Self confidence, what do people mean by that in the context of dating?

[Loren]

I don't know if the following could play a part, but, I have noticed how prominent humility seems to be, within us/AS/ASD, and, in terms of myself, I have noticed that it, generally, doesn't even cross my mind that a person might like me or find me of interest, or attractive in some way, and I think this, likely, results from being humble, respectively. I could be wrong, but, it is something I've pondered, that makes sense to me, and, I think could be the case for most of us, and humility is quite different than lacking self-confidence. Just a thought.

 

[Iris Rose]

I am this way too. At times when you doubt yourself, know that you are not alone...

For years, on occasion people have told me that I require more self confidence when dating. I've always thought that this was rather silly as I think I have much more self confidence than most people. I may have figured out what is going on here, so I'd like to share that if it's useful and get some feedback since I may be way off base here, SNAFU.

I am in some respects socially blind. I suspect that most people don't understand that I'm blind in any way. I suspect that when I'm told that I need more self confidence the person telling me this assumes that I see evidence that the person I'm dating likes me well enough, but I have feelings of doubt in spite of this because I believe that the other person will not like me once they get to know me. What is in fact happening is I have no idea of whether the other person likes me or if my current actions are making her like me more or less. I'm going to like myself regardless and believe that she ought to like me if she got to know me, but I have no faith in the communication system I am forced to rely on (I had put 'use', but that's not right. Hell, neither is 'rely on'. You know what I mean (I hope)).

I might usefully compare myself to a person who is fully blind, cannot see anything at all and might well normally walk with a cane and/or a seeing eye dog. Such a person might be very confident in their ability to walk without cane or dog over a smooth and consistent surface. Pointed in what he is told is the right direction he may walk for some time in that direction with confidence given trust in the person who oriented him and told him to go. After days of walking in the same direction without further instruction (the person giving direction doesn't know that he is blind) it would become increasingly difficult to be confident that there are no cliffs to fall from. It is nothing to do with his confidence in his ability to walk.

It is difficult to avoid worrying when I have gone for days without feedback that I am capable of interpreting reliably. I would guess that some form of reassuring information is assumed to be there for me and would be available to the majority, to a person in my place who was not socially blind.

NTs can be lazy when it comes to phrasing things correctly, and I would not be surprised if 'confidence in what the other person is thinking and feeling about you and your actions and words' were changed to 'self confidence' and everyone is expected to interpret this as intended. Again, I am rather socially blind so I'm not sure, but it seems a workable hypothesis. What do you think?

 

[Shamar]

From what I gather reading these posts, there is self confidence, and there is self confidence; and they seem to be mutually exclusive and vary according to the skills and knowledge of the individual under discussion. Not much of a definition. In the subject area of dating, from my observations those who have high self confidence are also highly skilled socially. How they they acquired those skills is irrelevant, the fact of the matter is that they have them. It seems to me these skills are what gives them the outward self confidence they exhibit. I acknowledge the possibility that inwardly they may be a nervous wreck, it is the appearance presented to the world that counts.

On the opposite hand, I don't see how a person without social skills can have even the appearance of self confidence. Trying to fake social skills without actually having them usually leads to disaster, or at least looking like an idiot (been there, done that, gave it up a long time ago). So, how are social skills, and thus confidence, to be acquired? For most people, much seems to be innate , and the rest acquired through social experience. Those of us who were born without the innate skills and were unable to learn them due to social ostracism occupy the headwaters of a foul tributary without means of locomotion.

MrSpock, about those comments that you do not write clearly. I have the same problem. As Aspies, we need to say exactly what we mean, using the exact word that conveys the message precisely without interpretation or nuance. Sometimes this leads to excessive verbosity and produces the opposite effect. For what its worth, when I read your posts, they come out in my head in Leonard Nimoy's voice. I hope I didn't offend you.

 

[MrSpock]

say exactly what we mean, using the exact word that conveys the message precisely without interpretation or nuance.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I do understand that sometimes I might say something close that's shorter, and often close is good enough. At the beginning of such a complex topic with many different viewpoints coming together it seems to me that clear definitions at the start prevent much confusion later on. Does not eliminate it.

If in fact I'm creating more confusion, that's bad. Good to know, will do this less often.

You did not offend me at all. LLAP.