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Should i just ask him if he's mad at me?

Annaa

Active Member
I feel like someone I know is mad at me but I'm scared if I ask if he's mad at me he'll get even more mad or it would make everything weird.
Now I feel like I might only feel this way because of my past traumas but should I just ask?
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Might be best to say nothing and let time dissipate whatever hostility might exist. Mostly given that you don't seem to be certain this person is in fact angry towards you.

Otherwise you may be opening up a "Pandora's Box" in terms of how the other person may react over what may not have happened to begin with. It's not logical, but I've seen that scenario play out before.

Keeping in mind how often those of us on the spectrum often think things out in terms of worse-case-scenarios, reflecting conditions likely to be worse than they actually are. ;)
 
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kriss72

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
How well do you know this guy? Is it someone like a college or friend that you are likely to interact regularly with? If it is, it might be better to ask and while it might be hard, it could make it more easy in the future - I'm assuming you don't know why he would be mad at you?
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Understand how you feel. You don't want to piss them off more, but not knowing is causing you to ruminate. You could innocently ask, "so if you were upset about something, you would say something, right?"
Or you could just not say anything.
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
It might be helpful to tell us a bit more about what led to these feelings. (As @AuroraBorealis asked in post #3.)

Generally speaking, I think it's a very good idea to ask someone one time, but if you find you are wanting to ask again and again after getting an answer, that is problematic.

If you find yourself asking the same person periodically, that is also usually problematic and indicates either some work you have to do on your feelings or something wrong with the relationship.
 

kriss72

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm most likely missing something here - it might be cultural, or maybe something I don't know about nt's but why would the guy become more angry if asked? Like, he might say what he think, but wouldn't he be thinking those things anyway?
 

AuroraBorealis

Well-Known Member
I'm most likely missing something here - it might be cultural, or maybe something I don't know about nt's but why would the guy become more angry if asked? Like, he might say what he think, but wouldn't he be thinking those things anyway?
I'm also a bit lost with that, since I don't understand why asking someone if they're angry would be something bad or irritating (unless that person asked over and over again despite me reassuring them that I'm not mad).

However, I've seen it happening, that people get angry because you didn't pick up on them being angry without them having to tell you. Like: "you did something so bad, obviously I'm angry at you, you're not paying any attention to me, otherwise you'd know that and why I am angry" (original train of thought of someone telling me about this when it happened between them and their partner). Obviously its not really effective communication but it happens.
 

Mr. Stevens

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm also a bit lost with that, since I don't understand why asking someone if they're angry would be something bad or irritating (unless that person asked over and over again despite me reassuring them that I'm not mad).

However, I've seen it happening, that people get angry because you didn't pick up on them being angry without them having to tell you. Like: "you did something so bad, obviously I'm angry at you, you're not paying any attention to me, otherwise you'd know that and why I am angry" (original train of thought of someone telling me about this when it happened between them and their partner). Obviously its not really effective communication but it happens.

I believe they feel that the original offense ignored their feelings, so if you don't realize you made them angry then you're ignoring their feelings once more. Hence, the additional anger.
 

kriss72

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I believe they feel that the original offense ignored their feelings, so if you don't realize you made them angry then you're ignoring their feelings once more. Hence, the additional anger.
Thank you for explaining, I think this would just be a good reason to get it out in the open, by asking them, how can we learn if we don't ask them?
 
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Annaa

Active Member
I'm most likely missing something here - it might be cultural, or maybe something I don't know about nt's but why would the guy become more angry if asked? Like, he might say what he think, but wouldn't he be thinking those things anyway?
I don't know honestly I think it might just be my perception.
 

kriss72

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I don't know honestly I think it might just be my perception.
Maybe... I do understand the feeling of not wanting to "rock the boat" I do that all the time, some things are really more easy to say than do...
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Maybe talking this out here helps you feel a little more confident no matter what you decide. I sorta was clingy in a relationship because the person wasn't very demonstrative in feelings, and l never knew if l had crossed some imaginary line and upset them.:)
 

AuroraBorealis

Well-Known Member
I believe they feel that the original offense ignored their feelings, so if you don't realize you made them angry then you're ignoring their feelings once more. Hence, the additional anger.
That's a very good explanation.

But, in my experience, most open-minded, decent people won't mind if you ask them honestly "I'm sorry, but sometimes I have difficulties recognizing social clues. Please let me know if you're mad at me, and, if possible, what I did or what I should do to make this better."
If someone reacts badly to this, honestly, you're not to blame. And decent people should recognize this and get back to you, even if they're too angry at that moment to do it straight away but need to fume a bit and take the discussion back up at a later point.
Of course, it depends also on what you did (some things are just considered unforgivable to a lot of people) and how well you know this person. But someone who's close with you should know that you have trouble picking up on some situation, shouldn't they?
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
I don't know honestly I think it might just be my perception.
Sometimes, it can be helpful to take a logical approach and gather evidence in your mind. Our feelings and perceptions are important, but so many of us jump to the feeling or perception that we have done something wrong or upset someone. Maybe you can try to make a list of what specific things make you feel like this person is angry. There's a good chance that there is no evidence and they are not angry with you at all.

Asking them directly seems like one way to gather evidence. Maybe they will say, "No, not at all!" and then that can help you work through negative feelings about yourself in the future. It's helpful to notice when our negative inner voice is (annoyingly) speaking louder than the actual facts right before us. Sometimes, my negative inner voice just needs to hear me say, "Hush now. Enough out of you for today."
 

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