Self-diagnosis and invalidation from family

[its_about_the_cones]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, so forgive me if I don't know exactly how this works. I just feel that I need to be heard about something. I was diagnosed with ADHD late last year, and I'm still figuring that out. For the past few months, however, I've begun to suspect I also have autism. I've been masking pretty heavily my whole life, though, so it's been a slow process to figure all of this out. I've done a lot of research on this and so far everything matches with my experiences, so I'm fairly certain. I have a tab open to book an appointment for an assessment, but it costs a lot of money so I haven't done it yet.

I want to post about the traits that I relate to and get some advice on diagnosis, but right now I have something else I want to get some help on. It's about my family and the way they react to any possibility that I could be autistic.

For the past four years, I've been trying to figure out my brain. I was diagnosed with depression, but that didn't quite fit, so I kept pushing and researching, and when I started learning about ADHD, I finally felt close to understanding myself. My mom was not supportive of my diagnosis, and it's been really hard because I depend on her a lot. I got the ADHD diagnosis on my own, paid for it myself despite being unemployed at the time, and though she knew about it and sort of "let me" go through with it, she always seemed to think that there wasn't a point to getting a diagnosis -- she would always say that there's no reason to "label myself". Even now, because I'm a little more open about my condition and how it affects me, she doesn't say anything specific, but she never asks any questions or listens with any empathy. Whenever I mention ADHD, she kind of shuts down and then finds a way to change the subject, or tell me that "everyone feels that way sometimes".

The autism is a bit more tricky, because I know for a fact that she has an idea of what autism is like, and it doesn't look like me. My brother-in-law has the most stereotypical autistic traits, and that seems to be the only way she sees autism. She also can be quite rude when she talks about him, so it's hard to feel comfortable opening up about having the same disorder. Lately, because I've been wanting to get an official diagnosis, I've been trying to break the ice a bit and let her know what I'm struggling with, but it's been hard, and she's been really dismissive. I also find that since I've realized that I probably have autism, I'm finding it harder to mask and my authentic self is coming out. This feels good to me, but I know that she thinks it's weird and that I'm not trying hard enough to be normal anymore. Maybe I'm not -- I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I told her about how I felt during some social events we had this weekend, describing how the fact that it was loud caused me to have a meltdown later, and that I felt very uncomfortable trying to follow group conversations. She just sort of watched me, with a flat expression, and I felt really awkward, like maybe I was offending her, but I didn't see how. Then as soon as there was a pause, she jumped in and said "what makes you think everyone there didn't feel the same?" I sort of went quiet for a second, not sure how to respond to that. Because that wasn't the point I was making -- for one thing, I know for a fact that not everyone has a meltdown when there are too many sounds, and for another, I really don't care what everyone else is feeling at the moment, because I'm just trying to explain how I feel. Then she just said go on, so I just mumbled something about needing a day or two after events like that to recharge, and that I was learning to accept that or something. She didn't really say anything, just stared off into the distance for a while, and then completely changed the subject.

Am I just not understanding some social cue here? Or was that rude? What was I supposed to do in that situation? I wanted her to understand why I was so weird at the social event, because she always seems to think I'm mad at someone when really, I'm just experiencing a lot of feelings and don't know how to regulate them. But now I feel like I offended her somehow, and I don't know how to fix it. And I'm frustrated because if that's how she reacts to even the tiniest indication that I might be different, how will she react when I want to pursue a diagnosis? Do I just never tell her?

I'm sorry this is so long, and I'm sorry if it's not clear. I don't know what to do or feel. I just needed to feel heard, and I'm hoping that someone on here might understand.

Thank you in advance for reading.

 

[Magna]

Welcome. I'm in an autism support group and our facilitator mentioned there's one theory, perhaps controversial, by someone in the mental health research field who posits that ADHD and Autism Level 1 are the same thing.

There's a youtube channel of shorts from a woman who has ADHD and her NT husband. Apparently masking can be an ADHD thing too. I have friends who have ADHD and I vibe with them more or less the same as I do with my autistic friends.

 

[its_about_the_cones]

Welcome. I'm in an autism support group and our facilitator mentioned there's one theory, perhaps controversial, by someone in the mental health research field who posits that ADHD and Autism Level 1 are the same thing.

There's a youtube channel of shorts from a woman who has ADHD and her NT husband. Apparently masking can be an ADHD thing too. I have friends who have ADHD and I vibe with them more or less the same as I do with my autistic friends.

I've heard this theory. I do think it makes some sense -- there's definitely an overlap of symptoms from what I've seen. I've seen some of the shorts from the channel you mentioned, and it's definitely very relatable to me.

I sometimes describe ADHD to people who don't know much about it that it's a lot like autism, because people associate most of the overlapping symptoms with autism more than with ADHD -- things like masking, stimming, and sensory overload. I'm not sure if they are the same, but it should be something people (with bigger brains than me) should do more research into.

 

[Rodafina]

Welcome to the forum.

I hope we can be supportive to you and very accepting of how you have been feeling. It can be difficult for others to understand what autism feels like, and sometimes they bring their own insecurities and judgments to their understanding.

Even though you want relationships with your family and rely on your mother especially, it could be helpful for you to get the validation you are seeking from others here. I have a feeling people here will understand you and be able to say with honesty, “I have felt that way, too.”

Once you are more secure in your own feelings and have a better understanding of yourself, you can be less affected by people who cannot quite understand or try to insist that everybody feels this way. Regardless of if “everybody” feels this way or not, your experience is your own and it’s nice when people will simply listen to that and try to understand what it is like for you specifically… Not “everyone.”

Every single one of us, autistic or not are slightly different, and so your unique experience in the world is important and worthy of being heard without judgment.

 

[its_about_the_cones]

Welcome to the forum.

I hope we can be supportive to you and very accepting of how you have been feeling. It can be difficult for others to understand what autism feels like, and sometimes they bring their own insecurities and judgments to their understanding.

Even though you want relationships with your family and rely on your mother especially, it could be helpful for you to get the validation you are seeking from others here. I have a feeling people here will understand you and be able to say with honesty, “I have felt that way, too.”

Once you are more secure in your own feelings and have a better understanding of yourself, you can be less affected by people who cannot quite understand or try to insist that everybody feels this way. Regardless of if “everybody” feels this way or not, your experience is your own and it’s nice when people will simply listen to that and try to understand what it is like for you specifically… Not “everyone.”

Every single one of us, autistic or not are slightly different, and so your unique experience in the world is important and worthy of being heard without judgment.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I think you are right -- the biggest reason why it's so upsetting for me is that this is all new for me, so I don't feel very secure in my own feelings or understanding of myself.

I really appreciate hearing the experiences of those who I can relate to, and I'm going to take your advice and focus on that for now. Thank you for replying <3

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, so forgive me if I don't know exactly how this works. I just feel that I need to be heard about something. I was diagnosed with ADHD late last year, and I'm still figuring that out. For the past few months, however, I've begun to suspect I also have autism. I've been masking pretty heavily my whole life, though, so it's been a slow process to figure all of this out. I've done a lot of research on this and so far everything matches with my experiences, so I'm fairly certain. I have a tab open to book an appointment for an assessment, but it costs a lot of money so I haven't done it yet.

I want to post about the traits that I relate to and get some advice on diagnosis, but right now I have something else I want to get some help on. It's about my family and the way they react to any possibility that I could be autistic.

For the past four years, I've been trying to figure out my brain. I was diagnosed with depression, but that didn't quite fit, so I kept pushing and researching, and when I started learning about ADHD, I finally felt close to understanding myself. My mom was not supportive of my diagnosis, and it's been really hard because I depend on her a lot. I got the ADHD diagnosis on my own, paid for it myself despite being unemployed at the time, and though she knew about it and sort of "let me" go through with it, she always seemed to think that there wasn't a point to getting a diagnosis -- she would always say that there's no reason to "label myself". Even now, because I'm a little more open about my condition and how it affects me, she doesn't say anything specific, but she never asks any questions or listens with any empathy. Whenever I mention ADHD, she kind of shuts down and then finds a way to change the subject, or tell me that "everyone feels that way sometimes".

The autism is a bit more tricky, because I know for a fact that she has an idea of what autism is like, and it doesn't look like me. My brother-in-law has the most stereotypical autistic traits, and that seems to be the only way she sees autism. She also can be quite rude when she talks about him, so it's hard to feel comfortable opening up about having the same disorder. Lately, because I've been wanting to get an official diagnosis, I've been trying to break the ice a bit and let her know what I'm struggling with, but it's been hard, and she's been really dismissive. I also find that since I've realized that I probably have autism, I'm finding it harder to mask and my authentic self is coming out. This feels good to me, but I know that she thinks it's weird and that I'm not trying hard enough to be normal anymore. Maybe I'm not -- I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I told her about how I felt during some social events we had this weekend, describing how the fact that it was loud caused me to have a meltdown later, and that I felt very uncomfortable trying to follow group conversations. She just sort of watched me, with a flat expression, and I felt really awkward, like maybe I was offending her, but I didn't see how. Then as soon as there was a pause, she jumped in and said "what makes you think everyone there didn't feel the same?" I sort of went quiet for a second, not sure how to respond to that. Because that wasn't the point I was making -- for one thing, I know for a fact that not everyone has a meltdown when there are too many sounds, and for another, I really don't care what everyone else is feeling at the moment, because I'm just trying to explain how I feel. Then she just said go on, so I just mumbled something about needing a day or two after events like that to recharge, and that I was learning to accept that or something. She didn't really say anything, just stared off into the distance for a while, and then completely changed the subject.

Am I just not understanding some social cue here? Or was that rude? What was I supposed to do in that situation? I wanted her to understand why I was so weird at the social event, because she always seems to think I'm mad at someone when really, I'm just experiencing a lot of feelings and don't know how to regulate them. But now I feel like I offended her somehow, and I don't know how to fix it. And I'm frustrated because if that's how she reacts to even the tiniest indication that I might be different, how will she react when I want to pursue a diagnosis? Do I just never tell her?

I'm sorry this is so long, and I'm sorry if it's not clear. I don't know what to do or feel. I just needed to feel heard, and I'm hoping that someone on here might understand.

Thank you in advance for reading.

"Flat expression" "What makes you think everyone there didn't feel the same?"

Autism is genetic. The older generations were just told that they were being annoying and to shut up and stop being a burden.

Your mother is probably on the spectrum and doesn't realize it. There was no diagnosis back then. She learned stoicism.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

First of all, welcome.

Everyone's family has their own unique dynamics. Some families, like mine, for example, even after a well-done, comprehensive, professional diagnostic process, still rejected the whole idea of this thing called "autism". My parents and siblings rejected it. So, for this, and many other reasons, I don't associate with them anymore. My family, as best I could interpret, created a "moral diagnosis" of me based upon my behavior over the years, so when it came to the news of an official diagnosis, that threw a "monkey wrench" into their whole belief system about me. In their mind, I was distant, uncaring, unfriendly, unsocial, and didn't love them, and they would rather have that "stew" in their mind than have a real explanation. They were content to believe I was a bad person rather than not. So, $%^& them. I don't need that in my life. They apparently didn't need me in their lives either, so a win for the both of us.

One thing we all have to remember about people. People have to change their own minds. You can't do it for them. The more you push, the more they resist. Facts don't matter.

So, in today's world of people "identifying" as "whatever" and all the culture wars going on, someone with a "self diagnosis" opens themselves up to this sort of response from the people around them.

I see this sort of thing on the forums here, all too often. People seeking validation, and then getting upset that the people in their inner circle don't give it to them. I am thinking it is a fool's errand and a waste of mental energy fraught with disappointment. Sometimes, you must walk your path in life and ignore or reject the negative influences that surround you.

If you have an autistic condition, it is what it is. Learn about it. Learn about yourself. Move forward in life. Don't depend upon others. 99.99% of the people around you will not accept "autism" as an excuse for anything, so best just to keep it to yourself. Sounds harsh, but most people don't care about your "issues".

 

[All-Rounder]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, so forgive me if I don't know exactly how this works. I just feel that I need to be heard about something. I was diagnosed with ADHD late last year, and I'm still figuring that out. For the past few months, however, I've begun to suspect I also have autism. I've been masking pretty heavily my whole life, though, so it's been a slow process to figure all of this out. I've done a lot of research on this and so far everything matches with my experiences, so I'm fairly certain. I have a tab open to book an appointment for an assessment, but it costs a lot of money so I haven't done it yet.

I want to post about the traits that I relate to and get some advice on diagnosis, but right now I have something else I want to get some help on. It's about my family and the way they react to any possibility that I could be autistic.

For the past four years, I've been trying to figure out my brain. I was diagnosed with depression, but that didn't quite fit, so I kept pushing and researching, and when I started learning about ADHD, I finally felt close to understanding myself. My mom was not supportive of my diagnosis, and it's been really hard because I depend on her a lot. I got the ADHD diagnosis on my own, paid for it myself despite being unemployed at the time, and though she knew about it and sort of "let me" go through with it, she always seemed to think that there wasn't a point to getting a diagnosis -- she would always say that there's no reason to "label myself". Even now, because I'm a little more open about my condition and how it affects me, she doesn't say anything specific, but she never asks any questions or listens with any empathy. Whenever I mention ADHD, she kind of shuts down and then finds a way to change the subject, or tell me that "everyone feels that way sometimes".

The autism is a bit more tricky, because I know for a fact that she has an idea of what autism is like, and it doesn't look like me. My brother-in-law has the most stereotypical autistic traits, and that seems to be the only way she sees autism. She also can be quite rude when she talks about him, so it's hard to feel comfortable opening up about having the same disorder. Lately, because I've been wanting to get an official diagnosis, I've been trying to break the ice a bit and let her know what I'm struggling with, but it's been hard, and she's been really dismissive. I also find that since I've realized that I probably have autism, I'm finding it harder to mask and my authentic self is coming out. This feels good to me, but I know that she thinks it's weird and that I'm not trying hard enough to be normal anymore. Maybe I'm not -- I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I told her about how I felt during some social events we had this weekend, describing how the fact that it was loud caused me to have a meltdown later, and that I felt very uncomfortable trying to follow group conversations. She just sort of watched me, with a flat expression, and I felt really awkward, like maybe I was offending her, but I didn't see how. Then as soon as there was a pause, she jumped in and said "what makes you think everyone there didn't feel the same?" I sort of went quiet for a second, not sure how to respond to that. Because that wasn't the point I was making -- for one thing, I know for a fact that not everyone has a meltdown when there are too many sounds, and for another, I really don't care what everyone else is feeling at the moment, because I'm just trying to explain how I feel. Then she just said go on, so I just mumbled something about needing a day or two after events like that to recharge, and that I was learning to accept that or something. She didn't really say anything, just stared off into the distance for a while, and then completely changed the subject.

Am I just not understanding some social cue here? Or was that rude? What was I supposed to do in that situation? I wanted her to understand why I was so weird at the social event, because she always seems to think I'm mad at someone when really, I'm just experiencing a lot of feelings and don't know how to regulate them. But now I feel like I offended her somehow, and I don't know how to fix it. And I'm frustrated because if that's how she reacts to even the tiniest indication that I might be different, how will she react when I want to pursue a diagnosis? Do I just never tell her?

I'm sorry this is so long, and I'm sorry if it's not clear. I don't know what to do or feel. I just needed to feel heard, and I'm hoping that someone on here might understand.

Thank you in advance for reading.

You already tried. I don't think it's going to work the way you expect, you will have to accept how she is. She doesn't sound like a nice person to me if she's rude about your brother-in-law. What has he done to deserve it?

 

[Angular Chap]

Hello and welcome. Thank you for sharing this detailed post. I'm at a similar stage in my autism journey, and I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I hope I can offer you some solidarity.

I've been masking pretty heavily my whole life, though, so it's been a slow process to figure all of this out. I've done a lot of research on this and so far everything matches with my experiences, so I'm fairly certain.

I have also been masking for a lot of my life and it took me many years of research to start to figure everything out.

I am currently self diagnosed and I just saw a doctor who referred me for a diagnosis last month. I also came out to my close family.

It saddens me to hear that your mother doesn't give you the acceptance that you need and deserve. I was lucky enough to be (mostly) accepted right away. All it took was telling my family that I had made the appointment with my doctor. It was like a switch being flipped. Things suddenly went from invalidation to acceptance in an instant. I'm still working on full acceptance, I still have some of my stronger traits invalidated. I have been showing people official NHS information on autism to try to make the process easier.

I was diagnosed with depression, but that didn't quite fit

Early on in my journey, I looked into depression as well. I was never officially diagnosed and the descriptions didn't quite fit, even though people kept calling me "low" and "fed up" - code for depression. Couldn't say the forbidden D word!

"everyone feels that way sometimes".

"what makes you think everyone there didn't feel the same?" I sort of went quiet for a second, not sure how to respond to that. Because that wasn't the point I was making -- for one thing, I know for a fact that not everyone has a meltdown when there are too many sounds

Yes, I've heard some of those dismissive phrases before, usually "But everyone gets like that." All eerily close to the classic "Everyone's a little bit autistic!" (A comment thankfully officially debunked by the UK's NHS.) Like you say, I highly doubt everyone else experiences the same physical and mental fatigue, meltdowns, shutdowns and burnouts that those of us on the spectrum have to endure.

I also find that since I've realized that I probably have autism, I'm finding it harder to mask and my authentic self is coming out. This feels good to me, but I know that she thinks it's weird and that I'm not trying hard enough to be normal anymore. Maybe I'm not -- I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Yes, it's a delicate, sometimes impossible balance. Mask too much and get burnt out. Take the mask off too much and risk upsetting people and getting burnt out that way, while desperately trying to get people to listen and accept.

On the whole, I think you have done everything you possibly can to the best of your ability. I hope you can get the validation, solidarity and feeling of being listened to that you need and deserve on here. Wishing you all the best on your continuing journey.

 

[its_about_the_cones]

"Flat expression" "What makes you think everyone there didn't feel the same?"

Autism is genetic. The older generations were just told that they were being annoying and to shut up and stop being a burden.

Your mother is probably on the spectrum and doesn't realize it. There was no diagnosis back then. She learned stoicism.

It's definitely something I've thought about. I think you're right, in that she is not ready to accept that about herself because it wasn't something that was talked about for her generation. My dad very clearly has ADHD but doesn't want to seek diagnosis for the same reason, so I figured I mostly got my autism/ADHD from him, but it's certainly possible that it's a combination of both my parents.

 

[its_about_the_cones]

First of all, welcome.

Everyone's family has their own unique dynamics. Some families, like mine, for example, even after a well-done, comprehensive, professional diagnostic process, still rejected the whole idea of this thing called "autism". My parents and siblings rejected it. So, for this, and many other reasons, I don't associate with them anymore. My family, as best I could interpret, created a "moral diagnosis" of me based upon my behavior over the years, so when it came to the news of an official diagnosis, that threw a "monkey wrench" into their whole belief system about me. In their mind, I was distant, uncaring, unfriendly, unsocial, and didn't love them, and they would rather have that "stew" in their mind than have a real explanation. They were content to believe I was a bad person rather than not. So, $%^& them. I don't need that in my life. They apparently didn't need me in their lives either, so a win for the both of us.

One thing we all have to remember about people. People have to change their own minds. You can't do it for them. The more you push, the more they resist. Facts don't matter.

So, in today's world of people "identifying" as "whatever" and all the culture wars going on, someone with a "self diagnosis" opens themselves up to this sort of response from the people around them.

I see this sort of thing on the forums here, all too often. People seeking validation, and then getting upset that the people in their inner circle don't give it to them. I am thinking it is a fool's errand and a waste of mental energy fraught with disappointment. Sometimes, you must walk your path in life and ignore or reject the negative influences that surround you.

If you have an autistic condition, it is what it is. Learn about it. Learn about yourself. Move forward in life. Don't depend upon others. 99.99% of the people around you will not accept "autism" as an excuse for anything, so best just to keep it to yourself. Sounds harsh, but most people don't care about your "issues".

Thank you for replying and sharing your experiences. I'm sorry that your family has not been supportive. I guess I was just hoping I could change her mind, but you're right -- I can't do that for her. I'm going to leave it for now, and hopefully things will get easier. I do have a friend who's husband is on the spectrum, and she's been incredibly supportive, so for now I'm going to keep learning about the condition and stick to those who make me feel safe.

I appreciate the support and kindness of everyone here. It's nice to feel welcomed

 

[its_about_the_cones]

You already tried. I don't think it's going to work the way you expect, you will have to accept how she is. She doesn't sound like a nice person to me if she's rude about your brother-in-law. What has he done to deserve it?

She can be really kind, and we do get along pretty well most of the time. She just doesn't have a good understanding of autism/ADHD or other issues like this, and it's hard because she's not very open to learning right now. I always hope that this will change, and I thought maybe I could be that change -- but like you and others have said, I can't change her mind and I need to be able to accept that. I hope that things will get better, but in the meantime, I can take the good and learn to seek out support elsewhere.

Thank you for your supportive reply

 

[its_about_the_cones]

Hello and welcome. Thank you for sharing this detailed post. I'm at a similar stage in my autism journey, and I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I hope I can offer you some solidarity.


I have also been masking for a lot of my life and it took me many years of research to start to figure everything out.

I am currently self diagnosed and I just saw a doctor who referred me for a diagnosis last month. I also came out to my close family.

It saddens me to hear that your mother doesn't give you the acceptance that you need and deserve. I was lucky enough to be (mostly) accepted right away. All it took was telling my family that I had made the appointment with my doctor. It was like a switch being flipped. Things suddenly went from invalidation to acceptance in an instant. I'm still working on full acceptance, I still have some of my stronger traits invalidated. I have been showing people official NHS information on autism to try to make the process easier.


Early on in my journey, I looked into depression as well. I was never officially diagnosed and the descriptions didn't quite fit, even though people kept calling me "low" and "fed up" - code for depression. Couldn't say the forbidden D word!



Yes, I've heard some of those dismissive phrases before, usually "But everyone gets like that." All eerily close to the classic "Everyone's a little bit autistic!" (A comment thankfully officially debunked by the UK's NHS.) Like you say, I highly doubt everyone else experiences the same physical and mental fatigue, meltdowns, shutdowns and burnouts that those of us on the spectrum have to endure.


Yes, it's a delicate, sometimes impossible balance. Mask too much and get burnt out. Take the mask off too much and risk upsetting people and getting burnt out that way, while desperately trying to get people to listen and accept.

On the whole, I think you have done everything you possibly can to the best of your ability. I hope you can get the validation, solidarity and feeling of being listened to that you need and deserve on here. Wishing you all the best on your continuing journey.

Thank you so much for your kind response and for sharing your experience with me. It's really nice to feel that I'm understood.

I especially appreciate you saying that I have done everything I can -- I do feel better having shared my experience and gotten some support here, even if I don't get it from my family. I do have a really close friend whose husband is on the spectrum (she also might be), and she's really supportive and encouraging. I'm very blessed to have her in my life. I'm going to focus on learning about my condition and getting support from her and from people who understand, such as the lovely folks on this platform, and hopefully my family will respond someday.

Thank you again -- your response made me feel better

 

[AO1501]

It's definitely something I've thought about. I think you're right, in that she is not ready to accept that about herself because it wasn't something that was talked about for her generation. My dad very clearly has ADHD but doesn't want to seek diagnosis for the same reason, so I figured I mostly got my autism/ADHD from him, but it's certainly possible that it's a combination of both my parents.

It's funny, because I am of the generation where autism was simply not a thing, certainly not to be talked about, and so growing up I was merely the 'troublesome kid', the son who was difficult and couldn't be trusted to do what he was told.

I didn't get my diagnosis until almost 60, and then it all made a lot more sense. I tended to assume the genetic line for me was through my father - a man I didn't really know, but with whom I clicked distinct ly for a few years in my late teens. But it turns out, my mother was almost certainly on the spectrum instead. She masked a lot, and was my most fearsome critic, which at last helps me make more sense of her.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome @its_about_the_cones.

If we knew which country you are in, someone might be able to recommend more accessible resources.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

welcome! i'm self-diagnosed as well (with the help of a psychologist) and while my mother and sister are supportive, i haven't told my dad because he generally has the same attitude about labels and whatnot. i'm not planning on telling him directly, but if things come up naturally, my mom has suggested to frame it as a personal thing without talking about autism (for exmaple, "i'm just feeling exhausted and need to go spend some time in my room" if a dinner is going longer than I had expected, rather than "it's the autism")

while it is disappointing that i don't feel comfortable being open with my dad about this, i'm glad to have people in my life who i can talk about it with, including those here on the forum. I hope you can find some people here and in real life who you can speak with about your life! good luck, and stay strong!

 

[its_about_the_cones]

Hello & welcome @its_about_the_cones.

If we knew which country you are in, someone might be able to recommend more accessible resources.

I'm in Canada -- technically I could get a diagnosis covered by my insurance, but that requires having a GP to refer me, and I've been on the waitlist for one for almost four years now, so that's probably not going to pan out. Any resources anyone can suggest would be helpful!

 

[its_about_the_cones]

welcome! i'm self-diagnosed as well (with the help of a psychologist) and while my mother and sister are supportive, i haven't told my dad because he generally has the same attitude about labels and whatnot. i'm not planning on telling him directly, but if things come up naturally, my mom has suggested to frame it as a personal thing without talking about autism (for exmaple, "i'm just feeling exhausted and need to go spend some time in my room" if a dinner is going longer than I had expected, rather than "it's the autism")

while it is disappointing that i don't feel comfortable being open with my dad about this, i'm glad to have people in my life who i can talk about it with, including those here on the forum. I hope you can find some people here and in real life who you can speak with about your life! good luck, and stay strong!

My mum does the same thing, reframing the issue as being personal. This would be fine, except in her case it tends to turn it into a personal flaw -- like, if I really tried, I could push through and do the thing, instead of understanding that while that might be true in some cases, it's not in all cases, and even when it is, it means pushing myself to the point of meltdown or shutdown.

I'm really glad you have a supportive mum and sister though! Thank you for the support and kind words

 

[its_about_the_cones]

It's funny, because I am of the generation where autism was simply not a thing, certainly not to be talked about, and so growing up I was merely the 'troublesome kid', the son who was difficult and couldn't be trusted to do what he was told.

I didn't get my diagnosis until almost 60, and then it all made a lot more sense. I tended to assume the genetic line for me was through my father - a man I didn't really know, but with whom I clicked distinct ly for a few years in my late teens. But it turns out, my mother was almost certainly on the spectrum instead. She masked a lot, and was my most fearsome critic, which at last helps me make more sense of her.

I'm glad that you were able to get a diagnosis and understand yourself more -- it's really interesting to me to learn about the experiences of those who were diagnosed later in life. It sounds like both my parents are likely on the spectrum as well, just not able to admit it yet, but at least knowing this possibility does help with understanding them better like you said.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

It's definitely something I've thought about. I think you're right, in that she is not ready to accept that about herself because it wasn't something that was talked about for her generation. My dad very clearly has ADHD but doesn't want to seek diagnosis for the same reason, so I figured I mostly got my autism/ADHD from him, but it's certainly possible that it's a combination of both my parents.

Well, I wouldn't even bring it up with them, if it was me. Just let them live their happy old people lives. They have enough going on, to have a diagnosis thrown into the works. They have developed masking and coping mechanisms ingrained into their personalities in order to navigate the difficulties of the neurotypical world. It's what everyone had to do before, I think, about five or ten years ago. And we still do.

So just love them, forgive them, just smile with understanding when a big outburst or quiet spell happens. They're just trying to survive, same as us all.