• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Social cues and jealousy

hithere

Member
My autistic husband has not willingly made me jealous. It has still happened and has been a result from when he is to me masking (playing it cool) at lets say parties (crowded such) and events. It is when other guests do not know we are a couple, been times when they had to know.

I have been afraid when I see he don't react, protest, until it is too late for my taste. Because he has not understood their social cues he hasn't protested either. I have gotten insecure. There has been few times when he has reacted and then so strong that it is obvious not only to the woman but those close by that he is not interested.

Because of the incidents and before my insecurity in if he understood my perspective at all, what I saw (and what he didn't) we would avoid such scenery if we could.

We would talk about it extensively where he could tell I was hurt, insecure and did not understand how he could not understand what had gone wrong.

Today he is like this "trained puppy" where he acts just right; it was not my idea, it was his. I don't know how he did it, but he pays full attention to me now, is close by, make sure he don't get cornered or sit beside someone who will try something or suddenly touch him. He drinks nothing and insist on being the one driving. I think before when he drank he could not tell. He never likes to stay for long. I don't like drinking much either.

He has told me he is afraid to repeat his mistakes of the past. Is he now masking? Or is this his real self? I don't want him to pretend to be perfect in fear of hurting me. I want us both relaxed. He says he has never started anything and he has never done anything.

Has anyone else had any trouble with jealousy and lack of understanding the social cues? I am never jealous except those times when I see something going on and been reacting why he has been the way he has been. I have never confronted the women.

Any advice, please?
 
Last edited:

Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
None of us get the social clues. Lets say that in a scale from 1 to 100 of social clues awarenes we range from -1 to 10.

Its like asking a blind person to help you understand a picture.

I have that problem at work all the time, so I tell everybody Im happily married just in case. And I never eat with women unless there are more people arround. Just in case.

My wife (with whom I am happily married) is not jealous at all.

By the way, he is not making you jealous. You are being jealous by yourself. The poor guy has no responsability on that.
 

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
There is masking when you have to endure a situation, because of sensory issues and there is masking when you want to do the best in your marriage.

My husband has oftened complained of my lack of touching him. He is very sensitive to touch and sadly, I am the opposite. In fact, touch hurts me, due to having an uncomfortable sensation; like burning. However, when he brings the subject up as in I wish you would be more affectionate with me, I am like your husband, in how I react, but for me, it does not last long, because life gets in the way and I forget, because it is not a priority for me.

If something does not feel natural, but you know it is what your partner desires, then, yes, you mask and from your post, it seems that he loves you very much, for wanting to make you feel at peace.
 

Tom

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
There is nothing wrong with trying to avoid making you uncomfortable or jealous. These things don't have set rules and are dependant on your unique personalities.

But if you can't tell if it is genuine or not, and you are there, how are we supposed to know?

I personnally avoid parties (and do not drink). The social aspect of parties is more stressful then enjoyable to me. If I go it is only to allow my wife to go, if for some reason that is necessary. But usually she just goes alone. We don't have trust issues.
 

hithere

Member
Hi everyone, thank you for all ya'll replies! Me having gotten jealous was new to me; I was not like that before, and we didn't have trust issues back then. Because of a past relationship of mine where the guy would willingly humiliate me in front of others by how he treated others compared to me at parties etc, I had promised myself that even if I loved someone I would never put up with that again. I think what has made me insecure is that my husband would change to me so much from who he was with me, us, to who he became at these parties, events so it was that feeling of being disconnected suddenly from him and too this "cool" guy was not someone I fancied.

Just like mentioned above, my husband would never touch me either in any way to signal to me and to others that we were a couple, that he was suppose to be into me. If and when I would try small gestures of touching him he would let me know he didn't like it, like real sharp tone and look in the eye, and that bewildered me, hurt as in our private lives he is all for it; usually take the lead to show all kinds of physical tenderness.

There would be times I would not know where he had gone off too (lots of times, actually) and I would have to ask and to look, like really look, at times not even close by. He would act as if he had not taken me to these things at all and once there as if I was there by myself and he was there by himself. Again, warning bells from my past. I did not know he was autistic when all this went on.

He is someone who walks fast (when I walk beside him it feels as if I am on a power walk) so there were these times when he would just jump out of the car and just walk; and leave me with everything else. So as he would get first to these things I suppose some people would assume he came by himself or that I was just a friend or maybe relative.

There were these formal functions where other people would afterwards try to push me in his direction, as he had only seated himself to where he was suppose to be and not even looking my or our way. Times when I too felt like saying I'm not with him, as he so clearly showed he was not with me.

I would accumulate these happenings and ask him why he was like that and he would get defensive about it which only made me more insecure. He would say that he hadn't enjoyed going there or being there and had only wanted it to be over with so we could go home. I thought then maybe he was stressed out to the point that he didn't know what he was doing even if he thought what ever he was doing was just fine; He did not think he had broken any social codes, in mannerism.

It got to the point when I told him that I was not going. He could go on his own as that is what he did anyways and I could go someplace where I did not have to be humiliated. That I did not know who he turned into each time we were suppose to go out but that that was not my husband and I did not know who the hell that was but he could keep that character to himself so I didn't need to be exposed to him anymore. That I as his partner had taken for granted that if we went somewhere that I would be treated the way I wanted to treat him; that it was not "cool" that he signaled that I was a nobody to him, or not important to him in any way. I did not mean he had to be glued to me, but all these little signs to show we were any type of couple - it wasn't there on his part. And I was not going to chase after him, and ask what he was doing. I was fed up. I was hurt. One time at an event I saw a man ever so gently touching his partner and I felt like crying; because I knew something so special had been robbed from me and how platonic me and my husband came across as both what he was signaling to me, and to others. I would never have done that to him. I would never do that to nobody. It was one of those times when I thought to myself those days are gone, I will never again know the feeling of a man showing me that type of appreciation at any type of functions, parties. One could reason and say so what, I got it at home, but I still felt something important was missing and I couldn't take it anymore. I would later tell him I wanted to know what it felt like to be treated by the man that I loved in a way where I could feel he was proud and loving me and not afraid to show it. That life was too short for me to never have that feeling again. That hit a core. I did not say it out of anger, I said it because I was grieving and I was saying I was done. That this compromise didn't work for me.

I don't think he had realized just how serious this was. He would before go in defense and then later excuse his behavior and saying his parents (where autism also is I very much suspect anyhow) hadn't taught him (and he had a point there. I would say one parent, who I don't think is autistic, would try to show how, but the other parent would be like my husband was). He had thought his ways of being had been the right proper ways, despite that I am thinking he must have seen how other husbands were with their wives. He said he was not comfortable "showing off" as if the smallest type of attention or physical tenderness would be showing off.

There were times I had to witness women knowing we were a couple and still flirt with him; one time I walked right into such a situation, and she gave me such a victory look while he would not even look at me. I simply walked out.

I suppose me refusing to go with him, or invite him to go with me as I could not stand it no more, not one more incident more, was too when he began to understand how serious this was. At the time I was hurting and it was not as an intent to show him this is the price he had to pay; it was about that I could simply not put myself through that again, risking it would happen again. That it was suppose to be about us enjoying ourselves, and I didn't. I would get stress symptoms way before even.

Before I thought I had come to terms that he had so many other great qualities about him that so what if he treated me at most as if I was a friend at these things; I had the real him once we were out of there, and for me to treat him exactly how he had treated me. As I would have the same attitude as he had I could tell he got nervous if we were in a bar or night club as then it was as if he got it; rings or no rings guys were looking at me, flirting with me and he would one time get so upset and refuse to make me go somewhere. He would glue himself to me.

I think unfortunately he had grown up watching his, what I suspect autistic parent, be like at such things and thought that was following protocols and I would think despite the other parent's efforts but then too giving it up, they would come across not as a couple and hardly even as friends. I would tell my husband that I wanted our children to see parents who were not afraid to show we loved each other, not overdoing it, not making a spectacle of ourselves, but simply secured in our relationship and enough to show ourselves that and if others happened to be looking not to be afraid to still show that; as that is what I tried to tell him was how other couples were behaving and that was following protocol; what he had been taught was not and he could stick by that for all he was worth if that is what he liked but he had hurt me and he had made me have second thoughts about us. I would ask him one time if he loved me or was just with me out of convenience and if around others was he proud of me or ashamed of me because it felt as if I was invisible and that he was ashamed of me perhaps even; that I did not know how to read his signals and he made a fool out of me, for other women to make fun of while flirting with him. I would tell him that I was not ashamed to show him I loved him but that it hurt that he apparently was not giving this relationship, me, the quality I thought it deserved, and that I could frankly find that with someone else; I could find someone in my future who knew how to treat me right and to give me that special feeling around others. He changed drastically after that; I didn't have any hopes that he would, but he has. When I did understand he was autistic, and most likely his other parent as well, it felt way better regarding all this mess, than how I had viewed it before.
 
Last edited:

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
TBH it sounds like you're walking on the edge of a cliff.

If you want some advice I'll provide it, but you may not like it. If you want it:

* Re-read the post I made in your other thread,, paying close attention to the comments (towards the end of that post) about why and how NT's interact here.
* Ask explicitly, confirming that you don't mind being criticized. If it happens, it might be direct or indirect, and (of course) it won't be intentionally hurtful - but I don't come here to make other people unhappy, so I feel a warning and your acceptance (or not) is important.

BTW - Of course I don't mind if you're not interested. We're just strangers on the internet after all :)
No response at all is a sufficient negative signal.
 
Last edited:

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Hi everyone, thank you for all ya'll replies! Me having gotten jealous was new to me; I was not like that before, and we didn't have trust issues back then. Because of a past relationship of mine where the guy would willingly humiliate me in front of others by how he treated others compared to me at parties etc, I had promised myself that even if I loved someone I would never put up with that again. I think what has made me insecure is that my husband would change to me so much from who he was with me, us, to who he became at these parties, events so it was that feeling of being disconnected suddenly from him and too this "cool" guy was not someone I fancied.

Just like mentioned above, my husband would never touch me either in any way to signal to me and to others that we were a couple, that he was suppose to be into me. If and when I would try small gestures of touching him he would let me know he didn't like it, like real sharp tone and look in the eye, and that bewildered me, hurt as in our private lives he is all for it; usually take the lead to show all kinds of physical tenderness.

There would be times I would not know where he had gone off too (lots of times, actually) and I would have to ask and to look, like really look, at times not even close by. He would act as if he had not taken me to these things at all and once there as if I was there by myself and he was there by himself. Again, warning bells from my past. I did not know he was autistic when all this went on.

He is someone who walks fast (when I walk beside him it feels as if I am on a power walk) so there were these times when he would just jump out of the car and just walk; and leave me with everything else. So as he would get first to these things I suppose some people would assume he came by himself or that I was just a friend or maybe relative.

There were these formal functions where other people would afterwards try to push me in his direction, as he had only seated himself to where he was suppose to be and not even looking my or our way. Times when I too felt like saying I'm not with him, as he so clearly showed he was not with me.

I would accumulate these happenings and ask him why he was like that and he would get defensive about it which only made me more insecure. He would say that he hadn't enjoyed going there or being there and had only wanted it to be over with so we could go home. I thought then maybe he was stressed out to the point that he didn't know what he was doing even if he thought what ever he was doing was just fine; He did not think he had broken any social codes, in mannerism.

It got to the point when I told him that I was not going. He could go on his own as that is what he did anyways and I could go someplace where I did not have to be humiliated. That I did not know who he turned into each time we were suppose to go out but that that was not my husband and I did not know who the hell that was but he could keep that character to himself so I didn't need to be exposed to him anymore. That I as his partner had taken for granted that if we went somewhere that I would be treated the way I wanted to treat him; that it was not "cool" that he signaled that I was a nobody to him, or not important to him in any way. I did not mean he had to be glued to me, but all these little signs to show we were any type of couple - it wasn't there on his part. And I was not going to chase after him, and ask what he was doing. I was fed up. I was hurt. One time at an event I saw a man ever so gently touching his partner and I felt like crying; because I knew something so special had been robbed from me and how platonic me and my husband came across as both what he was signaling to me, and to others. I would never have done that to him. I would never do that to nobody. It was one of those times when I thought to myself those days are gone, I will never again know the feeling of a man showing me that type of appreciation at any type of functions, parties. One could reason and say so what, I got it at home, but I still felt something important was missing and I couldn't take it anymore. I would later tell him I wanted to know what it felt like to be treated by the man that I loved in a way where I could feel he was proud and loving me and not afraid to show it. That life was too short for me to never have that feeling again. That hit a core. I did not say it out of anger, I said it because I was grieving and I was saying I was done. That this compromise didn't work for me.

I don't think he had realized just how serious this was. He would before go in defense and then later excuse his behavior and saying his parents (where autism also is I very much suspect anyhow) hadn't taught him (and he had a point there. I would say one parent, who I don't think is autistic, would try to show how, but the other parent would be like my husband was). He had thought his ways of being had been the right proper ways, despite that I am thinking he must have seen how other husbands were with their wives. He said he was not comfortable "showing off" as if the smallest type of attention or physical tenderness would be showing off.

There were times I had to witness women knowing we were a couple and still flirt with him; one time I walked right into such a situation, and she gave me such a victory look while he would not even look at me. I simply walked out.

I suppose me refusing to go with him, or invite him to go with me as I could not stand it no more, not one more incident more, was too when he began to understand how serious this was. At the time I was hurting and it was not as an intent to show him this is the price he had to pay; it was about that I could simply not put myself through that again, risking it would happen again. That it was suppose to be about us enjoying ourselves, and I didn't. I would get stress symptoms way before even.

Before I thought I had come to terms that he had so many other great qualities about him that so what if he treated me at most as if I was a friend at these things; I had the real him once we were out of there, and for me to treat him exactly how he had treated me. As I would have the same attitude as he had I could tell he got nervous if we were in a bar or night club as then it was as if he got it; rings or no rings guys were looking at me, flirting with me and he would one time get so upset and refuse to make me go somewhere. He would glue himself to me.

I think unfortunately he had grown up watching his, what I suspect autistic parent, be like at such things and thought that was following protocols and I would think despite the other parent's efforts but then too giving it up, they would come across not as a couple and hardly even as friends. I would tell my husband that I wanted our children to see parents who were not afraid to show we loved each other, not overdoing it, not making a spectacle of ourselves, but simply secured in our relationship and enough to show ourselves that and if others happened to be looking not to be afraid to still show that; as that is what I tried to tell him was how other couples were behaving and that was following protocol; what he had been taught was not and he could stick by that for all he was worth if that is what he liked but he had hurt me and he had made me have second thoughts about us. I would ask him one time if he loved me or was just with me out of convenience and if around others was he proud of me or ashamed of me because it felt as if I was invisible and that he was ashamed of me perhaps even; that I did not know how to read his signals and he made a fool out of me, for other women to make fun of while flirting with him. I would tell him that I was not ashamed to show him I loved him but that it hurt that he apparently was not giving this relationship, me, the quality I thought it deserved, and that I could frankly find that with someone else; I could find someone in my future who knew how to treat me right and to give me that special feeling around others. He changed drastically after that; I didn't have any hopes that he would, but he has. When I did understand he was autistic, and most likely his other parent as well, it felt way better regarding all this mess, than how I had viewed it before.

I think this is a simple case of (you)- this is part of your love language. When you are out with your guy, you want to feel that bond by him putting his arm around you, holding hands, deflecting flirting, giving you a compliment in front of a flirting woman.

In his case, he may feel very uncomfortable with public displays of affection or PDA as it is known.

My question is where do you go where woman are so forward to outwardly flirt with him and then act smug with you? Surely not formal events? Is he just starved to feel attractive? Is this his love language? Do you need spend some time giving him some great compliments? Why don't you try that?

Most of the men in my life are shy about PDA. But l will grab their hand in the car, because l love to hold hands and it's less intrusive then a hug especially if you like someone who doesn't handle full hugs so well. With someone l really liked, l have a window of time when l first meet them, like 5 mins, so l give a giant bear hug, after that l am down-graded to a feather touch or if lucky a hand grasp. But this person does have sensitivity to body space and that is understandable to me.
 
Last edited:

hithere

Member
Hi Hypnalis, thank you for replying and the advice. Yes I can take it, criticism, and from different perspective, absolutely! God I wrote much before, and then I had to take off, so I suppose I did not finish it right. At least now I don't think I did.

I agree with you. It all escalated after years of this, years when he was not diagnosed, and years without the explanation to what was behind his behavior. I have apologized to him as I know now it must have felt like, for him as if he was blind in a store where everyone else can see and where he accidentally hit something. I believe I made it way worse by me finally blurting out how it felt for me but he too asked me to tell him as he could tell this had all escalated and that I was hurting. Going back I would not would have wanted to be him when I said what I did, now knowing too he was autistic and he was doing the best he could under the circumstances.

I would before ask myself over and over if my reactions was about how my ex had treated me and this already being a sensitive subject to me that I should not over react if, when my husband did something; not let him pay for it.

When we had before talked about it, several times in fact, I was still somewhat cool with it, as it hadn't got as bad as it would later get. He would be on the defense and I think he was on the defense just like someone would suddenly tell you "You stole my purse!" when you know you didn't steal no purse, and especially not that person's purse, and you go "I didn't steal your purse!"; that we got off the wrong foot. These days if anything shows up I will first of all recognize: Ok these are my emotions, my problem. I will go away. I will then ask him in a neutral way, ask him how he had thought about it; and he will then reply in a way and I will ask him to please tell me more and he will; so then I got his perspective and then I realize that this is not by any means him acting he way he had from my original perspective, and then I am totally fine with it, OK. But I will too say, if it is needed, that the next time this happen could I please ask you to consider this , and he will go OK. Then we're good.

I thought the only solution I could think of back then was that we simply would not attend those types of functioning together; after one bad experience after the other. I would think it was a combination of him being really shy but pretending he wasn't so he was "cool" instead; his way of handling it. I could tell his parent who I think too has autism, but is at the present not diagnosed, was shy and I was always careful, easy with this parent and we've always had a good relationship. I could also tell especially one child was shy and nervous and so there too I looked at anything with forgiving eyes if anything wrong, in my eyes, happened.

I could also easily draw the conclusion that we simply came from different backgrounds; and I had had a much more, how should I put this? I had been raised in a way that I knew how to act, I knew how to be polite and so forth, almost too much so. That I could not expect him, or almost anyone, to behave like that.

It was when I could tell women flirted with him and I did not know where he had gone off too and it got to be wrong right from the start (us not showing up even together, him having this rule about clearly not wanting me to touch him or him touching me) that it was as if he invited this thing (jealousy) in, between us. He would not even wanting to hear about it; that I would tell him that woman flirted with you and was disrespectful towards me, as he would tell me Her? No, she wasn't in to me, are you kiddin, ... and I think he was afraid then or even ashamed that this had come off the wrong way, what i was going to think next, but at the same time when he did it like that I felt even more unsafe as he did not see it from my perspective that this could happen again and worse, and he did not consider my reaction; it was as if when he thought something that was how it was. Not the consideration that we are two in this. I could also tell when women would see him not as a romantic conquest and those times of course I was fine with it.

I feel bad today if I put even more pressure on him than he already had on himself, and God knows that had not gone good in the past, and he was not himself´back then, he was this character. This too I would tell him we could not go to these same events where something always went wrong, but better if he went alone and me thinking then he could relax more, and so could I, as by then I still did not think he understood where I was coming from (and i did not know he was autistic).

He would tell me one day that if I was not going he was not going. Another he would ask if I could please give him another shot at this and he promised this time he would not act like he had in the past. That was when I did and was surprised at how well he handled himself and from then on he has been like that. He has told me that he was before even more nervous but at the same time it felt as if we were at the bottom and that he couldn't do anything more wrong than he already had and I did not exactly have high expectations of him having understood where I was coming from.

He would say himself that had he been taught the proper ways of being and what signals too to look out for he would chose right from the start to treat me right, but that he hadn't had that in his upbringing, for one thing, and the other is he was/is autistic, so he has said do not expect perfection, have a little room in your heart that I will do some mistake but please then know it's not in his intention and look at the bigger picture. I know now he is autistic and I am thinking if something was to happen again I will make my presence known. He has told me to say a particular word as a sign and then he will know I think something is up and move closer to me. I have not yet had to say that. I feel much more safe today than before. I think if I was to criticize him over and over and he would not think he had done anything wrong, or anyone else, and me just being overly sensitive and overly jealous, he would think I was the crazy one, and he would never feel good enough being him, and then we wouldn't last. He has told me "You had to think the worst of me?".

He has told me in the past he hated those things so much he wouldn't go, and that I should trust him that he much rather be home with me, or any place with me, than on that event, and talking to another woman that he wouldn't even be able to remember what name she had. He's told me that I was always "home" wherever I went and he had wished he had been like me, and just tried to cope and get it over with.

Thank you for wanting to help!
 
Last edited:

Stuttermabolur

A psychologist said so
V.I.P Member
...My husband would never touch me either in any way to signal to me and to others that we were a couple, that he was suppose to be into me. If and when I would try small gestures of touching him he would let me know he didn't like it, like real sharp tone and look in the eye, and that bewildered me, hurt as in our private lives he is all for it; usually take the lead to show all kinds of physical tenderness...

As others have written on your other thread, I think it is great that you are going on an autist forum to ask people on the spectrum their views on this to get a different perspective. I think doing so is much more likely to lead to success than some other approaches which aren't based on understanding your partner and how he thinks.

Now, here is my perspective as someone who has been in a relationship. People who are autistic tend to think in a very logical way. Their logic might not make sense externally, but internally it very much does. A lot of the issues I have encountered in connecting to others and communicating are due to me assuming that others want to be treated in the same way I want to be treated, even when that is very much not the same as I have a different neurotype than most of society (notwithstanding that everyone has a unique brain).

For instance, I don't get jealous. No seriously, I'm not trying to brag (there's plenty of other thoughts I am guilty of) but I really can't ever remember being so. I tend to be happy for others if they do well, and had zero worries romantically that someone would "take" my girlfriend "away from me". If things didn't work out, it was ultimately her choice. She acted in a play once where she was supposed to kiss another actor, and though she was very nervous about it and whether I would be against it, I genuinely didn't care or feel insecure. I am also very trusting and naive, which I suspect is in large part due to me being lucky and not having had some of the negative experiences most people went through.

Now, about your problem. Some of the most common traits of autism are a lack of communication instincts and social aloofness. We don't have the same "handbook" some other people carry within them, and so we approach social events in the same way we do most other facets of life; Logically, and using our experience. In your husbands case, you mention that his parents do not show much romanticism towards each other when with others, so it makes perfect sense to me why he would not show his feelings towards you when with others. It is not particularly "logical" to do so, and it is more of a cultural thing. Where I come from for instance, couples often don't stay together during parties and having friends of the opposite sex is common. Sentimentality is also seen as a bit weird (we have a joke here which goes: John loved his wive so much, he almost said I love you).

I actually had the opposite problem to your husband. I behaved pretty much exactly with my partner when visiting someone as I would when we were together which I think came across as weird and uncomfortable to others, just because I didn't know any better. I also said "I love you" and stuff like that constantly as I was worried about seeming cold or distant if I didn't. A lot of the stuff my ex talked with me about also aggravated me as I felt like she was asking me to behave in a different way to please society, even if it was stuff which really didn't matter (like how I hold my cutlery). I didn't see any reason to change my behaviour just because some strangers might think I'm weird, and stubbornly pushed back, which was a factor in why our relationship dissolved. It wasn't till right at the end when I discovered how big an effect my behaviour was having on her, and by then it was too late (that's when I started looking more into autism).

I suspect, that the reason your husband started behaving differently is simply because he didn't really understand how big an effect his behaviour had on you till recently. Yes, he knew you wanted him to act differently, but he didn't understand why. For someone on the spectrum, there is a big difference between changing your behaviour so as to follow societal standards (illogical - you'll never see those people again so their opinions shouldn't matter) or changing your behaviour to make your partner feel better, even if the feelings of jealousy are illogical in themselves (very logical - you care about your partner and don't want her/him to be sad. In addition, you interact every day). I think you might be right that your husband didn't mask when he changed his behaviour in gatherings, he just didn't have a good (read, logical) enough motivation until now.

I agree with others though, that there isn't anything inherently more "wrong" in how he approaches things than how you do it, and I really think it might be helpful for you to work on your jealousy as well. Just looking at this from the outside, I really don't see any reason to be worried about this. Do you think he would cheat on you in the middle of a party? Exchange numbers? Divorce you? I know emotions are by themselves illogical, so I'm not criticizing you, just showing you how this might look from your husband's perspective. Speaking for myself, I have always been absolutely horrible at picking up social signs and prefer people being forthright with me. My ex often tried flirting with me in the evenings (sometimes a few times the same night) to get me to bed, but I could never pick up on it. It simply wasn't on my mind or in my vocabulary which got very frustrating for her, so I'm pretty sure your husband was telling the truth about not recognizing the flirting.
 
Last edited:

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Another idea, ask him to pick out a date nite once a week so you get your love language needs met. Like a nite sitting on the couch and hold hands, or share popcorn and a good movie and wear his favorite outfit or nothing. Date nite can mean anything here, you decide what you are lacking that makes you feel threatened when you attend social functions as a couple.

Doing things like this keep that vital connection alive. I am sometimes with someone who is very nonsexual, which l am fine with, however we hang out, share a movie, relax, joke, and voila, date nite.
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Has anyone else had any trouble with jealousy and lack of understanding the social cues?

Yes, though perhaps in a different context than the OP has posted. In my own case whether it's associated with autism or not, I simply do not experience jealousy or envy. I can see it in other people, but I just don't experience it. Which in theory may sound preferable, but in my own case it has occasionally gotten me into trouble with NT girlfriends.

It has always been a strange dichotomy of behavior to witness. Where at first one may delight at my inability to be jealous, but then if they give me real reason to experience what I can't, they begin to resent it. Though in this instance it really isn't about social cues per se. Perhaps in their minds they perceived me as being unable to discern things like their flirting from outright cheating. Which wasn't true.
 
Last edited:

Tom

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
The place you have gotten to, with a lot of communication sounds a lot like where me and my wife ended up, also after difficult phases. For us it's genuine. Making changes for the benefit of the relationship is worthwhile and as long as both are willing to give as well as take in the process, there is nothing wrong with it. You guys sound like you are both trying. I hope it works out and wish you well.
 

Orange Glasses

Well-Known Member
@hithere -

After reading your post and others, I have a few comments.

None of us get the social clues.

I get social cues. In fact, my discernment in reading others is sometimes a handicap as I discern way too much about the individuals intentions. Not quite a mind reader, but close.

The poor guy has no responsability on that.

I’m not too sure about that. Just because he has Autism doesn’t exonerate him from being consistent in his behavior towards his wife. Being affectionate at home, but suddenly aloof at office parties or disappearing on numerous occasions is a red flag for me.

Personally, I would hold him accountable and not let him use his Autism as a constant get-out-of-jail free card. Over decades of company parties etc, I have seen more than a few male and female partners act quite differently when their spouse/partner attend and they are having an affair with a fellow company employee that is present.
 

Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
If wife was untrusting me, controlling me and making me accountable she would get a very nice divorce.

Im glad that you can get social clues at pro level. Its very strange being able do that being autistic.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Think there has to be trust no matter if you are NT, or ND.

I am probably too honest with who is on my life. Sometimes it's returned, sometimes it's not. But l live life -eyes wide open most of the time.
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
He has told me he is afraid to repeat his mistakes of the past. Is he now masking? Or is this his real self? I don't want him to pretend to be perfect in fear of hurting me. I want us both relaxed. He says he has never started anything and he has never done anything.

Has anyone else had any trouble with jealousy and lack of understanding the social cues? I am never jealous except those times when I see something going on and been reacting why he has been the way he has been. I have never confronted the women.

Any advice, please?

I will speak from my perspective,..."an old married guy". Sometimes people simply mature. Sometimes the thought of hurting your spouse is prohibitive enough. My wife has a lower self-esteem than I do,...not that I think highly of myself or anything,...but things like other women giving me attention bother her much more than other guys giving her attention bothers me. I have zero problem with other men giving my wife attention as long as they are respectful,...the moment they are not,...I will intervene. My wife will read her "romance" novels,...she can look at other men,...and I think this is only a sign "she hasn't given up being a woman",...and I'd have it no other way. I'm not a controlling person. However, my wife is concerned about "other women",...which I have zero time for,...really,...but I respect her feelings. So, from my perspective,...and I don't know your husband,...but if it were me, I wouldn't be masking in the situation you've presented.
 

hithere

Member
Another idea, ask him to pick out a date nite once a week so you get your love language needs met. Like a nite sitting on the couch and hold hands, or share popcorn and a good movie and wear his favorite outfit or nothing. Date nite can mean anything here, you decide what you are lacking that makes you feel threatened when you attend social functions as a couple.

Doing things like this keep that vital connection alive. I am sometimes with someone who is very nonsexual, which l am fine with, however we hang out, share a movie, relax, joke, and voila, date nite.
That sound like a wonderful idea, he has before told me we have got to do something just the two of us, but often other things come in between but just me knowing he wants to spend time with me alone is good, we'll see when we will do it.
 
Last edited:

hithere

Member
I will speak from my perspective,..."an old married guy". Sometimes people simply mature. Sometimes the thought of hurting your spouse is prohibitive enough. My wife has a lower self-esteem than I do,...not that I think highly of myself or anything,...but things like other women giving me attention bother her much more than other guys giving her attention bothers me. I have zero problem with other men giving my wife attention as long as they are respectful,...the moment they are not,...I will intervene. My wife will read her "romance" novels,...she can look at other men,...and I think this is only a sign "she hasn't given up being a woman",...and I'd have it no other way. I'm not a controlling person. However, my wife is concerned about "other women",...which I have zero time for,...really,...but I respect her feelings. So, from my perspective,...and I don't know your husband,...but if it were me, I wouldn't be masking in the situation you've presented.
Yes thank you and too for describing your own situation; makes me understand it more. My husband has said to me too that I couldn't have that bad of a self esteem could I. I did not have it before but with accumulating events taking place over the years I finally thought I am either too trustworthing or something is really wrong here and I got sick of it. That would be great if he is not masking; I do feel so much more connected to him these days on these things than before and hoping I can trust he is genuine and really wants to act this way around me, not because he thinks that is what I would like him to do.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom