Should I encourage adult son to find a job

[krismorris2019]

Hi! I’m hoping someone out there can help me. I am an undiagnosed aspie/autistic. So is my 28 year old son. He lives at home and is currently unemployed. He worked as a dishwasher for almost 2 years. He quit last December for legit reasons and has not looked for a job since. He just seems stuck. Should I actively encourage him to either go back to school or look for work, or let him be and trust he’ll figure it out eventually? I don’t know the best way to support him and when I ask his answers are vague. Thanks!

 

[Rodafina]

What does he do with his time on a daily basis? Anything that contributes to the household or other family members? Do you have any concerns about depression or other mental health issues?

 

[Judge]

Tough memories. "Stuck" indeed. Sometimes to a point of complete inaction, not knowing what to do.

Yet it didn't keep my own mother from encouraging/pestering me in my own best interest. After all, if not her who else would bother? She was always my best advocate and most trusted friend.

Thinking of even now so many decades ago and how I still think of looking for work as "the bane of my existence", even though once I got a job I usually held it for a long amount of time.

 

[Aspychata]

So why hasn't he looked for a job? Why do you allow him to stay with you and not work?

 

[Outdated]

This is not an autism thing, it's not even a uniquely human thing as all animals will do the same thing - as long as life is comfortable they will resist any and all change. Yes, you need to encourage your son to start standing on his own two feet. Perhaps even a little brutal honesty is called for and you can point out to him that you're not exactly young any more and won't be around to support him forever.

Thinking of even now so many decades ago and how I still think of looking for work as "the bane of my existence", even though once I got a job I usually held it for a long amount of time.

I was exactly the opposite.

 

[TBRS1]

Knowing nothing about the individual, or the details of the situation, I wonder if the reluctance to look for work is at least partially the result of a bad work experience at the job he had to quit.

It's likely that some gentle nudging (but definitely not forcing) might be necessary.

Sometimes external coaching (from a professional therapist) helps. The way a person responds to parental coaching and coaching from an external source can be very different.

You could wait to see if he figures it out on his own, but you might want to set a time limit as to how long you will wait.

If you try waiting, keep the "time limit" to yourself - if you share it with your son it may be perceived as a threat, which is counterproductive, and might cause useless anxiety.

 

[Judge]

I was exactly the opposite.

I was raised in a military household. Where any kind of "defiance" was met with a harsh response. So doing the job was much easier to digest than the "dog and pony show" of having to audition for them.

Made it easier to conform with "occupational culture", even when I didn't like it. Though I thought things along such lines got much better around the early 80s.

Though my NT brother was much like you. No problem with getting the job, but just holding it for any time was another issue for him. Needless to say his relationship with our father was at best, "tense".

 

[Tired]

Not sure why isn't he working if he can, it's never good to depend on someone instead of being useful to yourself and others you care for.

 

[TBRS1]

Not sure why isn't he working if he can, it's never good to depend on someone instead of being useful to yourself and others you care for.

"Why isn't he working" is the question that has to be answered before the question "what should I do" can be answered.

The answer is almost never "because he doesn't want to", even though it may look that way.

The likely reasons why a person doesn't work are:
1. Physical or mental disability
2. Lack of opportunity (location, education, stable living conditions, prejudice against, ect.)
3. This is a special subset of #1 - a result of some form of anxiety disorder.

Autistic folks tend to suffer from anxiety, at least sometimes. This is where I would start looking.

 

[Aspychata]

Why wouldn't you encourage your son to be self-sufficient is what l wish to ask the op.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

When I lost my position a few times plant closing, went back to school. Even when position obtaind continued night school. got second diploma.as a Technician. on top of my current techologist diploma. Further job losses went to night school got certificates in quality engineering, and finally a certificate in quality management. I sort of get your son watched my older brother loss his job mental health issues Boy did he work at obtaining another position. No body would hire him, All they saw was a weird guy I did not know both of us were on the spectrum. Him being a genius did not help. thirty year unemployed retired at 65, passed away from stroke months later Found out after he had thrown out his degree awards. To be ignored, by society. biggest insult. If you want to understand see the biograthy of Niels Abel, Abel prize named after him. Well after he died lagacy discovered.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi! I’m hoping someone out there can help me. I am an undiagnosed aspie/autistic. So is my 28 year old son. He lives at home and is currently unemployed. He worked as a dishwasher for almost 2 years. He quit last December for legit reasons and has not looked for a job since. He just seems stuck. Should I actively encourage him to either go back to school or look for work, or let him be and trust he’ll figure it out eventually? I don’t know the best way to support him and when I ask his answers are vague. Thanks!

We've had threads on what the future of human employment picture looks like. In the US alone, right now, there are roughly 7 million open positions, with about 1.5 million of those jobs in the skilled trades (HVAC, electricians, welders, heavy equipment operators, plumbing, etc.). These jobs, at least right now, appear to be a "safe haven" from AI and humanoid robot replacement. Right now, there are plenty of scholarships and grants for people to go to a trade school and obtain employment into a 6-figure income. Supply is critically low and the demand is critically high, so companies are competing for employees with huge compensation packages.

Since many of these trade schools are, for the most part, hands-on learning...this tends to suit many of us that are not classroom learners. Many of us need to be on our feet and active to learn.

This idea that you should let him be and trust he'll figure it out...NO. He will settle in to what is most comfortable and that will be the end of him...he'll be yours forever. LOL!

 

[Cutesie]

I'm in, and have for a long time been, in a similar position to your son. It's been close to a decade since I even looked for a job. Anxiety and depression are huge factors, but perhaps bigger is the lack of necessity.

Living with my mother, I am contributing something. I receive government benefits because of a physical disability (legal blindness), one that should still allow me to work. Most of that check I give to her, but I could be doing more if I got a job.

I really am stuck. Figuring it out alone, and trying to figure it out with therapy, hasn't helped. My mother never does anything to push me; she's probably scared of what it'd do to a frequently-suicidal person. There's another relative who sometimes does say things to me, but he's someone whose opinion I don't value.

This wasn't what you asked for. I've given you no advice concerning your son, but maybe you can get something out of seeing another perspective.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Unfortunately my brother had an electronics engineering degree University of Waterloo programmer when programming was hot, any person with abiliry to code gets job. Still could land nothing.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

What skills set or unusual abilities does your son possess, his interests will give a clue. My first job a lab tech on a coil coating line I saw a book on industrial colour control took it home read it. Told myself I want to do this for a career.
Turned into world class expert.

 

[Shevek]

I did a lot better with self-employment than in a job.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My younger brother made a breakthrough in stock trading plant closed no longer required employment got employment where he could contribute renumeration not important. when this place closed just left. Only officially retired couple of years ago Shows thier is multiple ways for us Aspies to live in a NT world.

 

[Rocco]

If he can find a way to be self employed it could be helpful.
If not, maybe consider a trade, I am biased towards being an electrician because that’s what I know. Pipe fitters also do well (they get paid more than electricians these days $80k-120k.

A union journeyman electrician’s yearly wage is around $85k $40/hr (rural-lower population areas) to $109,000+ $53/hr (in California cities)
I typically work about 7-9 months a year with my union, but if I did a full 52 week year I would be in the over $100k category.

Most trade unions have free apprenticeship training and apprentices work and get schooling. Usually work in the day and school 2 nights a week. The core “construction” trades are not in any danger of being replaced by Artificial Intelligence.

Low voltage/data electricians make less but the work itself if a LOT cleaner and easier (around $85k-$95k

Trade work can be a bit of a challenge at times, both physically and socially. It definitely has its ups and downs. Having benefits like a pension, healthcare, and safer working conditions is really nice compared to non-union trades.

Union electrical work allows me to live alone and independently which feels AMAZING.

 

[Crossbreed]

@krismorris2019, what country are you in?

If his autism is interfering with his job prospects, it seems most prudent to get a diagnosis, first, and find out what expectations are realistic and what accommodations might be necessary. Until then, he will feel pretty beat up and not know why. I was top of my class in [automation] training, but I could only land labor jobs. They were not beneath me, but I could not keep up with them. Instead of a work history that boasted of my programming skills, my resume' said I was a slow dish washer...!

So, I stopped considering work that was not, at least, adjacent to my training.

Even ASD1s are underemployed unless we find a niche position or it is a seller's-market economy.

If you are in the US, see Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Us Aspies are known for being atypically bright this will detemine which route best suits your son. My older brother was capable of doing top secret work for the Canadian Navy while in university yet nobody wanted to hire him when a mental health issue and his undiagnosed autism made him appear unemployable. Unable to do menial work.I remember him telling me about the schrodinger equation in grade school I Was probably eight him nine.