"Scared of having autism" Update

[Burneraccountforventing]

Here's the link to my last thread earlier this year for context (or just check my account): scared of having autism

(tl:dr in case you don't want to read that thread: I'm a 22 year old male that didn't even think of the possibility of being autistic until January this year. I was terrified of all the implications of it since I felt many autistic traits fit me. I was extremely worried about talking to friends and family about it because of my not great support structure.)

Earlier this year I posted a long rant about being scared of having some degree of autism. Since then I've gone downhill in some ways and uphill in some, but mostly down. That thread was posted in late January, and due to just how consumed I was with tons of emotions I ended up quitting my job in April.

I have talked to my parents about it and no one else. They're separated and I'm living with my mom currently. My dad has had extreme ADHD his entire life and has been very open about it, and ever since my parents separated 6ish years ago he's fallen into a hole that he hasn't been able to get out of. Whenever I try talking to him about my struggles, it always turns into him growing anxious himself and having to stop talking about it because he's afraid he doesn't know how to help.

Talking to my mom about it doesn't help either. To put it plainly she's a narcissist, and really has gotten used to complaining about anything and everything my whole life. Whenever I bring up my worries about not being able to work some places, or even just the fact that I MAY have autism in the first place. She immediately starts saying something along the lines of: "Oh come on, no you don't. I work with people that act like children, if they can work then you can too." It's also a strange position to be in because while living with her, if I don't bring any topic up like that, she leaves me COMPLETELY alone. So I don't feel an outward pressure to do much with myself, or any encouragement for basically anything.

I don't know what's happened to me mentally since quitting my job, if it's just general depression or what. But I have felt so burned out trying to do anything at all. For the past few months I've spent 80% of my day laying in bed on my phone. I'll go out with friends once every few weeks, but that just feels draining afterwards. I haven't even finished building my PC after buying most of the parts last NOVEMBER! Despite the fact that it's something I really want to do still and have wanted to do whenever it's crossed my mind.

I've ignored texts from old friends trying to catch up, and only really stayed in contact with a group of 5 or so in a group chat. Besides the usual get together every few weeks, the only times I can consistently do anything is when I'm put under a time crunch, or if someone else needs me for something.

Last month ago an old friend I haven't talked to in years started posting some suicidal stuff on Twitter, so I immediately messaged him and we got together the next day. I got him in contact with some other old friends and he's been doing better, then I IMMEDIATELY stopped much contact with him and didn't go out again for a while. Not because I didn't want to socialize, but I just felt like I couldn't.

The only positive thing that's really happened to me in the last few months is I've started to lose weight. But lately that's started to slow down because I'm losing motivation for it and falling into bad habits again.

My sleep schedule is completely gone, it's almost 5am and I've been up all night. I don't really know what the point of ranting about all this is. I'm not suicidal, the thought has never seriously crossed my mind in any way. I just feel lost, with no real in sight to get out of the funk I'm in.

I feel like a lot of it is stemming from some autistic traits, or at least my realization of the fact that I have it. I still am not comfortable with that fact, but I'm not gonna try to deny it. But with no one really to talk to about it comfortably, I'm not sure how to get past my feelings about it.

If anyone has any advice or questions or something, I'll listen and try to answer.

 

[Rodafina]

If anyone has any advice or questions or something, I'll listen and try to answer.

It sounds like you have been doing a lot of processing, but with limited resources and through difficult circumstances.

I noticed that the other post that you alluded to looks like the last time that you wrote something here on the forum. I wonder if it could be more helpful to you to have a sort of slow release of your thoughts and feelings rather than a significant vent after a long buildup.

Maybe you could check out more of the threads here and participate a bit more on the different topics that people have posted here. It can be helpful to see where we relate to others and it can even be helpful to try to offer a perspective that might be of assistance to somebody else.

There’s also other ways to engage such as with the games or posting photos. Any sort of outlet for your thoughts, feelings, and confusion at this time could be helpful to you.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Burneraccountforventing

It's extremely unlikely you'll find an NT who can help you figure out a path for self-improvement. Including in the medical profession.
It's quite unlikely you'll find anyone you can talk with about it. NT's tend to think we're a subset of "introvert", which isn't harmful, but nor is it useful.

On the plus side HDA's/Aspies can take care of themselves if they're prepared to make the effort, so there's definitely a path forward.
OTOH everyone's path seems to be unique, so you need to manage your own way forward.

Start now.

I can make a few suggestions on how to get started, but they will be about organizing your life yourself.
Which makes sense, given that nobody else will do it for you. But it's not a popular perspective /sigh.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I was annoyed with my wife frequently telling me I was on the spectrum, as well as telling others. I decided to find out just to put that to rest. I knew if I was autistic, it had to be a borderline thing, because I was clearly high functioning. I found I was solidly autistic, which I had hard time accepting until I began studying Autism and Asperger's. It was like I was reading my own biography. I thought heck, if this is what it means to be autistic, then by golly yes I am.

Bottom line, finding out you are autistic doesn't suddenly make you less in any way. If anything, you get a better idea how to use your strengths and avoid or improve your weaknesses. You may find out you aren't autistic, but still learn more about yourself.

Don't be afraid.

 

[Angular Chap]

You sound similar to me when I was 22, I hope I can offer you some solidarity, @Burneraccountforventing

I don't know what's happened to me mentally since quitting my job, if it's just general depression or what. But I have felt so burned out trying to do anything at all.

You said it best yourself. Burned out. It sounds like you may be suffering from autistic burnout. I also went through a burnout, but I didn't know what it was at the time. I looked into depression, but that didn't quite fit. All the anxiety, stress and adrenaline associated with working may be starting to fade now that you have quit your job and maybe you are now noticing and feeling the come down and after effects.

My sleep schedule is completely gone, it's almost 5am and I've been up all night.

There MAY be an upside to this. Now that you are not being forced into following a work schedule, you can adjust to a sleep schedule that better suits you. If you feel it is unhealthy, then yes, you may need to take steps to fix things, but if you are a night owl like me, you may find yourself having more energy by following your own schedule. I started to adjust and build my own routine.

For the past few months I've spent 80% of my day laying in bed on my phone.

Have you discovered your special interest(s) yet? I spent 80% of my time reading and watching videos about my special interests.

It takes time to get over a burnout, find your way and start your journey to finding answers about yourself. It took me years, but I had no idea what autism or burnouts were back then. At the end of it all, I put it all together, sunk myself into my special interests and managed to get my own income from it (self-employed tech support.)

I feel like a lot of it is stemming from some autistic traits, or at least my realization of the fact that I have it. I still am not comfortable with that fact, but I'm not gonna try to deny it. But with no one really to talk to about it comfortably, I'm not sure how to get past my feelings about it.

You have already taken a great few first steps by joining and posting here. By slowing researching autism at a pace you feel comfortable with, hopefully you can start to work on your feelings about it and find answers about yourself, autistic or not.

Time is the key word. Take it slow, baby steps. Patience. Look after yourself as best you can. Work on yourself. Work on accepting yourself.

Wishing you all the best on your journey.

 

[Magna]

I agree with @Jumpinbare: Don't be afraid.

There are a relatively low number of self-loathing autistics, comparatively speaking, but it always pains me to see that.

 

[Kaz2012]

Here's the link to my last thread earlier this year for context (or just check my account): scared of having autism

(tl:dr in case you don't want to read that thread: I'm a 22 year old male that didn't even think of the possibility of being autistic until January this year. I was terrified of all the implications of it since I felt many autistic traits fit me. I was extremely worried about talking to friends and family about it because of my not great support structure.)

Earlier this year I posted a long rant about being scared of having some degree of autism. Since then I've gone downhill in some ways and uphill in some, but mostly down. That thread was posted in late January, and due to just how consumed I was with tons of emotions I ended up quitting my job in April.

I have talked to my parents about it and no one else. They're separated and I'm living with my mom currently. My dad has had extreme ADHD his entire life and has been very open about it, and ever since my parents separated 6ish years ago he's fallen into a hole that he hasn't been able to get out of. Whenever I try talking to him about my struggles, it always turns into him growing anxious himself and having to stop talking about it because he's afraid he doesn't know how to help.

Talking to my mom about it doesn't help either. To put it plainly she's a narcissist, and really has gotten used to complaining about anything and everything my whole life. Whenever I bring up my worries about not being able to work some places, or even just the fact that I MAY have autism in the first place. She immediately starts saying something along the lines of: "Oh come on, no you don't. I work with people that act like children, if they can work then you can too." It's also a strange position to be in because while living with her, if I don't bring any topic up like that, she leaves me COMPLETELY alone. So I don't feel an outward pressure to do much with myself, or any encouragement for basically anything.

I don't know what's happened to me mentally since quitting my job, if it's just general depression or what. But I have felt so burned out trying to do anything at all. For the past few months I've spent 80% of my day laying in bed on my phone. I'll go out with friends once every few weeks, but that just feels draining afterwards. I haven't even finished building my PC after buying most of the parts last NOVEMBER! Despite the fact that it's something I really want to do still and have wanted to do whenever it's crossed my mind.

I've ignored texts from old friends trying to catch up, and only really stayed in contact with a group of 5 or so in a group chat. Besides the usual get together every few weeks, the only times I can consistently do anything is when I'm put under a time crunch, or if someone else needs me for something.

Last month ago an old friend I haven't talked to in years started posting some suicidal stuff on Twitter, so I immediately messaged him and we got together the next day. I got him in contact with some other old friends and he's been doing better, then I IMMEDIATELY stopped much contact with him and didn't go out again for a while. Not because I didn't want to socialize, but I just felt like I couldn't.

The only positive thing that's really happened to me in the last few months is I've started to lose weight. But lately that's started to slow down because I'm losing motivation for it and falling into bad habits again.

My sleep schedule is completely gone, it's almost 5am and I've been up all night. I don't really know what the point of ranting about all this is. I'm not suicidal, the thought has never seriously crossed my mind in any way. I just feel lost, with no real in sight to get out of the funk I'm in.

I feel like a lot of it is stemming from some autistic traits, or at least my realization of the fact that I have it. I still am not comfortable with that fact, but I'm not gonna try to deny it. But with no one really to talk to about it comfortably, I'm not sure how to get past my feelings about it.

If anyone has any advice or questions or something, I'll listen and try to answer.

For me finding out I was autistic was a relief. I had thought all my life I was weird and different and could not understand why my thought processes and outlook on life was different from everybody else. I have come to see it as a gift. We autistics have unique talents, skills and perspectives. Honesty being one of them. Too many NTs can be fake and will tell lies to make others and themselves feel better, which is not helpful to anyone. I get the mother thing. I think my mother also has autistic traits but she is utterly oblivious to it and I cannot talk to her about my autism because she just flat out denies it. That's ok thought as I have a few people who know me and who I can talk to about it and be myself with, so I focus on them. A lot of your symptoms seem like autistic burn out, but I am not an expert so you may want to look into that. Hang in there - this will pass.

 

[TBRS1]

There are things that can be fixed, and things that can't.

ASD can't be fixed, and trying to "fix" it is destructive to one's own self.

Find out how to survive as ASD in an NT world, then learn how to be yourself in an NT world.

After that, figure out how to leverage any ASD traits you have to your own advantage, Example:
hyperfocus.

It's OK. Learn to use it instead of fearing it.