Self esteem

[Geirlaug]

Hi! I have dated what I think is an aspie guy for 2 years. Is it common that aspies say condescending things about themselves?

 

[tree]

"Is it common that aspies say condescending things about themselves?"

Can you clarify that question?

Do you mean
A. The guy presents himself as better/smarter etc than others
or
B. Puts himself down (talks about self in a negative way)

 

[Theta.G]

self deprecation?
That's not a defining trait we have.

 

[Moomin]

That’s down to him. Not a specific defining trait. Although I’ve met a few on the spectrum, and including me, have self esteem struggles.

 

[tree]

First I think it would be good to know what the question actually is asking.
Whether the person is being negative about others or about himself,
either way indicates self-esteem issues.

Being negative about others shows a desire to appear superior. Being negative
about oneself indicates self dis-satisfaction.

Not every person on the spectrum feels a need to do either one.

 

[Bedlamite]

Is it common that aspies say condescending things about themselves?

Greetings Geirlaug, I'm not really sure if what you are asking is actually a common or specific trait among Aspies but from my life time experiences I have found that most everybody are condescending, either to others or to themselves - one or the other. But the majority of people are condescending to others. Often, you will find individuals that will humble themselves but the manner in which they accomplish this cannot really be considered condescending to oneself.

However, at various times people that do have difficulty with "self-esteem" have been known to speak condescendingly while talking about themselves. I believe the underlying rational behind this behavior stems from someone that has sub-conscious issues with how they perceive the way others view them. Someone that may be highly skilled at some personal endeavor might feel "sub-conscious" when speaking in detail to others about their interest because they think they may be taken as "ˈsnobbish, haughty, or high-minded". Or it could possibly be something else. What ever the case may be, it is a good question for discussion here on this forum.

 

[Geirlaug]

There have been so many issues leading me to think he has aspergers. I asked him but he said he didn't know what it was though. He has different phobias, is low in periods, says he finds social situations difficult, very few friends, in IT, excellent with numbers, excellent in his sport, he disappears into his own world at times, keeps to himself, secretive (I know things his best friend doesn't know), and then in between he says things like he is "a sick bastard". I find him adorable, but he gives me the idea that he wants me to save me from him. He says I'm worth someone better. He told me last week he is low and now he has been quiet for 5 days. I don't know what to do.

 

[Geirlaug]

Sometimes he can be quiet for a couple of days and then suddenly send me a peculiar video of something or just good morning smiley. He has huge difficulties talking about feelings even though he has told me a few times that he is in love with me. I know he has been under alot of stress lately though, so I'm just trying to give jim space at the moment. But I really miss him.

 

[Geirlaug]

Maybe I should mention that he talked about rest and seclusion 2 weeks ago.

 

[Bedlamite]

I know he has been under alot of stress lately....

I can only speak for myself. He has a lot of the same personality traits that I can relate to as an aspie. (i.e. social situations difficult, very few friends, excellent in his sport, he disappears into his own world at times, keeps to himself, secretive) I can attest to the fact that stress can exacerbate these traits. However, it would be paramount to note that I am not stating the possibility that he may be on the spectrum and to approach him with a discussion of this matter needs to be strategically calculated. Considering the disposition that you have described, it sounds like he may also display a defensive sensitivity to the subject.

 

[Fino]

It sounds like he has thoughts he hasn't shared that he thinks make him a "sick bastard."

If I hear someone say that I'm too good for them and deserve someone better, I believe them and run.

In my experience, ignoring that and trying to convince them otherwise doesn't work and they try harder and harder, conscious or not I don't know, to convince you that they're not good enough just to affirm their own self-beliefs.

I don't know if that's actually common or if I just got unlucky, but that's been my experience.

 

[Mattymatt]

Hi! I have dated what I think is an aspie guy for 2 years. Is it common that aspies say condescending things about themselves?

I cannot say whether or not that this is necessarily common. When people tend to be self-deprecating, it isn't really indicative of autism but might actually point to undiagnosed depression and underlying self-esteem issues in the person. Autism tends to be sensory related whereas self-deprecation is more mood.

I tend to have a self-deprecating sense of humor but that's really, in my opinion, a healthy thing. When I can laugh at myself, I generally feel a whole lot better.

 

[Geirlaug]

I have noticed that he often has a hard time concentrating when we are in a busy restaurant. He says he prefers when he doesn't understand the other people's language because he keeps hearing all the conversations around him.

 

[Mattymatt]

I have noticed that he often has a hard time concentrating when we are in a busy restaurant. He says he prefers when he doesn't understand the other people's language because he keeps hearing all the conversations around him.

Now THAT is more classically autism-related.

 

[Geirlaug]

Ok. Interesting. I wrote down a list of things that I have noticed. Maybe you can tell me if any if it is autism related?

Dresses the same. Always buys the same kind of clothes.
Lots of routines. Gets up at 5. Runs for sn hour. Gym time specific times. Trains 3 times a day when he is able to. Depressed when he is unable to train.
One specific interest which occupies most of his time
Difficulties to express emotions
Misunderstands me sometimes
Works in IT
Plays computer games
Few friends, keeps them for a long time
Likes to be alone
Intelligent
Honest
Strong awareness of right and wrong
Not very talkative, seems shy sometimes
Eadily stressed
Dislikes parties
Committment problems
Dislikes demands and surprises
Phone phobia
Children phobia
Sleeps alot when he is able to
Very tired in between
Withdraws
Sits alone in a dark room when he needs to rest
Disturbed by others' conversations
Fears things
Anxiety
Didn't know his parents' names for a long time
Doesn't know how old his parents are
He is 34 but lives with his parents currently
Puts things in right order, like things on the table, friend of order
Sees details like the ceiling fan
It makes him uncomfortable when others are sad
Doesn't want to be comforted (just left alone) when not feeling well
Dismounted toys as a kid instead of playing with them
Doesn't like his brother
Distanced from his family
Best friend is one fenale whom he sees once or twice a year
Fussy eating habits
Seems a bit paranoid at times
Doesn't remember names or dates
Remembers everything he has read and all films he has seen
Learns by listening to the teachers

 

[Geirlaug]

And I also feel he is being used by some friends. He is too nice to people who don't really seem nice back.

 

[Fino]

I'm not sure any of the family stuff (except maybe parents' names) is unusual. A lot of people don't like their families or brothers or aren't close with them, for various reasons.

Is it unusual to not know how old your parents are? I've never kept track, I can only estimate.

At first I was gonna say most of them are normal, but maybe I just think that because I'm autistic LOL I don't know anymore. Others here will know more.