked me. Sometimes I was one of their bestfriends and they talked about in me in this way. But, lets say "no chemistry" was there (I guess, problem is somewhere in my behavior).

I haven't met girl (or anyone) on spectrum, with whom I would had longer conversations.
 
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