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Featured Surprisingly unattractive

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Pesky Person, Mar 11, 2020.

  1. Pesky Person

    Pesky Person Active Member

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    Hi all, it turned out lately, that I should be highly functional aspie. My life is not such a bad. Have a few friends, job... but what has been real pain - relationships. I have been always charmed, when I have spoted interesting girl nearby. But still, in my whole live, I had only one very short relationship (a few kisses, a few walks, quick and ugly ending). It was maybe 12 years ago and only case, I have ever had second date. People around say, I'm looking normal and behave like it (so not really weird, maybe a bit nervous), but I saw girls almost running away after I tried to invite them to go out. Also, when I try Tinder, its not such a big deal to have a date, but after first date, girls disappear (no bye, no explanation). Sometimes, it ends in friendzone. Strange is, even my real good friend was nervous, when I get too close to her comfort zone (and I was only one in this role from all her friends). I can hear very often, that girls can't imagine me as partner (only friend).

    After so many refusals, I feel quite (long-term) depressed. I have never heard, where could be a problem, so its problem to find solution. As a bonus, I'm not ugly, stupid, not so boring... so its quite hard to point. I hoped, that anybody had the same problem? It would be great to get some advice or directing. Anyway, thanks for reading.)
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2020
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  2. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    I've never had a girlfriend either. I have some good female friends but none are more than that. It'd be nice to have a romantic relationship for sure so I can see your point.

    If you do wish to date I suggest you join a club and find someone who has the same interests as you, good luck.
     
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  3. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Don't give up. It often takes us a lot longer to develop the right skills for relationships and find the right person. But it can and does happen.
     
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  4. Pesky Person

    Pesky Person Active Member

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    It doesn't need just time. Something must be (radically?) changed. I was rejected by many, many girls. Some of them (before/after) were my friends and we had great time together, but I stayed friend for them. Thank you, but I would rather look for time tips, ideas...now I'm empty :)

    And of course, I have changed during the years - more self-confident, more independent, bold, adventurous, looking to the eyes:) But surprisingly, in case of dating nothing has changed.
     
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  5. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    Questions/Suggestions:

    (1) Do you know these girls before you ask them out? If so do you have anything in common?

    (2) If you don't know them, where do you go to meet them.

    (3) Have you tried just going out, drinking and listening to music, not really trying to pursue a date? This often worked for me, with girls asking me to dance. If you ever try this, just go with the flow. Don't overthink or try to be clever. Girls like to feel safe and they like to feel like they are in control. Don't be overly assertive, but at the end of the evening ask if she would like to go out sometime and get her number. (Also don't call her the next day; allow 2-3 days to pass so you don't seem too eager. Also, put some thought into creative activities that she might be interested in. For example, spending time at the beach, attending a concert, attending a festival, not something ordinary. You want to seem interesting.

    (4) Ask someone you know to give you constructive criticism, and listen to what they have to say.

    (5) Get in the habit of going out on a regular basis even if you do not have a date. Don't act weird, but just watch people and observe. You can learn a lot by watching people.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2020
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  6. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    I have never kissed a girl or even gone out with one so you don't have it as bad at least you gone out. Don't forget I grew up with all male cousins. I am only finally talking to some of them which I am finding it to be a bit easier than I thought it was although most of the time you have to approach them.

    For that stupid saying "Tis better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved at all." I never been loved so I find it dumb. No offensive to the OP.
     
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  7. Pesky Person

    Pesky Person Active Member

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    Thank you for suggestions.

    1) It depends, but usually - more I knew them before = better conversation. When I ask personally (semi)uknown person, it was disaster. Usually prefer texting over internet before. But still - starting conversation without knowing anything about the person is quite difficult for me.

    2) The internet .) Or at work, school (not yet), friends of friends (not so often).

    3) Thats quite complicated for me. Sounds maybe little funny (and I thought it is one of the symptoms of an asperger) - I have problems to recognize what are people talking in busy environment... more than normal. So, after a few "what?" I'm starting to pretend I hear what other say... so music clubs and pubs are not my favourite places for date. Alcohol is quite problem too.. I works only a bit (I'm the person, who can have 10 beers, a few drinks and takes her friends home and remeber everything... it is a curse! :)), but I get the point and you are right. I should need more relax and not such actively chasing girls .)

    4) That's surprisingly big issue - I tried to ask almost every girl, who refused me and was able to be cruelly honest. But even my good (girl) friends (who would never lie me) didn't know the answer. They just feel it in that way. It was suprising for me.

    5) They don't seem to behave in a logic way .) I have quite strange problem, for example with friends/colleagues in work. When I'm talking, I can see, if I'm not atractive speaker (their faces), but have no clue why...and what was wrong. So, sometimes, I met girl (even at work), who (and I would swear that) had greedy look towards me. But it was slowly disappearing and I couldn't see anything wrong from me. I know, must be learning... I'm just afraid, if I cannot see differences... damn! I would need a teacher by my side :)
     
  8. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    I am a lot older than you, so internet did not even exist when I was your age. You might try a different approach, it would not hurt. Also I struggle with large noisy crowds, but sometimes you have to go out of your comfort zone. I don't have an answer for this. At some point after you get to talk to the young lady, you will want to learn what she likes, and you can mention what you like. Maybe tell her you are sensitive to loud sounds and prefer romantic intimate surroundings. Your focus should be on her and not you as much as possible.

    Just the fact that you are having this discussion takes courage, and you should feel good about that. It takes time, but I predict you will succeed.
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2020
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  9. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    Maybe try to find a social hangout which you can tolerate in terms of sensory input. Ask one of your safe friends to go with you, and tell them you are wanting to meet someone. If you haven't disclosed your ASD to them, do so. Maybe they just don't understand you.
     
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  10. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    For some of us, our best opportunities at socialization happen on the level of friends. Which more likely don't involve the pressures and social rituals of dating.

    Didn't have a lot of girlfriends, but of those I had they were all friends first. Where friendship blossomed into something more. Happening on a social level I could handle, rather than dealing head-on with the rigors of dating. With of course the understanding that not every friendship inevitably evolves into romance either.

    You might just try it as a social experiment. Seek out friends rather than girlfriends...where there is far less pressure. Where you may be more relaxed enough for someone to truly get to know you in a far less awkward manner.
     
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  11. Lena_131309

    Lena_131309 Active Member

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    I am NT woman so maybe I could give you some advice...With asking girls out / going for a first date, it can be very tricky, sometimes really small detail (of what you say or do), you can be completely not aware of, can make them "disappear" immediately...So maybe, if you can, you could share more details, how you behave exactly (from asking them out to your behaviour during and after the dates), I could spot it out and tell you where the problem is.
     
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  12. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    What's your first language? Have you dated very many people who speak that language as well?
     
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  13. Pesky Person

    Pesky Person Active Member

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    Judge: Well, my good friends are girls I liked, but they didn't want me as a boyfriend. Anyway, I like girls, who doesn't make me nervous (smiling, open-minded)...seems to be aphrodisiac for me.

    Lena_131309: It is hard to describe. I don't see THE mistakes, so I can't tell you. Maybe I would need someone to be side by side. I hoped, anybody could share similar problem a his solution .) I think my problem may be body language... but who knows. I really don't like first touches from not yet very close person.

    Fino: Good point. I have used English in conversations only rarely. I have been dating only in Czech. Funny part is - in text form, I can use Czech quite well (here and there I write nice poems), but speeking is a bigger challenge for me. It's hard to think in real time a precisely finish sentences (friends say I'm OK, but I'm not satisfied).
     
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  14. Rexi

    Rexi uwu owo uwu SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3 V.I.P Member

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    To exceed the friendzone you need confidence and laid backness, and humor is a natural attractive thing to women. Be a little tease when she says something good about herself to show you're not intimidated like the regular creep who's trying to woo her. Find a balance where you're not a douche but not a plain talker either, so when she says something a goid replyvis more than the common 'okay' or simple answer. Make it fun and interesting, and instead of making advances on her focus on making her laugh. Girls just like to have fun, don't we, after all? There's the concept of a woman 'testing' her man for weaknesses, where you have to resist arguing with her and just have a laugh with her about it. But for now, I think the first things will suffice.
     
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  15. Lena_131309

    Lena_131309 Active Member

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    Ok, then let's try from different angle. Where do you usually go for your dates? have you considered cinema? It's a bit cliche, but it gives good "introduction" to go for a drink later on...Why do you think your body language could be an issue? if you write that you have problem with "first touches from not yet very close person"...does it mean that you do not feel comfortable with, for example, giving them cheek-kiss as saying hi, when you meet? To be very honest, if it's you on your profile picture, then you are indeed very handsome guy so there should be no reasons why (most of the) women would consider you physically unattractive.
    Maybe the key to your questions is on the other side...What kind of girls are you approaching? If it is the same "type" all the time, it is possible that they are actually "not interested" in your "type"...Maybe it would be wise to try to approach different women, not particularly from your friend zone only.
     
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  16. Pesky Person

    Pesky Person Active Member

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    Rexi: Humor is my defense and always have been help to not get insane .) Maybe Im little weird combination of excited positive children and negative old man full of responsibility and suspicious to manking... I can be teasing, using a humor, but its quite hard to find "compatible" person. Im trying to improve my skills. Sometimes, but its rare, start looks good, I feel to be enjoying the girl, but transition into intimate (physical) relationship is still unreachable...

    Lena: I would prefer as a first date some fun activity - bowling, hiking... where you are doing something together, not just talking at the table. But, usually it ends like it - girls want just to walk and sit for a coffee (not alcohol) and well, funny is - my tinder dates remainded me job interviews. Questions about children, future careers. It was boring and stupid for me - I dont know these girls. I dont know where I will be. Plans are plans... I'm just looking for someone to make me feel good with - that is the most important.
    Anyway, Its also important not just what you say, but how. I asked one girl at university(!) to have a hot chocolade next week. I was very nervous and she was shy...but said yes. Next whole month, she was hiding (which was really humiliating for both of us).
    And yes, I dont like first touches. Even hand on my shoulder. Its ok, when Im prepared... hug is very pleasant after one second of not so good feeling. Touching from my side is rare. Im trying to improve my skills but still - I can handle not so intimate things. Cheek kiss only as a "unnatural" birthday custom. I can put a hand on shoulder of people almost naturaly. Im not afraid to touch someone. Just saying you can feel I have a problem with it. Im not chicken, but being brave is not enought. I remember one time with my friend in a tent. I slowly kissed her. I was terrible! She looked at me, like I would be a puppy and said sorry to me (I would rather by punched, listen how big idiot am I, but not sorry...). After the years, I feel like good monster.
    Yes, its me on picture. It looks better than reality, but not so much. Problem (I guess) its not how Im looking. Maybe even what am I saying (I have friends who like me...), so, maybe the body language? I have heard, that it is common problem for aspies. They have worse body language acting and reading. If its true, I wouldnt see my mistakes. And, well, I dont see where the mistake is...so, that logic way.
     
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  17. Eric the NNT

    Eric the NNT Active Member

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    Dating is the culmination of social congruity, so it's no wonder people on the spectrum face so much resistance.

    Personally, I just stopped even wasting my time with trying. As far as I am concerned, the typical person is so different that we might as well be different species.

    (The species hypothesis might actually be correct, sadly enough.)

    Have you tried dating other people on the spectrum?
     
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  18. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member

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    diversion start
    Off the wall question to Eric - what does NNT stand for?
    diversion send
     
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  19. Eric the NNT

    Eric the NNT Active Member

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    Non Neurotypical
     
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  20. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes, I read things wrong. So, please correct me if I'm reading this wrong. I think you said that you tend to speak slow. Maybe the people you date feel they have dated other people with similar qualities that satisfy them enough that they would rather be with those other people. It takes a person a lot of energy to listen and communicate with you if that is the case. That can be hard for someone who wants to consider a relationship. If you find a potential girlfriend who also has a hard time speaking normally, (if this is the case), this could be very helpful in your case.

    Also, finding common interests can be a big plus. Try meetup.com, which is better for looking for interest groups near/in bigger cities.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2020
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