Social Downward Spiral

[2205]

I feel that my social interaction with people is a downward spiral through time. I am 25 and I feel that my social life is just getting worse year by year. When I was 10, I had quite many friends, I played with them and often stayed overnight. At 15 I had about 2-3 friends and some acquaintances from school. At 20 I had moved away and childhood friends were left behind, I only had acquaintances but I still got to hang out with them sometimes. Now, at 25 I have managed to learn socializing at university and work/business, but I have absolutely no close relationships with anyone. Once the business-talk is over, they go somewhere doing their own stuff and so do I - that is mainly my obsessive interests (which lead to nowhere without co-operating with others). I get along well with people but I just don't become close with them. For example, right now I need a place to stay for couple of nights in another town but I just don't feel like asking one of my acquaintances who live there.

I really feel anxious about the future. I imagine myself at 40 living alone in a forest and totally forgot how to talk to human beings…

Anyone gone through same feelings/experiences? How would you learn to trust people and start believing that they could actually like you? (I constantly feel like a third wheel and just being some weird follower which is because I'm pretty quiet and therefore I feel I don't entertain others enough that they'd like to hang out with me.)

 

[nowwhat]

I believe this is an AS thing. I'm at much the same place in life, but as complications, I am married w/2 teens. I can't just withdraw. I have friends, some strictly as common-interest pals, and a few that transcend that into true friendship, but I can only spend so much time with them, and only have so much to offer as a friend. You are young, and without becoming anxious, you should try to strike a balance in life. I'm sure you don't want to be at the same place in life at nearly 50, as I am.

As far as learning to trust people, Courage, and being the one to "go first". Put your self out there are a friend, help people, show concern for their needs. You will be burned a lot, but everyone is. Most people suck. My special interest and my work puts me in a position to help people often, at practically no cost to myself. I will do this with someone who shares my interest, and seems to be making friendly overtures to me. Most people can't get past social ritual, and these relationships eventually fizzle. Some try to take advantage of me, and they are cut off. Some, however, see my aspie upfrontness, and lack of manipulative guile and then I have the start of a real friendship. Just expect at the start to have a lot of bad experiences, cause there's not many worthwhile people out there, but if you are truly looking out for others, loving as best you can be, and worthy of others' trust, you will find a few people who see that. But it will take time and a lot of water under the bridge.

So, friendly warning here. Get it sorted, Have your alone time, but seek and nurture trustworthy people to be friends with. They are out there, but rare. Cause it'd suck if you were still feeling this way at my age.

 

[Vanilla]

While Aspies do struggle with making friends, I've found the particular situation you've described affects NTs as well.

The reason why, is because while we are young, we are all confined to attend the same school for X amount of years. Unless we relocate, it means we pretty much know the same people for years.

Once we leave school, everyone has suddenly got their own agenda; work, travel, study, marriage, kids, etc. today's modern world usually means that most people will relocate at least once in their lives, and if they don't, chances are the people they know have relocated.

The reason it's hard to make new friends as adults, is because the older we get, the more engrained we become in our ways. We have higher standards in what we look for in new friends, and since most strangers don't share the same upbringing, it's harder to relate with them. Many NTs do have larger social circles, this is true, so are less likely to find themselves alone, but their social circle shrinks too with age.

I myself have relocated many times in my lifetime, as my parents careers forced us to move often. Because of this, my life experiences are not typical of one social group, it's a mix of several. This means I can get along with many types of people, but also struggle to relate with many of them, as I do not share the same history as they do with their older friends.

 

[Tarragon]

Sounds familiar to me too. I'm 40, with 5 people I have regular contact with (this includes my 2 parents!!)

If I could go back and talk to myself at 25 (ideally younger still!!!) I'd say stop worrying about it and develop your own interests and hobbies. People suck 99% of the time, and I would want to waste my time with others like I did. This isn't saying interesting people will pop up from time to time, but most people aren't worth bothering with, and they will only use up your time and then disappear.

I'm not sure if this sounds depressing or not. It isn't meant to be! AC is where I have found people like myself (basically, Aspergers), and I'd say I have more social life here than anywhere else, which is fine by me

 

[tlc]

I feel the same that as I get older, things are less memorable, life gets tougher, it gets harder to deal with people, I have fewer friends and thinning relationships with the ones I have, I feel more alone, and yet at the same time it doesn't bother me as much. I'll be 40 in a couple years and I already have the desire to live in a shack in the woods in the middle of nowhere. When my daughter is grown up in 5 years I think I might really do that.

 

[nowwhat]

I feel the same that as I get older, things are less memorable, life gets tougher, it gets harder to deal with people, I have fewer friends and thinning relationships with the ones I have, I feel more alone, and yet at the same time it doesn't bother me as much. I'll be 40 in a couple years and I already have the desire to live in a shack in the woods in the middle of nowhere. When my daughter is grown up in 5 years I think I might really do that.

Let me know where your shack is, so I can be sure not to build mine anywhere near yours.

 

[jlopez2011]

I only talk to my mom. i stay in my room.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Similar story to the original poster. I had friends when I was growing up; now I have no social life. None at all. However, I got lucky enough to end up with one true friend.

 

[Judge]

I used to do ok with a very small circle of friends and relatives. They're all gone now.

Not really sure if I've become accustomed to living in near isolation or not...but it has been over seven years now. I guess I'm balancing less stress against a certain degree of being lonely.

 

[arthousesalem]

Similar story to the original poster. I had friends when I was growing up; now I have no social life. None at all. However, I got lucky enough to end up with one true friend.

I see you have Tony Attwood on the bottom of your post. He diagnosed my son and I. I have been to two of his workshops and forums and have read his books. A fantastic person.

 

[paloftoon]

I learned that some people at work who are married refuse to be involved with non-couples even if you are willing to spend time together with the couple and children if applicable. Also, some people at work try to not associate with people outside of work, or are ridiculously picky and too selfish. People these days are much colder than usual. Try meetup.com and outside organizations and build from there. Don't let people walk all over you, but try to have as much fun as possible. I'm trying me best myself, and have been getting out excellently except for exercising, but still a lot of bad social experiences. Definitely not all an "AS" thing.

 

[tlc]

I recently came across some old emails and things buried in the hard drive from 9-10 years ago.

I can clearly see the difference and the social downward spiral. Back then I was considered antisocial (and labeled that at the same job I have now) but compared to now I was a social butterfly back then. I'd go look up people's projects online where I was doing something similar and write to them and learn and share. As much as I'd like to, I don't feel I have it in me to do that anymore. I also found several letters when me and my ex were dating. I didn't reread them, but a quick glance clearly showed me that I could never feel strongly about anyone again. I just don't have it in me anymore to even be close to that for anyone, and the last person I was with (we are just acquaintances now) was a good example and that's why I am done.

But overall, yes it is a social downward spiral and my social lifetime batteries have been used up and by now are nearly dead.

 

[Axeman52]

I'm experiencing the exact same thing, I find I can't maintain friendships unless circumstance dictates that we are required to frequently be in the same place at the same time. Now that I'm no longer in university I feel like the only friends I have left are the ones who go out of their way to keep in contact with me and even them sometimes they kind of call when I'm not in the mood and I'm not exactly pleased to hear from them at that specific time. I think lots of people have given up on me.

I find this worrying because as a musician I need to find a way to get myself integrated into social circles, as it seems like you can't really function properly as a band if each of the members of the band don't have a personal connection to one another on some level.

 

[bentHnau]

My social life has always been mostly non-existent; what has changed is that I'm content with that and do not try so hard to socialize. I consider this to be a positive change.

I imagine myself at 40 living alone in a forest and totally forgot how to talk to human beings…

Coincidence? This is actually sort of what I want, if I were to take the liberty of interpreting forgetting how to talk to people to mean de-programming myself with regards to society's senseless, manipulative, and artificial social rituals.

How would you learn to trust people and start believing that they could actually like you?

Well, my situation may differ from yours, but it would actually be a bad idea for me to cultivate this belief because it is false in the vast majority of cases and liable to lead to a string of negative experiences. I can tick off a zillion different minority boxes; I am quite vulnerable. People tend to not treat me well or appreciate my personality, family included, and it is better that I approach most all strangers with some level of distrust. I make exceptions to this in few circumstances, and I'm content with that. Experience suggests that most people are not worth my time for a variety of insurmountable reasons, no matter how trustworthy they may be.

 

[2205]

I find this worrying because as a musician I need to find a way to get myself integrated into social circles, as it seems like you can't really function properly as a band if each of the members of the band don't have a personal connection to one another on some level.

I am a musician too. And I guess that's why it's such a problem for me. Inside, I want to interact with people and like anyone, especially artist-type people, I want to be liked and loved.
Recently I've had many rehearsals and other musical activities, so I don't feel so bad. But when the time comes when there's no rehearsals or gigs, I'm all alone. I don't just call someone and go out for a walk (which other people find totally normal thing to do).
And I've also realized that at least 50% (maybe even more) of being a successful musician is being very nice, interesting and outgoing person. Not only on the stage (which I can do, it's kind of playing a role), but also in rehearsals, lunch breaks, house parties, etc - the places you should just be yourself and relax. And that's really demanding for people with AS.

 

[paloftoon]

I can understand how you feel. I think the best way to cope is that we keep social contact as acquaintances so that our commitments are not so big. If we happen to run in to someone who is getting closer to you, you can send them an e-mail or private message letting them know that you want to stay as acquaintances because you've had bad social experiences aren't ready to develop a closer friendship. It sounds bad, but it's a lot better than ending up in a friendship and then dumping the person and/or getting hurt. Focus on exercising, developing other skills, as when you have more skills, this can give us more confidence to talk among more particular circles. Reading this is helping me become more aware why some people might act the way the do with me.

 

[Ste11aeres]

There are extroverts with AS as well-I've known some in real life, but I think it must be that those of us who spend our time on computers are almost all introverts, since pretty much every Aspie I "meet" online is a true introvert.

It seems it must be painful for those Aspies who are extroverts, as they love being around other people, but end up acting so weird, or so intrusive and clingy that others (including my introverted self) really don't want to be around them. (because they will talk for hours, and I have to go other places and do other things).
Us introverted Aspies can reach, (and be most peaceful in, albeit with still a certain degree of loneliness) depths of solitude that are unimaginable to most of the human race.

 

[Spinning Compass]

As a single person in their late 50's I can really identify with a lot of things said here. It really is hard to make friends in a couples-oriented world. There is a level of bonding that you can't hope to compete with or achieve and so in many ways you have to settle for "left-over time." Time left over from spouses, children, grandchildren, other family members. No matter how much people will say that they are your friend, other people will always come first, especially family members. I've learned not to expect much, and to not be surprised or upset when a planned event is rescheduled or cancelled because something came up. If it's something I really want to do, I do it alone.

 

[Judge]

As a single person in their late 50's I find the whole issue of companionship in whole or in part more often than not, totally exasperating.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I keep trying to test out as an Aspie on these online tests, but I keep coming up short as being an NT. So I can probably answer the part about NT's having problems with lasting friendships too. NT's may look like they have lots of friends, but most of those friendships are just superficial - kind of like when you try to be neighborly with your neighbors by saying "hi" when you see them then continuing on with life and trying to avoid them as much as possible. It's hard to find people with your same interests and when you do, life today is so busy with work, kids and what not that you don't have enough time to really put into what a new friendship needs to grow. I'm finding that if I wait long enough, though, all of my married friends are now becoming single again which might then lead to more "girl" time - that is unless I then get married.