Social Withdrawal

[Streetwise]

That one sentence sums it up for me.
I call it the Aspie conundrum.
And it does get worse with age.

Personally I think it wouldn’t get worse with age if we had a perfect existence that we !considered perfect! a lot of people that are called older can’t be bothered .But that’s because of choices in life.

 

[Progster]

One of my friends doesn't think I try hard enough. Recently, this friend and I were at an event and I was meeting people who looked like they were alone or I would go with a friend up to people in a group of 2 to ask about what league sport they were going to be in next season to try to form a team.

I remember that when I was at school, I was told that to make friends, I needed to be more friendly and approach people more, and then people would respond. So one day, I sat next to a boy in class that I didn't normally talk to and said 'hi'. He promptly turned to his friends who were sitting behind him and said, 'what's she doing sitting next to me?' So much for that advice.

I stood back and was watching my grandson at a birthday party one day and it took me back to my childhood and it's like I knew exactly what he was doing and feeling. He stood back from the group of kids watching with the desire to join them but didn't quite know how and it broke my heart. The kids played pin the tail on the donkey and he stood in the background, like he was waiting for someone to say it was his turn but went unnoticed by the other kids. By the time he did the pin the tail, all the other kids had run off to the swings. Then I watched him repeat the same thing at the swings.
We wait for the invitation because we don't know how to get in there and join the group, and often not noticed so we never get to join. It's sad when you see it. It's sad when you're the one waiting for an invitation to the group that never comes. Others just push their way into the group and we just can't do that.

This is how it was for me, too. I rarely joined in groups - found them a bit intimidating/threatening, too. Part of it was fear of rejection, and part not knowing how to join in.

Another thing that happens a lot to me, is that I talk to one person, and one to one it's ok, but then another person comes along to join the conversation, and the person I'm talking to starts to talk to them and I get left out/ignored and feeling redundant. Their conversation is somehow different - it flows between them it a way that it doesn't with me, and I don't know how to make it flow like this.

 

[paloftoon]

I remember that when I was at school, I was told that to make friends, I needed to be more friendly and approach people more, and then people would respond. So one day, I sat next to a boy in class that I didn't normally talk to and said 'hi'. He promptly turned to his friends who were sitting behind him and said, 'what's she doing sitting next to me?' So much for that advice.

This is how it was for me, too. I rarely joined in groups - found them a bit intimidating/threatening, too. Part of it was fear of rejection, and part not knowing how to join in.

Another thing that happens a lot to me, is that I talk to one person, and one to one it's ok, but then another person comes along to join the conversation, and the person I'm talking to starts to talk to them and I get left out/ignored and feeling redundant. Their conversation is somehow different - it flows between them it a way that it doesn't with me, and I don't know how to make it flow like this.

I've learned a few tricks the hard way.

1. Either you can tell someone is attracted to your looks/personality by non-verbal gestures (something we usually suck at as a whole, lol.)

2. You know you and the other person share something in common to give you a slight enough in. Maybe you and the other person are not talking with anyone and are/look alone. Maybe you are both in, say, a chess club, and you know you both like chess.

3. You're desperate or "desperate" and/or you don't care about other people's reactions and aren't too intense about it. (Or, you are intense/too intense and don't care.)

4. Create a "gimic" that "gives you an excuse" to talk to other people.

i.e. I tried to get my friend to draw a picture of my face with a Scrappy Doo body, and then show it off to strangers and tell people my name and that my friend drew this to start conversation and attempt to join a league team.

I have a friend like this (#3), and he is usually happy for the most part, but kind of a miserable (insert expletive here) in his own way. We are so different people have looked at us funny that we are friends. Me and him sometimes get kinda surprised. Well, we did date each other prior, and we do have some unique nuanced commonalities to even make a friendship work well despite our differences.

 

[Ken]

...We wait for the invitation because we don't know how to get in there and join the group, and often not noticed so we never get to join. It's sad when you see it. It's sad when you're the one waiting for an invitation to the group that never comes. Others just push their way into the group and we just can't do that.
...

Yes, I have always been a "loner". I was scared of kids even when I was a kid. For me, instead of waiting for an invitation I was scared to death I would be invited. Being invited was almost terrifying. Don't think this has changed with age. I still suffer extreme anxiety in social gatherings. Fortunately, I met and married a wonderful NT that is my social buffer. It's amazing how much her presence reduces my anxiety.

I wouldn't say I suffer, not now. When I was a child I would leave playmates and spend time by myself in the forests near my families home. In fact, that was the place where I was most happy, and even now it brings me a sense of peace when I'm walking in a forest...

I also love forests and wooded, secluded areas. As a kid (and now), I spent as much time in "wild" areas as I could. My best friends were other animals, both wild and domestic.
Would like to add that my all-time favorite, most enjoyable vacation was at the Sequoia National Park in California.

 

[Judge]

I choose solitude.

Though I can't say that I "suffer" in doing as such.

 

[Gracey]

I choose solitude.

Though I can't say that I "suffer" in doing as such.

I like this

I'd have to say I "suffer" less in solitude.

Experience over time has shown trying to be sociable is hard work, draining, oftentimes with disastrous consequences.

When younger, and after interaction didn't quite go as expected,
I'd pick myself up, dust myself off and go at it again. (and again, and again)

Now older, and realising; after much ado,
I don't need to wear myself out trying to be something I'm not.

If I cut back on the 'social' aspect, I currently manage better.
(not brilliantly, but better)

 

[leehart]

Social situations can be draining and when stressed it is easy to withdraw and avoid these. I find if I am in a good space I am ok at social situations - I am never the life and soul but I can manage at the edge and chat with people one to one.

I don't really have close friends now which to be honest at the moment I am ok with. Close friendships tend to come with a level of intensity in my experience that I dont function well with.

 

[Judge]

It's so often difficult to explain to those outside the realm of autism.

That while for some us loneliness hurts, solitude heals.

 

[Running Girl]

An acquaintance from my NA homegroup died (suicide) recently. I chose to attend the Mass instead of the showing, thinking there would be fewer social interactions in a Mass. Even though most people from the 12-step fellowship went to the showing. I was terribly uncomfortable before the Mass, and especially at that "Peace of the Lord " handshaking thing in the middle of the service. After it was over, the family was at the entrance, and the only way to avoid them would have been to go out a side exit. I didnt want the friend who I was with to judge me, (even though she knows my social anxiety and has some of her own). Bad choice! I stood around silently while my friend said nice things to the family of the dead woman. It was excruciating for me. Next time I will take the side exit. Does that answer the question?

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I don't think "suffer from it" is the right adjective phrase, more than "enjoy it" is.

I really like being alone. I enjoy solitude. Yes I get terribly lonely, but then after a very quick recharge with a special friend or family member, I am able to go back inside and be cozy again.

 

[Aspychata]

Social withdrawal is like a giant Prozac for me. When l need to scope in on my thought process, this really helps.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

So l read someone's intro here and it said social withdrawal is a key aspect of Autism. I have suffered from this as long as l can remember. But the people l hung out with now may have also been on the spectrum.

Do we suffer various degrees of this, and have we all suffered from this clear back to childhood?

Are you aware how much you suffer from this or just chose to not think about it much?

I withdrew socially for most of my teens and twenties, but I think it had little to do with autism. My natural self was very bubbly and inquisitive. I would say my natural baseline temperament was hyperthymic leaning. I had a reputation for always talking, for talking too loud, and talking too fast. The social withdraw was an intentional effort to please my Dad and in my mind at the time, prove that I was a good disciplined person. When interacting with peers I would answer with one word replies as much as possible and brag to him. It meant so much (sort of) when I could earn his praise those few moments by informing him of how I had isolated myself. I really hoped he would see how much it was hurting me and would tell me that it wasn't necessary, but his praise verified it was. I would brag about not wanting friends while simultaneously living in my head daydreaming about friendship and even dating. I especially longed for one special someone who would be both a close friend and my boyfriend, but dutifully chased away those who tried to be friendly towards me. For all that, I still had this game as a teen of seeing if I could get through just one day without angering him. I continuously failed. Eventually he did a complete flip and started using my learned and developed "introversion" against me. He would say he didn't know what was wrong with me, I was crazy, ECT. He liked to remind me how I can't accomplish anything without him. On the dating issue, I knew better than to date growing up and even in my early twenties. Even making eye contact with some stranger bagging our groceries could get me interrogated so I learn to look down at my feet or off to the side whenever I encountered a young man anywhere near my age. Then all of a sudden he doesn't know what is wrong with me, I have to get married eventually, ECT . I forgot to mention how he used to make comments in public to imply that I was his wife rather than daughter if he and I went shopping together without Mama along. That was embarrassing. Eventually he and a friend of his pushed for me to get a psychiatric exam after she was telling me about applying for jobs online and I asked how to tell which job postings were legit. I don't know what was wrong with that question, but it seemed to spook her. That is how I came to get referred to a program that evaluated me, gave me my diagnosis or rather diagnostic impression of ASD and ADHD combined presentation. After reading the evaluation, apparently they were looking for some kind of psychotic disorder that they could not find evidence for. I had been told that ASD and Learning Disabilities was what they were going to be looking for. I never knew why they would have been looking for learning disabilities either, seeing as how I was performing at University level while in 10th grade in high school.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I withdrew socially for most of my teens and twenties, but I think it had little to do with autism. My natural self was very bubbly and inquisitive. I would say my natural baseline temperament was hyperthymic leaning. I had a reputation for always talking, for talking too loud, and talking too fast. The social withdraw was an intentional effort to please my Dad and in my mind at the time, prove that I was a good disciplined person. When interacting with peers I would answer with one word replies as much as possible and brag to him. It meant so much (sort of) when I could earn his praise those few moments by informing him of how I had isolated myself. I really hoped he would see how much it was hurting me and would tell me that it wasn't necessary, but his praise verified it was. I would brag about not wanting friends while simultaneously living in my head daydreaming about friendship and even dating. I especially longed for one special someone who would be both a close friend and my boyfriend, but dutifully chased away those who tried to be friendly towards me. For all that, I still had this game as a teen of seeing if I could get through just one day without angering him. I continuously failed. Eventually he did a complete flip and started using my learned and developed "introversion" against me. He would say he didn't know what was wrong with me, I was crazy, ECT. He liked to remind me how I can't accomplish anything without him. On the dating issue, I knew better than to date growing up and even in my early twenties. Even making eye contact with some stranger bagging our groceries could get me interrogated so I learn to look down at my feet or off to the side whenever I encountered a young man anywhere near my age. Then all of a sudden he doesn't know what is wrong with me, I have to get married eventually, ECT . I forgot to mention how he used to make comments in public to imply that I was his wife rather than daughter if he and I went shopping together without Mama along. That was embarrassing. Eventually he and a friend of his pushed for me to get a psychiatric exam after she was telling me about applying for jobs online and I asked how to tell which job postings were legit. I don't know what was wrong with that question, but it seemed to spook her. That is how I came to get referred to a program that evaluated me, gave me my diagnosis or rather diagnostic impression of ASD and ADHD combined presentation. After reading the evaluation, apparently they were looking for some kind of psychotic disorder that they could not find evidence for. I had been told that ASD and Learning Disabilities was what they were going to be looking for. I never knew why they would have been looking for learning disabilities either, seeing as how I was performing at University level while in 10th grade in high school.

I'm not sure withdrawal is the explanation as much as just not knowing how. I stood back and was watching my grandson at a birthday party one day and it took me back to my childhood and it's like I knew exactly what he was doing and feeling. He stood back from the group of kids watching with the desire to join them but didn't quite know how and it broke my heart. The kids played pin the tail on the donkey and he stood in the background, like he was waiting for someone to say it was his turn but went unnoticed by the other kids. By the time he did the pin the tail, all the other kids had run off to the swings. Then I watched him repeat the same thing at the swings.
We wait for the invitation because we don't know how to get in there and join the group, and often not noticed so we never get to join. It's sad when you see it. It's sad when you're the one waiting for an invitation to the group that never comes. Others just push their way into the group and we just can't do that.
I've often said with my daughter in law, when she says how lucky she is with me as her mother in law, remind her that she pushed her way in whether we wanted it or not and really didn't give us a choice - she was now part of the family. That's what it seemed like. Oh, she was most definitely welcomed into the family, but I say it was all her doing. That always impressed me that she was so easily able to do that - something I could never have done.

Uh, nooo ? When I was little like that, I would have been the kid trying to haul him over to join in the fun even if he really didn't want to and would likely manage to turn the game into pin the tail on yourself and pretend to be a donkey before it was all over as well as teach the other kids a couple of scientific fun facts about donkeys that they didn't really care about while I was at it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I visited a friend couple of days ago< he sent a message to my wife after, Ron reminds me of a tightly wound watch unwinding, he needs to get out more. He's right hard to get out when walking distance difficult.