Seeking advice on dating an Aspie guy

[NTneedsadvice]

Hi - I work with a lovely Aspie guy who has a demanding job. He often blushes when I talk to him, stares at me a lot and listens in on my conversations with others. I asked for his help with my resume and he offered to be my referee for an external job and apparently gave me an amazing reference. Given I am leaving soon I wanted to take him for a thank you coffee. He cancelled due to illness and when he’s cancelled other 1-1 meetings he gives me a good reason. I won’t see him again so I texted him saying please can confirm receipt of text 1 which he did straight away. Text 2 I said I like you, will you come for a walk on the beach with a specific time and date in two weeks . He’s not answered. Do I leave it? Send a follow up text in ten days, or have I scared him too much. Any advice gratefully received

 

[thejuice]

when a girl has liked me I've gone on radio silence due to overthinking and freezing or being embarrassed at something I said or did. Perhaps a touch of fear of failure or an inability of grasping what I truly want in the moment. Then I thought I left it too long to reply and if I see them I'm overcome with anxiety. Maybe he has had a bad experience and is gun shy. Maybe he thinks he's not good enough or a feeling of being out of his depth, not knowing the protocols and worried about looking foolish.

So maybe one follow up in 10 days is the right answer, I like that. Shows your interest but not pushy. At the very worst it will bring closure. Aspie guys can sometimes be very passive to the point of being horizontal, so you might have to take the lead here.

Ps youve probably already read about it, but those physical tells are signs he definitely likes you. Can confirm.

 

[NTneedsadvice]

Thank you so much. Yes I’d clicked he finds me attractive.

 

[Captain Caveman]

Why not suggest to start off as friends? Is less of a big step in his mind.

I am actually like that as I have only really ever had two girlfriends due to autism.

The first issues are faceblindness when I went to go on a date when in collage at age 16, and I did not know until the next day that I had been standing a few feet away from her waiting at the college gates for her and I did not realize it was her. After half an hour of waiting I suddenly realized that there were five sets of gates around the college, so in a rush, I jumped on my bicycle to check the others. When I rushed back to the main gates I saw the lady walk down the hill. I did not realize it was her!
I waited another fifteen minutes and assumed that she wasn't going to turn up so I went home.
The next day her friend told me off in a really nasty way in how I had upset her feelings. The rest of the two years in college they avoided me and not wanting to be theperson to upset them, I hid away and avoided them.
But I was so upset that I refused to date anyone else until I was 36 and this lady who I worked with convinced me it would be ok for me to date her and she said she would approach me so I would not mess it up!
I dated her for around six months and was going to marry her but she suddenly ended it with no warning or explination. Just cut off all contact and her whole family refused to speak to me. I became suicidal blaming myself and Divine intervention saved me on more than one occasion... (Turns out she had been dating others the same time).

Anyway... I could not date for ages after that! I tried about three ladies just for an hours walk on tbe beach one occasion at a time (As I very bravely kinda learned how to ask out somehow? Not sure how as I have not remembered how I did it), but I didn't have the heart to go on a second date with any of them after that walk on the beach as the shock and happenings of the first GF were on my mind... And this was at least a year or two later... I think at the time I wanted to prove to myself I could ask ladies out?
But I had also been hurt by asking ladies out in the past and I was very polite, but was met by the cruelest of answers that not even the vilest of men would have said and I am not even joking!
So that was thre point when I stopped asking women out after having asked around 20 out in my lifetime.

Fast forward a decade after the last date so I was well into my mid 40's (Around six years ago?. Maybe seven?) and I found myself dating a lovely exceptionally kind hearted lady who was on the spectrum as was her son. Again, she asked me out, but it was done online. It was mostly via the phone or via online though she came down from Yorkshire on her holidays twice a year. It eventually ended when I hesitated, as she was forever asking "Do you love me" and I once while on the phone hesitated for a brief second and that was that! (Though I had been praying that if she was not the "Right one" that the Lord would do something to separate us... I really loved her but somehow could not work out if I loved her as a close friend or more? It was harder with her as she was "Non-touch" so I think I only kissed and cuddled her once or twice the entire time we had dated which was spread over a year and a half? (99.6% distance dating).

Anyway! Since around six to seven years ago when that ended, as I really found it hard to not have feelings for her, I felt I actually found her a man that I knew was a nice gentleman as we talked many times online. I heard that they got married. I was so happy for them!
But I had been texting her after it was over as I was so used to chatting to her, and she wanted me to stop texting so I deleted all contact details I had outnof respect for her (She had already dissapeared from the sites I was on), and I have not heard from her since other than she once visited the area where I lived with her husband via a mutual friend from Ireland who is in touch with them who had arranged it. I could hardly speak to her, but I was really happy and glad she was ok and that all turned out well for them.

But since then, other than one lovely lady who we are grreat online friends (Not the same one as above) but this lady has dissapeared and this lady is married so it is a no go there... (Even though her and her husband live separate lives)... But this lady also gets long term periods where she pushes everyone away... So I have not heard from her for ages. (A few years ago, I once met her when she had to travel down to the area where I lived as she was helping autistic children and families) She had a day off from that so I met her to show her the area, as I make a good tour guide...
Well, faceblindness struck again! Saw her approaching the car up off the beach, so I said "Good morning" etc, and opened the car door for her etc. She had a foreign accent (I had once spoken to her on the phone and she had a foreign accent) but somehow the acdent sounded from America which seemed the wrong country?
With that I saw this guy with adog walking up the beach looking concerned as this confused looking lady started getting into my car!
Puzzled, I saw another lady walking towards the car from the other side of the carpark towards me, and I suddenly realized I had got the wrong one! I apologized to this now relieved looking lady in my car that there had been a mix up, and the lady who I was meant to have in the car realized what had happened ans was laughing! (It was funny thinking of it!)
Then because the nurves hit as I drove, I had intended to impress her by driving down all the local little maze of lanes as I knew a shortcut, but I met cars going the other way so had to reverse back about half a mile, and with the nurves, when I went to go forward again as I had to work out which direction the other car wanted to go so I didnt reverse in th direction they wanted to go at the crossroads where they could pass, so when I went forwards and selected what I assumed to be the right way, I followed the narrow lane and ended up near in the villag with the beach car park we had started off at where she was much amused!
Not wanting to risk further embarissment, I drove the long way round to the first place I wanted to show her using the main roads instead of the shortcut!
The rest of the day was uneventful and I drove from place to place until it got dark (Was winter), and I eventually took her back, as she had quite a cold so could not feel the cold winter (It was freezing that day) so did not want to wear a warm coat... So I was concerned), so took her back to the warm place she was staying at, and drove home.


Anyway! What I am saying is regarding dating, is that many a lady I have not got her flirting hints and others only tell me later when I ask why was that lady acting weird!
But the ones who are forward and ask, I ended up so shocked that they would want to date me, that I said "No" when I really meant to say "Yes" because I was overwealmed and did not know how to handle the situation!
I hope this helps? (I am not saying it is the case with your friend, but for me it has happened).

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This sort of reminds me of an old joke about engineers. Keep in mind, there are about 8 engineers in my family, on both sides, and my 2 sons are engineers. Anyway:

Q. How can you tell if an engineer is outgoing?
A. He will look at your shoes instead of his own!

At any rate, I am more in agreement with @thejuice on this one.

To put things into some perspective, personalities can vary quite a bit within the "Aspie" community, but the common thing is difficulties with socialization and communication. Things that seem obvious to someone else might not be for us. It is also not uncommon to have had a long history of disappointments, people taking advantage of us, mental abuse, PTSD, etc. from people that were close to us, not to mention the strangers that can simply be toxic and mean towards us. That said, trust is earned and there may be some degree of anxiety and apprehension when it comes to beginning a new relationship.

You may like him. He may like you. However, there can be some "baggage" to overcome. He needs to feel safe.

 

[Hypnalis]

@NTneedsadvice

Many (perhaps most) Aspies avoid stress or situations they (we) find difficult, including M/F interactions where there's any uncertainty.

You'll be familiar with:
1. NT guys who've desensitized themselves to rejection (and occasional rudeness), and make the best of a somewhat unfair situation
2. NT women who, as young adults, discover how unpleasant the process of initially learning to be rejected is. OFC they'll eventually go through the same learning process as young guys did. Most people get used to it.

Aspies often get a feeling akin to "polite rejection after a polite approach" from interacting with NTs in general, starting quite early in life, long before dating is an interest. And unlike M/F & F/M rejections, it's in situations that are not part of a well-known, well-understood social protocol.
So avoidance makes sense for us. Even for Aspies that are attractive, and get "hit on" occasionally.

Something like this may well be connected to the way you've been communicating since your first text. He may not start to chase until well into your relationship, if ever.

That slightly optimistic close is deliberate though. My suggestion is to keep going, but maintain a very light touch.
FYI, In the past (I've aged out of dating) I might have avoided an informal "walk on the beach" date if it felt just a bit too intense.
Not NT-standard behavior? Indeed - we do some things differently

If you don't get a text soon, wait half-way from now to the date of the suggested beach walk, then check in.

FWIW if it was me in your shoes, I'd reframe this as "I don't want to lose touch", and look for someplace fairly close (so a nearby beach with a cafe is good, but one far away not so much). First coffee, then suggest a (pre-planned by you) follow-up that doesn't take too long, and has an obvious completion point and an easy exit if he wants it.

Next step can be negotiated directly if the first one works well, but maintain the light touch. We're not all that different, but in this case you can't trust your "standard hooks" whatever they are: interaction techniques tuned for NT guys could easily miss the mark.

OTOH we prefer direct, concise, unambiguous communication. You can "get away with" a lot more if it's strictly accurate (also not NT behavior

NB: with a soft approach you can end with some version of "contact me anytime", so from now on in I suggest assume that kind of a close might be the best you can get in the short term.

BTW this is how "courting" used to work for guys /lol. You're "hunting" skittish prey in difficult terrain.

GL!


Final note:
This was written in a world that doesn't like to exchange facts about how NT-NT M/F interactions actually work.
I know the moves, and I could be more direct, but I won't.
Like many Aspies, I don't do "pretending something is/isn't true while knowing it's not accurate". In my case, if that's required I disengage (potentially IRL ghosting instantly if necessary
(I know I suggested a re-spin above - we think a little differently to NTs, but that doesn't guarantee 100% consistency /lol.)


OTOH I have the life-experience to write what I did, and if you're wondering if there's something "between the lines", it's possible.

 

[Tom]

I think you have made your feelings and desire for a meet up clearly known to him. Nothing wrong with that and it would be clear enough for people on the spectrum. But he doesn't wish to pursue it for some reason. We don't know the reason but at this point any more contact would likely be overkill and perhaps make him feel uncomfortable. So having put the clear invite out there, its up to him to accept or not. Its a bit like the old adage you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Unless you are Chuck Norris of course.

 

[Shamar]

Hi - I work with a lovely Aspie guy who has a demanding job. He often blushes when I talk to him, stares at me a lot and listens in on my conversations with others. I asked for his help with my resume and he offered to be my referee for an external job and apparently gave me an amazing reference. Given I am leaving soon I wanted to take him for a thank you coffee. He cancelled due to illness and when he’s cancelled other 1-1 meetings he gives me a good reason. I won’t see him again so I texted him saying please can confirm receipt of text 1 which he did straight away. Text 2 I said I like you, will you come for a walk on the beach with a specific time and date in two weeks . He’s not answered. Do I leave it? Send a follow up text in ten days, or have I scared him too much. Any advice gratefully received

What you are dealing with is fear. Not just common, ordinary, everyday fear (like coming face to face with a king cobra or a bear), but a deep, primal, conflicting fear. Many, if not most, of us have social difficulties. A few (I speak from personal experience) are socially non functional. The conflict comes from the fact that he DOES want to socialize with you. That fear is like a fortress wall in between. He wants to get out, but can't, and he doesn't know how to let you in. He does this to protect himself. Protect from what, he likely doesn't know, probably just "the outside." You told him you liked him. That was a trigger. You induced emotions in him that he does not know how to deal with, and he is overwhelmed. He has likely never before been told that a girl likes him that he likes back. And he will have a very hard time telling you that he likes you in return.

Your best bet is to ask him about things he might be interested in, and let him explain, and nothing personal. If he is like me, he will be much more comfortable explaining things. He will probably be naive. One time I was totally unaware that a girl was coming on to me until she sat on my lap and tried to suck my teeth out. Another one I had dated several times told me she needed a hug (turned out she wanted a lot more than a hug). Just Take It Slow, it will be worth it in the end. Don't judge him from his words (they can come out garbled and not be what he meant to say), but by his actions and reactions. As the Pointer Sisters said "I had to do some breaking through" and "I had to move him carefully."

As I said, this is very personal advice from my own being and experience. I could be totally wrong. I do this not so much to help you, but to help him. I was there once (and to a great extent, still am).

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

 

[Aspychata]

Can't read any of this, men on the spectrum are the most exasperating men in the universe, but they can also be the most interesting, lovely inquisitive people willing to let you in their real estate, (their gray matter).

 

[FayetheAspie]

It's definitely confusing when you have ASD. It can be just as confusing for those of us who are female. Most neurotypical guys that I have been around seem very intimidating to me. It's hard to even know what half of what they say even means. You just get the drift that they are flirting and that the words are vulgar. It's very uncomfortable to be around them so you just try to avoid them. If asked out directly in a way you actually understand a curt "no" and or an involuntary cartoonishly horrified face often accompanied by involuntary nervous giggling while putting more distance between is the default reaction. Simultaneously almost all "crushes" have obvious neurodivergent traits themselves and so neither is likely to approach the other. The one and only time that one such long term crush finally got the courage up to nervously ask for my phone number I automatically said "no" almost like a trained reflex even though I was actually so excited because it was like a dream come true. After initially snapping "no" at the poor guy I immediately realized my mistake and assured him (with the cheshire grin that I automatically get when excited) that I was glad to have gotten to speak with him. He must have thought that I was completely insane. Obviously I blew that.

 

[FayetheAspie]

It's definitely confusing when you have ASD. It can be just as confusing for those of us who are female. Most neurotypical guys that I have been around seem very intimidating to me. It's hard to even know what half of what they say even means. You just get the drift that they are flirting and that the words are vulgar. It's very uncomfortable to be around them so you just try to avoid them. If asked out directly in a way you actually understand a curt "no" and or an involuntary cartoonishly horrified face often accompanied by involuntary nervous giggling while putting more distance between is the default reaction. Simultaneously almost all "crushes" have obvious neurodivergent traits themselves and so neither is likely to approach the other. The one and only time that one such long term crush finally got the courage up to nervously ask for my phone number I automatically said "no" almost like a trained reflex even though I was actually so excited because it was like a dream come true. After initially snapping "no" at the poor guy I immediately realized my mistake and assured him (with the cheshire grin that I automatically get when excited) that I was glad to have gotten to speak with him. He must have thought that I was completely insane. Obviously I blew that.

I was about 28 and we had kinda liked each other for a couple of years at that point but had never actually spoken as far as I recall. I did see him 3 or 4 times after that brief conversation but had no idea how to remedy the situation and still wouldn't even if I ever did see him again and would probably end up responding in an equally stupid manner and ruin any chances if there was ever anyone else too. I think I'll be single my whole life.

 

[FayetheAspie]

@Aspychata What do you mean by "can't read any of this?"

 

[thejuice]

With all the ambivilance in his behaviour id say it's worth taking one more shot. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take and you won't see him again anyway so no awkward interactions if you go down in flames!