Social Issues at University

[Frostee]

Since, I was practically ignored on Reddit, I will post this here:

I am a 2nd year student at a University in the UK. I have no friends at all, at University. I have a diagnosis of Aspergers, which obviously has a big part to play in this. (Though please don’t focus on this, entirely as it is mild.).

I want to try and change this or at least improve my social experience into the future.

I will outline what I do, at university socially and what issues I have:

1. I participate in two societies. I have tried to connect with a few people from those groups and it all went pear shaped. The longest acquaintanceship was a few months, but this dragged its legs as this person only met out of pity. (He didn’t interact with me on FB, despite doing so with others, didn’t iniate meet ups, we’d go weeks and he’d not bother with me) The other members also often go off out on nights out etc without inviting me, so i’m not sure what is going on there; at a minimum they are obviously indifferent to me. I have explained that I am isolated and the response is “oh that is awful”, but nothing changes. (I don’t think they are fussed on me)
   
   
2. I go to the gym nearly every night, it lifts my mood.
   
   
3. I make frequent trips home, every three weeks.
   
   
4. Take daytrips to London and Cambridge.
   

I go days without speaking to anyone but my parents on Skype and my mentor.

I go to class, sit down (usually alone), no one speaks to me, says hello. Nada. I then leave, go home and that’s it, really.

Very few students in my classes made any attempts to introduce themselves to me, at any point thoughout the two years that we have shared classes. Not even a “hi”. The cohort in general is very reserved, even when we do lab work; students only say the bare minimum to get the work done - no conversations. (I am in Southern England so maybe that is a factor).

At the start, in 1st year, I did try to speak to people but usually got short answers and/or dirty looks, and they’d sometimes get up and move. (“oh this is hard isn’t it? Do you know how to do quesion 1, I am struggling” or “what do you think of the course ... is interesting?” ) Part of me thinks this is Southern English culture playing here, I am not from SE not really sure how to deal with it.

I do have some people from my courses on FB. I message them about the work, ask them how they find the course etc. They answer me, but they never, ever iniate contact with me, and we do not speak to each other in public. A couple of these people do the same degree as me, they sit in a little clique and don’t ever attempt to recognise me, never mind be inclusive. I hope they don’t have any ill intentions. Their behavior from my point of view is confusing - I do not know why they all hang out with each other and never, ever include me, considering we all do the same degree programme and they did not know each other or myself before starting the program (there are only 10 people). I am thinking they don’t like me and/or talk behind my back.

I know that I am contributing to this myself, by not being outwardly friendly, but I do find it bizarre that I go days without anyone speaking to me despite going to class and/or no single person tried to find out who I was.

I dress well and have impeccable hygiene so that is not an issue.

I am not awkward or rude to people, intentionally. I do try to compromise and make an effort with people if possible. I listen to what others have to say when in conversation.

I seem to be the sort of person that just draws people away and I do not know why. My condition is not obvious, no one speaks to me, so they do not get an opportunity to even consider that I have social issues.

I am starting to become insecure and wreck my head over this. I am asking myself if I am rude or if there is something off putting about me. I am wondering if the year group is talking behind my back now and that I am someone that everyone avoids.

As someone who isn’t drop dead gorgeous and who isn’t popular, what can I do to improve my social situation at University with the complete indifference that the cohort have towards me?

 

[Judge]

Sometimes you just have to keep trying until you find an issue or subject that you can truly share with others, apart from whatever your own personality, traits and behaviors may involve. Where you can fit in based on a strong common bond rather than who you individually are.

Otherwise you seem to have many other issues covered at least from my own perspective.

 

[Mary Anne]

I feel for you. This has been going on for such a long time! It’s sounds very lonely.

Could you take university courses like debate class, and public speaking. Both would give you better tools in which to converse with others. Give you more confidence.

Also, could you ask someone what their thoughts are on why this is happening? How about asking your teachers on what they observe? Or your mentor? Have the discussion- teachers are usually observant if they have spent enough time with you.

I know this next one is pretty shocking- why not ask some of the people in your class for the past 2 years why. Someone you have tried to have conversations with that is not part of any cliques. Someone sitting near you.

I wonder when you mentioned “impeccably dressed.” How does everyone else dress? If they are in jeans and t-shirt while you are in designer Chanel suits - that immediately could distance them. People are pretty shallow.

Do you have any friends / acquaintances in your home town? Ask them too. I always try to get outside opinions because it’s impossible to view myself objectively.

 

[Theta.G]

Since, I was practically ignored on Reddit, I will post this here:

I am a 2nd year student at a University in the UK. I have no friends at all, at University. I have a diagnosis of Aspergers, which obviously has a big part to play in this. (Though please don’t focus on this, entirely as it is mild.).

I want to try and change this or at least improve my social experience into the future.

I will outline what I do, at university socially and what issues I have:

1. I participate in two societies. I have tried to connect with a few people from those groups and it all went pear shaped. The longest acquaintanceship was a few months, but this dragged its legs as this person only met out of pity. (He didn’t interact with me on FB, despite doing so with others, didn’t iniate meet ups, we’d go weeks and he’d not bother with me) The other members also often go off out on nights out etc without inviting me, so i’m not sure what is going on there; at a minimum they are obviously indifferent to me. I have explained that I am isolated and the response is “oh that is awful”, but nothing changes. (I don’t think they are fussed on me)
   
   
2. I go to the gym nearly every night, it lifts my mood.
   
   
3. I make frequent trips home, every three weeks.
   
   
4. Take daytrips to London and Cambridge.

I go days without speaking to anyone but my parents on Skype and my mentor.

I go to class, sit down (usually alone), no one speaks to me, says hello. Nada. I then leave, go home and that’s it, really.

Very few students in my classes made any attempts to introduce themselves to me, at any point thoughout the two years that we have shared classes. Not even a “hi”. The cohort in general is very reserved, even when we do lab work; students only say the bare minimum to get the work done - no conversations. (I am in Southern England so maybe that is a factor).

At the start, in 1st year, I did try to speak to people but usually got short answers and/or dirty looks, and they’d sometimes get up and move. (“oh this is hard isn’t it? Do you know how to do quesion 1, I am struggling” or “what do you think of the course ... is interesting?” ) Part of me thinks this is Southern English culture playing here, I am not from SE not really sure how to deal with it.

I do have some people from my courses on FB. I message them about the work, ask them how they find the course etc. They answer me, but they never, ever iniate contact with me, and we do not speak to each other in public. A couple of these people do the same degree as me, they sit in a little clique and don’t ever attempt to recognise me, never mind be inclusive. I hope they don’t have any ill intentions. Their behavior from my point of view is confusing - I do not know why they all hang out with each other and never, ever include me, considering we all do the same degree programme and they did not know each other or myself before starting the program (there are only 10 people). I am thinking they don’t like me and/or talk behind my back.

I know that I am contributing to this myself, by not being outwardly friendly, but I do find it bizarre that I go days without anyone speaking to me despite going to class and/or no single person tried to find out who I was.

I dress well and have impeccable hygiene so that is not an issue.

I am not awkward or rude to people, intentionally. I do try to compromise and make an effort with people if possible. I listen to what others have to say when in conversation.

I seem to be the sort of person that just draws people away and I do not know why. My condition is not obvious, no one speaks to me, so they do not get an opportunity to even consider that I have social issues.

I am starting to become insecure and wreck my head over this. I am asking myself if I am rude or if there is something off putting about me. I am wondering if the year group is talking behind my back now and that I am someone that everyone avoids.

As someone who isn’t drop dead gorgeous and who isn’t popular, what can I do to improve my social situation at University with the complete indifference that the cohort have towards me?

It sounds like you're already doing and have already done what you can do. hhmmm...
It might be hard but if you keep talking to people eventually you'll find some good fits. Law of averages! You can also pick optimal times to approach others. If i recall correctly people are generally less agitated after they've eaten. So maybe in between lunch and next classes could be an opportunity? Mornings, people are generally zombified for the first hour of waking, and at the end of a long day eager to get home.

If none of this works you could exploit psychology a little. Since it seems your intentions are good i'll message you some things which may be helpful. I couldn't put them to use but since you're actually approaching people maybe you can.

 

[Mary Anne]

“A couple of these people do the same degree as me, they sit in a little clique and don’t ever attempt to recognise me,”

Could you ask them, using the same words you used here?

“confusing - I do not know why they all hang out with each other and never, ever include me, considering we all do the same degree programme and they did not know each other or myself before starting the program.”

 

[onlything]

There were always problems between me and the 'cliques'. Never got on well, too many differences. What I would say is to:
- check if your behaviour is friendly enough and if you don't seem intimidating to others: do you smile with your eyes, not only mouth while greeting them? is your 'absent' face at least neutral? (the way I would look ahead while lost in thought or concentrating used to look like a mix between anger and contempt, I was told - not a good mix for starting new friendships)
- try connecting first with people outside of cliques - NTs tend to get together very quickly and can be hesitant to let newcomers in
- check if the way you communicate is right for them - people like to talk about themselves, so ask about them and avoid talking too much about yourself, your life, your interests
- observe if the way you speak is right - intelligent people and/or reading a lot can seem intimidating or arrogant to others due to their knowledge and the tone of voice they convey it with
- seek those that have things in common with you, similar character or interests, otherwise potential friendships can be highly difficult at best and impossible at worst

There are many ways and reasons due to which you can become an outcast. The way you walk, dress, behave, what interests you, if you're clingy or imposing/not clingy/imposing enough, they way you look, where you come from etc. Right now, do try to go with your plan, although do try not to seem too... desperate for attention. Desperation is a big no-no from my experience.

 

[Dwoops]

I feel like I can relate to this so much. I just finished my second year at a university and I have experienced similar things. While I say that I have ‘friends’ I really don’t, I have people who will talk to me. No one ever reaches out to me, I have to start everything. I have done experiments before where I don’t reach out to anyone for like a week, I stay in my dorm room and no one notices or even cares. It makes me feel so lonely sometimes and has been the cause of multiple depressions. I don’t have much help to give as I’d love an answer too.
What I can say is that it can be very hard for us to interact with a lot of people of this time. It seems like all people want to do is go to crowded, noisy, parties or socials. I probably don’t have to explain how unappealing that is for someone with heightened senses.
Instead I try to survive off of the limited social interactions that come from doing something I enjoy, like playing dnd. I meet and talk to people and while I don’t really make friends it sustains me decently well enough to fool myself until I get fortunate enough to find true friends.
I actually made a similar post about this about a month ago, it seems to me that no one ever asks me to join them in activities (it really irks me when they ask mutual ‘friends’ ask my roommate to join them but not me.)
Another thing to note, sometimes you just have to push your way into groups by asking to join them, it can be very very uncomfortable, but sometimes it’s the only way.
Hope my insight helps, I think we probably could have been friends if we were at the same university, but those odds would be astronomical(plus you mentioned you are in the UK and I’m in the US)

 

[Progster]

This is similar to my experience at high school, and then at university. I didn't really have any friends on the same course as me, except for one girl who was also not in a group or clique and therefore on her own, too. But then she got a boyfriend and didn't talk to me so much. Most of my friends were 'oddballs' from the computing, maths or engineering departments, or foreign students. My advice would be to see if there is anyone who is also on their own, and to try making friends with them. Also, foreign students are easier to make friends with because they are not part of the social culture and don't seem to mind or notice a person being a bit different. I wouldn't bother trying to make friends with someone who is obviously part of a clique, because they aren't usually open to new friendships.

 

[Mary Anne]

(it really irks me when they ask mutual ‘friends’ ask my roommate to join them but not me.)

Just curious if you have asked your roommate why they don’t ask you too. What she say?

 

[Frostee]

Thanks guys. Tbh, I don’t really know why i’m in this position as I said. I don’t do anything that would have me as an odd person.

As you said, I do speak to “odd” people or foreigners because they’re open minded and not judgemental, but they’re still not friends or anyone I hang out with.

It’s kinda odd though, because some with Aspergers seem to be able to form Friendships at University and make a success of it. I’m not sure what’s different between myself and them as they’re not any better than me socially. I know one guy who has a whole group of friends and as far as I can see this is only because he jokes about and makes a fool of himself.

He still misses social ques etc so idk..

Perhaps it’s because I don’t “get” Southern English social etiquette and the whole reservedness thing and don’t know how to break barriers there?

It’s almost like people can tell there’s something different about me, I don’t know what it is.

(I don’t wear a Channel Suite - usually a shirt and jeans or a bomber jacket, jumper and jeans)

 

[Mary Anne]

Thanks guys. Tbh, I don’t really know why i’m in this position as I said. I don’t do anything that would have me as an odd person.

As you said, I do speak to “odd” people or foreigners because they’re open minded and not judgemental, but they’re still not friends or anyone I hang out with.

It’s kinda odd though, because some with Aspergers seem to be able to form Friendships at University and make a success of it. I’m not sure what’s different between myself and them as they’re not any better than me socially. I know one guy who has a whole group of friends and as far as I can see this is only because he jokes about and makes a fool of himself.

He still misses social ques etc so idk..

Perhaps it’s because I don’t “get” Southern English social etiquette and the whole reservedness thing and don’t know how to break barriers there?

It’s almost like people can tell there’s something different about me, I don’t know what it is.

Which is why I asked if you could ask some of the people whom you see on a regular basis- roommate, teachers, long time classmates, etc. can you please try that? Obviously something is going on. It might be very subtle and nuanced. Do you dress differently. You sound differently. People get over accents after a while, if your personality shines through. Do you have some talents you could somehow makre visible to the world? People all have fascinating unique things and interests about them. What are your interests, passions, or hobbies? Are you able to let them be known?

 

[Frostee]

I feel for you. This has been going on for such a long time! It’s sounds very lonely.

Could you take university courses like debate class, and public speaking. Both would give you better tools in which to converse with others. Give you more confidence.

Also, could you ask someone what their thoughts are on why this is happening? How about asking your teachers on what they observe? Or your mentor? Have the discussion- teachers are usually observant if they have spent enough time with you.

I know this next one is pretty shocking- why not ask some of the people in your class for the past 2 years why. Someone you have tried to have conversations with that is not part of any cliques. Someone sitting near you.

I wonder when you mentioned “impeccably dressed.” How does everyone else dress? If they are in jeans and t-shirt while you are in designer Chanel suits - that immediately could distance them. People are pretty shallow.

Do you have any friends / acquaintances in your home town? Ask them too. I always try to get outside opinions because it’s impossible to view myself objectively.

Thank you. I thought of doing this but the people who I talk to on FB aren’t super friendly with me. It would be interesting but i’m afraid I don’t know anyone well enough to ask that.

I fear that they would not give me an honest answer anyway.

 

[Frostee]

Yes i’m Northern Irish in Southern England. I can see people’s eyes when I speak and it is usually a shocked look.I don’t think people take me seriously when I have a group discussion, just listen to my accent or ignore me.

The SE don’t travel far for University so for them this is a big deal. For myself my University is only a moderate distance away, so not a big deal. They act like i’ve come from a thousand miles away.

But yes I considered this. Though I cannot see why people wouldn’t befriend me because of this. Maybe I am used to more regional accents, for me it is not a big deal. I listen to their accent for a minute and then get over it.

 

[Mary Anne]

Thank you. I thought of doing this but the people who I talk to on FB aren’t super friendly with me. It would be interesting but i’m afraid I don’t know anyone well enough to ask that.

I fear that they would not give me an honest answer anyway.

Ok, I am understanding that you are too fearful to TRY? If you tried everything else, go for it. Trust me - people will give you “honest answers“ when they have a problem with you. Get over your fears.

Now I would forget about Facebook (that’s not a place to “know people” or get “honesty”). I want you to ask those you are physically in contact with on a regular basis. Start with your teachers. Tell them you need an honest answer.

It might not be clear to you what the problem is, but to others it might be glaringly obvious. So many people are responding the same way to you, and it IS obvious. So start asking. I highly doubt it’s because of your accent. Not after months. Many people are quite curious about different accents, and want to know more about a person. It’s often the basis as a conversation starter all over the world.

 

[Frostee]

As I said i’m not regularly in contact with anyone besides a few Autistic people who are not likely to inform me in a kind way.

I am sure it is something subtle.

I’ve always thought i’d benefit from a social skills class on more subtle things such as eye contact, walking behind people etc.

 

[Mary Anne]

Sometimes it’s better to get the information you need to make your life better. You are In contact with teachers and classmates who are like yourself- quiet and without friends. So you should endure a little discomfort and ask them. No teacher should be rude to you, and if they are, at least you might learn something.

Austistic people can be blunt, and I suffer from this as well. That does not mean that we mean to be cruel , but we can be very honest. Take the honesty, and use it for your benefit, and then move on. As we grow and mature, we need to develop strengths, including emotional strength.

Step out of your comfort zone now. As we age, we need these tools to live and thrive. Perhaps you have been protected by your family so much that you have difficulties stepping out of safe and secure situations. I understand this, but part of growing up is to reach out and take risks. Life is full of risks! I say this because I was you, and quite unpopular as a teenager. I am now 61 years old. At some point you either take the risk, or you will continue on this lonely path of unknowing what the problem is.

Just try taking a risk. Not everyone you know in the class is popular or in a clique. There are some that are as lonely as you are. They probably are as scared to risk as you are. I was that scared once too. If you appear unapproachable, or unfriendly (you can not judge this - only others can do so) then let others tell you. I would start with teachers for their observances, then the most quietest loners in your classes, and move up from that. You need to start building inner strength. Let this be homework! ;-)

 

[onlything]

As @Mary Anne said, the only way seems to be to ask someone about it. The start with the teachers would be a good idea. You may ask if there are any societal/regional rules you're missing. If you don't know what the problem is, you may not be able to solve it.

 

[Mary Anne]

There is a million things that it could be why people that see you in person could not be responding favorably to you:

-What is your conversation style? Do you speak as little as possible? Do you speak in monotones, and or as few words as possible?
-Always having answers or being too smart in class is off putting to classmates (even though teachers will love you)
-Dressing too conservatively (or the opposite of too revealing)
-Dressing too expensively, (or too sloppily)
-Never smile or have a sense of humor
-Not being friendly
-Not initiating conversations
-Being too loud or aggressive sounding
-Being thought as too “uppity” or too good for rest of people
-Being strange or different
-Do you lack personality? (If you act invisible or as a “wallflower” people will tend to ignore you)
-Do you appear needy and desperate for friendship? This one really shuns people and they flee.
-Stimming can be very off putting to others - do you have some autism sensory habits?
-If you are so different culturally then people might not know how to approach you. (I doubt you are “that” different).
-People that talk to themselves freak others out.
-If you are not taking the initiative and not showing genuine interest in others, it is very noticeable.
-Are you unattractive? This one is a very sad HORRIBLE thing, but unattractive people are treated cruelly by others. Overweight people are also treated cruelly by others.

Be open to finding out what is going on. Ask questions to solve this mystery. Do NOT “be a-know-it-all” because you cannot objectively look at yourself accurately. Your family also cannot look at you accurately. You are going to have to go out and start asking people who observe you daily what’s going on. It’s not going to happen online, but only in person. Be brave, and be bold. Take speech and debate classes. You will regularly get assessed in those classes too, and they will make you much more confident, and bolder. Maybe not spend weekends going home so much. Find out where others hang out. Try to go outside your comfort zone as far as social opportunities, but stay safe, and stay smart. No pubs or where alcohol or drugs are served.

 

[Bella Pines]

Thanks guys. Tbh, I don’t really know why i’m in this position as I said. I don’t do anything that would have me as an odd person.
It’s kinda odd though, because some with Aspergers seem to be able to form Friendships at University and make a success of it.

I am from the Southern England, have aspergers and went to university in the UK (many decades ago). So I'll put forward some theories as to why you are in this position.

Problem 1

• ...which obviously has a big part to play in this
• My condition is not obvious
• I have explained that I am isolated and the response is “oh that is awful”, but nothing changes.

Many of us here came from a generation where aspergers was not a thing. We weren't diagnosed as children and the pieces fell into place later in life, in my case my 30s. Whilst there is an element of feeling cheated, not having understood ourselves and not having help, we survived just fine.

Your generation however, is often diagnosed right out of the womb and told from the outset that you have a condition or a disorder. Whilst this helps you understand yourselves, it also defines you. If you see yourself having a "condition" due to some piece of paper then this will influence your behavior. Someone said "oh that's awful"? Well it isn't. There is a lot of real "awful" in the world and I'm afraid we don't qualify.

You don't have a condition, you aren't isolated. I have come to understand my aspergers as a personality type. It doesn't "play a part" in my life unless I choose it to. So the fact that you think like that means there is something ingrained within you, that is imposing limitations. If you don't recognise or tackle this, then when you get old you will fall back on austism as an excuse. "I can't do this because of my condition". So the first problem is, that you need to understand that you don't have a "condition", it's not "awful", you are simply built a certain way. Personally I wouldn't want to be a sheep, I am happy being a wolf.

Problem 2

• I am wondering if the year group is talking behind my back now and that I am someone that everyone avoids.
• I am thinking they don’t like me and/or talk behind my back.

We have wonderful imaginations, we make up worlds in our heads. We are born story tellers. This can make us very paranoid. Do you really think that anyone cares enough about you to actually think about you when you are not there? Let alone talk about you? People, especially neurotypicals, NTs, (non aspies) are often very consumed with their own lives and think whatever social media tells them to think. They are far too busy to be talking about you, they simply congregate like ants and may occasionally move a leaf, but I very much doubt they are thinking about you.

Problem 3

• Very few students in my classes made any attempts to introduce themselves to me
• I was practically ignored on Reddit
• no one speaks to me, says hello. Nada
• Very few students in my classes made any attempts to introduce themselves to me
• A couple of these people do the same degree as me, they sit in a little clique and don’t ever attempt to recognise me, never mind be inclusive.
• but I do find it bizarre that I go days without anyone speaking to me
• no single person tried to find out who I was.

We take in a lot of information and see patterns, yet another one of our super powers. I read your post and you know the pattern I saw? The word "me". The final problem I see is that you are very much inside your own head.

All of your observations are about you, how people treat you, how people don't make an effort for you, how no one tried to find out about you. I don't even know you and I'm sick of hearing about it! You briefly mentioned in passing how you try to listen to people in conversation, but that is probably just a stepping stone toward getting them to know... yes, you.

And I don't say this to insult you, I say this because I was you.

So rather than be stuck inside your own head and observe how everyone around you behaves, spend LESS time watching and judging them and get on with your life. Spend LESS time on metrics, measuring how many times they contact you on facebook and do something you need or enjoy.

There is so much more in the world, have you found any special interests yet? We like to hyperfocus on these. If I had the time you have, I would study neuroscience, or the elizabethan era.

Friends happen. They are attracted to people who are confidence and self assured, not people who are marking them out of 10 on their behavior. They are attracted to people who are genuinely interested in their pathetic little lives, not people who are timing how long they take to respond on facebook.

Over time, if you can shift your perception from "Boo hoo, I have a condition and am isolated" to "I am happy to be me", then friends will happen to you. You will be able to "hang out" with the group and pretend to "be one of them" and play gang member. They will accept you and you will have a "clique". However, also try to understand that when you get older you'll realize that this isn't all it's cracked up to be and spend your time trying desperately to avoid and drop them as they won't go away! Hey if you're interested in 30s-40s mums and boring grey suited city workers, maybe you could take some of mine off my hands ...

 

[Mary Anne]

I am from the Southern England, have aspergers and went to university in the UK (many decades ago). So I'll put forward some theories as to why you are in this position.

Problem 1

• ...which obviously has a big part to play in this
• My condition is not obvious
• I have explained that I am isolated and the response is “oh that is awful”, but nothing changes.

Many of us here came from a generation where aspergers was not a thing. We weren't diagnosed as children and the pieces fell into place later in life, in my case my 30s. Whilst there is an element of feeling cheated, not having understood ourselves and not having help, we survived just fine.

Your generation however, is often diagnosed right out of the womb and told from the outset that you have a condition or a disorder. Whilst this helps you understand yourselves, it also defines you. If you see yourself having a "condition" due to some piece of paper then this will influence your behavior. Someone said "oh that's awful"? Well it isn't. There is a lot of real "awful" in the world and I'm afraid we don't qualify.

You don't have a condition, you aren't isolated. I have come to understand my aspergers as a personality type. It doesn't "play a part" in my life unless I choose it to. So the fact that you think like that means there is something ingrained within you, that is imposing limitations. If you don't recognise or tackle this, then when you get old you will fall back on austism as an excuse. "I can't do this because of my condition". So the first problem is, that you need to understand that you don't have a "condition", it's not "awful", you are simply built a certain way. Personally I wouldn't want to be a sheep, I am happy being a wolf.

Problem 2

• I am wondering if the year group is talking behind my back now and that I am someone that everyone avoids.
• I am thinking they don’t like me and/or talk behind my back.

We have wonderful imaginations, we make up worlds in our heads. We are born story tellers. This can make us very paranoid. Do you really think that anyone cares enough about you to actually think about you when you are not there? Let alone talk about you? People, especially neurotypicals, NTs, (non aspies) are often very consumed with their own lives and think whatever social media tells them to think. They are far too busy to be talking about you, they simply congregate like ants and may occasionally move a leaf, but I very much doubt they are thinking about you.

Problem 3

• Very few students in my classes made any attempts to introduce themselves to me
• I was practically ignored on Reddit
• no one speaks to me, says hello. Nada
• Very few students in my classes made any attempts to introduce themselves to me
• A couple of these people do the same degree as me, they sit in a little clique and don’t ever attempt to recognise me, never mind be inclusive.
• but I do find it bizarre that I go days without anyone speaking to me
• no single person tried to find out who I was.

We take in a lot of information and see patterns, yet another one of our super powers. I read your post and you know the pattern I saw? The word "me". The final problem I see is that you are very much inside your own head.

All of your observations are about you, how people treat you, how people don't make an effort for you, how no one tried to find out about you. I don't even know you and I'm sick of hearing about it! You briefly mentioned in passing how you try to listen to people in conversation, but that is probably just a stepping stone toward getting them to know... yes, you.

And I don't say this to insult you, I say this because I was you.

So rather than be stuck inside your own head and observe how everyone around you behaves, spend LESS time watching and judging them and get on with your life. Spend LESS time on metrics, measuring how many times they contact you on facebook and do something you need or enjoy.

There is so much more in the world, have you found any special interests yet? We like to hyperfocus on these. If I had the time you have, I would study neuroscience, or the elizabethan era.

Friends happen. They are attracted to people who are confidence and self assured, not people who are marking them out of 10 on their behavior. They are attracted to people who are genuinely interested in their pathetic little lives, not people who are timing how long they take to respond on facebook.

Over time, if you can shift your perception from "Boo hoo, I have a condition and am isolated" to "I am happy to be me", then friends will happen to you. You will be able to "hang out" with the group and pretend to "be one of them" and play gang member. They will accept you and you will have a "clique". However, also try to understand that when you get older you'll realize that this isn't all it's cracked up to be and spend your time trying desperately to avoid and drop them as they won't go away! Hey if you're interested in 30s-40s mums and boring grey suited city workers, maybe you could take some of mine off my hands ...

Bella Pines, I so want to hug you! You said all the things the sum total of my posts could not. It’s exactly true! Great huge cyber ((((hugs))))) to YOU!