SIBLING ISSUES - DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR SIBLING??

[WWellen]

I talked about this in my introduction, but I'd like some insight from those on the spectrum and parents if possible.

If you are on the spectrum do you get along with your siblings, if not, why not? What is it that frustrates you about them? What could they do that would help you have a relationship with them. I wish I could see into the mind of my PDD NOS kid so I could figure out why his brother sets him off!

Any parents out there that are dealing with this issue? Aggressive behavior toward siblings??

Thanks for the insight!

 

[Christy]

I have 3 sisters, so I don't know that my experiences will be particularly relevant, but on reflection I think a predominant cause of our fights was when I was meant to do something and I either didn't want to or didn't do it well enough (according to my sisters). This would mean they would have to pick up the slack (things like doing the dishes). It's not that I was trying to provoke them, it's just that my mind was on something else and doing the dishes was such a distraction. I also suspect the effort of getting through the day and dealing with NTs left me particularly tired, so I neither had the stamina to do what needed to be done, nor did I have the emotional reserves to interact with my sisters particularly well.

I have since learnt that I need my down time in order to recouperate. I prepare myself emotionally before interacting with my family, and I allow myself time to recourperate afterwards. For some reason interacting with my sisters is particularly draining. But it helps when I know what we are doing, and how long it will likely take.

Perhaps if you took the pressure off your sons having to get along all the time, and instead structured time for them to be together, that may make a difference?? Your aspie son may have issues with your NT son because your NT son draws your aspie son away from the things he wants to be doing. By effectively making a "play date" with a defined start and finish time, your aspie son may be able to prepare himself to be drawn away from the things he wants to be doing because it is structured. You may even have to specify what activity they are to do together as this would give him more security in structure?? But if they can learn to get along that way, it may mean peace the rest of the time.

I really don't know though, I'm just throwing out thoughts in the hope it may help!

 

[WWellen]

Ye

I have 3 sisters, so I don't know that my experiences will be particularly relevant, but on reflection I think a predominant cause of our fights was when I was meant to do something and I either didn't want to or didn't do it well enough (according to my sisters). This would mean they would have to pick up the slack (things like doing the dishes). It's not that I was trying to provoke them, it's just that my mind was on something else and doing the dishes was such a distraction. I also suspect the effort of getting through the day and dealing with NTs left me particularly tired, so I neither had the stamina to do what needed to be done, nor did I have the emotional reserves to interact with my sisters particularly well.

I have since learnt that I need my down time in order to recouperate. I prepare myself emotionally before interacting with my family, and I allow myself time to recourperate afterwards. For some reason interacting with my sisters is particularly draining. But it helps when I know what we are doing, and how long it will likely take.

Perhaps if you took the pressure off your sons having to get along all the time, and instead structured time for them to be together, that may make a difference?? Your aspie son may have issues with your NT son because your NT son draws your aspie son away from the things he wants to be doing. By effectively making a "play date" with a defined start and finish time, your aspie son may be able to prepare himself to be drawn away from the things he wants to be doing because it is structured. You may even have to specify what activity they are to do together as this would give him more security in structure?? But if they can learn to get along that way, it may mean peace the rest of the time.

I really don't know though, I'm just throwing out thoughts in the hope it may help!

Thanks I have thought about the structured time together too. Thanks a lot for your response !

 

[WWellen]

W

I'm an only child, but I had three step-brothers when my mother remarried. I was the oldest and there was two years between each of us boys. The middle step-brother and I were very close. His older and younger brother and I got along like two strange bulldogs. On a couple occasions, I tried to relieve them of their insignificant lives. Mark, the middle one, died when he was just 21-years-old. His passing was one that I have never quite gotten over even though it was 27 years ago. Looking back, I suspect he was an Aspie, which is probably why we got along so well. To this day I still miss him.

Wow - sorry for your loss. Thanks for the reply

 

[tlc]

I have one sister 2.5 years younger than me. We get along enough to be civil but that's about it. When we were very young we got along better but once we grew up we grew apart. She is the total opposite of me in all ways but one, that we both work hard. I do math, she does fiction and stories. I fix things, she buys things. I am in my own little world, she loves parties and socializing and all that. She smokes and drinks, I don't. She is a cosmetologist and into style and trends, I don't care about style or what's popular or current. She doesn't give, I tend to bend over backwards for people. She won't come out to my house. On top of going 700 miles to have my daughter here for a weekend, I'm the one who has to do more running around if my daughter wants to see her cousins.

I think the worst day of my life last year was when I my daughter wanted to spend the day with her cousins, and I rode with my folks so I was on their time. It was like 90F so a rare roasting day for Michigan. The kids were preoccupied in the water. We ended up sitting all day on her pontoon boat. Surrounded by a family and hundreds of people doing the same thing which was nothing but mindlessly socializing, booze in one hand and smoke in the other. Absolutely nothing to do, nothing to read, nothing to doodle on, nowhere to walk to and explore, completely trapped. I just sat all day in a trance, trying to shut everything out and pass the time.

 

[Vanilla]

I have one sister, and you could say our relationship is some what interesting

Most of the time we're quite civil to one another, and actively look out for each other, but there are days when we fight, and while I rarely get angry, she can bring out the worse in me.

Our relationship is rather complicated though; it stems from us both having a somewhat unconventional, and rough, upbringing. It goes beyond me simply having Asperger's, but that's another story.

 

[WWellen]

I have one sister 2.5 years younger than me. We get along enough to be civil but that's about it. When we were very young we got along better but once we grew up we grew apart. She is the total opposite of me in all ways but one, that we both work hard. I do math, she does fiction and stories. I fix things, she buys things. I am in my own little world, she loves parties and socializing and all that. She smokes and drinks, I don't. She is a cosmetologist and into style and trends, I don't care about style or what's popular or current. She doesn't give, I tend to bend over backwards for people. She won't come out to my house. On top of going 700 miles to have my daughter here for a weekend, I'm the one who has to do more running around if my daughter wants to see her cousins.

I think the worst day of my life last year was when I my daughter wanted to spend the day with her cousins, and I rode with my folks so I was on their time. It was like 90F so a rare roasting day for Michigan. The kids were preoccupied in the water. We ended up sitting all day on her pontoon boat. Surrounded by a family and hundreds of people doing the same thing which was nothing but mindlessly socializing, booze in one hand and smoke in the other. Absolutely nothing to do, nothing to read, nothing to doodle on, nowhere to walk to and explore, completely trapped. I just sat all day in a trance, trying to shut everything out and pass the time.

Thanks for the reply, it's very helpful to see what's in the mind of someone on the spectrum, my son would not have liked that either and would have been asking to leave. It's good that you tried though, I'm sure they appreciated your effort. My two sons actually have some things in common, they both enjoy video games. I am going to try to get them to interact using a new gaming system one of them is buying this weekend, hoping they can use it as a way to build some trust. Thanks again!

 

[WWellen]

I have one sister, and you could say our relationship is some what interesting

Most of the time we're quite civil to one another, and actively look out for each other, but there are days when we fight, and while I rarely get angry, she can bring out the worse in me.

Our relationship is rather complicated though; it stems from us both having a somewhat unconventional, and rough, upbringing. It goes beyond me simply having Asperger's, but that's another story.

Thanks! that's a good way to put it, bringing out the worst. Jason (the one on the spectrum) is almost always very pleasant to be around, only when he is around his brother does he have issues. He goes from 1 to 10 immediately if his brother does something as minor as clap his hands. Thanks again!

 

[TCJ]

I talked about this in my introduction, but I'd like some insight from those on the spectrum and parents if possible.

If you are on the spectrum do you get along with your siblings, if not, why not? What is it that frustrates you about them? What could they do that would help you have a relationship with them. I wish I could see into the mind of my PDD NOS kid so I could figure out why his brother sets him off!

Any parents out there that are dealing with this issue? Aggressive behavior toward siblings??

Thanks for the insight!

I get along well with them. When I was young. Not so much. They've met me in the middle. I still have to clear things up occasionally and it's fine. What frustrates me is that no matter how many times I give them my framework - being blunt not having subtle digs or insinuations, I still have to clear it up with them

 

[CupcakeQueen]

im the youngest of three with two older brothers (both NT). i love them both and am grateful to have grown up with them. as kids, i generally got along with my oldest brother but used to fight a lot with my other brother. i got mad at him because he would tease me and deliberately did things to provoke me but thats just what brothers do. i did get physically aggressive because i had a bad temper as a child and didnt understand that reacting that way only showed he was getting under my skin. he may have driven me crazy growing up but im thankful now because he helped me discern and handle malicious taunting and laugh off innocent teasing. hope this helps!

 

[Arashi222]

I have one Younger NT sister who is awesome...we didn't always get along but we never hated each other. I love her dearly. In fact she has already told my mom that when the time comes (as in my mom dying not that htat will happen for awhile) but she will take care of me. I am grateful. She is only two years younger than me.

 

[Warwick C]

What a lovely sister you have Arashi. I would like a relative like that but I don't, I have a younger brother in a assisted living home through the IHC

 

[Jordan]

I try to get along with my older sister. Although we don't see eye-to-eye that often. I try to talk to her. She is still my sister nonetheless. Some argumentative conversations can get really energy sapping for me. Especially when trying to start a conversation about something in the first place.

It's either, "I don't want to talk to you" or "I hate you". I know she doesn't hate me. It's maybe just a clash of Aspie - NT. But I will always love my sister despite my efforts to try and make a conversation. I think since she has heard about my AS she has been coming to accept it more. She does tell me to not try and use it at an excuse, even if I do shout at her over the smallest of things. I think it's not necessarily my willingness not to socialize, it's my willingness to understand certain social conversations and to avoid arguments that may lead to a disagreement on something, or for me not to prove a point.

I suppose I cannot help my over intelligent statements, even if it's not directly towards her. - I do get along with my little brother, he's obsessed with lego and trains. He can talk about every single name of train, even if I don't know what it is he says it's either "Thomas" or "Percie". It's really cute, and he's really clever for his age. - Sometimes I often can't get involved in the social topics that my siblings talk about because I don't know about what they are talking about. I guess it's a statement of how fixated I can get over technology, so I am always talking about the latest tablet or gadget.

 

[Flinty]

I don't really have contact with my siblings outside family gatherings, and I avoid the bigger ones of those.

The other exception is that I occasionally run into my sister at the mall. It should happen more often given that we live six blocks apart, but that's life.

 

[WWellen]

Thank you all for your replies, they are very encouraging and help me as a parent understand the NT and autistic relationship - it helps to know that my kids aren't the only ones that struggle with these issues !

 

[Tarragon]

I'm a single child, and reading through this thread is interesting to me. I'm not sure whether I've avoided a lot of hassle, or am missing out on something!!

 

[Sev]

I'm the only Neuroatypical person in my family, and have never really gotten on with any of them because of it. I find my siblings to be extremely loud and dislike being around them because of it. I would probably have a better relationship with them if they tried to be a bit quieter around me, though, sometimes I feel that it would be an unreasonable request to have them change, and not change myself; perhaps I should become more tolerant of noise...

 

[Kalapark]

QUOTE="WWellen, post: 91155, member: 3641"] talked about this in my introduction, but I'd like some insight from those on the spectrum and parents if possible.

If you are on the spectrum do you get along with your siblings, if not, why not? What is it that frustrates you about them? What could they do that would help you have a relationship with them. I wish I could see into the mind of my PDD NOS kid so I could figure out why his brother sets him off!

Any parents out there that are dealing with this issue? Aggressive behavior toward siblings??

Thanks for the insight![/QUOTE]

Hi, we have two boys a 12yo with asperges and a 10yo NT/suspect ADHD. The AS one absolutely hates his NT brother unless of course he does what he wants or gets involved in his special interests.

As parents we find it a constant struggle a common phrase yelled in our house is "I hate him, he ruined my live, I wish he was never born and I am going to kill him one day", AS can not say anything positive about his younger brother, we find it quite distressing and it is so unfair on NT, he's always saying "you have to do something about him"it's hard for him to understand that we can't because it's a neurological difference.

We are constantly having to tell AS to say things more positive, we have discovered that the fact that his brother is a stereotypical (sporty, social, active) is what AS doesn't like about him, I suspect this could be because these are the type of kids AS gets bullied by at school.

I also think that a certain amount of their fighting can be attributed to normal sibling rivalry, I know my nieces hated each other when they were younger now their older they get on great.

But I know what you're going through and it's not easy nor does it make for a peaceful home life, some days I just feel like crawling under a rock but that won't fix anything so we've just got to keep plodding along, if anyone else has any suggestions i too would like to hear them.

 

[Sparticus]

I got along with my middle brother-he was 1 year older. Often we fought but we were so close. Even though he as an NT and macho, he was sensitive and tried to help me especially as we grew older. We both loved each other very much. But he is gone and I have never gotten along with my oldest brother, another NT. He's always been mean and selfish.

Like an idiot I've tried to befriend him many times and even take care of him...but a snake is a snake.

 

[LittleFiddle05]

I'm late but I'll jump in anyway...

My brother and I were always really close; he was born when I was 2 years old, and I thought he was my baby. I sang him to sleep every night and begged to be allowed to change his diaper.

As we got older, I would do other things to take care of him, like cleaning his room while he watched cartoons as a surprise to make him happy. We argued, but I don't think either of us thought of it as arguing; I remember being frustrated when my parents would get angry about what I saw as simply animated discussions or debates.

Something that may have affected our ability to get along, however, is I suspect that he's also an Aspie; he was almost diagnosed as such, but because it was during a time when the school had essentially said he couldn't go back to class until a professional declared him not a danger to himself or others, they didn't worry too much about identifying what *was* wrong and instead cared about saying that whatever it was wasn't a problem. He's now about to graduate from high school and any social struggles have pretty much disappeared (so maybe I'm wrong), but he definitely took years to listen to my mother's instructions to look at people when they talked to him, to say hello when greeted, to ask others how they are; he was obsessive about dinosaurs, then about guns (which played a part in the school requiring he be checked for dangerous tendencies), and now about wilderness... I could continue, but the point is that I think he's an Aspie (I definitely see a lot of Aspie traits on my dad's side of the family, so it wouldn't be surprising).

Maybe because of those shared traits, I always spoke for him; I somehow knew exactly what he was trying to say when no one else could follow his train of thought, and in some ways I know my parents believe I added to his problems because, with me there to translate, he didn't have to learn to speak for himself. We always did everything together if possible, even if we had classmates around us with whom we could choose to play instead. I feel so lucky to have been so close to him. Of course as he got older, we grew apart, but even when I was a senior in highschool he loved to come talk to me at lunch, and he still brags to my past teachers that I'm his sister. I'm not sure we would have had such ease, though, if I'd been higher on the spectrum or if he'd lacked Aspie traits. As is, it was like we had our own way of communicating and I was the one who could translate for the rest of the world, but if we hadn't had that connection or if neither of us had had the skill to translate I suspect there would have been more frustration, resulting in tensions and arguments.