Sorry for Another Sad Topic...

[Fino]

...but I'm conflicted. It'll be hard to give a completely accurate picture just because it has such a long history, but I'll try to give enough relevant information to provide context.

Four years ago, after my relationship ended, the one I made a previous topic about, I replaced that relationship with friendships with four people. We abused drugs together for about three years.

Over the course of those three years, all of them became very attached to me, which tends to happen to me. I have always, even since I was a kid, elicited strong responses, whether it be intense hatred and rage, or intense affection, love, and obsession. Maybe that can be another topic of discussion...

I lived with two of them, along with two unrelated people, for about three months. One of them fell in love with me, I didn't reciprocate, he became obsessive and violent, and we kicked him out of the apartment. Long story that is only relevant because the person who kicked him out is the subject of the topic.

He is a fifty-year-old I became friends with at the community college and helped him move out of his abusive family's home. He also "fell in love" with me. He's not gay, but it seems an awful lot like the other people who said they were in love with me. He was severely abused as a child, his dad killed himself (the abuser), and he's abused drugs for about thirty years, thinking it as a good thing and giving me many long speeches about that, as he provided the drugs.

Anyway I didn't respond to his obsession the way he wanted (I keep very busy), and he also became enraged. I left the apartment in the middle of the night, after he had been verbally abusive for several hours and destructive towards objects with threats to be violent towards me.

I moved out, and, over the course of the next year, he continually sent me disturbing, threatening emails. I changed emails but the email he had was my college email, which I was required to check regularly. I didn't read the emails past the first couple emails, I just saw that more were continually being sent, and I would accidentally read the creepy subject lines.

I was able to avoid checking my email for several months recently then had to check just a few days and saw there was another. I didn't read it but told a friend in exasperation that I was still receiving the emails. He said he wanted to read it, and after he did, he told me I should read it, assuring me it wasn't violent or threatening.

My dilemma here is whether or not I should respond or do anything or just ignore it or what. It seems cruel to ignore it, but answering seems as if it wouldn't lead to anything good either. Three friends advised me to do nothing, but I wanted to ask here as my last consideration on the subject.

Here's the email:

"Dear Alex,
I'm just writing this to you as a final battle cry for hope and help, and to ultimately leave something behind me; because I know you loved me at some point in your life as I have never stopped loving you.

I am writing this to tell you that I'm drinking myself to death, because I just can't stand the pain of being anymore, and all the hate and rejection of this world: why does this world reject and hate so much when there is so much to love in this world and so much to admire?

It seems that hate has conquered love in my life. Maybe it's my fault? It must be my fault, or else I wouldn't have hurt you all the others that I'm hurting by drinking myself to death.

So I just wanted to apologize and to say that I'm so sorry for not being strong enough to have loved you as much as you deserved. I'm so sorry for not having loved you as much as you deserved to be loved, and for not taking the pain of this world away from you.
I love you with all all of my hear and from my cold dark grave.
With Love,
Hammy"

I left the names because I'm okay with my name being known and that's not his name, it's a nick-name, which makes it okay, right? I'm not exactly sure what the reasons are to not give names, so I'm not sure if it helps that it isn't his legal name.

Sorry for always adding such long, depressing posts! I think this should be the last for a while... but I didn't see this coming so who knows.

Thank you!

 

[TheFreeCat]

...but I'm conflicted. It'll be hard to give a completely accurate picture just because it has such a long history, but I'll try to give enough relevant information to provide context.

Four years ago, after my relationship ended, the one I made a previous topic about, I replaced that relationship with friendships with four people. We abused drugs together for about three years.

Over the course of those three years, all of them became very attached to me, which tends to happen to me. I have always, even since I was a kid, elicited strong responses, whether it be intense hatred and rage, or intense affection, love, and obsession. Maybe that can be another topic of discussion...

I lived with two of them, along with two unrelated people, for about three months. One of them fell in love with me, I didn't reciprocate, he became obsessive and violent, and we kicked him out of the apartment. Long story that is only relevant because the person who kicked him out is the subject of the topic.

He is a fifty-year-old I became friends with at the community college and helped him move out of his abusive family's home. He also "fell in love" with me. He's not gay, but it seems an awful lot like the other people who said they were in love with me. He was severely abused as a child, his dad killed himself (the abuser), and he's abused drugs for about thirty years, thinking it as a good thing and giving me many long speeches about that, as he provided the drugs.

Anyway I didn't respond to his obsession the way he wanted (I keep very busy), and he also became enraged. I left the apartment in the middle of the night, after he had been verbally abusive for several hours and destructive towards objects with threats to be violent towards me.

I moved out, and, over the course of the next year, he continually sent me disturbing, threatening emails. I changed emails but the email he had was my college email, which I was required to check regularly. I didn't read the emails past the first couple emails, I just saw that more were continually being sent, and I would accidentally read the creepy subject lines.

I was able to avoid checking my email for several months recently then had to check just a few days and saw there was another. I didn't read it but told a friend in exasperation that I was still receiving the emails. He said he wanted to read it, and after he did, he told me I should read it, assuring me it wasn't violent or threatening.

My dilemma here is whether or not I should respond or do anything or just ignore it or what. It seems cruel to ignore it, but answering seems as if it wouldn't lead to anything good either. Three friends advised me to do nothing, but I wanted to ask here as my last consideration on the subject.

Here's the email:

"Dear Alex,
I'm just writing this to you as a final battle cry for hope and help, and to ultimately leave something behind me; because I know you loved me at some point in your life as I have never stopped loving you.

I am writing this to tell you that I'm drinking myself to death, because I just can't stand the pain of being anymore, and all the hate and rejection of this world: why does this world reject and hate so much when there is so much to love in this world and so much to admire?

It seems that hate has conquered love in my life. Maybe it's my fault? It must be my fault, or else I wouldn't have hurt you all the others that I'm hurting by drinking myself to death.

So I just wanted to apologize and to say that I'm so sorry for not being strong enough to have loved you as much as you deserved. I'm so sorry for not having loved you as much as you deserved to be loved, and for not taking the pain of this world away from you.
I love you with all all of my hear and from my cold dark grave.
With Love,
Hammy"

I left the names because I'm okay with my name being known and that's not his name, it's a nick-name, which makes it okay, right? I'm not exactly sure what the reasons are to not give names, so I'm not sure if it helps that it isn't his legal name.

Sorry for always adding such long, depressing posts! I think this should be the last for a while... but I didn't see this coming so who knows.

Thank you!

I am so sorry you had to go through that! That is intense.

I don't have any advice, because I always used to attach like that. It is so hard and humiliating.

It is why my New Year's Resolution is to let NO ONE IN ever again. I am not kidding.

 

[TheFreeCat]

PS. I would not ignore it. I would respond and say it's your last response. I'd say I was sorry he was going through that, but you cannot help him......and hope he gets professional help. Something like that. And let him know you will not respond again.

 

[Tom]

Contacting is most likely to just restart the whole mess over again. Ignor.

 

[Fino]

PS. I would not ignore it. I would respond and say it's your last response. I'd say I was sorry he was going through that, but you cannot help him......and hope he gets professional help. Something like that. And let him know you will not respond again.

Part of my reluctance--because I also thought of saying something about getting help--is that he has very strong, ingrained, life-long opinions on "professional help," and the evils of all doctors of any kind and anything related. And contrary opinions don't count, as he considers himself considerably more intelligent and wise than most all other humans.

 

[SusanLR]

Then leave that part out about getting professional help.
Just tell him you will not respond again, best of luck and adios.

 

[Bolletje]

I would ignore it. This mail has the stink of emotional blackmail all over it.

 

[Fino]

People are saying to ignore or answer in equal proportion! It's like my brain being projected!

 

[Nauti]

It's very emotionally manipulative. He is, clearly, a very disturbed person. He needs to understand that he is responsible for changing himself and that that kind of ploy is cruel, manipulative and a sign of someone very cognitively distorted.

Somewhere on this site is a great one page list describing what healthy boundaries consist of. It sounds like you both need that information.

What do you want out of this? What outcome are you wanting?
Honestly, this is a drowning man wanting to latch on to some bleeding heart softie, who has poor boundaries, and drag them down with him.
There will be no winning or positive outcome if he is unwilling to take honest account of himself and his behaviour. Drug&Alcohol rehab would be appropriate.

If you do decide to reply to his heavily laden, dramatic, histrionic email, I advise you put some healthy boundaries and parameters around any further contact.

If it were me, I would want some evidence that he was addressing his issues and committing to real and self-caring change, before I opened any kind of door to him.

Threatening to "drink himself to death" certainly isn't that.

If he isn't willing to treat himself with any kind of care, responsibility or respect, what makes you think he would treat anyone else with respect, integrity or maturity?

I would chastise him for his negative attitude and tell him I am committing to living more healthily, learning to have personal boundaries that respect myself and other's, and that he needs to learn what they are and start demonstrating them, before I can place any level of trust in him, If I decided that replying was something I wanted to do. But, because he is so manipulative, I personally, have had an absolute nuff of people treating me like that, but then, I am much older than you, and put up with manipulative, narcissistic and histronic treatment for over 40 years, so, yeah, I've had enough.

Perhaps your heart and conscience calls you to respond, if so, I hope something of what I have shared might help clarify things, a little.

 

[Starfire]

I would ignore and delete. You are not responsible for someone else drinking or their sobriety. You have no power or control over anyone but yourself.

If he wants to drink or use drugs he will do it regardless of whether you are there or not, or anything that you say or do. Take it from me, a person with decades of active addiction problems.

If he pins all his hopes on you getting him sober but still continues, then he may see that as being your fault for letting him down or failing him because that’s easier than taking responsibility for himself.

You did a good job getting away from a bad situation don’t let yourself get hooked back into it voluntarily. Concentrate on yourself and your studies, people like this are like vampires they will drain your hope, energy and humanity, and give you nothing but negativity in return, or potentially far worse.

If you don’t respond to the email he will never know if you ever even read it. If you don’t, it might not be long before he wants to know why you ignored all the previous messages he sent but didn’t respond to.

I say make a clean break and walk away, that’s the best way you could help him, it’s your choice though you do what you think is best.

 

[Autistamatic]

I recognise your dilemma. I would be stuck between my desire to "do the right thing" and self preservation. I have made the wrong choice more than once and paid the price so I say choose self preservation. There is likely very little you can do to help and could easily burn yourself out trying.

 

[Catana]

Classic emotional manipulation. People like that don't usually change, and if they do, it has to be by their own efforts. How many times do you have to be burned before you learn your lesson? And why aren't his emails automatically going into your spam folder? The fact that you haven't taught your email server to regard his email address as spam says a lot about your inability to draw a line and stick to it.

 

[Mia]

Oh Fino, this is so much drama and sadness on the part of Hammy. You should block his email address.
If you don't know how, instructions are here: https://www.google.ca/search?source.......1..gws-wiz.......0j0i131j0i10.jcyExn-Q_QY
It's not up to you to save people you know from themselves. Many people, including myself have done it though. We simply get burned over time, and then we eventually realize that saving them from themselves is also enabling them to continue on doing similar things, without the consequences. Maybe because they have a fall back position or person to rely on.

It's all very well to recognize that your estranged friend has had a rough life, that's understandable. Yet in retrospect you feel pity for them, but you can't fix them. It's a difficult decision to walk away from someone you know who wants your help. And it might seem hard-hearted to do so. But you've already helped him, and that was kind. That doesn't mean you should rescue them for the rest of their lives.

 

[Pats]

Abusive people do tend to plead to get back into your life and will continue to do whatever they think it'll take to get back into your life - only to get back into their abusive habits. My first thought was to respond by letting them know you're done, but then that WOULD make them think they're getting to you and will try even harder. They start with the threats and when that doesn't work, they go for sympathy. Ignore and block if you need to. You were someone that he was able to abuse and he needs you back to fill that need. To him, that is what love is - to you, it's not.

 

[Fino]

Oh Fino, this is so much drama and sadness on the part of Hammy. You should block his email address.
If you don't know how, instructions are here: blocking emails - Google Search
It's not up to you to save people you know from themselves. Many people, including myself have done it though. We simply get burned over time, and then we eventually realize that saving them from themselves is also enabling them to continue on doing similar things, without the consequences. Maybe because they have a fall back position or person to rely on.

It's all very well to recognize that your estranged friend has had a rough life, that's understandable. Yet in retrospect you feel pity for them, but you can't fix them. It's a difficult decision to walk away from someone you know who wants your help. And it might seem hard-hearted to do so. But you've already helped him, and that was kind. That doesn't mean you should rescue them for the rest of their lives.

Classic emotional manipulation. People like that don't usually change, and if they do, it has to be by their own efforts. How many times do you have to be burned before you learn your lesson? And why aren't his emails automatically going into your spam folder? The fact that you haven't taught your email server to regard his email address as spam says a lot about your inability to draw a line and stick to it.

The block feature doesn't seem to work. I tried that initially, checking several times to ensure I did it correctly but the emails still come through.

Next, I marked several as spam and that didnt have any noticeable effect, unless there are more emails than I'm aware of because some were filtered out.

The email is "outlook" and the directions at the link are what I did. Unless I'm missing something I can't imagine, their service just doesn't work.

 

[Fino]

So many amazing replies! Thank you all so much!

After reading everyone's comments several times, I feel okay with not answering.

I had a feeling I shouldn't in the first place but couldnt stop debating it in my head. This has helped a lot.

Thank you.

 

[Mia]

The email is "outlook" and the directions at the link are what I did. Unless I'm missing something I can't imagine, their service just doesn't work.

It does. I've used it many times. Sometimes depending on which era of outlook it is, there are different instructions on how to block.

"Select Add sender to blocked sender list from the menu. Select Add sender's domain to blocked sender list from the menu to block messages not only from this sender but from all addresses at the same domain.

Learn How to Block a Sender in Windows Live Mail or Outlook Express

 

[Fino]

It does. I've used it many times. Sometimes depending on which era of outlook it is, there are different instructions on how to block.

"Select Add sender to blocked sender list from the menu. Select Add sender's domain to blocked sender list from the menu to block messages not only from this sender but from all addresses at the same domain.

Learn How to Block a Sender in Windows Live Mail or Outlook Express

Thank you!

It appears to have worked.

What I had done before was add the email to a "blocked senders list," which claims to move all emails from the sender to the junk folder. That didn't seem to do anything.

What you linked didn't seem to be referencing what I was using, but it led me to realize that I need to search for the specific email type, or whatever that's called. I'm not great with technology. But your link made me see that there are many different versions, not just "outlook" and I searched my version, "Office 365," and that led to instructions I hadn't seen before. The messages vanished when I did it, so I think it worked. If only I discovered that earlier...

Oh well!

Thanks again!

Unless he attempts to physically find me, this should be over!

We'll see!

Thank you again to everyone! You are all invaluable!

 

[ftfipps]

...but I'm conflicted. It'll be hard to give a completely accurate picture just because it has such a long history, but I'll try to give enough relevant information to provide context.

Four years ago, after my relationship ended, the one I made a previous topic about, I replaced that relationship with friendships with four people. We abused drugs together for about three years.

Over the course of those three years, all of them became very attached to me, which tends to happen to me. I have always, even since I was a kid, elicited strong responses, whether it be intense hatred and rage, or intense affection, love, and obsession. Maybe that can be another topic of discussion...

I lived with two of them, along with two unrelated people, for about three months. One of them fell in love with me, I didn't reciprocate, he became obsessive and violent, and we kicked him out of the apartment. Long story that is only relevant because the person who kicked him out is the subject of the topic.

He is a fifty-year-old I became friends with at the community college and helped him move out of his abusive family's home. He also "fell in love" with me. He's not gay, but it seems an awful lot like the other people who said they were in love with me. He was severely abused as a child, his dad killed himself (the abuser), and he's abused drugs for about thirty years, thinking it as a good thing and giving me many long speeches about that, as he provided the drugs.

Anyway I didn't respond to his obsession the way he wanted (I keep very busy), and he also became enraged. I left the apartment in the middle of the night, after he had been verbally abusive for several hours and destructive towards objects with threats to be violent towards me.

I moved out, and, over the course of the next year, he continually sent me disturbing, threatening emails. I changed emails but the email he had was my college email, which I was required to check regularly. I didn't read the emails past the first couple emails, I just saw that more were continually being sent, and I would accidentally read the creepy subject lines.

I was able to avoid checking my email for several months recently then had to check just a few days and saw there was another. I didn't read it but told a friend in exasperation that I was still receiving the emails. He said he wanted to read it, and after he did, he told me I should read it, assuring me it wasn't violent or threatening.

My dilemma here is whether or not I should respond or do anything or just ignore it or what. It seems cruel to ignore it, but answering seems as if it wouldn't lead to anything good either. Three friends advised me to do nothing, but I wanted to ask here as my last consideration on the subject.

Here's the email:

"Dear Alex,
I'm just writing this to you as a final battle cry for hope and help, and to ultimately leave something behind me; because I know you loved me at some point in your life as I have never stopped loving you.

I am writing this to tell you that I'm drinking myself to death, because I just can't stand the pain of being anymore, and all the hate and rejection of this world: why does this world reject and hate so much when there is so much to love in this world and so much to admire?

It seems that hate has conquered love in my life. Maybe it's my fault? It must be my fault, or else I wouldn't have hurt you all the others that I'm hurting by drinking myself to death.

So I just wanted to apologize and to say that I'm so sorry for not being strong enough to have loved you as much as you deserved. I'm so sorry for not having loved you as much as you deserved to be loved, and for not taking the pain of this world away from you.
I love you with all all of my hear and from my cold dark grave.
With Love,
Hammy"

I left the names because I'm okay with my name being known and that's not his name, it's a nick-name, which makes it okay, right? I'm not exactly sure what the reasons are to not give names, so I'm not sure if it helps that it isn't his legal name.

Sorry for always adding such long, depressing posts! I think this should be the last for a while... but I didn't see this coming so who knows.

Thank you!

Oh my, this sounds like my life. Older women wanting me around and obsessing over me. I'm young enough to be their grandson. They always haveome drama in their pasts. Their dad raped them, they saw somebody get murdered, etc. Some people just cling to youth and their lives are full of sadness so they are desperately searching for validation from a cute younger person. Absolutely ignore the guy. I'm going through the same exact thing right now. There is this old lady that I used to hang out with because she had benzos. She constantly talked about horrible things that happened to her when she was younger. It wasn't pleasant to hear that constantly. She has nobody in this world and, I don't mean to sound cold but It's not my problem. She wants to possess me, much like your situation. I ignored her for months and she calls me on Christmas, which was annoying.

 

[Peter Morrison]

You got some good advice from everyone. This "Hammy" seems to be what some people might call a Vampire. There is no saving him. Total disconnect is the right approach.