SIBLING ISSUES - DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR SIBLING??

[Fox]

I didn't get along with my younger sister when I was a kid and I think the main reason was because she was ALWAYS around. She always doing what I wanted to be doing, she had to go everywhere I went, and she always had to hang out with me and my friends. And then there would be an added element of frustration because she would get along better with my friends than I did (but at least we know why now). She would not give me the space I needed even if I asked and I lost a lot of individual attention that I needed because of her.

As adults we don't have a relationship. Probably because I'm aspie and she is neurotypical and she lives on the other side of the country. I wish I had one with her now though.

 

[Sparticus]

Excellent topic! I got along with 1 sibling who was an NT but was sensitive enough to want to help me etc. We were 1 year apart, shared the same friends but also fought a lot. We loved each other but he died young. Never got along with my oldest sibling-he always hated me and showed it. He was a pure NT, very critical of me to the max. But not as intelligent-he was just more sneaky.

PDD-my son was misdiagnosed with that. He has Aspergers...may you be able to talk to your son and find out what is going on. Good luck.

I talked about this in my introduction, but I'd like some insight from those on the spectrum and parents if possible.

If you are on the spectrum do you get along with your siblings, if not, why not? What is it that frustrates you about them? What could they do that would help you have a relationship with them. I wish I could see into the mind of my PDD NOS kid so I could figure out why his brother sets him off!

Any parents out there that are dealing with this issue? Aggressive behavior toward siblings??

Thanks for the insight!

 

[mama_lotus]

I'm late but I'll jump in anyway...

My brother and I were always really close; he was born when I was 2 years old, and I thought he was my baby. I sang him to sleep every night and begged to be allowed to change his diaper.

As we got older, I would do other things to take care of him, like cleaning his room while he watched cartoons as a surprise to make him happy. We argued, but I don't think either of us thought of it as arguing; I remember being frustrated when my parents would get angry about what I saw as simply animated discussions or debates.

Something that may have affected our ability to get along, however, is I suspect that he's also an Aspie; he was almost diagnosed as such, but because it was during a time when the school had essentially said he couldn't go back to class until a professional declared him not a danger to himself or others, they didn't worry too much about identifying what *was* wrong and instead cared about saying that whatever it was wasn't a problem. He's now about to graduate from high school and any social struggles have pretty much disappeared (so maybe I'm wrong), but he definitely took years to listen to my mother's instructions to look at people when they talked to him, to say hello when greeted, to ask others how they are; he was obsessive about dinosaurs, then about guns (which played a part in the school requiring he be checked for dangerous tendencies), and now about wilderness... I could continue, but the point is that I think he's an Aspie (I definitely see a lot of Aspie traits on my dad's side of the family, so it wouldn't be surprising).

Maybe because of those shared traits, I always spoke for him; I somehow knew exactly what he was trying to say when no one else could follow his train of thought, and in some ways I know my parents believe I added to his problems because, with me there to translate, he didn't have to learn to speak for himself. We always did everything together if possible, even if we had classmates around us with whom we could choose to play instead. I feel so lucky to have been so close to him. Of course as he got older, we grew apart, but even when I was a senior in highschool he loved to come talk to me at lunch, and he still brags to my past teachers that I'm his sister. I'm not sure we would have had such ease, though, if I'd been higher on the spectrum or if he'd lacked Aspie traits. As is, it was like we had our own way of communicating and I was the one who could translate for the rest of the world, but if we hadn't had that connection or if neither of us had had the skill to translate I suspect there would have been more frustration, resulting in tensions and arguments.

Oh it does my heart good to read your post. I have 2 sons, 2 years apart. I suspect one is an Aspie, the other has ADHD. At the very least, he is NT with an extremely short emotional fuse. They are the *best* of friends. Best. I never want that to go away.

As for myself. I have one sister and she and I were close growing up. She has some Aspie or socially avoidant tendencies herself. Unfortunately we aren't close now. I think (?) she views me as a prima donna. Or maybe she's caught up in her own bad choices. She never answers her phone and we never talk. It hurts my feelings sometimes because I feel like it's my fault, I'm not sure what I did, and I miss one of the only people who truly "got" me.

 

[umbrellabeach]

My siblings and I used to fight a lot as kids/young teens, but not so much anymore.

 

[GoofKing]

I have two younger brothers and I didn't exactly get along with the youngest one. I think this might have to with the fact that he's my half brother and his father assaulted me when I was a child. Of course I didn't know who his real father was until Mom told me and dropped the ball on that one.

I wonder if deep down I always knew he wasn't my full blood brother and that his real father assaulted me when I was a toddler. I remember him being in the military, big bad-ass soldier breaking children's noses. Is that what they taught our soldiers to do in basic training ?

Anyways, me and the middle one got along a little better but I do regret how I treated the youngest I want to make sure the youngest one knows that he's my brother (despite how I treated him) before something happens to me ...

 

[Andy R]

I'm the middle of three boys. I never felt I had anything in common with my brothers, other than a shared parentage. Come to think of it we are all very different people

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

My younger sister and I are total opposites of one another. She was always outgoing and had loads of friends, while I was always pretty quiet and had a few, really good friends.

But I got along with her pretty well.

 

[anja]

Me and my sister get along great! She is 3 ( nearly 4) years older than me. We do fight/argue but this is very short lived. She is very intelligent which I think aids in our relationship as we can do fact quizzes against each other (eg. List the state capitals and such) and we also have similar interests. Her boyfriend is also similar to us and so he fits right in when he's here making it easier for me to be around them and seem 'natural'. He's almost like a brother now instead of just her friend. I think my sister and I's relationship has strengthened through the act that we moved to multiple continents during our childhood so we always had to be each others' friends in situations where we knew no one else

 

[indigogrl1979]

I get along with one brother (the oldest) and one sister... (she's two years older than me) I'm the youngest out of five.

 

[blue_bird]

My brother was one of my best friends, but we're not friends at all anymore. Growing up my sister occupied that role, but we get on much better these days.

 

[Etzelaire]

I don't, I just get along with smart people.

 

[AsheSkyler]

My sister and I were bitter enemies for years, and I've got a lot more physical scars to show for it than she does! She destroyed my self-esteem and I gave her two eating disorders. I don't think it was the allistic/autistic mixed household that caused us to fight like cats and dogs. My family is pretty well known for being stubborn, hardheaded, and militantly strict. When those ideals don't agree with each other, they clash viciously. One thing that's always stayed the same for both of us: "my sister is my own private punching bag and if you mess with her I will rip your head off and shove it up your backside". Ah, sibling love. =)

I remember this one time a girl I had gone to school with had the audacity to challenge my sister to a fist fight over some stupid something or other. I really wish I could have told her in person how stupid that was and she'd regret it. She found out on her own though that it was a bad idea. They said she was pretty scratched up and bloody. Even though technically my sister lost, that other girl looked like she had lost. Like I said, I have more physical scars from my sister than she does from me!

We're both better now and we're nicer to each other. We joke, get the kids together to play. I help her out with academics and she helps me out with social issues. Her situation is too complicated for me to jump some jerks like she's done for me, so for now I'm just a rant buddy.

 

[Harrison]

Haven't seen mine in three decades and never thought about it till just. When my folks died we just drifted away and it was the best thing to happen at that time.

 

[May Black]

I'm six years older than my brother and even though we're very different and don't see each other very often, we have a very strong relationship. We didn't have a very good childhood, and I think that's partly why we bonded in the first place. My mother always used to say that she didn't care if we hate her as long as we love each other. This was obviously a lie, but considering he's my half brother and was heavily favored by my step father, she must have done something right.

 

[Sarek]

I don't get along my sister at all really. We just have nothing in common. We never did. Growing up she was always super harsh and critical with me. And she's younger by three years. Her personality is just being a jerk. It upset me a lot more when we were really young. I would cry to my mom and tell her whatever my sister had done and her response would be, "Your sister is just being herself" But in the same turn me simply being myself was wrong and deserved being yelled at. It's no wonder I spent most of my childhood hiding in my room by myself writing and drawing..

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm the oldest of all girls. We come from an enmeshed, abusive background, so that complicates things. But one thing that's helped me feel better around them...and that helps each of my kids get along with each other better...is to learn about personal boundaries and how to take ownership of my experience of reality, my own thoughts, my own preferences, my own opinion of myself, without being so vulnerable to their opinions/criticisms/nosiness...and without imposing my own opinions and so on towards them, either.

I teach my kids to enforce their own boundaries (they don't have to be touched if they don't want to) but to recognize where someone else's boundaries begin (you can't tell someone else to stop making a noise--they choose what noises they make). There has to be some fluidity to those rules, obviously...if we're all stuck in the car, no one is allowed to do something particularly annoying like making loud or repetitive noises because there's nowhere else for everyone else to go if it bothers us. You choose what you allow to happen to you in personal interactions and how you respond, but you can't enforce your preferences on what someone else does (though you can make polite requests).

 

[Syfmsl]

My brother is one of the few friends that i pass time with. We do very well

 

[Lyss]

I have two biological siblings, an older sister and a younger brother and all three of us are eighteen months apart. I also have step-sister who is five years younger than me. And to be perfectly honest, I never get along with them one hundred percent of the time.
I'm probably closest to my younger brother (who has ADHD and a learning disability) and I think it's because the both of us think in ways that are very different from the norm. His mind doesn't focus on one thing for too long and my mind moves too quickly from thought to thought for any one idea or emotion to sit for too long. So when we do fight, it's not long until we've gotten over it and just continue on being amicable. I think his own diagnosis also lends him some degree of empathy when dealing with me, in that he understands what it's like to have a atypical mind so he knows to be more patient with me.
Not so with my older sister. She takes things very personally and doesn't understand that I'm not even fully aware that I'm offending her in what I'm doing, let alone doing it for the purpose of offending her. So we butt heads a lot and more often than not, she brushes off my having aspergers because she sees it's an excuse rather than an explanation. It doesn't help that she's not very direct with her feelings, she prefers to show her emotions through subtle actions and hints and will assume that if you don't pick up on them then you're actually just snubbing her. Dealing with her (and my mother who she very strongly takes after) is exhausting and I tend to avoid the both of them.
But I definitely get along the worst with my step-sister (who has a number of other personality disorders as well as ADHD). Now whether our animosity is a result of our diagnoses causing conflict or just a difference in our personalities remains to be seen, but the fact stands that we fight like cats and dogs. From what I can discern of my own feelings about the situation, I might hold some resentment for the fact that she has no respect or care for anyone whom her actions might affect. I have spent a majority of my life being very careful with my words and actions because I know that when I'm not careful I tend to offend someone, so to be confronted with someone in my own home who very blatantly disregards what I hold as an important part of communication makes me pretty upset. Our vastly different upbringings lends some of it's own friction as well.
I think the best thing for any relationship between an aspie and a non-aspie is for the non-aspie to just be patient, not take the aspie's mistakes too personally, and just have some respect for the struggle the aspie might be going through. It won't make everything perfect, of course, but it'll reduce a bit of stress on everyone involved.

 

[Smart Shelly]

I have a younger sister who is probably NT
We have this co-dependent relationship and are very close to each other.
I always tell her that she's got the better DNA from our parents, and I was a prototype. LOL.

 

[Soup]

Well, I have a NT younger brother. I only get along with him at a distance. He is the father of my 2 nieces, so I grit my teeth & tolerate him. It is not easy for me to be deliberately friendly, as I am one of those solitary hermit-like Aspies, who would rather people just went away.

He has gotten heavily into the anti 1%, New World Order, the rich are coming to ________ (add terrible consequences here) us all. Whilst I recognize the injustice of the severe income disparities in the US & in many other places, HIS problems are mostly of HIS doing! Billionaires have nothing to do with it. I hate when people ignore what is right in front of them, disregard facts & instead choose to invent fanciful, paranoid, victim stories to obviate their responsibility for their own actions. I have a difficult nodding at the right times & saying, 'Yes, those Koch brothers really screwed you over." When I really want to say something much less placating & conciliatory. Add to that, the fact that we Aspies tend to not have much of a social filter...& you can see how I might, with my expressionless, dead-pan monotone, say something that will send him into freaking out.

To make matters much worse, HE EMOTES! He is one of those people whose voice is all over the place: loud, fast, then angry, then I don't even know what those other emotions are: they go by so quickly that it is a moot point anyhow. He takes EVERYTHING personally & he cannot argue using reason & fact. It is all emotion, outrage, shadowy conspiracies (that even if true, have nothing to do with him) & trying to convince others that he is both knowledgeable & right. He isn't. He is misinformed, has very limited factual knowledge & is illogical. If I were a 'melt-down' Aspie instead of a 'zoner-outer', well...things would have gone badly for him & I would be either in a loony bin or jail.

The best way for me to get along with him is to tell myself NOT to care what he says, that his opinions don't matter. Resist thee urge to correct his misinformation & just nod like a bobble-head & say, Mmm...Uh Huh & Yah (other meaningless noises NTs make work well here). He is in his 40s: too old to be so ridiculous, but there it is.