So frustrated!

[Casey Clay]

Hi everyone
New to this site.
I need some advice.
Been in a 4 year relationship with my undiagnosed autistic boyfriend.
I am so frustrated and at the end of my tether.
I adore my boyfriend very much.
Our relationship consists of me doing everything, him not understanding most of our conversations and him appearing to only think about himself.
That along side the fact he just does not know how to discipline his children, is stressed and highly anxious all the time too.
He split from the mother of his children as she couldnt cope with his behaviours any longer.
We are supposed to be moving in together in 2 months and I just dont think i can do it any longer.
I just need someone to talk to who understands this

 

[Bolletje]

If you feel like you can’t do it anymore, you should probably postpone moving in together until you’ve either resolved your issues or decided to break up altogether.

 

[Casey Clay]

This is the thing
We dont want to not move in together.
And the issues we have are solely down to his autism and him not understanding so this will never change.
Just need strategies on how to deal with all of this.
His 12 year old in the four years I've known her has been very confused iver his behaviours and mis understanding of communication and his lack of being able to cope with more than one thing at a time.
everyone experiences the autistic traits and he will days later or weeks later or months later when you discuss things at a later date but at that time he blames the other person not himself.....it's so frustrating

 

[Tom]

Why are you moving in with someone that you say you just can't cope with anymore? That really doesn't make any sense.

We don't know if he has autism or not, but either way, if he has issues you will only make matters worse for yourself by making bad decisions.

 

[Casey Clay]

Very true.
Thank you for that.
I just see glimmers of him accepting his behaviours are related to him possibly being autistic and that acceptance whenever he sees this makes me want to help him through living with it.
I've never met anyone so anxious and stressed over things that I consider to be minor life problems.
I spend my life reassuring , supporting and helping this guy and it's exhausting that is what i mean by not being able to cope

 

[Jane Smith]

Yeah, if you don't want to move in together than don't move in together.

It's cool that you're willing to help them, but it's not really your responsibility to take care of his anxiety. If you're unhappy, then maybe the relationship just isn't for you? That's what it sounds like to me.

 

[MrSpock]

You've not told us much, so any specific advice regarding your relationship will inevitably contain guesses and hypothetical situations, bear this in mind and don't think that we are jumping to conclusions as such. He seems to have legitimate problems, if there is a problem identifying problems I won't guess at further problems he may have, guessing in other areas is likely to be more productive I think, this does not mean that I blame you for everything.

And the issues we have are solely down to his autism and him not understanding so this will never change. ...mis understanding of communication

I might guess that you're partly right, if you continue to think of the communication problem as belonging to him exclusively, it will never change. I doubt that he has communication problems with himself, or that you have communication problems with yourself. Communication is between two (or more) people, communication problems belong to both people.

A person who speaks only German might have communication problems in a place where everyone else speaks only Spanish, the Spanish speaking people may regard the communication problem as belonging to the German speaking person exclusively. A Spanish speaking person would be in a similar situation if he were in a place where everyone else spoke only German. The problem is lack of a common language, and this is THE problem in both situations. In each case, the odd one out could speak to one other person if that person learned the language of the odd one out.

In a land of autistic people you would be the odd one out. The fact is that you must learn a common language, and we are simply not wired to use your language. You are wired to understand ours, we use words to mean what they say they mean in the dictionary, it's really that simple. Confusion often arises from NTs (neurotypicals, not autistic) adding their own meanings to the words, based on things like body language and hinting (hinting = not saying what you mean), or expecting the autistic person to correctly interpret their meaning when they don't simply say what they mean, using words as they're defined in the dictionary.

Although we are often very capable of learning to compensate for these things, where we have different wiring in our brains we are 'blind' to these things and always will be. To create a communication system that gets around this will take work on both your parts, and a great deal of open-mindedness particularly on your part. It will be necessary on his part too, but whereas he's spent his life trying to communicate with NTs you've not likely spent yours surrounded by autistics.

We tend to have different value systems, for example in my case I seem to think differently about what makes me me, so a person may be trying to 'share themselves' with me and I won't necessarily recognize this as to me they're sharing something relatively unimportant, you may not recognize when I'm trying to share what makes me me, either. It will be work to map out what the other person's emotional and relationship landscape looks like, you'll have to use a common language to achieve this.

If you manage this you have the potential to make a very strong team with diverse abilities at your disposal.

 

[Casey Clay]

Thank you
I have said exactly what i need help with and that is strategies , new ways to communicate and make things work......that does indeed include seeing the world through the eyes of an autistic person something I have can only research so therefore I am grateful for your post.

Can you give me any strategies to use when you are having a conversation with a person/partner with autism and they just don't get what you have said ....he would come back with a misinterpretation of what you said but strongly believes that he understands it.....I in this situation may tackle it by saying so what i was saying is blah blah blah.....he will angrily say I know what you are saying to me I'm not stupid.....when actually he hasn't understood it at all.....but a few days/weeks later the conversation will come up again and he will acknowledge that he didn't understand it initially and now he does.

How do I tackle the original conversation differently?

 

[Tom]

We are just Aspies, not Mental Health professionals. There is a wealth of information like you request online to look at if you just search. But that is secondary to his getting his act together, determining if he is on the spectrum and learning coping methods probably with assist from professionals.

We get people like you come on almost daily. Its a sad endless series of train wrecks.

You are already a crispy critter in this relationship and you think you can fix this. Think again.

 

[Gr82bk8]

Can you give me any strategies to use when you are having a conversation with a person/partner with autism and they just don't get what you have said ....he would come back with a misinterpretation of what you said but strongly believes that he understands it.....I in this situation may tackle it by saying so what i was saying is blah blah blah.....he will angrily say I know what you are saying to me I'm not stupid.....when actually he hasn't understood it at all.....but a few days/weeks later the conversation will come up again and he will acknowledge that he didn't understand it initially and now he does.

What kind of stuff are we talking about here? Fact based things like we are going to dinner with so and so next week, or conceptual interpersonal relationship/ emotional stuff?

 

[Pats]

Are you sure he isn't just a narcissist? Sounds pretty selfish if he still wants you to move in when you're so unhappy.

 

[aspiechic]

Thank you
I have said exactly what i need help with and that is strategies , new ways to communicate and make things work......that does indeed include seeing the world through the eyes of an autistic person something I have can only research so therefore I am grateful for your post.

Can you give me any strategies to use when you are having a conversation with a person/partner with autism and they just don't get what you have said ....he would come back with a misinterpretation of what you said but strongly believes that he understands it.....I in this situation may tackle it by saying so what i was saying is blah blah blah.....he will angrily say I know what you are saying to me I'm not stupid.....when actually he hasn't understood it at all.....but a few days/weeks later the conversation will come up again and he will acknowledge that he didn't understand it initially and now he does.

How do I tackle the original conversation differently?

I had a relationship with an NT where we had to figure how to communicate.
I discovered that anything over email was impossible to interpret correctly becuase he didn’t like taking the time to write grammatically correct - so I rarely understood his intent.
We could almost only speak in person to eliminate miscommunications.
But a big factor was me understanding that people often misinterpret what I’m saying and that I often don’t get an NTs context until later. So I had to acknowledge that I might not be understanding correctly. I’ve experienced what you say he does in thinking he’s gets it but later realizes he didnt. It is frustrating- I don’t know that there is a good strategy accept to be able to use different words to ask if he understands- like an example maybe? But even I get frustrated when the NT always asks me if I get it becuase sometimes it makes feel stupid that he feels like he has to keep asking - I don’t like being made to feel stupid - maybe this his problem - instead of him looking at it from the we speak 2 diff languages perspective and i want to make sure you are getting what I’m saying becuase of the language barrier - he’s purely looking at the he feels insulted part.

Maybe sit down with him and discuss the 2 diff languages perspective and that you’d like to work on developing your common language. That you aren’t trying to make him feel insulted /dumb - just get the correct message across becuase the fact is - he does misinterpret you just like you misinterpret him.
Let him know it’s imp to do this becuase you are very frustrated with the miscommunication.

 

[aspiechic]

Another key thing is - we both had to be willing to be patient and very forgiving of each other.
If either or both of you aren’t willing to be patient and forgiving ALL THE TIME it won’t work. Becuase the problem will never go away - you just have to find the coping mechanisms.

 

[AO1501]

Can you give me any strategies to use when you are having a conversation with a person/partner with autism and they just don't get what you have said ....he would come back with a misinterpretation of what you said but strongly believes that he understands it.....I in this situation may tackle it by saying so what i was saying is blah blah blah.....he will angrily say I know what you are saying to me I'm not stupid.....when actually he hasn't understood it at all.....but a few days/weeks later the conversation will come up again and he will acknowledge that he didn't understand it initially and now he does.

How do I tackle the original conversation differently?

I think it would help if you could give at least one specific example of a conversation that went wrong in the way you describe. It may be just me, but this is just too abstract to really comprehend.

That said, if you were an Aspie and he an NT, it would make perfect sense, because you'd be using words to express your meaning, and he'd be interpreting it into what he thinks you meant. But in the absence of a specific example, you being the NT tends to make me think that more than likely you are expressing yourself by implication, meaning that you don't necessarily say what you actually man, but that you expect him to be able to infer your meaning by reading the unspoken content you are trying to communicate. He, on the other hand, would listen to the words, and assume those were an expression of precisely what you actually meant. No 'between the lines' to read or understand.

That is my experience of NT/Aspie communication.

When that happens long enough, it's possible that an Aspie might then try to guess what the NT actually means, based on a history of known failures to comprehend, and thus begin trying to interpret, but likely not managing to get it right much, if at all.

So, strategically speaking, if you communicate literally, use exactly the right words to say what you mean, leave nothing out, add nothing else in, you stand the best chance of him understanding you correctly. Then if he gets that wrong, or appears to, ask him to repeat back what you said. If it is the same you really did say then he's interpreting, so ask him what he thinks you meant. From there you can respond by explaining that no, that isn't what you said, what you said was .... blah, blah, blah.

Don't let time pass on misunderstandings because there's no useful feedback to reinforce what was being said. The faster you can resolve differences of meaning or interpretation, the more likely you can successfully resolve them and the overall communication problem.

 

[billybeers]

Another key thing is - we both had to be willing to be patient and very forgiving of each other.
If either or both of you aren’t willing to be patient and forgiving ALL THE TIME it won’t work. Becuase the problem will never go away - you just have to find the coping mechanisms.
The most important thing is you understand what you just wrote. I know for certain that he does even when your are frustrated he would take a moment to be very thorough. As of now he left it as it was. One misunderstanding after another would ruin the future that he had not given up on. You are thought of everyday if he could ever get out of situational position. It would relieve all communication obstacles. Your communication will be opened all guessing gone

 

[billybeers]

Advice for everyone in any relationship is this nothing is perfect. Never will be, very few people will bend for the other person. As the NT in the relationship I get it and am strangely attracted to it. Even commented on the cute ditsiness from an intelligent woman. With that said I accept it now what do you do ? You are gonna have the same situation if you didn't learn from it in this one. So what is it too learnt from this one?

 

[Mattymatt]

Hi everyone
New to this site.
I need some advice.
Been in a 4 year relationship with my undiagnosed autistic boyfriend.
I am so frustrated and at the end of my tether.
I adore my boyfriend very much.
Our relationship consists of me doing everything, him not understanding most of our conversations and him appearing to only think about himself.
That along side the fact he just does not know how to discipline his children, is stressed and highly anxious all the time too.
He split from the mother of his children as she couldnt cope with his behaviours any longer.
We are supposed to be moving in together in 2 months and I just dont think i can do it any longer.
I just need someone to talk to who understands this

As someone on the spectrum who can put themselves in someone else's shoes, I have an idea of where you're coming from. It sounds like your boyfriend has some learning to do and could use some therapy. I can certainly appreciate that you're at wits end, and at some point, you need to do what is right for you. If leaving him is the right thing to do, then do so and don't feel guilt or regret. I've been on the receiving end, and to this day, I do not fault my ex-girlfriends for leaving me. Had I been in their shoes, I would've done the same thing. Speaking strictly for myself, it's going to take a special kind of woman to put up with me. I am not perfect but the one thing I will be is 110% loyal.

 

[aspiechic]

Advice for everyone in any relationship is this nothing is perfect. Never will be, very few people will bend for the other person. As the NT in the relationship I get it and am strangely attracted to it. Even commented on the cute ditsiness from an intelligent woman. With that said I accept it now what do you do ? You are gonna have the same situation if you didn't learn from it in this one. So what is it too learnt from this one?

I think the above (posted by my NT about a communication issue we’ve been having) is a good example of how things can be misinterpreted (at least I hope I’m misinterpreting his intent for his sake). He said “You are gonna have the same situation if YOU didn’t learn from this one. So what is it YOU have learned from this?” What sticks out to me from his post is - what have I learned from our communication issue. ME! Not WE. Making it sound like it is ALL MY problem!! I hope that’s not what he meant - but I’m gonna have to ask him to explain more fully what he intended to get across.

 

[billybeers]

As you can tell I started in third person conversation. That is he she from outside looking in. The same as had a relationship with an NT. HAD....Now I see that you are giving advice to someone with problems but I am reading like you are talking to me. So I am giving advice also third person. So you had so some great advice they offered them on the how and what to do and yes right on the money. My advice was in general what did you learn from willy since these communication problems will always be there. Did you gain from your experiences keep in mind that I wrote before our face to face you after. Which we are gonna have to work on. What it boils down to is I dig your ass and

 

[billybeers]

LOOK I want you just the way you are. You are the woman I dream of. I didn't know anything of an aspie until you told me. I have somehow giving you the impression that it is negative.. I have never wanted you to feel inferior when I said that. It was something that I would say to you when we could not come to an agreement on an issue and if I could claim an aspie thing as a way out so I could take it. I don't want to manipulate you into moving dressers. What do I have to gain I have laughed at the dressers all night I'm gonna look and see im pretty sure I blocked you and ignored also but I will spend time and look. I wish we could trade bodies for a week. I am all in for you. I don't care who's fault it is I'm the boss if I can not figure out how to fix this I'm not a good boss. If you would just accept that you love me. Help me we would be happy. Nothing is your fault therefore if you could fix us please do I don't blame you or imply that it is your fault it doesn't matter that you feel certain ways just that you acknowledge them and tell me about them. For three weeks I have sit and wondered where I went wrong. When you were talking about manipulating i just have to guess what I would manipulative about?????? My guess was the shed you know what happened there. So that is the only time i tried to (manipulate) you to do anything for me. With that said when you went through all of my cabinets I was under the impression you were looking to find things to turn in. When you were feeling like you were getting scammed on. I was feeling persecuted. When this is all said and done it will be something to laughgh about. If I can just make it out if here. The letter I got made it all worth it. I wanted to share that with you. I was proud of him I am proud of you. But if it all comes unraveled in the end. I just want to know which actress you prefer in the movie. SERIOUSLY and it will not be Angelina Jolie. Lol have you seen the movie The Town that is our situation as of now. Now I came back in running my mouth about when I get back to work there is going to be some get right in the barn. I got my list of who. But I'm not going to mean becuase you said it was unattractive. Plus that 2 weeks in hospital really took it toll on me. I'll need the whole year to make some muscles to spank your ass next year toughie in the mean time let's not argue even if it means we can notnalk to each other. Hopefully thngS will be a little clearer. Maybe regardless I'm never giving up dig you